“I love you,” Sara said, barely able to articulate the words for the choking feeling in her throat. “I always have.”
“I thought so, but I couldn’t admit it until now. It made me feel even more guilty.”
“But why should my love make you feel guilty?”
“Because I didn’t love you, and I knew what that could do to a person’s life. My mother loved my father utterly and blindly. He was punctilious in his attentions to her comfort, but he never cared for anything but her money and the empire it enabled him to build. You can’t know what it’s like to pour out unquestioning love year after year and receive nothing in return. I had to watch my mother literally die of emotional starvation. I’ve fought against my feelings for you, because I learned to equate love with suffering and betrayal.”
“I will never betray you,” Sara declared, her heart wrung at the thought of what he must have endured all those years. “Never!”
“I know you wouldn’t intentionally.”
“But I won’t, not for any reason,” Sara declared, hoping her earnestness would convince him of her sincerity.
“I believe you.” Gavin’s assurances were a little too hurried; he didn’t want to distress her, but he knew people’s feelings could change. Nothing lasted forever.
Sara saw this distrust in his eyes, and her happiness lost some of its luster. I’ll show him, she vowed to herself. I don’t know how just yet, but I’ll show him.
Gavin looked at her youth and her beauty, the body he could still visualize with aching clarity, and wondered if his feelings would last forever, or if he would tire of her as he had done of every other woman he had known. He was powerfully drawn to her—even now, just sitting next to her had thrown his blood in a fever—but he was just as powerfully drawn by her courage, determination, loyalty, and her willingness to accept people as she found them and like them anyway. He found his appreciation of these qualities affected him just as strongly as her physical attractions. He was a little surprised to realize that hadn’t been true of anyone else. Maybe it would be different this time. He told himself not to hope too strongly, but he was learning a lesson that many had learned before him: when you want something badly enough, you never give up hope of finding it someday.
A wave of nausea swept up from Sara’s stomach. This was the third morning in a row she had felt this way, but it was the first time she had been so strongly affected she couldn’t eat. It was bothersome, but nothing could disturb her happiness. For two months she and Gavin had lived in utter contentment, and she was satisfied that though he still might not know he loved her, he did know he would never willingly let her go.
Sara pushed her breakfast away and settled back in bed with a pleasurable shiver. Though a recent warm spell had melted enough snow so that Gavin could go see how the mines were coming along, it was still bitterly cold, and she luxuriated in the warmth provided by the several down-filled comforters on her bed. It wasn’t as warm as when Gavin lay next to her, but then she expected him home tonight. Not even once in the past two months had he failed to spend the night in her bed.
She thought of the glorious hours they had spent together, hours in which her expertise in and knowledge of lovemaking had been stretched beyond all conceivable bounds, and she smiled like a self-satisfied cat. She wondered if she would ever get a chance to thank Letty Brown for the knowledge that had helped her face this once-frightening aspect of her marriage and discover that it was not only an incredible experience in itself, but that it added a dimension to their marriage which would have been impossible without it. She was certain Gavin would never leave her bed for anyone else’s, and she meant to rescind her ban on Colleen as soon as she had the opportunity.
She smiled a little guiltily. It wasn’t just that she was trying to be fair, or that she was demonstrating to Gavin her complete trust. She had to admit she wanted to gloat a little over Colleen. After feeling second best for so long, it was wonderful to know that Gavin prized her slim figure and strawberry blond hair over Colleen’s opulent curves and flaming tresses. She supposed if they were still in London, she’d have invited Clarice Wynburn to tea, even though it would have been shocking and not even Gavin would have understood. The longing to herald her triumph far and wide was irresistible, and she began to consider the possibilities of having another party. Just then, however, another wave of nausea rolled over her, sweeping away all thoughts of merrymaking.
“Take this away,” she told Betty, the minute she stepped into the room. “The smell is making me ill.”
