Withering Tights with Bonus Material

by Louise Rennison

  Vaisey’s face went as red as her little hat.

  And I must say the butterflies were now playing Ping-Pong in my tummy. But what if the boys were like Cain and those village boys? Sort of grunting instead of talking.

  And moody.

  And possibly violent.

  It only took us twenty minutes to walk to the Hall. It was a lovely walk if you like baaing. Which I sort of did this morning.

  Then we rounded a corner and saw before us the “magnificent center of artistry,” Dother Hall. I couldn’t help noticing its fine Edwardian front and the fact that its roof was on fire.

  As we looked up at the flames and smoke a figure emerged onto the roof in between the high chimney pots.

  I said to Vaisey, “Bloody hell, it’s Mrs. Rochester. Bagsie I’m not Jane Eyre, I don’t want to get married to some blind bloke who shouts a lot.”

  Vaisey said, “It can’t really be Mrs. Rochester, can it?”

  I said, “Well, you say that, but it all adds up, doesn’t it? We’re in Yorkshire on some moors at a big house, the roof’s on fire, and someone, who may or may not have been banged up in the attic for years, has just come out onto the roof. I’m only stating the obvious. Who else could it be?”

  Then we noticed that “Mrs. Rochester” was wearing a mackintosh and carrying a fire extinguisher. And she started putting the fire out with foam.

  After the fire was out Mrs. Rochester disappeared amongst the chimneys.

  We went up the steep front steps into a huge entrance hall where about twenty girls were giggling and shuffling about. It’s funny being in a place where you don’t know one single person. Well, apart from a person you only met the day before.

  Vaisey said, “That girl over there by the bust of Nelson is standing in first position from ballet.”

  Never mind about ballet positions, where were all the boys?

  Suddenly a woman in a pinafore dress, with her hair in a mad bun, burst through the door. She had a clipboard.

  Over the noise she yelled, “Guten Tag, Fräulein, und Willkommen.”

  Then she started laughing. Well, honking, really, to be accurate.

  She said, “The joke is, girls, I’m not German. You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!!!!!”

  And she was off hooting again.

  “So, let’s get to know each other. I am Gudrun Sachs and I pretty much run the place! Well, I am the principal’s secretary. First of all, I want to take your names and tick you off!! No, no, not tell you off, just put a little tick next to your names. Off we jolly well gehen.”

  She pointed to Vaisey. “You, dear, name, dear?”

  Vaisey went red and said, “Vaisey Davenport.”

  Gudrun did a big tick on her list.

  Then she pointed her pen at me.

  I said, “Tallulah Casey.”

  Gudrun said, “Oh begorrah, begorrah, to be sure.”

  Crumbs.

  She went round the group, and I tried to remember some of the girls; there was Jo and Flossie and Pippy and Becka; Honey, I think; I do remember Milly and Tilly because they rhymed. But unfortunately I was so busy thinking that their names rhymed I can’t remember who is who.

  As we were being ticked off, Mrs. Rochester came barging through, covered in foam. Gudrun said, “Everything back to normal in the fire department, Bob?”

  Mrs. Rochester, otherwise known as Bob, said, “The fire’s out but I’ve singed my ponytail in the process.”

  He had actually. Well, not so much singed as burnt half of it off. The ends were all frazzled.

  Gudrun said, “Perhaps if you trimmed off the singed bits it could be more of a . . . a . . . bob?”

  Then she started chortling with laughter. “Do you see what I did there . . . ? Bob is called Bob and then I made a wordplay about his ponytail.”

  After he’d gone, Gudrun said, “Bob is our technician-cum-handyman. We have this very funny joke about Bob. If we are looking for him, someone might say, ‘Bob about?’ and that is the signal for the rest of us to start, you know, ‘Bob-ing about.’”

  And she started jumping up and down and bobbing about.

  “Do you see? Taking the expression ‘bob about’ literally. Do you see?”

  We all just looked at her.

  As she led us into the main hall, I said to Vaisey, “Where are the boys? Where is Martin and his tiny instrument?”

  Vaisey said, “I don’t know, perhaps he was just a model.”

