Megalodon Lives

by Flash Rex

  "Yes, the black shark was fighting with the other shark the next night and he killed him too."

  "Are you saying that Mr. Burns and Mr. Bolding saw the black shark kill one shark on Monday night and they did nothing?"

  "Yes, they did nothing."

  "They knew the black shark would fight the other shark on Tuesday and they didn't do anything?"

  "They didn't do anything."

  "You stupid bastard!" I was yelling at the TV. "He's so dumb, they have to put the words in his mouth!" The interview continued for another minute or so as the reporter tried to get a better description out of Thigpen but all he could say about the shark was that it was black. I got dressed and drove over to the Aquarium. There were more reporters here today than there were yesterday. I started to wish I didn't have to do the press conference again. But today was the “discourage lawsuits while getting some publicity out of it” press conference and it was at least as important as yesterday's briefing.

  "What kind of damage are we looking at?" Burns asked me as I walked into his office.

  "I'm not really sure," I replied. "All Thigpen did was say that one shark killed two other sharks. Hopefully it's no big deal. Everyone knew the shark was a killer anyway. One look at the teeth could tell you that."

  "Grimshaw was worried about some cruelty to animals aspect. What do you think?"

  "I don't see how cruelty to animals plays any part in this. First, sharks aren't exactly lovable creatures. The general public thinks sharks are mindless killers so there won't be any tears shed for a couple of dead sharks. There won't be any public outcry over two dead sand tigers. I just don't see how animal cruelty is involved here. All we did was put the shark in an environment that was as close to his natural environment as possible. And his natural environment includes encounters with other sharks. It's not like we chained up a bear and then sent a pack of dogs in to attack it. It's not like a cockfight either. We didn't have an audience. We didn't have any gambling on the outcome. We didn't know it was going to happen."

  "So you don't think Thigpen hurt us at all?" Burns asked.

  "Right now, no. But it just raises another issue we have to be aware of. Its just more ammunition for any opposition to our plans to display the shark. I'm just glad Thigpen didn't see what we did to those penguins. If he saw that and told the world about it, we'd be out of business before lunchtime."

  Noon was upon me before I knew it and I was standing behind the podium facing an even bigger crowd of reporters than yesterday. Fortunately I saw no sign of the Reverend. I wasn't in any mood to tangle with that particular clown again today. "Good afternoon, once again my name is Brian Bolding and I'm the spokesperson for the Hudson Valley Aquarium. I would like to open up by reminding everyone that we are going to display the only megalodon ever held in captivity beginning tomorrow at nine A.M. Now I realize a lot of you may have questions about some reports from earlier in the day and I'll do my best to address those issues right now. I will leave time at the end for questions."

  "After transporting the megalodon to the Aquarium on Monday, we placed him in what we believed and still do believe to be the closest approximation to his natural environment. We placed him in the main tank in the Shark Pavilion because it is the biggest tank we have. Because the water temperature is as close to the temperature of the water from which we caught him and because it also contained other creatures native to his environment."

  "Two of these other creatures were sand tiger sharks. Sand tigers can be found in Aquariums all over the world. It's very common to see sand tigers in captivity. Sand tigers are suspected of being man-eaters but no one's really sure. We did know that megalodons and sand tigers surely encounter each other in the wild and because of that we did not hesitate to include them in the same tank together. Unfortunately, the megalodon killed the two sand tigers and the Hudson Valley Aquarium staff has felt the pain of that loss. The two sand tigers were the main attractions here and to lose them both in such a short period of time is really tragic. But we must go on. If we could go back and do it all over we would have separated the animals but we had no way of knowing at the time. It was just a tragedy and all we can hope for is to learn from it."

  "Now a couple of more issues have been raised in the last couple of days that I'd like to address. First, some have questioned whether we own the megalodon. Under New York state law. Anybody can catch a wild animal on state property and keep it as an owner. Since we caught the megalodon in state waters, we are clearly the owners of the megalodon."