“You’re not taking sick, are you?” Betty demanded, giving Sara a careful look before she removed the tray. “Living in this terrible climate is enough to make a body go off with pneumonia. I never will understand why the men don’t freeze right solid, especially wearing them disgraceful little dresses like they do.”
“They’re kilts,” Sara said, “and you know it’s their traditional form of dress.”
“So I hear tell, but I never did hear what caused them to start doing such a nonsensical thing. You can’t tell me they’d suffer a heat stroke from wearing proper breeches, not even in the dead of summer.”
“I suppose every country has at least one custom nobody else can understand.”
“Not those Frenchies. They’ve got dozens of them.”
“Well, right now I’m not interested in the French, or anyone else. I just want this sick feeling to go away so I can get up. This is the third morning in a row, and I’m getting tired of it.” That remark acted on Betty like a bolt of lightning.
“You mean you’ve been feeling sick every morning, and you didn’t say anything to me?”
“It wasn’t enough to bother me at first, but it’s quite unpleasant today.” Betty looked at Sara more closely, felt her temples, and looked at her eyes.
“I knew it,” she exclaimed in triumph. “You’re with child.” Sara stared at her in disbelief. “We’re both woolie heads not to remember you haven’t had your flow since right after the New Year. Here it is nearly the last of March, and his lordship visiting you every night.” Sara blushed. She didn’t know why, but she did.
“Well, I hope I’m not going to feel like this the rest of the time,” Sara said, making a determined effort to get out of the bed. “I’ll be the most miserable person at Estameer.”
“But the most cossetted,” Betty said. “As long as you’re carrying the heir, nobody will be able to do enough for you.”
“I hope Gavin will be pleased,” Sara said, remembering his loudly voiced determination not to provide his father with an heir.
“He’ll bust his britches with pride,” Betty assured her. “I must admit his lordship has changed a lot since you married him. You might be able to make something of him yet, though he won’t never be the match of that nice Mr. Fraser.”
Sara had given up trying to make Betty prefer Gavin to Ian. His gallant behavior, especially during the march north with the army, was Betty’s idea of how a man should treat a woman. As a matter of fact, Sara thought pretty highly of it herself, but she had never been able to make Betty see that Gavin’s own suffering and guilt had been at the root of his earlier mistreatment of her. As far as Betty was concerned, there was no such thing as extenuating circumstances.
“Well, it seems to have passed off,” Sara said of the nausea after she was out of bed. “I don’t think I want anything to eat, but I do feel better.”
“Good. I’ll dress you warm, and you can spend the day in the sitting room. You’re going to have to take it easy until that baby comes.”
“That will be months. You can’t expect me to sit quietly on the shelf until then. I know Gavin won’t.”
“His lordship wouldn’t dream of touching you,” Betty stated confidently. “The urge is bound to leave him the minute he knows you’re carrying his child.” Sara thought she had a more realistic understanding of Gavin’s urges, and she doubted they would be affected in the least.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Bet
ty said, as she was laying out Sara’s clothes. “This note was delivered all secretlike by one of the kitchen maids. She said it was most urgent that you had it.” Sara took the note, but there was nothing on the envelope to tell her who sent it or what it was about. Betty made a pretense of going about her work, but she cast several curious glances at her mistress as she opened the note and read its contents.
Lady Carlisle,
I would like to offer my apologies for the unhappiness my behavior has caused you and Lord Carlisle. My cousin is equally sorry for the rude way in which she greeted your marriage, and she would now like to offer you her friendship.
We very much miss your company and beg that you and Gavin will rescind the ban against us. Since you are the more forgiving by nature, I beseech you to meet with us to formulate a way to bring Gavin to lay aside his distrust.
We will await you at the Lazy Sea Dog Inn at eleven this morning.
Your servant,
Ian Fraser
“Here,” Sara said, handing the note to Betty. “I suppose I’ll have to go, even though I don’t much feel like going out today.”