  I looked at her. “What, you mean, made out of Plasticine?”

  Vaisey said, “No, you know, not really a student, but a model pretending to be a student.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  We went to sit down.

  The hall had a stage at the end of it with a film screen set up. I sat on the end of a row, and Vaisey was next to a small black-haired girl. She had black shiny eyes as well. A bit like a human conker.

  Vaisey and I said hello to her, and she said, “I’m Jo. I know you think I’m quite short, but I’m deceptively strong.”

  Um.

  She said, “I am.”

  I said, “I didn’t say you weren’t.”

  Jo said, “No, but because I’m short you’re thinking, she can’t really be that strong. She might be quite strong for a short-arse, but she’s not ordinarily strong.”

  What was she going on about? I said, “I hadn’t noticed that you were short anyway.”

  She said, “Well I am.”

  I said, “I’m not saying you’re not, I am just saying that I hadn’t noticed, so if I hadn’t noticed that might mean that . . .”

  She stood up and I said, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you are short, aren’t you? Are you sure you’re not crouching down?”

  Jo said, “You see, you see! You do think I’m short.”

  I said, “Well, you are. Compared to me, I mean. But then I’m too tall, really.”

  She’d gone a bit red now and said, “All right, but you just have a go at pushing me over, then we’ll see who’s short.”

  Vaisey said, “I don’t think that . . . pushing and so on is . . .”

  Jo said to me, “Go on.”

  I said, “I don’t want to, I might hurt you.”

  She said, “That is what you think, but you just wait. Honestly, you’ll get a surprise.”

  I thought I would give her a bit of a shove to be polite. Unfortunately, I did it just as she was turning round to put her bag on her seat. I didn’t push her very hard, but she still careered sideways over two empty chairs and headfirst into a big girl’s lap. Who said, “Oy.”

  When Jo got up her face was nearly as red as Vaisey’s hat. But she had pluck, I would give her that. She smoothed down her hair and said, “I wasn’t ready, try again.”

  I said, “Look, can we just leave it that I think you are really strong and—”

  She said, “You’re scared you’ll hurt yourself.”

  I said, “Oh, all right.”

  This time she tensed herself. I stepped back to get a proper run up and said to Vaisey, “Would you mind moving, Vaisey, so I can knock this person, who I have only just met, into the middle of next week!”

  At which point I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked round and up to see a tall thin woman in a cloak. She said, “And what is your name?” And not in a nice, interested way.

  I said, “Tallulah Casey.”

  And she got out a little notepad, and said out loud as she wrote, “Ta-llu-lah Caaaaasee-y.”

  Then she shut the notepad with a snap and said, “Now let me tell you my name. It’s Doctor Lightowler.”

  I was tempted to say, “Aaaaah Doooooctor Liiiiightowwwwler,” but I didn’t.

  She threw her cloak back over her shoulders and said, “I don’t know what sort of school you are from, but here at Dother Hall, we do not fight.”

  I said, “But she asked me if I would push her over. I was only being polite.”

  Dr. Lightowler looked at me. A bit like the mouse-eatin
g owl, actually.

  Spooky.

  The doctor said, “We shall come to know each other very well, Ta-llu-lah Caaa-sey.”

  And she didn’t seem to mean getting to know each other in a friendy-wendy way.

  As she went off, Jo said, “Well, I thought that went well, didn’t you? I think she secretly likes you. But don’t worry, I will protect you from her.”

  And she put her arm in mine. I think things were going quite well. In a friendy-wendy way.

  A funny clock chimed somewhere and a door to the right of the stage opened. A woman in white suede cowboy boots and a fringed jacket walked slowly to the front of the stage and looked out intently.

  We looked back at her.

  She looked back at us.

  Then, finally, in a throaty posh voice she said, “Welcome, fellow artistes. You see how I have got your attention. I have made this stage my own. In a few short weeks, we will teach you the same skills. You too will fill the stage.”

  I nudged Vaisey, but she seemed to be hypnotized by the stage-filling idea.