  "There have also been terrible rumors regarding the death of the young boy on Monday. It seems some people think our shark is responsible for the attack. As I said yesterday, we don't know whether this shark is responsible or not. Apparently the family of the boy is being counseled to seek some reparations from the Aquarium. I hope that's not true because the Aquarium is not responsible for the shark's actions before captivity. Before we caught the shark it was a wild animal. An attack by a wild animal is not a liability borne by a subsequent owner or even the state of New York. We don't want the family to waste their time and money in a fruitless attempt for some compensation. They have suffered enough without being taken advantage of by greedy lawyers and advisors." I was losing the crowd again so I wrapped it up. "Now I'll take a few questions." Today I made sure to point a reporter out, even though it was difficult to make out faces under the camera lights. "Yes."

  "If the megalodon didn't attack both sand tigers the same night, then why didn't you do something before the second shark was attacked?"

  "We thought that the first attack was an anomaly. We didn't think it would happen again. We'd never seen a shark behave like the megalodon did the first night so we assumed it was just a one-night thing. We thought the megalodon's aggressive behavior was a result of stress from the capture and transport earlier in the day. We didn't take any action because we didn't think it was necessary. Yes, go ahead."

  "Public opinion polls have shown that there is a racial divide over whether you should display the shark. Are you doing or planning anything to ease racial tensions?"

  "All we can do, as an Aquarium, is operate our business. We have a unique specimen and we believe the public has a right to see this specimen. It's unfortunate there are those who want this animal kept out of public view but we don't share that view. So we're going to display the shark and we invite everybody regardless of race to come and see the shark."

  "But is it really necessary for you to begin displaying the shark the very same morning as the funeral for the boy killed by the shark? Don't you find a serious lack of sensitivity in that?"

  "I agree that the timing is an unfortunate coincidence. We are sensitive to the concerns and emotions of the boy's family and of the African-American community in general but we feel it would be a greater disservice to the public if we deprived them of the opportunity to see this most unique animal." I paused just long enough for all the reporters to begin yelling out their questions. I couldn't make out any of them very well but I distinctly heard someone yell "penguin" or "penguins." Somebody knows, I thought.

  I answered as many questions as I could in as short a time as possible. I gave one word or one sentence answers wherever possible. I gave a two-question warning and once I was finished with them I thanked everyone and moved away from the podium.

  "What happened to the penguins?" A familiar voice yelled from the back of the conference room. Instinctively I stopped and looked toward the voice. If I'd just ignored it and kept on going I wouldn't have had to respond. But since I reacted visibly to the question, every reporter in the room looked at me for a response.

  "They've been transferred," I said and started walking away again.

  "Transferred where? To the Shark Pavilion?" Now I knew that voice. I stopped and smiled while many of the reporters laughed.

  "Is that you Zaller? Why don't you join us for lunch and we can talk about old times?"

  "I'd like that," Zaller said as he made his way t
o the front of the room. Half the reporters were looking at me and the other half were looking at Zaller.

  "You guys getting all this?" I said to the reporters. "The press conference is over. It's just a couple of old friends making lunch plans. There's no Pulitzer prizes here." Zaller followed me out of the conference room and up to Burns' office. We didn't say anything to each other as I resisted the temptation to ask Zaller what he knew and wanted.

  "What do you want?" Burns stood up behind his desk when Zaller and I came to the door. Grimshaw was seated in a chair across from the desk. "Normally I don't entertain terminated employees. I just hope you're not disgruntled. You're not here to kill me are you?"

  "That all depends on how reasonable you're willing to be," said Zaller as he sat down next to Grimshaw and put his feet up on Burns' desk.

  "Bolding, call security," Burns told me.

  "Not so fast there, Bolding. I've got a business proposition for Burns," said Zaller. "You hire me back to study the megalodon and I won't put this place out of business."

  "How are you going to put me out of business?" Burns sat down.

