Regret List

by Billings, Jessica

  I nodded, a feeling of relief flooding through my body. I reminded myself that I wasn’t taking responsibility for other people any longer, but I was still happy the baby wasn’t going to grow up here, in the grimy surroundings where he would learn to play silently, so as not to wake his grandma. I hugged her tightly, and I could feel the bulge of her belly pressed tightly against my own belly. “You should come over to my house sometime,” I said. “Come hang out, do homework together, that sort of thing.”

  “Sure, maybe I’ll do that.” She sounded happier than she had in a long time. “Let me know what happens.”

  “Will do.” I walked outside, pinecones crunching under my feet. I heard the door close behind me and I pulled out my phone, dialing Asher’s mom.

  She answered after a couple rings. “Asher’s already left,” she said abruptly, without even saying hello.

  “Okay,” I replied. “I’m going after him.”

  “That’s my girl.” Her voice lightened slightly. “I’ll text you his dad’s address. Good luck.”

  We hung up and an address popped up just seconds later. Getting back on my bike, I headed home, hoping my mom hadn’t left on yet another date. To my relief, her car was in the driveway when I got there and after parking my bike back in the garage, I walked inside to find her. She was at the kitchen table, eating a TV dinner and looked up in surprise when I walked in. “I thought you would be with Jason by now,” she said, glancing at the clock on the wall.

  “Change of plans,” I said, tucking the notebook more securely under my arm and pulling out my phone. “Can you drive me here?” I showed her the address on my phone.

  She furrowed her eyebrows. “Portland? That’s around a four hour drive. I suppose maybe we can go this weekend, if you want. What’s there?”

  “No,” I explained, “I need to go there now. Asher decided he’s moving away. I need to go after him, like now.”

  She stared at me for a second, then pushed the dinner away. “Alright. If you really want.” I threw my arms around her and then dashed for the car, hopping from foot to foot while she grabbed the keys and locked the door. “You know you’re going to have to explain,” she said as we piled into the car.

  “I know.” As we drove down the street and out of town, I started my story a second time. This time, it was easier because she already had an inkling about why I was dating Jason, but I also took the opportunity to explain about the book and what had happened with Grace and my other friends. I stayed reasonably vague about the college party, but it felt good to finally tell someone what was going on. I hadn’t talked with my mom like this in years, and she seemed to realize it too.

  She shook her head as I finished and I noticed her fingers were a little too tight on the steering wheel. “I remember back when I knew everything that was going on in your life,” she said, slowing down to let some deer cross the highway. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much this past year.”

  I shrugged. “It’s okay, Mom. I know you have your own life. I should be able to handle things myself.”

  Her eyes narrowed a little. “Well, I haven’t really clued you in to what’s going on.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been gone a lot.” I nodded, not quite understanding. “Last summer, I decided I needed to do something more with my life. I mean, being a secretary wasn’t exactly my dream growing up.”

  I laughed. “I suppose not.”

  “So, I’ve been taking night classes this past year, working to getting my associate’s degree in paraprofessional education.”

  “Para-what?” I asked, mystified.

  “It’s like a teacher’s aide,” she explained. “I just remember how much I loved helping out in your classes when you were a kid. I’d love to do that as a career.”

  “Wow.” I was honestly impressed. “I mean, I thought you were just out on dates and stuff.”

  She burst out laughing. “Every night? Sheesh, kid, I don’t have nearly that kind of social life.”

  I shrugged, feeling embarrassed. “Well, I don’t know! I guess I just assumed. Why didn’t you tell me?

  It was her turn to look embarrassed. “I don’t know. It seems a little silly, doesn’t it? Your old mom, off at college?”

  I shook my head. “I think it’s kind of cool.” We were quiet for a bit as we went over the mountain pass. It might have been late April, but there was still snow on the ground up there. Fortunately, it was a clear night and the roads were dry. I pulled out the notebook, hunting in the glove box for a pen. “I’m just going to write for a while,” I said, turning on the overhead light.

