Silken Desires

by Laci Paige

  After marking Roxi’s ass much redder than Jonathan had, Liam reeled it in and wrapped the whip in a circle, placing it on a nearby table. “She’s had enough.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s time for me to go.” He walked over to Roxi and spoke quietly in her ear with a hand on the small of her back. He then pressed a small kiss to the top of her head, and waited a moment until she nodded, and then he headed toward Jonathan.

  “Thank you. I’ll treasure this day, and remember it always.” Liam extended a hand to Jonathan.

  They shook hands firmly with the most emotional handshake Jonathan ever experienced. “Even though it’s not so, I feel like I’m taking her from you.” Jonathan looked away from the pained expression on Liam’s face.

  “She was never mine to take.” Jonathan’s head snapped up and Liam’s eyes were threatening to tear, he could see at any moment the man might cry. “Even in New York, she was with you, heart and soul. I see that now. Take care of her Jonathan. I’ll be in touch.” Liam looked from him to Roxi and back to him again. He gave a curt nod and left the room.

  Jonathan approached Roxi and uncuffed her from the cross. “How are you doing, Angel?” She fell into his arms when she was free, and cried against his chest. He carried her to a small bed off in the corner to apply ice and ointment to her reddened backside while she sobbed. Then he lay with her under the covers. “Shhh, it’s all right, Angel. I’m here for you.” She began to shiver and he rubbed her arms.

  Hours later, he woke to Roxi up on her elbow looking down at him. “Thank you.” She fingered her collar. “I love it, and I love you.”

  He pulled her down to his chest and crushed her against him. “I love you, too.”

  “And thank you for allowing Liam to be here today, it was special having him help us with our impromptu ceremony, bearing witness to our commitment and all of that stuff.” She sighed. “And I needed closure. He’s a wonderful man, but I could never give myself to him completely. You always had a part of me with you. Even when you didn’t feel like it, I was right here.” She rested her hand over his heart.

  “I’m glad he was here too.” He pulled Roxi in for a light kiss.

  “And I’ll try harder next time. I know I’m not as good as he is. More practice is what I need.” He stroked his hand down her back.

  “The play was fine, you did a good job. You made me feel floaty.” Her lips pulled up into a smile.

  “And I think this was good closure for you too. You don’t have to say anything or admit anything, what you had with Liam should remain private and your business, but I do know you felt something for him, and that’s okay.” He ran his fingers through her hair. She remained quiet.

  “Rox, know that I’ll be here for you no matter what. I don’t want to share you or let anyone near you because you’re mine, but if I can’t meet your needs we’ll find someone else to get the job done. Maybe Frank can be our go-to guy. I trust him.”

  “No.” Roxi pulled him down and kissed him desperately. Her frenzied lips were all over his. Pulling away from him, she said, “No, Jonathan. Only you.” Her fingers trailed down his face and to his lips where she traced them. “I don’t want, or belong to anyone else. We can make this work. Only you, it’s only ever been you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  A few days later, Jonathan asked Roxi if she would attend a demo at Underground Decadence. He’d spoken to Kyle and they hashed things out so he could get back to work. Jonathan promised to never have a momentary lapse during work hours again, and if he’d been drinking or felt off kilter, he would let someone know, and that seemed to appease Kyle.

  That night’s demo was something of a variety show. Kyle wanted three different scenes at once on the stage. It hadn’t been done before, and attendees were by special invite only. That peaked Jonathan’s interest.

  Roxi didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  He grinned like a loon. “I’m happy that you’re so eager to join me, but you haven’t heard my request yet, Angel.” She stiffened and he glared into her eyes until she bowed her head.

  “Dress however you’d like, but I’d like for you to wear your collar. I want everyone to know you’re mine.” With a sweep of his fingers below her chin he raised her face. “Would you do that for me?”

  “If it would please you, Sir.”

  “Hey now, Rox. What’s wrong?” He pulled her to his chest and hugged her. “Is this not something you want to do? Answer me truthfully.”

  “No, Jonathan, it’s not. I don’t want people to know I’m like that.”

