by Ivy Smoak
"I didn't use you." I resisted reaching for her again. I so badly wanted to wrap my arms around her and console her. But she was being irrational.
"Just stop okay? Please just let me go."
"No. Hails, I don't want you to leave. Not like this. Please just talk to me."
"I won't tell anyone where you are if you let me go. I promise. Please, please just let me walk away from this."
"What the hell are you talking about? No one's looking for me."
"More lies. All you do is lie. You know what, it doesn't even matter. I'll never believe the excuse you give me anyway."
I shook my head. "I really have no idea what you're talking about."
"Officer Daugherty called," she said. "You should really put a password on your phone."
Oh, fuck. "Hails. Just let me explain."
"I don't want to know anything about it. I'm not being a part of this. You'll get me arrested for conspiracy or something. I'm getting as far away from you as possible."
"You don't understand."
"Of course I don't understand! How could you do something like that?" She shook her head back and forth. "And the truth is, you're not with Penny right now because if you go back to New York they'll arrest you. It has nothing to do with me. Admit it."
"That's not true."
"There was a police officer on your phone saying they're putting a warrant out for your arrest."
"So let them arrest me! I didn't do it. I wasn't even at the wedding. I wasn't even in the fucking state. Penny didn't want me there. No one wanted me there. I didn't shoot James. I would never do something like that."
"That's not what it looks like."
What it looks like? Fuck that. My patience was gone. Yes, I hadn't told Hailey a few things, but it wasn't because I was trying to hurt her. I was just trying to protect myself from more pain. I was so sick of being cast aside. "They're just rumors, Hailey. Horrible and cruel and completely false. And if you believe it, get the fuck out."
She didn't say anything. She just blinked at me with her stupid big brown eyes.
"Seriously, go. I left New York because I had nothing left. I'm trying to start over. And I'm not going to spend another second with someone who is too hotheaded to even hear my side of the story. I'm so sick of people throwing accusations at me. I haven't done anything wrong. Welcome to my life's story. I'm just a good guy in a shitty situation. And I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise. I'm done. Get out."
Chapter 31
Hailey
Wednesday
I wanted to believe him. But how could I trust him over a cop? Tyler was in trouble. He was on the run. And I should have been running away from him. My feet had an idea of their own though. They seemed frozen in place.
I knew grief. I knew suffering. And that's what was all over Tyler's face. Not guilt. I knew him. It was crazy and fast, but I did. Tyler wasn't capable of killing someone. He was good. He was so good.
"Can I hear the whole story?"
"I'm trying to forget, Hails." He turned away from me.
I dropped my duffel bag back on the ground and walked over to him. "It's easier to forget if you get it off your chest." I slipped my hand into his.
He looked down at my hand. For a second, he let his fingers intertwine with mine, but then he removed his hand and scratched the back of his neck. "It's simple, really. I fell in love with a girl. She fell in love with someone else."
"I don't think it's that simple."
He sighed. "Actually, it kind of is. Do you know their story at all?" He gestured toward the TV.
An image of Penny and James Hunter was still on the screen. I grabbed the remote and switched it off. "I know that he was her professor. That's pretty much it."
Tyler sat down on the edge of the bed. "Yeah, well, Penny and I met in his class. I was a senior, she was a sophomore. I had been going through some things and for some reason, she just made me smile. I needed that." He looked down at his hands, which were clasped together.
I wanted to know what things he had been going through, but I kept my lips sealed.
"She led me on. Or maybe I led myself on. I don't even know anymore. She kept telling me she was getting over her ex and that she just wanted to be friends. But she didn't act like she just wanted to be friends. It was always more than that." He shook his head. "She flirted back. It wasn't one sided. It never was. But the whole time I was falling for her, she was actually dating James. She was falling for James and lying to me about it. Lying to everyone. And when I found out, I was so pissed. I stopped talking to her. And it sucked. I was depressed again..." his voice trailed off.
Tyler was quiet for a moment. "They broke up a little while after that. She completely disappeared inside of herself. She was just this wisp of the person that I loved. And I couldn't stand it. I told her we could be friends. Because it killed me to see her hurting. I told myself that I could be okay with that. But then it was there again. That feeling that it was more. And it was. For one night, she validated all my thoughts. I let myself think that there really could be a future between us. That she'd get over him. That we could be together."
He shook his head. "The very next day, she got back together with James. And maybe I'm a fucking idiot for just letting it happen. But she was happy with him. He could give her a life I couldn't."
"You mean the money?" Suddenly it all made sense. Why Tyler seemed so upset that I was in awe of Josh's place.
Tyler looked up at me. "It was easy to fixate on that. But I know it was more than that. She just didn't like me." He looked away from me again. "No matter how much I liked her, it didn't change that fact. So I just accepted it. I told myself I had to move on. I applied for a job in New York and was excited to move away when I graduated. But then they fucking moved there too.
"Penny and I got into this routine of being just friends. It was easy. I just liked having her in my life. I guess I kind of repressed my true feelings for her for years, though, because when they called the wedding off, all I wanted to do was tell her."
