Truly, Madly, Deeply

by L. S. Scott

  “That’s good Natalie,” Connor encouraged, stroking my hair. “Feeling better? Do you want more water?” Beep

  I nodded slowly, concentrating on breathing and staying awake. Beep

  “Do you understand where you are,” the doctor asked. Beep

  “Yes,” I whispered after swallowing a real drink of water. Beep

  “Do you remember anything,” he asked next. Beep, beep, beep

  I nodded and my lip began to tremble. “Jaron,” I gasped. Beep, beep, beep

  I felt Connor’s hand begin to shake in mine as he leaned in closer to me and pressed his lips to my cheek.

  “Just breathe Natalie,” he coached. Beep, beep, beep

  “I’m sorry Natalie, but,” Beep, beep, beep, beep

  Connor’s hand cradled the side of my head, trapping it between his palm on one side and his face on the other.

  “I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispered into my ear. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

  “Natalie, try to stay calm, so we don’t have to sedate you again.” Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

  “Just breathe Natalie, I’ve got you. Just breathe,” Connor continued to whisper in my ear. Beep, beep, beep

  “No, no, no, no, no, no,” I shook my head in his hands. Beep, beep, beep, beep

  The pain ripped through me, heart, body and soul. I had been numb for so long, walled off from all feeling, Jaron kept locked safely deep inside, where he couldn’t hurt me. Then Connor cracked those walls ever so slightly, with his intensity, his familiar movements and blue eyes, then, enter stage left, Jaron. All my walls had been completely destroyed, all my defenses torn down and every raw nerve ending exposed. Every emotion I had before was ten times more sensitive. Every feeling; happiness, anger, love, passion, fear, pain it was all amplified. I felt like I was being torn to shreds from the inside out. The physical pain of my injuries was nothing in comparison. Beep, beep, beep

  “Stay with me Natalie, please,” Connor pleaded, cradling my head against his chest. Beep, beep, beep

  I clung to his arm, screeching cries bellowing from my lips and violent sobs racking my body. Beep, beep, beep

  “It’s okay, just get it all out,” he encouraged. Beep, beep, beep

  “Connor, no, please no,” I begged for him to tell me it wasn’t true. Beep, beep, beep

  “I’m sorry Natalie.” He stroked the back of my neck. Beep, beep

  “Do you need something for pain,” the doctor asked. Beep, beep

  I heard him but couldn’t acknowledge anyone or anything but Connor. Beep

  “Natalie,” Connor leaned to look at my face. “Are you hurting anywhere?” Beep, beep

  Fuck yeah I was hurting somewhere. My entire heart and soul and every emotion humanly possible was being run through a wood chipper and sprayed in blood chunks all over the damn room. Beep, beep, beep, beep

  “Ssshhh, calm down. Breathe.” Beep, beep, beep

  “Do you need pain meds,” Connor asked again. Beep, beep

  I nodded. Anything that might soothe the gaping wounds that were just opened up inside me would be good. Beep, beep

  A nurse I didn’t recognize came in with a syringe and pushed the medicine into my iv. In seconds, I sank back into my pillow, still clutching Connor’s arm. Beep

  When my eyes opened next, I was lying on my right side, a pillow under my left arm, two pillows between my legs and a couple of pillows behind my back. It felt good to be off my back. I looked down at the wash cloths rolled up and placed in my hands, a sure sign that I had been in the bed for a while.

  My right hand was covered by Connor’s. He sat beside the bed looking down, thumbing through the messages on his phone; it brought a ghost of a smile to my face. I lay quiet and still and just stared at him, recalling what Jaron had said about their resemblance. I didn’t see it before, or rather, I didn’t admit it to myself before, but it was crystal clear in that moment. The perfect straight nose that turned up only slightly at the end, the high cheek bones and perfectly chiseled strong jaw and the eyes. Those eyes, so intense and blue, outlined by dark, thick lashes that looked like he had used eye lash curlers on them. Unfair really, for a man to have those lashes, when they couldn’t care less and women spend a lot of time and energy trying to make theirs look like that.