  "I've had some free time on my hands since you fired me last week. It seems about the only place that needs a marine biologist is the Hudson Valley Aquarium. During my week off I picked up a hobby. You see I carry a video camera around with me and I tape unusual events that I come across. If something is of particular interest to somebody, I'll sell them the tape."

  "That's great! I wish you luck! No hard feelings?" Burns stood up and extended his hand to Zaller.

  "Last night, I figured I'd try my luck in this neck of the woods. Maybe I'd get a glimpse of that shark of yours. Unfortunately I didn't see the shark but I did see something out of the ordinary."

  "What might that be?" Asked Burns as he sat back down.

  "I saw a group of birds, that are not native to this region, mind you, being herded into the Shark Pavilion. Now were you taking the penguins on a tour of the facility or did you do something more sinister? If I don't get my job back at quadruple pay and exclusive access to the megalodon, I'll let the entire world watch the videotape and let them determine what happened to the penguins."

  "I see," said Burns. "How long do I have to decide?"

  "I'll give you five minutes. You probably won't need that much time because the decision is an easy one."

  "Would you step outside, please? I'd like to consult with my advisors."

  "By all means," said Zaller as he stepped out of the office. I closed the door behind him.

  "That was some idea you had, Grimshaw," I said.

  "Drop it," said Burns.

  "No, I won't drop it! It's quite a coincidence that Zaller's buddy came up with the idea!" I said.

  "What are you saying?" Grimshaw asked.

  "I'm saying you and Zaller were in cahoots! That's what I'm saying!" I turned to Burns. "You fired his friend. Then he comes up with this wacky idea to kill the penguins. Of course, Zaller just happens to be watching us with his video camera handy! He tipped Zaller off! In fact I bet he set up the whole thing!"

  "That's a bunch of crap! The penguins were a pain in the ass and my idea got rid of them! Both of you went along with it so don't turn around and blame me!" Grimshaw yelled.

  "I don't know what to believe! You've never screwed me before, Grimshaw. But God help you if I find out you screwed me now. Did you tell Zaller about our plans?" Asked Burns.

  "No," Grimshaw answered.

  "Alright. What do we do now? I think we should believe Zaller. He knows about what we did to the penguins. That much is certain. Whether he has an actual videotape or not, we don't know, but I doubt it even matters. All he has to do is give an interview like Thigpen did and we're screwed. Videotape or no videotape."

  "I think that's a safe assumption," I said.

  "We do need a new marine biologist. I think we should hire him back," said Burns.

  "He's blackmailing us. In the history of the human race, has any good ever come out of capitulating to a blackmailer?" I asked.

  "What choice do we have? I say we hire him back. He won't finish us and we'll get a marine biologist," said Grimshaw.

  "It figures you'd want him back, you turncoat," I said.

  "I don't want to go to prison for killing those penguins! Do you? What do you think happens to guys like you in prison?" Grimshaw asked me.

  "We turn into guys like you," I said. "If we're going to give in, we should at least get the videotape from him, so he can't hold it over our heads forever."

  "Good idea," said Burns. "Bring Zaller back in here." I went out and got Zaller.

  "So what's the verdict?" Zaller asked.

  "We'll hire you back but there are two conditions," answered Burns.

  "Oh, I don't think I like the sound of that. What are they?"

  "First, you give us the videotape," said Burns.

  "No," said Zaller.

  "Why not?"

  "Because I don't want to. What does it matter to you anyway? I could have a hundred copies of the tape by now. You'd never know. Besides it doesn't really matter if I have a videotape or not. I know what happened to the penguins and as Mr. Thigpen demonstrated this morning, a thousand words are worth a picture. You can just trust me. As long as I'm employed by you I won't tell anyone."

  "How can we trust you? You're blackmailing us!" I said.

  "'Blackmail' has such negative connotations. I prefer to think of what I'm doing as justice. I shouldn't have been fired and you all know it. What's the second condition?" Zaller asked.