  “Like what? My kinky bitch?” He chuckled and kissed her cheek. “But you are, and I like that, a lot.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.

  “I guess I’m just embarrassed by it, and Jake will be there. So I don’t want to be around my brother while I’m in kink mode. It’s weird and icky.” She scrunched up her nose.

  “Look, everyone probably already knows. I mean, you were sceneing at Slipknot with Liam and you know it’s a small community. People talk. You should be proud of who you are. I’m proud of you.” He stepped away from her and looked her over. “But if it’s something you’re adamant about, then I won’t force you. I’ll never force you to do anything. Just think about it, and besides, you’ve lived with Jake and his kinkiness for years and you never shied away from him or thought less of him, right?” He cupped her cheek and she nuzzled in as he ran his thumb over her soft skin. “Just think about it, that’s all I ask. I’m going to get ready.”

  He left her and went to get ready for the club. He was hurt that she didn’t want to wear his collar at the club, the one place where everyone would understand and not judge her. He dressed out of character in leather pants, and a leather vest with black boots. He normally liked to dress denim casual, but he was feeling spunky. He even went to the bathroom to put some mousse in his hair and ran his fingers through, giving it a messy look. He stepped back and gave a manic laugh at his appearance. Despite some bumps in the road, life was good.

  He went to the living room where he last saw Roxi. He found her on the couch staring out toward the pool. She hadn’t changed her clothing. In fact, he didn’t think she left the room since he was last there. “Last chance, do you want to come with me and wear your collar?”

  Without looking at him, she said, “Red,” and shook her head.

  He just laughed. “You’re the only person I know that safewords outside of a scene. That’s okay. I’ll see you when I get back.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “Love you.”

  “Love you, too,” she murmured, and looked up at him absentmindedly. “Oh!”

  He clucked his tongue and winked at her. “Gotta go babe or I’ll be late. See you later. I’ll call when I’m on my way home.”

  He looked over his shoulder as he headed for the door. Roxi had a wide eyed look on her face as she watched him go. He couldn’t help but grin.

  “Wait!” she cried. “I’ll go with you.”

  “I thought you might.” Turning around he crossed his arms over his chest. “You have five minutes to get ready.”

  He busied himself by reading the newspaper. The time came and went. “Roxi! I wasn’t kidding. Five minutes have past.”

  There was no response. In fact, there wasn’t a sound in the house. Jonathan’s stomach knotted as he neared the master bathroom and heard soft sobs coming from inside. “Rox, honey, is everything all right?” She didn’t respond, but the sobbing stopped. “Roxi, open up.”

  The other side of the door remained quiet for far too long, so he raised a fist and began to pound. “Open the damn door now, Angel!”

  The lock clicked and the door opened slowly. Jonathan stepped back as he saw Roxi’s flushed face and swollen red eyes. She held up a crumpled piece of paper and shoved it toward him.

  He took it in his hands. “What’s this?” Jonathan felt his eyebrows draw down. Then a spark of recognition hit as he saw the familiar handwriting—it was the goodbye note that Linda had written him. “Is
this what made you upset?” He balled it back up and tossed it in the trash can just inside the bathroom. Roxi nodded and a fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “I don’t understand Roxi. Why does it upset you?” Stepping forward to take her in his arms, he was taken aback when she moved away from him.

  In a matter of seconds her face went from upset to furious. “How can you fucking ask me that?”

  “Rox, I don’t understand why my sorted past is a problem for you.” Raising his arms he rested them up against the doorway so she couldn’t get past him if she tried. And he knew she would. “If anything, I should be upset. She dumped me, not you.”

  “Damn you, Jonathan!” She reached up and started to pull on her collar. “Take this off me, now!”

  Jonathan’s arms dropped to his sides, and the pain in his chest from his breaking heart was almost too much to bear. “I—I…but why?”

  “Do I really need to spell it out for you?” Now tugging on the collar he knew if he didn’t get it off her soon she would rub her neck raw trying to break free from it.