  The thing that drew me to Connor, that gorgeous face, would only serve as a reminder of a face I could never see again. Tears started falling on the pillow and when I inhaled it sounded like rapid fire sniffles. Connor jerked his head up to check.

  “Hey,” he said with a forced smile.

  “Hey,” I choked out through my parched mouth and throat and tried to swallow.

  He quickly stood and grabbed the water glass, “Here, just a small sips, okay,” he held the straw to my lips.

  I closed my eyes and sucked in a tiny bit of water and let it bathe my swollen tongue before swallowing.

  “A little better,” he asked, stroking my hair and tucking it behind my ear. I nodded and blinked lazily.

  “Are you hurting?”

  My brows stitched together and my lip trembled and he knew instantly that the hurt causing me to cry was much worse than my physical injuries. He tilted his head and looked at me with a helpless look on his face.

  “I wish I could make it stop for you. I really do,” he whispered next to my ear before delivering a chaste kiss on my cheek.

  “What time is it?” I asked in a low raspy voice.

  He looked at his Rolex, “It’s a few minutes after four, in the afternoon. Do you want to sit up?”

  “Yeah,” it was difficult to converse from my side position.

  “We have to go slow,” he said and then paused a beat. “Maybe we should get you some pain meds first. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “No, I don’t want to go back to sleep,” I said, clutching his hand. “My body’s not hurting too bad right now.”

  “Okay,” he agreed, moving around my bed. “Tell me if I hurt you.”

  He removed the pillows from behind my back first then leaned over me to grab the folded sheet beneath me, one hand on each side of my body.

  “On the count of three, I’m going to pull you higher in the bed, it might hurt a little. You ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  “One, two, three,” on three he grunted and pulled on the sheet, easily sliding my body to a higher position in the bed.

  “That was easy,” I said, surprised. “You’re pretty good at this.”

  “You’re light as a feather,” he smiled. “Roll toward me, slow.”

  As I rolled he skillfully shifted the pillows from between my legs to position them under my left leg, propping it up comfortably.

  “You’ve lost some weight from not eating,” he commented absent mindedly while concentrating on his pillow fluffing task.

  “What’s wrong with my leg?”

  “It was dislocated. They had to operate to seat the hip joint correctly.” He scanned my eyes for a reaction. “You also broke your wrist, three ribs and had a pretty nasty concussion. All in all, you were pretty fortunate.”

  “Yeah, that’s me, the lucky duck,” I hissed sarcastically. Connor didn’t respond. “What day is it?”

  “Thursday.”

  I thought back to the day Jaron and I left. The day we watched the sunset over the Grand Canyon, the day he proposed. The tears streamed and I wondered how I was ever going to get through it.

  “Ssshh,” Connor gently wiped my swollen face with a cool wet wash cloth. “It’s okay.”

  No! It is not OK! I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to punch him and tell him to go away, to stop being so nice to me. Stop feeling sorry for me. What else could it be? I took a deep breath and reigned in the sobs and the anger.

  “Well, I’m sure I haven’t lost that much weight in three days.”

  My voice was still gravely but getting stronger. He handed me the water glass, reading my mind before I even asked. I put it to my lips and sipped slowly. “Aahh,” I c
ouldn’t help but sigh as I felt the cool liquid slide all the way down to my stomach.

  Connor cleared his throat. “This is day ten Natalie.” My eyes widened. He watched me struggle for words for a second before continuing. “You’ve been in and out since day seven. When you woke you were panicked so they sedated you. You’ve been mumbling a lot in your sleep since then.” He took a deep breath to collect his self. “You woke up early this morning when the doctor was examining your hip. You were hurting so they gave you some pain meds. Do you remember any of this,” he questioned.

  “Yeah,” I nodded solemnly and stared at the small blue light at the end of my hospital bed, sucking in a ragged breath and wincing at the pain in my ribs. “Why you?” I asked.

  “What,” he answered in confusion.

  “Why are you here? Who called you?”