  “I think it’s kind of cool my little girl is writing a book,” she returned. “You’ll have to let me read it when you’re done.”

  It was late at night when we reached Portland. Switching on the in-car GPS, I typed in the address from my phone and looked at the estimated time of arrival: 11:15pm. Only 20 minutes away. I started to get antsy, checking the clock often and staring out the window as the freeway gained more and more lanes and we entered the city. When we took an exit, I felt my heart start to beat a little faster. My hands were clenched tightly together in my lap and I started to wonder what the heck I was going to say when we got there. Would he even let me in?

  At 11:15, we pulled into a driveway and my mom double-checked the address. “Well, this is it, hon,” she said, switching off the car. “You want me to come in with you?”

  I shook my head. “No. I think I should do this by myself.”

  “Alright, I’ll be waiting out here. Take your time.”

  Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car and walked up the short path to the front door. The yard was a little overgrown, but it wasn’t a bad house. A little small, maybe, but kind of cozy-looking at the same time. I noticed a few lights on, shining through the curtains and I rang the doorbell, still wondering what I should say. A man opened the door and stared at me. I still remembered the man who rescued me from the bees, but this man looked so much older. For a second, I was afraid I had the wrong house, but then he narrowed his eyes. “Paige…?” he ventured.

  “Hi, Mr. Pierce. Is Asher here?”

  He nodded and stepped aside to let me in. “He’s just getting all his things moved in. I had a feeling Asher didn’t decide to move here on a whim. I should’ve known it was about a girl.” I felt a little bad for him then. Maybe he made some stupid decisions, but it must have sucked to know that none of your kids wanted anything to do with you.

  His dad led me back to Asher’s room, where he was standing on his bed, hanging up a pile of pictures and posters. I spotted a few photos of us on the wall, grinning from the top of a tree and one with our backs turned, dipping our legs in a creek. “Hey,” I said, hearing Asher’s dad retreat to another room.

  Asher spun around, sitting down heavily on the bed. “Wha-“

  “You are not getting away from me that easily, you moron,” I said, tossing the notebook at him. “Our story isn’t over yet.”

  He nudged the notebook away, looking wary. “Why are you here?”

  I put my hands on my hips. “To stop you from doing something stupid. You think you can just escape to Portland and it’s like we never existed?” I pointed at the wall. “You’ll wake up every day and see us.”

  “You’re saying I should tear down our pictures?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “No, I’m saying you should come home.” I tapped the notebook. “The girl you seduced from behind bars isn’t just going to let you run off. She’s coming after you.”

  His mouth twitched. “Don’t say that word – seduced – you sound like such a dork.”

  “Who’s going to rescue me when I fall down the stairs, or send me on scavenger hunts on Valentine’s Day, or write a freaking book with me?”

  The scowl returned to his face. “Like I said, I don’t want to be your next pity case.”

  “You think I pity you?” I matched
his glare, pausing for a second to wonder how exactly I could convince him that I had changed. I knew my feelings were true, but I didn’t blame him for not trusting me. “You know what I did when Jason told me he loved me?”

  He winced a little, but I knew it was necessary. “No.”

  “I passed out on the floor.”

  “Well, you weren’t much better with me!” he protested, even as his eyes narrowed a little in triumph. “You burst into tears and left me standing there.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I told you I loved you first. That wasn’t the part that upset me. Try it again. Tell me that you love me.”

  “I think that’s the name of a song.”

  “I think that’s the name of, like, ten songs,” I retorted. “Now do it.”

  He sighed and got to his feet. This time, he signed and said it at the same time. “I love you, Paige.” His voice sounded tired.

  I signed it as well. “I love you too, Asher. You see? You’re right - I was wrong to date Jason like that. I might be stupid, but I learn from my mistakes.” I reached for his hands and held them for a second, just looking at him, hoping he believed me. Then I turned, and left, lifting a weary hand in farewell to his dad. As I reached for the door, I heard steps coming down the hallway behind me.