“Of course, you’ll go. Just think of what that poor Mr. Fraser must have suffered all these months, from thinking you didn’t like him anymore. Though I can’t say I’ll be pleased to see the likes of Colleen Fraser slinking about the place, making eyes at his lordship. I suppose you can’t have one without the other, them being cousins and all.”
“I do feel a little sorry for her.”
“Pray tell why?” Betty asked, incensed that Sara should feel any sympathy for a female she considered barely short of a Jezebel.
“Well, she was hoping to marry Gavin herself, and if I hadn’t married him, she might have succeeded.”
“I don’t believe it,” Betty declared emphatically. “Lord Carlisle is thoughtless, and his heart is about as tender as a piece of old goat meat, but he’s got too much sense to tie himself up for life with that basket of curds.”
For the last three hours, Sara had cursed herself for a fool, and she was still so angry with Ian Fraser she could have choked him with her own hands if she could just have gotten them around his traitorous throat. He and Colleen had met her just outside the gates of Estameer and talked her into riding in their carriage and sending hers home. They had talked of ways to induce Gavin to allow Ian to return to Estameer, even Colleen seemed to be genuinely sorry for her earlier behavior. Sara was conscientiously thinking of what approach to use on Gavin when she realized the carriage had not proceeded to the village as she expected but instead was stopping before an unfamiliar house. Upon being questioned, Ian had been unstinting in his apologies, but he had not hesitated to tell Sara that she had been kidnapped.
“But why?” Sara demanded. “What can you gain from kidnapping me?”
His reply was succinct and unflattering. “My rifles.” Betty should be here now, thought Sara. She wouldn’t think he’s the most wonderful man since Sir Galahad anymore.
“Are they so important?”
“We cannot win without them.”
“Gavin says you can’t win no matter what you do.”
“We haven’t lost a battle yet.”
“Gavin says you can win most of the battles, but you will still lose the war.”
“I willna hear any more Gavin says,” snapped Ian. “I also do not want Gavin to fight on the side of Cumberland,” he added after a slight pause.
“You know he wouldn’t,” Sara said indignantly. “Gavin has already told Hawley and Cumberland he wouldn’t lift a hand against his neighbors.”
“I know. You can think o’ yerself as a wee bit o’ insurance.”
“You don’t need it,” Sara snapped angrily. “Gavin has given you his word, and he is a man of honor. You, of all people, should know that. Why do you think he was so upset about those rifles?” Ian looked flushed, but he did not reply. “Where are you taking me?” Sara asked.
“Ye wouldna know if I told ye, but Colleen will stay with ye, until Gavin sends the rifles. We do not intend to mistreat ye.”
“I didn’t think you would. I’m merely a pawn, something to be exchanged for something else. Correct?”
“I wouldna want ye tae think so poorly o’ yerself.”
“But you do intend to exchange me for your rifles?”
“Aye.”
“Then don’t quibble over terms.” Sara was angry, and she didn’t care if he knew it. “What’s your reason?” she demanded of Colleen. “Surely you’re not hoping Gavin will be so grateful for your care for me, that he will take you as his mistress.” Colleen’s flush betrayed her intention. “This is unbelievable!” Sara exclaimed. “It’s like a fairy tale, and just as intelligent!”
“We shall see,” Ian said, then proceeded to ignore her.
“I don’t know where she can be,” Betty protested tearfully to Gavin. “She went to meet Mr. Fraser and his cousin before midday. She should have been back by mid-afternoon.”
Gavin didn’t hear Betty’s tearful explanation. He was reading Ian’s note, and every word stoked the rage that was building inside him. “This is an obvious ruse,” he thundered at Betty. “Ian would never beg anyone’s pardon, not even if they had a knife at his throat.”
“But he was always so kind, such a gentleman,” Betty protested.
“Ian has beautiful manners, much better than mine,” Gavin admitted, “but it cloaks a will of iron. Nothing will stop him from getting what he wants.”
“Not even the mistress?”