  “Yes, you do.” He took a tentative step toward her and she moved back away from him. “Help me understand, and then we can remove the collar if we can’t work it out.”

  “Oh, I know we can’t work it out. Damn it! Take. It. Off.” Both of her hands were now clawing at the leather around her neck.

  He made a small move toward her and she retreated two steps. Jonathan reached into the neck of his shirt and held out his silver chain showing her the key that would free her. This was going to kill him, the one thing he feared getting involved with Roxi again was getting his heart broken all over, and it was happening. Why the fuck hadn’t he steered clear from her? His goddamned heart, that’s why. He loved her unconditionally.

  “Throw the key here, I can do it myself.” She rocked side to side and her fingers gripped her collar.

  “No.” He shook his head. “If it’s to come off, I remove it. There’s no negotiating.”

  “Fine, just hurry the fuck up.” She steeled herself against the sink, raised her chin, and closed her eyes.

  Jonathan lifted the chain up off his neck and over his head. He held the key staring at it. His throat choked shut at the thought of removing the symbol of his love for her. He waited, needing an explanation of what was happening. Her breathing was erratic. “Rox, before I do this, I really would like to know why.” She opened her eyes as he held his chain for her to see, and then he tucked it into his pocket.

  She huffed out a breath. “Damn it! I shouldn’t have to tell you.” When he glared at her, he saw her demeanor switch over again to the weepy woman she was a few minutes before. “You and Linda are done, but only because she said so. I know you didn’t want that to happen, you have feelings for her.”

  “I won’t deny that. Go on.” He calmly nodded his head. Meanwhile, his, mind, heart and soul were wreaking havoc on him.

  “I think in time you would’ve fallen in… you two were getting really close.”

  “Fallen in love? Who knows? I seriously doubt it, though. My heart has only belonged to one person, Roxanne. I don’t have to tell you who that person is.” He reached out and put his palm on her breastbone. “Always has been, and always will be you. You have my heart. Don’t you know you’ve ruined me for all others?” Fuck. A lump formed in his throat. Damn it don’t cry.

  She gently lifted his hand and removed it from her chest. “B–but that time in the playroom you were so upset. That was after you received the note, isn’t it? I don’t remember you seeing her or talking to her after that.” She locked her gaze on his eyes and the pain he saw there almost buckled his knees.

  “Yes, but I wasn’t only upset over Linda’s note, I was crying for the loss of you. I’d bottled it up for so long. I thought I had mourned the end of our relationship fully, but I’m not so sure I did. It was months after you left before I allowed myself to believe it was over, and by then the pain died down a little.” Jonathan paused a moment, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by his emotions. “Having you here at the house...” His voice wavered and he cleared his throat. “And reading Linda’s note just dredged up old feelings from when you left me.” He searched her bloodshot eyes, looking and hoping for understanding.

  He lowered his forehead to hers and inhaled her scent. “I’m going to the club.” If he didn’t get away soon he would surely bust out in tears. He pulled away from her and removed the key from his pocket. “Take this. Do with it what you want. I can’t do this anymore with you Roxanne. As much as I care about you, I just can’t deal with this back and forth, hot and cold bullshit anymore. I’m done.” He tried his damnedest to reel in his emotions and shut them down. When she didn’t hold her hand out for the key he left it on the sink beside her. “All I can do is tell you that I love you, but I’ve said it so many times, and yet you don’t seem to believe me. I gave you my heart during the collaring ceremony.” He actually gave it to her years ago. “And I take that more seriously than I do wedding vows. Since you know my parents, you should understand that better than anyone.”

  Roxi’s bottom lip quivered, and her eyes shined over. He knew deep down she loved him as much as he loved her, but what else could he do?

  “One last kiss.” Jonathan pressed his lips to hers and he felt her mouth open to him. He pulled away before their tongues met. “I’ll always love you my Angel.” He trailed his fingers down the side of her face. “I guess this is goodbye,” he whispered, and turned walking away from her.

  He waited a moment outside of the house to collect himself and his thoughts. A part of him also thought that she’d come running out after him, but she didn’t.

