Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  “Jackson, are you okay?” Dr. Russell asks but I’m still not able to talk just yet.

  Breathe in.

  Ten

  Nine

  Breathe out.

  Eight

  Seven

  Breathe in.

  Six

  Five

  Breathe out.

  Four

  Three

  I can finally take a deep breath without it burning so much.

  Two

  One

  My vision clears but I feel like I just ran a marathon with the way my heart is still racing and my lungs are burning.

  “Jackson?”

  I turn my head slightly to look at Dr. Russell who is sitting beside me.

  “How long have you been suffering from panic attacks?”

  I take one more deep breath and let it out before replying. “I used to have them when I was younger. They got really bad to the point where my mom had to have me put on medicine. Then when I got into high school they stopped and I haven’t had one until recently.”

  “What was the cause of them back then?”

  “The fear of always failing. Taking tests in school was a challenge because I got myself all worked up about them and then I’d throw myself into a panic thinking I was letting everyone down if I didn’t score well. It’s stupid, I know.”

  “It’s not stupid, Jackson. These are things we can’t always help.” I know she’s right but it’s still stupid in my mind. “Why do you think they are coming back now?”

  Ahh, that’s an easy one but I’m not telling her how much of a pussy I am so I just shake my head instead.

  “You understand that I’m not here to judge, right? I want to help you, Jackson, and I can’t do that if you don’t open up and share things with me.”

  I don’t want her help. I don’t want anyone’s help. I just want my wife and son back.

  “Would you like to end tonight’s session and come back in tomorrow?”

  I nod just wanting to escape this office and her prying eyes.

  “Okay, can you come back tomorrow night at the same time?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Good, we had a good session today, Jackson. I really think I can help you and Chloe if you’ll just give me the chance.”

  I just nod again and walk out the door the next second. When I get to my truck I lay the seat all the way back and take a few deep breaths. It’s over, I’m okay. After a couple of minutes I start up my truck and head home. I’m mentally and physically exhausted so sleep will come with no problems tonight.

  The next morning, I text Chloe when I wake up.

  Me 7:15am: I’m not going to be able to take Alex for our guys night out tonight. Can you tell him I’m sorry and I’ll make it up to him maybe tomorrow if you don’t have any plans?

  Chloe 7:16am: Okay, I’ll let him know. You know you can take him whenever you want, right? I’m not stopping you from seeing him.

  Me 7:17am: Alright, I’ll take him tomorrow.

  Chloe 7:18am: Is everything okay?

  Me 7:19am: Yeah, another appointment with Dr. Russell.

  Chloe 7:20am: That’s good.

  Me 7:21am: I guess

  I toss the phone on the bed and jump in the shower real quick before taking off for work. When I arrive the first person I walk into is Ally coming out of the break room.

  “Good morning.”

  I mumble, “Morning.” I’m in a pissy mood because of my attack last night and my appointment with Dr. Russell again tonight.

  “Someone pissed in your Cheerios this morning?”

  “Something like that.” I’m being a dick but I really don’t care. I’m not in the mood for any bullshit today.

  “Have you and Chloe worked things out yet?”

  “Why do you even care?”

  She shrugs. “Because I still feel like I played a part in your separation.”

  I huff. “You didn’t.” Then before she can say anything else to drive me up a fucking wall I walk back out of the break room without getting my coffee. No one is the cause of my separation from Chloe but me.

  I throw myself into my work knocking out job after job until Rebecca calls my name out in the shop.

  I turn around to see her standing by the door that leads out of the office. I set the wrench down in my tool box and walk over to her.

  “What’s up?”

  “You have a visitor.”

  “Visitor?”

  “Chloe is here.”

  “Oh.” What in the world is she doing here? Then my heart starts beating triple time. Ally’s in the main office so Chloe would have seen her. Shit!

  I walk as quickly as I can behind Rebecca wanting to get to Chloe as quickly as possible in case Ally decides to open her mouth and say something to Chloe. This is not what I need today.

  When I step into the lobby Chloe is standing near the front door looking out the window. Turning my head to the side I see that Ally is on the phone.

  “Hey.”

  Chloe turns, a smile present on her lips. “Hey, are you free for lunch?”

  Lunch, is it that late already? “Yeah sure, can you give me a second to wash up? I’ll meet you at my truck?”

  “Okay,” Chloe slides her sunglasses back on and walks out the door towards my truck.

  I turn around to go back out to the shop when I catch Ally’s eye. She gives me a little smile and continues on with her conversation.

  After washing up and taking my coveralls off I throw on my jacket since the cold winter weather is settling in then go out to my truck. Chloe is already sitting there with her hands tucked between her legs keeping her hands warm.

  “Sorry, should have given you my keys to get the truck started. I didn’t even think about it.”

  She offers me a little smile. “It’s okay.”

  I start up the truck blasting the heat hoping to warm her up as soon as I can. “So where do you want to go?”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  “How is the little deli down off Fourth Street?”

  “Sure.”

  I reverse out of the parking lot and make a right on to Hill Drive.

  “Jackson, is everything okay?”