“Not even Lady Carlisle.” Gavin strode to the door and gave a shout for his bailiff, while Betty gave this information some thought.
“Then he won’t be bringing her back?”
“Not until he gets what he wants, no matter how long it takes.”
Tom came at a run, and Gavin rapped out his orders without pause.
“Find Kincaid and have him dredge the rifles from the river bottom. They’ll be full of mud, but they haven’t been there long enough for corrosion to ruin them. I want you to have every man on the estate mounted and in the courtyard within the hour, armed and wearing the plaid. I don’t care if they are five or a hundred and five and have to be tied to the saddle. Lady Carlisle has been kidnapped, and we’re going after her.”
Knowing nothing of the rifles, Tom had looked at his master like he had suddenly gone insane, but at that last sentence, the light of battle shone brightly in his eyes and all hesitation vanished. He was just as anxious as Gavin to take the battle to the offending clan.
“He must want you to do something,” Betty said, frightened by the unexpected preparations for war. “Aren’t you going to wait to find out what it is?”
“Ian knows it’s something I won’t do, or he wouldn’t have captured my wife. He knows this means war.”
By calling upon neighbors who did not support the Stuart prince, Gavin was able to gather almost two hundred men, and it was an impressive cavalcade that rode up to the Fraser stronghold three hours later. Armed with dirk, claymore, and Ian’s rifles with fixed bayonets, they would have been a force to be reckoned with at any time. Against a clan whose ranks had been depleted to provide warriors for the rebel army, they were overwhelming. The sight of more than a hundred torches stretching far back over the hills as they blazed against the night sky sent chills through every Fraser heart, but old Donald Fraser came out in answer to Gavin’s summons.
“Why have ye come in such a way against a friend?” the old man asked, facing Gavin courageously, but uneasy in the face of overwhelming odds.
“I want Ian and Colleen, but most of all, I want my wife.”
“I know nothing of Lady Carlisle, but Ian has been called north to help with the siege of Blair Castle. He left this morning.”
“This morning he was busy luring my wife outside the castle gates on the pretense that he and Colleen wanted to repair our friendship. It’s nearly twelve hours later and she still has not returned. The innkeeper where she was supposed to m
eet them swore they never arrived.” It was clear to Gavin that the old man knew nothing of this. The friendship between their families was of long standing and highly valued by both sides. He would not break it lightly.
“I will have a search made for Colleen and get to the truth. I do no’ understand what reason Ian would have tae do such a thing,” he said, after he had given the order.
“Rifles.”
“Rifles?”
“You don’t know about them either?” The old man shook his head. “Ian mortgaged his inheritance to buy them for the prince. He hid them in a cave at Estameer. I found them and destroyed them.”
“Destroyed?” the old man queried, his skeptical gaze indicating the rifles carried by the Estameer men.
“I meant to leave them in the river, but I needed them.”
“And you would use them against us?”
“I will burn every house, barn, and croft on Fraser land to the ground, slaughter your livestock, and put every man to the sword if I must, but I will find my wife. Ian put everyone at Estameer at risk when he chose to hide those rifles on my land. Now he’s endangered every Fraser life to get them back, and all for a prince who will desert you after he causes your best men to die. How long will you continue in this madness?”
“We canna desert our prince,” Donald Fraser repeated stubbornly, but his declaration lacked the enthusiasm of earlier times. “However, I will have no part in kidnapping any man’s wife. We will find Colleen and she will lead us to your wife.” But when the search was completed, they could find no trace of Ian or Colleen.
“It is clear what ye say is true. We will search for them all night.”
“My men will help you,” Gavin said, and gave his men orders to prepare to make camp. The expected message from Ian reached Gavin less than an hour later.
“He paid one o’ the lads tae keep it a day afore he delivered it tae the castle,” Tom explained. “But with all the upset, the lad thought it best tae give it over now.” Gavin read the note and handed it to Donald Fraser.
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