  He wet his lips and forced a half-hearted grin. “You didn’t have any emergency contacts in your phone. My number was the one most contacted over the last few weeks, so they called it first.” He shrugged.

  “What about my brother?”

  “He’s here, they,” his sentence was cut short by the entrance of visitors through my hospital room door.

  “Natalie,” Tiffany squealed and tottled quickly across the room, one hand over her bulging baby bump.

  Jake followed, crackers and soda in hand. His shoulders slumped and a relieved smile crossed his face and lit up his eyes, as he let out a breath that it seemed he had been holding for a long time.

  “Hey guys.”

  Connor stepped aside and let them huddle around my bed, hugging and patting. I could see him edging closer to the door.

  “Connor,” I called anxiety clear in my voice.

  Jake stepped aside so I could see him standing at the door. My brows stitched tight together and my head began shaking side to side, begging him not to leave, starkly contradicting my feelings just minutes before. I wanted him gone. I wanted him there.

  He smiled reassuringly. “I’m just going to the nurse’s station for a minute, find out what you can eat. I’ll come right back.”

  His sky blue eyes glowed with promise as he looked into mine, scared and confused. With another deep ragged breath I nodded.

  Jake smiled sympathetically down at me and I could see the questions in his eyes. Why was I with Jaron? What did he do to me? I stopped his accusations before they could start.

  “Before you say a word Jake, this is not Jaron’s fault.” Tears welled in my eyes. “He didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted to go, to be with him. He was different, better, it was perfect, it was all going to be perfect.” The tears streamed uncontrollably.

  “Oh sweetie,” Tiffany sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arm around me.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything sis. I’m just glad you’re okay. I don’t care about anything else.”

  His words stoked the anger smoldering inside me. Anger about a future that I was given a glimpse of just to have it jerked away. Anger that I let my guard down to feel love again, just to have a truck load of pain and grief dumped on my head. Anger that neither Jake nor Connor deserved to have aimed at them.

  “Of course you don’t care! I’m sure you’re pretty damn happy Jaron’s gone, huh.”

  Venom dripped from my words as I scowled at my brother.

  “Natalie, you know that’s not true,” Tiffany said in a low calming tone.

  I buried my head in my hands. My shoulders bounced as painful sobs tore through my body. The annoying heart rate monitor beeped rapidly. In seconds Connor was back at my side.

  “Natalie, calm down. Deep breathes,” he couched, stroking my hair and handing me the cool wash cloth.

  When I finally got my emotions under control and looked up to find Jake watching with tears in his eyes.

  “Jake, I’m sorry. I know that’s not true. I just,” my voice trailed off.

  “I know sis,” he reached down and patted my hand. “I know.”

  After a few seconds of awkward silence, Tiffany skillfully changed the subject.

  “Well, when you come home with us, you will be able to help me decorate the nursery.”

  Connor tensed and his body shifted. I looked up to see anxiety causing a tic in his clenched jaw. My brow furrowed questioningly. He forced a reassuring smile when his eyes met mine. I turned my attention back to my expecting friend. I put my right hand across her belly, just in time to feel my niece kick.

  “Oh, see she already loves her Aunt Nat,” Tiffany smiled.

  Connor excused himself once more to complete his mission of finding something for me to eat, while Tiffany and Jake kept me company. It was great to have them there and for a while, the ache of my broken heart eased enough to breath.

  “There he is,” Jake said as Connor finally returned, carrying a brown paper bag in one hand and styro foam cup in the other. “She was just wondering about you.”

  “Sorry, just wanted to give you guys some time to visit and I had to run some errands.” He lifted the bag and winked at me. “Didn’t think you would be too impressed with this.”

  He picked up the hospital tray the nurse had brought with chicken broth, Jell-O, applesauce and unsweet tea. He set the tray aside and wheeled the table over to my bed, lowering it over my lap.

  He set the cup down, “Dr. Pepper,” then pulled out a white, greasy pouch full of French fries, “and fries.” He popped a fry in his mouth and smiled.