  The woman went on, “I am Sidone Beaver. Not Sid-o-nee Beaver, or Sid-ony Beaver but Sid-o-nee Beaver, principal of Dother Hall. Here to guide you to the theater of dreams. Think of me less as a headmistress and more like . . . the keeper of the gateway . . . of your flight to . . . the stars.”

  Jeepers creepers.

  Sid-o-nee was still filling the stage.

  “I know you sit before me, young, nervous. You think, how could I ever be like her? But I can still remember my own beginnings in this crazy, heartbreaking, cruel, wonderful, mad, mad world of art. The highs, the lows . . . let me not mince words, let me not blind you with dreams. There is no easy passage, no free lunch. This is a tough path. . . . Your feet will bleed before you experience the golden slippers of applause!”

  We looked at our feet.

  Soon to be bleeding.

  Sidone went on, “By the end of these few short weeks, some of you will be the ‘chosen’ and some of you will be the ‘unchosen.’”

  What did that mean?

  When Sidone left the stage we were shown a film of students working at different projects at Dother Hall.

  Ooh, look, here were students tap-dancing, and some sword fighting in the woods. Students making a papiermâché sculpture.

  Jo whispered, “Why are they making a big stool?”

  Vaisey said, “It’s an elephant.”

  There was one photo of students dressed in black jumpsuits with painted white faces, looking at a motorbike.

  I said to Vaisey, “What are they supposed to be?”

  She shrugged.

  The caption said at the end: Students produce a clown version of Grease.

  But funnily enough, although there were one or two shots of male teachers—oh, and Bob banging at stuff with a wrench—there were no boys around.

  Until right at the end.

  At last.

  There was Martin making his tiny instrument. I elbowed Vaisey. “Look, there’s Martin with his lute!”

  There was a break afterward. I felt quite dazed. “Chosen”—“unchosen”—“bleeding feet”—“golden slippers of applause”?

  We followed the signs to the café. Vaisey, me, and Jo.

  Jo said, “I’m really, really excited, aren’t you? I didn’t sleep a wink last night, well, it wasn’t the excitement of course, it was because of the whole dorm thing.”

  Vaisey nodded. “I’d quite like to see the dorm, actually. I wonder if . . .”

  Jo said, “Oh, you weren’t here last night, were you?”

  Vaisey said, “No. I was supposed to be here, but my bed wasn’t quite ready, or something.”

  Jo laughed grimly. “Be glad you weren’t in it, because that’s where the roof came in—over your bed. Bob nailed up an old blanket to keep the bats out and I think that is what caught fire. I’m not surprised, really; when Milly switched on her bedside lamp, it was giving off sparks. There was a dead pigeon in the loo. Maybe electrocuted.”

  As we got our tea and biccies I said to the other girls, “I don’t want to go on about Martin and his lute, but, where is Martin and his lute? And where are Martin’s mates?”

  We looked at Jo.

  Jo said, “Ahh, you mean Martin and his mates. Well, Dother Hall used to be mixed, but there was some sort of incident involving a game called ‘twenty-five in a duvet cover’ and since then boys are banned.”

  I said, “What a swizz. Still, at least there’s Woolfe Academy.”

  We asked Jo if she knew anything about it.

  She said, “No, but I would like to. At home, I’m at an all-girls school.”

  After break we were taken on a tour of the theater department by Bob. I think he has given his ponytail a quick trim.

  He was wearing a T-shirt that said Fat men are harder to kidnap.

  Bob said, “Sit down on the floor. Mr. de Courcy will be with you in a minute. Don’t play around with the lights, dudes.”

  As he went out, we saw that his T-shirt had ROCK on the back and that he was wearing very low-slung jeans with a belt that had all sorts of hammers and stuff hanging off it. And unfortunately, it was pulling his trousers down. I didn’t want to look but something pale was peeping out under his T-shirt. I think it was his bottom.

  One of the other girls said, “It’s theater in the round.”

  I didn’t like to ask what that was. Only round people are allowed to be in it? Probably.