  Glancing out of the corner of my eye I see her eyes are pinned on me. “Yeah.”

  “Are you sure? I got the vibe from your text messages that you weren’t okay.”

  I reach over to link our fingers together. “I’m sure, just had a bad session last night that’s all, nothing to worry about.”

  Chloe lets go of my hand, rests it on her knee then wraps both her arms around mine trying to get as close as possible to me while we’re driving. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

  Stopping at a red light I pull my arm back causing her to come closer so that I can kiss the top of her head. “I know you are, but I’m fine.”

  We pull up to the deli a few minutes later. Grabbing our sandwiches we take a seat at one of the back tables. “So was that Ally back there when I first walked in?”

  I stop mid-chew and nod. Ally is the only girl who Chloe doesn’t know since she’s met everyone else at past Christmas parties.

  “She’s pretty.”

  Putting my sandwich down I take a sip of my water. “Not as pretty as you are.”

  Chloe rolls her eyes, “You’re supposed to say that, I’m your wife.”

  My wife. I smile, “You’re right, you are my wife, which means she doesn’t even compare.”

  “You’re allowed to say if she’s pretty.”

  “I know.”

  Chloe huffs and sits back.

  She’s jealous of Ally. “Chloe, you have nothing to worry about.”

  Her eyes are trained on her sandwich in front of her.

  “Look at me.”

  She glances up with her beautiful blue eyes.

  “Do you need me to prove it?”

  Her cheeks flush a pink color, she bites down on the corner of her bottom lip and her eyes darken.

>   “I’ve kept my hands to myself for now but I have no problem at all showing you that you’re all that matters to me.” I lean slightly closer as much as the table separating us allows me to. “You can come over here and find out for yourself now.” Since the second I saw her standing in the office with that black skirt and red high heels on I’ve been semi-hard.

  She gasps and turns her head away as her cheeks crimson. I know her body well enough to know that she’s squeezing her legs together under the table because she’s turned on. The one thing that has always been strong between the two of us is our sexual chemistry. Anywhere, anytime of the day we’re both ready for the other.

  “Do you want to get out of here?”

  She slowly brings her eyes back to mine, a secretive smile playing on her lips. “Yes.”

  “When do you have to be back to work?”

  I start piling all of our trash on my tray while she looks at her phone.

  “About a half hour.”

  “We better go.”

  I throw our trash away while Chloe puts her jacket back on then we head back to my truck and hop in. “I’m taking you back to the house.” It’s not a question or even open for discussion.

  “Okay.”

  I pull up five minutes later, turn the truck off, hop out and meet Chloe around back. I grab her hand to lead her to the front door with me. Unlocking the door, I push it open and then I have Chloe pinned with my hips against the wall beside the door. Reaching over with one hand I swing the door shut. The house is silent; all that can be heard is our breathing.

  Chloe licks her lips making me harder than I already am thinking about her lips wrapped around my dick. Reaching down I start to unbutton her jacket. Her blue eyes are pinned to mine like she’s not sure this is even happening. We don’t have a lot of time because we both have to be back at work soon so I’ve got to skip the teasing I normally do to get her all worked up.

  “Lean up.” When she does I push her jacket off her shoulders, it slides down her arms and falls to the ground at her feet. I lean down to kiss her while sliding my hand down her sides to untuck her shirt. Using both hands I clutch the hem to slowly pull the red silk blouse over her head. The black see through bra is barely covering anything. With both my thumbs I brush them lightly across her hardened nipples causing Chloe to moan and squirm beneath me.

  “Jackson…”

  “Shh,” I say before covering her lips with mine again.

  Sliding my right hand down over her ribs, her flat stomach, her tiny thigh, I slide my hand under her black skirt pushing it up as I go. Chloe’s breath hitches as I reach the place between her thighs that we both want my hand to be.

  With my one free hand I pin both of her hands above her head causing Chloe’s eyes to snap up to mine.

  “What are you doing?” she pants.

  “Showing you that no one else matters, but you.” Just as I finish saying those words I apply a little pressure with my pointer finger against her clit. Chloe’s eyes roll into the back of her head. This isn’t going to last very long, but I don’t need it to. As long as I get my message across that she’s the only girl I have eyes for then that’s all I need. It’s all about her right now.

  Sliding her wet panties to the slide I run the tip of my finger between her swollen lips. Damn, I’m so fucking hard that it’s almost too painful to bear. Taking a deep breath I concentrate on Chloe and the way her body is responding to mine. I dip the tip of my finger into her but stop there. I repeat the process of running my finger between her swollen lips, dipping just the tip of my finger into her and pulling back out. Chloe tries to pull her arms free but I tighten my grip.

  “Stop teasing me,” she gasps.

  “Ask nicely.”

  “Please,” she moans again as I dip my finger back into her. “Stop teasing me.”

  Since she asked so nicely taking two of my fingers I plunge all the way inside her until my knuckles are pressed up against her clit.

  “Jesus,” Chloe pants.