  My stomach growled at the sight and scent of the golden brown strips of potatoes. I took a gulp of the soda and popped a small handful of fries in my mouth, closing my eyes to savor the warm, salty fare.

  “Go easy,” he warned. “The last thing we need is for you to choke.”

  “Thank you Connor, I am so hungry,” I mumbled with my mouth full.

  “You’re welcome,” he said with a chuckle.

  I looked around the room to find Jake and Tiffany both watching us with narrowed eyes and shit eating grins.

  “What,” I questioned.

  “Nothing,” they said and shrugged in unison.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  By Sunday night, I was physically feeling much better. The staples were removed from my incision, I had only a small brace on my wrist and I could take deep breathes with little pain. I was anxious to see the doctor Monday morning to discuss physical therapy and going home. The only question was, where exactly was home.

  “Well, sis, you look tired. I think we’re going to head the hotel. We’ll be back first thing in the morning to see what the doc has to say,” Jake said, leaning down to give me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

  “Okay. I love ya’ll.” I hugged him then Tiffany. “All three of ya,” I smiled, patting Tiff’s belly.

  “We love you too,” Tiff said.

  Jake extended a hand to Connor who stood politely. The two exchanged a meaningful smile. Connor’s saying, I’ll take care of her, and Jake’s saying, thank you for taking care of her. It had become clear over the few days I had been awake, the two had developed a relationship born out of concern for me.

  “You two have a good night,” Connor said politely.

  We watched as the two left and closed the door softly behind them. Connor immediately turned his attention to me.

  “How you doing? You need anything?”

  “No, I’m good.” I stared at the tv for a minute. “Connor,” I paused a beat. “Thank you for all you’ve done. You really didn’t have to stay here.”

  Connor rubbed his hand over his face and took an exasperated breath. “Someone has to stay with you Natalie.”

  “Jake could stay.”

  “Jake has a pregnant uncomfortable wife to take care of. She can’t sleep in these chairs, trust me.” He arched his back in a stretching motion.

  “Sitting here with me day and night for the last two weeks, that’s a little above and beyond a boss’s responsibility. Don’t you think?” I peered up at him with raised brows.

  “Our relationship goes a litt
le above and beyond that, don’t you think,” he retorted.

  “Yeah, but you should really go to the hotel and get some rest. You don’t have to stay here with me. I’m just going to sleep.”

  “I don’t want you to be alone if you have a bad dream and wake up in a panic. You do a lot of talking,” he paused, “and crying in your sleep.”

  He sat with his arms crossed and propped on the bed beside my legs, absent mindedly massaging my knee because both of my legs were stiff and sore from lying in the bed for so many days. I didn’t bother arguing any further. I knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

  He leaned back in his chair and flipped through the tv channels, until he found a Stargate marathon on the Syfy channel. We watched a couple of episodes before the nurse came in to take my vitals and give me my nightly pain medication and the anti-depressant Dr. Hanson prescribed to help me get through the day without crying the whole time.

  I could feel the weight of his stare and turned my head to look his way. He sat with his head leaned back against the chair watching me.

  “Something on your mind,” I asked, looking in his blue eyes for an answer.

  He took a deep breath, obviously searching for the best way to broach the subject.

  “When you’re discharged,” he rubbed his thumb across his bottom lip, a familiar gesture that sent a jolt of pain through my heart, “what then?”

  “What do you mean, what then? I’m going home?” I shrugged.

  “Where is home Natalie?”

  And there it was, the one hundred thousand dollar question. Where was home? Home, was in Prairieview with Jaron, and that is where I was headed when this happened. That was no longer an option. Was home with my family, in Texas? It sounded right but didn’t feel right.

  “I don’t know Connor, I guess, Jake and Tiffany.”

  “The Flynn is your home Natalie,” he said flatly.

  “Connor,” I started to object.

  “No Natalie. Just listen to me. Two weeks ago, you were about to complete the management program and after that you know I would have offered you a job. And if you didn’t want to stay on at The Flynn, you would have had other very good opportunities. That is still an option for you. You don’t have to throw all that away.”