  The girl who had said “theater in the round” was the big girl who Jo had fallen into the lap of. So perhaps that is why she was so au fait with theater in the round. She had thick-framed glasses on and dark hair in a ponytail with a big, clunky fringe. So that you couldn’t see if she had eyebrows or not. She was looking at me.

  I don’t know why, I had my knees covered up.

  I looked back. I was trying not to blink.

  She didn’t blink either.

  I had accidentally entered a no-blinking competition. On my first day at performing arts college. Things were hotting up.

  Then the girl made her eyes go upwards so you could just see the white bits. Like in Night of the Zombies. It made me laugh. And that was the official end of the no-blinking competition. We shook hands and she said, “Hello. You’ve got green eyes.”

  I said, “I know.”

  She said, “I know you know, but now I know.”

  And I said, “I know.”

  Two minutes later it seemed that everyone was chatting to one another. The zombie girl is called Florence, although her mates call her Flossie, and she is from Blackpool.

  I said, “Do you go on the pier and get candy, Flossie?”

  She said, “Do you do that a lot?”

  I said, “What?”

  And she said, “Make really, really crap jokes?”

  Jo and Vaisey said, “Yes.”

  And she said, “I think I might like you quite a lot.”

  A few people were doing handstands against the wall and the volume had gone up by a million when the door banged open to reveal a fat bloke. (I say things as I see things, and I couldn’t see the door anymore, so I know I am right about the fatness.)

  The bloke had little roundy cheeks, you know, the ones that look like there is a snack concealed in each one, for later. He was wearing a suit with a waistcoat. And a bow tie. And he had tiny sort of piggy eyes. Or maybe they weren’t really piggy eyes, they were just squashed up by his cheeks.

  He clapped his pudgy hands together. “Mes enfants, mes enfants!! Tranquil! Tranquil!”

  Everyone did go quiet, but I don’t think it was because he had said “be quiet” in French. I think it was the sheer size of his trousers.

  He said, “I am Monty de Courcy, I have the privilege and the honor to teach you the wonders of theater.

  “The magic of the-ater.

  “The language of the-a-ter.

  “You and I shall eat, live, breathe the the-a-ter. Let’s to work!”

  I don
’t think I can go a whole thummer without boyth

  IN THE AFTERNOON WE were told that we could have the rest of the day to explore, but first we would be given our assignment for tomorrow.

  When we arrived in the entrance hall, Sidone was playing a cello dressed in a velvet trouser suit. Sidone, not the cello.

  Monty de Courcy entered wearing a top hat and stopped in front of us.

  Was he wearing eye liner?

  He took the top hat off and put his finger to his lips.

  Then he shook the hat.

  Had he got a rabbit in there?

  He beckoned to us, so we shuffled over.

  Jo said, “Sir, shall we take—”

  Monty shook his head and put his finger over his lips again.

  Jo said very quietly, “But, sir, shall we take—”

  Then he started winking and tapping his nose and raising his eyebrows all at the same time.

  Then, he came over to me and pointed a finger into the hat. Oh . . . there were envelopes in there.

  Vaisey looked at me and shrugged. I shrugged back. We all shrugged.

  Finally Monty lost his rag silently and handed the envelopes out himself.

  On the front of the envelope it said: Open me just before you go to sleep. Dream on the contents.

  We walked past Sidone, who was still playing the cello, and as we passed she said in a whispering voice, “Girls, my girls . . . soft, soft, what dreams are these?”

  She looked at us.

  And raised her eyebrows.

  I have no idea. What dreams? What soft?

  We popped to the loos to find that Bob had pinned a notice up in there. It said:

  Listen up, dudes, Dother Hall is seriously green.

  THINK: Finished your bath? Wait! Why not rinse

  out your smalls in the bathwater? Bob

  Vaisey went red because Bob had written “smalls.”

  We all got together on the grass to eat our sandwiches. I was lying on my back with one leg over the other, looking up at the sky. I’m beginning to feel really great now. New friends, freedom, and everything. I am ready to start filling my tights. I’m not a little girl anymore. I am trembling on the edge of womanhood. As the rest of them were chomping away, I said, “I feel like I’m really growing up now.”