  Smirking, I continue pulling all the way out and back in just the way I know she likes it. My fingers are coated in Chloe’s arousal. “Do you now understand that you’re the only one I see?”

  She tries to talk but it comes out as a gasp.

  “Chloe?”

  “Yes, yes, yes,” she chants as her hips arch. “Jackson, please, it’s been so long.”

  I let her hands free to brace myself against the wall just to the side of her head. “I fucking love you.”

  Chloe slides her tiny arms around my neck and sinks her fingers into the back of my hair to pull me closer to her. “I love you too.”

  She runs the tip of her tongue along my bottom lip then bites down on it. Groaning, I push my fingers harder into her. “Jackson,” she calls out. “Take me, God, take me right now.”

  A groan escapes from deep inside me. I can’t fucking do it, not like this. Not for the first time in months. “Not yet.”

  She growls with frustration. “Damn it, Jackson,” I pull all the way out of her then push back in. Her legs begin to shake; I’ve got her just where I want her. With a couple of more thrusts Chloe begins to whimper.

  “Get it, Chloe,” I whisper into her ear. She’s reaching for her orgasm but not reaching far enough because she’s hoping I’ll fuck her up against the wall. With my thumb I press against her clit and start making circles rubbing perfectly on the magic spot that always wins out on her.

  Chloe’s head falls back against the wall with a thump, she’s panting and squeezing her eyes shut as her orgasm tears from her body. “Yes, yes, yes,” she cries out as she spasms around my fingers coating them even more with her arousal. I continue rubbing against her until her body stops jerking and she relaxes against me.

  “Holy shit,” she pants.

  Smiling, “I’ve only got eyes for you.” I remind her again before kissing her on the lips and removing my hand from between her legs. I lean back from Chloe to take her in, her hair is messy, she has mascara under her eyes, her lips are swollen and red and her eyes are a liquid blue. At least one of us is satisfied now.

  “I’ve got the message loud and clear.” She pushes off the wall and grabs my shirt in both of her hands. “Now I’m sending you my message.”

  Her hands start to travel down my stomach but I stop her. “Not today.” If I let her touch me now we’re both not going back to work because I refuse to make this some quick fuck.

  “Jackson,” she whines. “It’s only fair.”

  “It’s not about being fair.” I squeeze her hands a little trying to offer her comfort. “It’s about proving to you that you’re enough for me, you’re what I want and the only thing I need.”

  “And what about what I want and need?”

  “You can have whatever you want.”

  “I want you.”

  I lean down to kiss her forehead. “You already have me.”

  “No,” she shakes her head. “I want the Jackson that takes control of me, the one who makes me forget every single problem we have when it’s just the two of us locked in a room with nothing between us.”

  I rest my forehead against hers. “I want that too but not yet. Not until your back where you belong, here with me in this house.”

  “I’m here now.”

  I sigh, she’s pushing me. “I know and trust me I want to drag you upstairs to have my way with you, but it’s not happening.”

  “Please,” she begs. “I want —no, I need —that connection that we share when we’re together.”

  Letting go of her hands I reach up to cup her face. “Then you need to come home. I can’t give that to you then allow you to go back to my parents’ house, Chloe. You need to trust me enough to want to be here with me and know we’ll make it.”

  “I do know we will.”

  “But, you don’t trust me enough to confide in you when something is bothering me.” It’s one of the things we’ve been talking about in counseling.

  She turns her head a
way for a second before looking me in the eyes again. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s you that doesn’t trust me enough to understand what you’re going through. I want you to be able to lean on me when stuff hits the fan instead of handling everything yourself and blowing up.”

  I’ve always held back with her on certain things but it’s because I didn’t want her to worry about money and stuff like that. “I’m going to try. It’s the only thing I can promise you.”

  “And that’s enough for me. I need you to understand that I’ll always be by your side no matter what it is. This time apart has put a lot of things in perceptive for me and instead of understanding what you were going through I was just adding to it.”

  Chloe wraps her arms around as I lean down to kiss her. “I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

  Her eyes water as she smiles. “And I love you just as much.”

  My phone vibrates in my pocket and then I remember I need to get her back so she can get to work. “We’ve got to go.”

  “I don’t want to go back,” she pouts, a fucking sexy pout that’s going to make us both late if we don’t leave now.

  I dig my phone out of my pocket to see it’s a message from Mason asking if we’re still on for the batting cages with Alex tonight. I respond back and tell him I cancelled and we’re going to go on Thursday instead.

  Chloe reaches down to scoop her blouse off the floor. I take it from her and slip it over her head then she puts her arms through the sleeves. I help her into her coat and button the buttons I undid just a little bit ago.

  “I guess we better get back.”

  I kiss her once more on the lips. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

  “I know.”

  I reach over to open the front door for her, she slides out from underneath of me making sure to brush against me with her slim hips, I almost come in my pants with her simple touch. She has got to come back home very soon.

  When we reach the truck I open the door for her to climb in and then go around and hop into the driver’s seat.

  “Thank you for lunch.”

  I smirk, “Anytime you want to have lunch with me you know where to find me.”

  “Tomorrow, same time?” She laughs.