  “Wait,” Asher said, “happy birthday, Paige.”

  I glanced at my watch. Sure enough, it wasn’t yet midnight. In all the chaos, I had totally forgotten it was my birthday. You might remember that #5 of my Regret List reads: Pretty much the entirety of my ninth grade year. There’s a reason I stuck the words “pretty much” in there. Because that moment, where Asher wished me a happy birthday, that part didn’t suck at all. And that smile he gave me, it made that birthday the best one so far.

  See you later, I signed, and left through the front door to rejoin my mom in the car. “How’d it go?” she asked, starting up the car and backing out of the driveway.

  I pursed my lips. “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “I guess we’ll see.” The next day, I didn’t hear from Asher. By Sunday, I was starting to worry that I had failed. Maybe I hadn’t got through to him. I decided to go up to the butte to clear my mind. Sitting up there, everything just seemed simpler. It’s almost like I could feel Asher’s presence up there, even when he was 200 miles away.

  I brought the mp3 player my mom had given me for my birthday and sat in the sun, dozing off a little with the ear buds filling my head with music. With a sudden movement, they were jerked out of my ears and I sat up, wide awake. For a moment, I honestly thought I was seven years old again, and I would open my eyes to find my mom handing me a backpack. Putting a hand to my eyes, I blocked out some of the bright sunlight that threatened to blind me. Asher stood above me, holding my ear buds in his hand. “What are you listening to?”

  “Asher!” I yelled, throwing myself at him and hugging him tightly. “What took you so long?”

  “Ugh,” he extricated himself from him my grasp, but he was smiling. “I was hanging out with my dad.”

  We sat down on one of the boulders. “Did you have fun?”

  “Yeah,” he said, surprise in his voice. “I left some of my stuff there. I think I’ll visit him again sometime.”

  “But you’re moving back here, right?” I asked.

  He shrugged, trying to look casual. “I suppose. If you insist.”

  “I do insist.”

  “Oh, hey.” He picked up the notebook from beside him and handed it to me. “It’s your turn.”

  Laughing, I leaned against him and opened the notebook to let the breeze rustle through the pages. We had come a long way, that girl and I. We hadn’t come out unscathed and I knew there were other rough roads ahead, but for the moment, it was time to just relax and appreciate where we were.

  You might be curious what happened between Asher and me, but I can’t really say. Not because I don’t want to tell you, but because that story isn’t over yet for me. I will say that we went to the end-of-the-year dance together. Technically, we went as friends, and we definitely didn’t get in trouble with a chaperone, like I had done with Jason. But still, I felt that spark between us again.

  As for Grace, she had her baby that summer and gave him to a couple in Portland that had been trying for years to adopt. I visited her in the hospital after she gave birth and while she wasn’t happy about the whole thing, she was okay, and that was the important part. Afterwards, she visited me a few times at my house. For the first time in my life, I finally had sleepovers and actually felt like a normal teenage girl with a friend to confide in. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out who my real friends were.

  Asher visited his dad a few times that summer as well. Eventually, he got Caden and Terrance to go with him as well. I wasn’t happy about losing him during those weeks, but at the same time, I knew it was a really good thing.

  I guess you’re wondering now why I told you this story. Part of it is a warning, I suppose, on what not to do, but part of it is for me. I’m tired of dwelling on my regrets, feeling that awful churning feeling in my gut when I think of my list. But when I tell the whole story like this, I start to see the other side of it. Some really good things happened along with those regrets. Even though my ninth grade year was a huge disaster overall, I still smile when I think back to it. So I guess maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is an opposite of guilt. It’s the relief you feel when you realize what happened is over and done with, and you pick up whatever knowledge you can and move on. I think the closest word would be solace.

  My Top 5 Pieces of Solace:

  Knowing my dad is no longer suffering

  Letting out the truth

  Seeing Grace grow up and make the hardest decision of her life

  Going after Asher and winning him back

  Being through with my ninth grade year