  He was at peace with their parting because this time he got to say goodbye, unlike when she left and said nothing. This time there’d be closure. It didn’t hurt any less though, in fact, it probably hurt more because he thought they were at the beginning of their forever. He now realized he’d done everything he could for their relationship, and there was nothing left. It was all on her, and she chose to pull away. Again. He shook his head and the touch of a tear slid down his cheek and dripped from his chin.

  ***

  At the club he had a few weird looks because of his outfit, but no one except Kyle said anything. “Nice outfit.”

  Jonathan looked the man over and they were dressed much the same. “Same to you,” he replied. The men laughed and then Kyle asked Jonathan to sit near the back of the room and greet and seat any latecomers. Ramona, who normally did that job, called in sick.

  “Sure thing. I got you covered. I’m getting paid for this, right?” Jonathan joked trying to mask his tormented feelings inside.

  Kyle shook his head. “As if you need it.”

  “I’m just messing with you. No pay necessary.” He cupped the older man’s back and gave him a pat.

  “You owe me after that stunt you pulled screwing a client.” Kyle glared at him. “Never again, okay?”

  “I promised, and I keep my promises.”

  Kyle nodded and left him standing there.

  Jake and Kristy entered the room and took one look at Jonathan and laughed. “Nice to see you, too. I expect it from you, Jake, but you, cutie? Say it isn’t so. Tell me he hasn’t corrupted you.” Jonathan put his hands together in prayer.

  She giggled and batted her eyelashes at him. He checked her out from head to toe. She shined with radiance. “She’s one hot lady, Jake. How the hell did you get so lucky?” Then it hit him, she was so radiant that she was glowing. He pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “When’s the baby due?”

  She gasped and pulled away.

  “What did he say to you? I’ll kick his ass.” Jake chided.

  “That’s for me to know, Sir.” She teased back. “Go say hello to your friends. I want to talk to Jonathan about something.” As soon as he stepped away, she grabbed Jonathan and spoke through her teeth. “How did you know? I haven’t told a soul. I just got word from the doctor today.”
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br />   “You’re positively glowing. The only women I’ve known to glow like that were pregnant.” He grabbed her, hugged her tightly, and kissed her on top of the head. “Congratulations.” He kept his hold on her and rocked her in a slow back and forth motion. “When are you telling him?”

  “Tonight. I have something special planned for later.” She fell into his rhythm and rocked willingly.

  “Oh, I bet you do.” He waggled his eyebrows at her. Her bright happy mood was just what he needed to feel grounded.

  She elbowed him and then stepped away quickly. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to touch you.” She couldn’t help but laugh remembering the swat on the ass he gave her once for playfully hitting him. He felt his lips pull into a huge smile, and then Kristy wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.

  “Hey, hey now, what’s going on here? Go find a sub of your own to hug.” Jake chuckled as he grabbed Kristy’s ass and pulled her away from Jonathan.

  “Everyone is so happy today. It must be the nice weather. Kristy has been smiling all day, you’re smiling, Kyle is out of his mind happy, and now you. What’re you guys all smokin’? Or is it in the air and I’m immune?” Jake looked around the room.

  “Dude, you’ll catch a bit of the bug later. It’s going around. It affects one person at a time. It’s coming your way next. I promise.” He clapped Jake on the back, and winked at Kristy when he knew Jake wasn’t looking. She grinned from ear to ear.

  “You guys go sit. I have door duty. Ramona isn’t in tonight.”

  “We’ll sit back here with you; the front of the room is pretty full.” Jake led Kristy to the table near the door and he pulled out the chair in offering.

  Jonathan stood against the wall with his arms over his chest waiting for things to get underway. As people came in, he greeted them and pointed to tables with available seats. It was crowded but by invitation only so they wouldn’t run out of room. He pushed aside all thoughts of Roxi to concentrate on the night ahead. If he could get through this evening, take it one day at a time, then the next sixty years of his life wouldn’t be unmanageable. He forced a smile and thought of Kristy and Jake’s happiness.