  "I'm still the boss around here. You do what I say just like any other employee. If you don't then I don't give a damn about what happens. I'll close this place in a second if I lose control. If I can't have it no one can. That's my motto. And don't think I'm kidding either. I've faced legal trouble before and I got out of it. You might be able to destroy this Aquarium but you can't destroy me. In fact you can't even scare me. I'm taking you back as much because we need a marine biologist as I am because of blackmail. So do we have a deal?" Burns stood and extended his hand to Zaller.

  "Yeah, we got a deal," Zaller said as he shook hands with Burns. "Let's take a look at this megalodon. I'm surprised you guys kept it alive this long without me."

  We spent the rest of the day making sure things were ready for our big opening. I followed Zaller around and tried to explain what we'd done and why. He usually just frowned and shook his head. Sometimes he laughed. Apparently the only things he liked more than the now deceased penguins were sharks.

  "Where'd you learn about sharks? Law school?" Zaller asked me.

  "You're not going to tell me a lawyer joke now are you? You know, lawyer bashing will probably be a crime one of these days."

  "Seriously, where'd you learn about sharks? You obviously know more than the rest of these boobs. You knew enough to keep this thing alive for a few days. Cousteau probably couldn't have kept a shark alive on the Cross Bronx Expressway."

  "I picked things up here and there. I was always interested in them. When I was growing up I thought it was neat knowing that there were man-eaters less than thirty miles away."

  "Man-eater? I think you've seen too many movies," Zaller said.

  "What do movies have to do with it? The attack on Monday was no movie."

  "It was just an aberration. A case of mistaken identity," said Zaller.

  "What did he think that kid was? A mermaid? Give it a rest. It didn't bump him or bite him and release him. The shark bit him and hung on until it got a meal out of it. If it was a case of mistaken identity, the shark would have realized its mistake long before ripping the kids arm off."

  "Great whites attack surfers all the time because from the shark's viewpoint the surfer has a silhouette very similar to a sea lion's," said Zaller.

  "Well in this case a ten year old boy was standing in waist deep water. There was no silhouette. There was no surfboard. There are no sea lions. Even more importantly there was no great white. I think you'd
be wise to remember that we have a megalodon, not a great white. Sure they may share some traits, even tendencies, but these are very different animals."

  "Not that different. So what's your theory on why the boy was even able to get out of the water with only a missing arm? Based on Mr. Thigpen's story, that kid should be shark excrement by now. There wouldn't be a body to bury tomorrow if that shark meant to attack him."

  "I don't have any idea why," I said.

  "I don't imagine you've heard any of the jokes surrounding this attack."

  "I've been a little busy."

  "Why didn't the shark eat the kid?" Zaller asked.

  "Because of some racial bias the shark has, right?"

  "What bug crawled up your ass?" Asked Zaller.

  "I'm going to let you in on a little secret about me. I never found Polish jokes funny. I never found Irish jokes funny. I never found Jewish jokes funny. You might say I'm a saint, but that's not it. They're just not funny," I said.

  "I guess I don't have to go to church this week since I've already heard the sermon," replied Zaller. "I didn't think you'd be the politically correct type."

  "Well, you'd be right because I'm not the politically correct type. And don't think I don't like you because you tell politically incorrect jokes. I didn't like you before you told them."

  "Have it your way! Thanks for keeping the shark warm for me. You can go home now and let the expert handle things," said Zaller.

  "Hey Zaller, you might want to bring some rubber gloves in tomorrow so you can go through the shark's stool to find your penguins."

  I went home and found my answering machine was full. I didn't bother checking it yesterday. A few reporters called wanting this and that. There were calls from my friends giving me the business over the press conferences. One so-called friend called me a stuttering dork. There were no calls from Katie but the Deacon got through. Tomorrow night's pre-cana meeting was delayed until eight P.M. That gave me an extra hour tomorrow to figure out how to slip away from the Aquarium and salvage my relationship with my fiancé. I wasn't looking forward to waking up tomorrow.