I hadn't known that they had called the wedding off. I was surprised the tabloids hadn't picked up that story. I swallowed hard.
"I told her how I really felt. That I had always loved her and that I always would. She told me that she'd always love him."
I pressed my lips together. He'd always love her?
"Even if they never got back together, Penny said she'd never move on. She said she could never love me." He sighed. "That's it. I'm the biggest fucking joke."
I sat down next to him on the bed. To me it sounded like Penny was a tease. Running to him whenever there was the smallest problem in her relationship with James. Which was fine to do if they were just friends. But clearly it was more than that. She had to have known that. And I hated her for hurting him. Even if it wasn't intentional.
"But why are the cops coming after you?"
"Because James' ex wife is a psychopath. She's trying to set me up."
"Why?"
"I don't know. To break them up or something. She made it look like I stole money from them. And when that clearly didn't work, the psycho shot him. I have no idea why they're looking at me."
"So on the news when they said it was Penny's ex and best friend?"
Tyler shrugged. "Me and Melissa I guess. Which is crazy. I would never do anything to hurt Penny and neither would Melissa."
"And you broke up with Melissa because you realized you were still in love with Penny?"
"Yeah."
"And now you're traveling across the country to get away from all of it?"
Tyler didn't say anything.
"Why aren't you going back, though? If James dies..."
"I'm done being second. I'll be there for Penny as a friend if she wants, but nothing more. And I meant what I said before, Hails. I'm where I want to be. These past few days with you have been some of the best I've had in a long time."
"Me too." I took a deep breath. "I think I've been accidentally
putting myself in a similar situation."
"What do you mean?"
I looked up into Tyler's baby blue eyes. "I'm falling for a guy that will never love me as much as he loves someone else." A tear trickled down my cheek. I lifted my hand to wipe it away, but his hand beat mine. He brushed away my tear with his thumb. It felt more intimate than any other moment between us before.
"I've been holding on to my feelings for Penny because it feels like I'm drowning when I don't have them. But it's not because of her. It's because of my own problems. I don't want to feel the way I do. I want to move on." His eyes searched mine.
"We can heal each other."
"That's the thing, Hails, I don't think you need healing. I think you need someone as whole and full of energy and life as you." He brushed away another of my tears.
"I think that maybe I just need you."
"You don't need me." He pressed his forehead against mine. His words and actions contradicted each other so fiercely. Like he was telling me no but beckoning me forward.
I breathed in his breaths. He tasted so sweet. Every second with him was better than any I had ever experienced before. "When I'm with you, I feel like everything's going to work out. Come back to Indiana with me. Please, I don't want this to end. Your heart is bigger than you realize. There's room for me too."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"When I left New York I felt like I needed something to hold on to."
"Hold on to me."
He brushed my tears away again. "If I could, I would. I'm falling for you. All I want to do is stay right here with you and forget the world."
That's what I wanted too. But the world wasn't stopping. And I was running out of time to save my dad. "Stop time back in Indiana."
"I joined the Marine Corps."
I lifted my forehead off his. "What?"
"I needed to make a change. It seemed like the right choice."
For some reason I couldn't process his words. "I don't understand. You joined the marines?"
"I'm heading to California because that's where basic training is."
Oh my God. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. "When do you have to report?"
"Friday."
I shook my head. "This Friday? As in two days from today?"
He nodded.
I was completely speechless. So that's what him and Josh were talking about when Josh said he only had a few days of freedom left.
"I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I've just been trying to clear my head on this trip. I needed to not think about it the whole time."
"But last night...it seemed like you were going to come back with me. Tyler, I meant what I said. I'm falling in love with you. I don't just say that all the time. I mean it."
"I'm falling for you too." He touched the side of my face. "For just a second I wanted to believe it could be more."
"This doesn't mean it can't be."
His hand fell from my cheek as he stood up. "It does."
I stood up too. "No, it doesn't."
"I signed up for three years. We've known each other five days. I'd never ask you to wait for me."
"Then don't ask me. Let me make my own decision."
"I wasted three years of my life pining over a girl who didn't reciprocate those feelings. I'm broken, Hails. You deserve so much more than that. I wouldn't let you wait. Not when we don't know what we even have. Three years is a long time. I would never do that to someone."
I know what we have. And I had two days to show him what I already knew. That we were two pieces of the same puzzle. Cast aside. Lost. Second. I knew how he felt. I knew what it was like to not be good enough for someone.
Proving to him that we could be more would take my mind off the nerves dancing around my stomach as we got closer and closer to Pasadena. It gave me something to hope for. Something big and scary and so wonderfully exciting. I hadn't had something like that in my life for a long time. "Okay."
"Okay?" he asked.
"Let's just enjoy our last few days together then. Let's make the most of it. A grand send off for you."
Tyler smiled sheepishly. It was probably the cutest thing I had ever seen.
"As long as you promise you're not a criminal."
He laughed as he stepped toward me. "Unless what I'm about to do to your body is criminal."
"It depends on what you're going to do."
I laughed as he picked me up over his shoulder and carried me toward the bathroom.
Chapter 32
Tyler
Wednesday
Every time I glanced at Hailey out of the corner of my eye, she somehow caught my gaze and smiled. I noticed everything now, like my senses were heightened. The freckles on her shoulders and across the bridge of her nose. The dimples she got when she smiled. The chestnut highlights in her hair when the sun shone through the car window. I wanted to remember everything before it was gone.
She was stubborn and feisty and so different from any other girl I had dated. I found her determination sexy. And the way she belted out the songs on the radio like she had no inhibitions. I hadn't realized I could fall for someone so quickly. It was going to be hard to say goodbye. My mind wouldn't stop thinking about that fact. In two days I'd be saying goodbye. I didn't want it to end.
"Ah!" Hails screamed when a new song started on the radio. "It's our song!" She turned up the volume as Closer by The Chainsmokers came on. She started singing the lyrics at the top of her lungs.
I laughed as she put the windows down and let the breeze flow through her hair as she sang, "We ain't ever getting older." She smiled at me and I swore my heart stopped.
How was I supposed to say goodbye? I didn't want to. It was like my life was a series of events spiraling out of control. If I didn't make stupid, rash decisions, maybe I'd be happy. But maybe I never would have met Hailey. Maybe all those bad choices had allowed me to enjoy this moment. This beautiful girl that was so out of my league had told me she was falling for me. And I was fucking falling for her too. Hell, I had never felt this strong of a connection before. Not even with Penny.
"Stay, and play that Blink-182 song that we beat to death in Tucson!" She lightly hit my shoulder as she sang the lyrics. "We're so close to Tucson! It's like it was meant to be." She smiled again.
Hailey made me feel better than I had in years. I felt young and carefree and hopeful. I felt alive again. It was greedy, but I didn't want to let go of that feeling. I didn't want to let go of her.
"What?" she said with a smile on her face.
"I was just thinking about how beautiful you are."
She laughed. "Yeah right. Hey, I think we're almost there."
I could see some cars parked up ahead, but I couldn't really see anything. I thought driving up to the Grand Canyon would be this breathtaking experience. But I guess you had to be right on it to even see it. I glanced back at Hailey. Her eyes were glued to the window. It broke my heart a little that she didn't know she was beautiful, that she didn't know how much she affected me. I wanted to give her everything. Yet at the same time, I wanted to give her nothing so it wouldn't hurt so damn much when we went our separate ways.
Chapter 33
Hailey
Wednesday
"Oh my God." I opened up the car door as soon as it stopped. I walked out to the edge of the Grand Canyon and stared at the expanse, completely transfixed. There were no words. I swallowed hard as tears came to my eyes.
"It's like standing by the ocean. It makes you feel so small," Tyler said as he joined me.
I shook my head. "I wouldn't know."
"You've really never been to the beach?"
"I visited Lake Michigan a few times. But I can't imagine it's the same. From pictures I've seen of the ocean, I mean." I didn't really think the ocean could be this beautiful, though. Nothing could be.
"Maybe we could add one last stop to our trip?" he said. "I've actually never seen the Pacific Ocean."
I sl
ipped my hand into his. "I'd like that," I whispered as I stared out at the crater in front of me. Breathtaking. It was breathtaking.
He squeezed my hand back in response.
Tyler was right. Looking at it made me feel so small. There must be something more out there. Something that made all this. And something after this. I wasn't really sure why, but I started to cry silent tears.
We both stood there in silence as we stared out at the abyss.
"Hails."
I looked up at him.
With his hand that wasn't holding mine, he reached up and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. He didn't ask me why I was crying. He didn't really need to. It just felt like Tyler got me. And the look on his face said it all. He looked concerned. He looked worried about me. With him, it didn't feel like my biggest fear could come true. I could never be alone if he was with me. But he wasn't going to be with me. I turned my head to look back out at the scenery.
I was crying because my dad might never get to see it. He might never touch the ocean. It wasn't fair. Life was so cruel. Tyler had opened up to me. He had let me see a vulnerable side of him. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him my worries and fears if he was going to cut me out in a couple days. It was already going to hurt too much. Telling him about my dad would make it more painful when we had to say goodbye. Why the hell did we have to say goodbye?
Instead of pressing the issue, he stepped behind me and wrapped his arms around me. We both stared out in front of us. I didn't want to be crying. What I wanted was to scream and throw things into the canyon. I wanted to not give up on Tyler before we had even had a chance to try. I took a deep breath. There was no reason to dwell on it. If he didn't want whatever this was to continue after Friday, there wasn't anything I could do about it. All I could do was have fun the next couple days and see if he still felt the same way. I wasn't pathetic. I wasn't going to beg him.
"It's going to be okay, Hails."
I closed my eyes. The moment was too perfect. For some reason, I couldn't have Tyler's arms around me and see something so beautiful at the same time. It was sensory overload. And I'd rather focus on Tyler's arms. Who was I kidding? I was pathetic. I wanted to cling to him because I loved the feeling he gave me. That anything was possible. It was childish and naive. And fleeting. It's not like I was actually in love with him or anything. That would be crazy. Besides, he was in love with someone else.