“That might be true, but you are also too comfortable now and I don’t want you to look back a few years from now and realize that you put your real dreams on hold because you were too afraid to step out and be who you really want to be!”
Marianne always had a way of finding the issues she tried to hide from herself and as she spoke to her it was as though a light bulb came on for her.
“I hate to admit it but you are right, my job has become a bit of a comfort zone for me. I guess after the way Darius reacted to my plans, I just put them away. There really is no reason why I shouldn’t have at least started my own school by now!”
“It’s because you are afraid to trust your heart, love. I know Darius gave you a hard time then, and I think that by now, he’s at least tried to explain why he made such a huge mistake with you! But coming out from hiding how you really feel about yourself will be your first step in deciding what you will do with your life! When you are honest with yourself then you can be honest with everyone else,” said Marianne sagely.
“Sometimes I still think about what it would be like to just go ahead and do it but I am afraid of failing and proving Darius was right all along!” she confessed.
“Honey, Darius does not think you are going to fail and I know he wants you at your peak! I just don’t want you to settle for what is comfortable and safe because you are afraid, that’s all!”
“Marianne, what would I do without you? I’ve missed our talks so much!”
“I know, and I’ve missed you too and I don’t want you to be a stranger anymore, no matter what you decide. You may have divorced Darius but you did not divorce me! I will always be here for you!”
Marianne felt her words sincerely from her heart and Candasee knew as usual that her advice came from a place of wisdom and love. As they walked from the parking lot at the hotel with linked arms she could not again help but feel just like two nights before at her engagement party when she was standing in Darius’ embrace that she had indeed come home!
Chapter 14
Nathan stood before the staff and delegates and congratulated them for all their hard work in pulling off another successful intensive. It was the final night and everyone was dressed in their best for the awards ceremony. The hotel events team really outdid themselves in preparing the conference room for the event with the gold white and violet theme that had been used to decorate the round tables, chairs and centrepieces.
The eventual winner of the scholarship performed a solo on the saxophone and all of the students and staff gave him a standing ovation for his brilliant performance. Nathan and another staff member presented the scholarship cheque which would allow the winner to have full expenses paid for three years to complete a certification in the area of his choice at the university in Barbados and also a part-time opportunity to work at the academy to gain professional experience. It was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and more than once the delegate could be seen wiping tears from his eyes as he stood to take his photos with the staff.
Afterwards, all of the delegates milled around hugging each other and exchanging phone numbers and email addresses because most of them would be flying home almost immediately the following morning. Tomorrow, the instructors would be going on the staff tour and rest day, a well deserved day off from anything creative, just to relax and see the sights Derrien Island had to offer.
This week had its ups and downs and many unexpected disappointments and as he greeted everyone and said his farewells, Nathan tried not notice that Candasee was nowhere to be found since the awards ceremony finished. It was probably his fault for giving Dave her job because working with her would have been excruciating, but now he did not know which was worse! They barely spoke to each other for almost three days and he was in a barely restrained foul mood for most of it! Whenever someone even mentioned her name he felt as though he would explode and he had to resort to deep breathing techniques most of the time to remain calm. Even eating and socializing with the team felt like agony for the past three days.
Tomorrow the staff would be taking a tour of the island’s museum and national nature reserve before ending off the evening with a catamaran tour of the west coast and snorkelling! Everyone seemed to be thrilled at the prospect of going and having a good time.
Everyone except Candasee! She seemed so withdrawn as if she did not belong with the group anymore. Even Solange told him to prepare himself for the worst because it seemed like she had already made her decision. He did not want to hear it at the time but more and more he wondered if Solange was right.
He hoped that by now they would have deepened their relationship this week so he could make a tentative proposal to her at sunset on the catamaran but those plans were little more than a laughable fantasy now. He forced a smile to his face as a few delegates approached him and shook his hand thanking him for the opportunity this week to sharpen and showcase their talents. After a few more conversations, Nathan was no longer focused on the room.
Where was she? He’d secretly hoped that she would at least protest his decision to replace her with Dave but not even that got her to break her vow of silence.
He walked out of the room where the dinner was being held to walk along the boardwalk scanning the beach for any sign of her. He walked along for about five minutes before finally spotting her leaning against a coconut tree and staring out toward the ocean. She looked beautiful dressed in a coral toned batik printed dress featuring a cold shoulder and a flared skirt that ended mid-thigh. Her hair was upswept and she wore large diamond teardrop earrings that sparkled in the moonlight.
Taking a deep breath he walked up to her slowly. The cracking of a palm branch beneath his feet startled her and she looked toward him with surprise.
“Oh Nathan, it’s you! You scared me,” she exclaimed with relief. “How are you? Are you pleased with how the intensive turned out?” she asked.
“How do you think I am Candasee, I miss you so much that it is taking all of my strength to pretend that this intensive actually is enough to take my attention away from all of this. I am in knots over the thought that I could end up leaving here without you!” he said openly. I really hate what this trip is doing to us. We came here as best friends, as two people who love each other and now seven days later we are barely speaking to each other.”
“I’ve missed you too, and this has been really hard on me as well. I want you to know that I really value you and all that you mean to my life.” Candasee began.
“If I am that important to you, then you know what needs to be done. Tell Darius to back off and to leave us alone! He had his chance and he blew it with you! Can’t you see that he doesn’t deserve another day of your time?” asked Nathan fuming inwardly.
“It’s not that simple Nathan, nothing is simple anymore. Although this had been difficult it has forced me to be honest with myself too.”
“Nathan turned her to face him by holding her shoulders.
“Candasee, Darius is going to be back by tomorrow, if he isn’t already here and I need to know what you’ve decided. I saw you with his mother last night and it was like if you were already walking away from me. Stop stretching this out! There is only so much I can take!” said Nathan through gritted teeth.
“I know Nathan! It is time to stop dragging this out! I am so sorry that this happened to you of all people. I think you are such an amazing man and I never wanted to hurt you, not for a second!” she said as tears flowed down her cheeks.
“Candasee I am going to ask you something that I want your honest answer to. I don’t know if I can take it but I have to know now! Tomorrow we will be free to explore this island with the other instructors and I was really hoping to spend the day with you!” he said brokenly. “Candasee when you close your eyes and look into your ideal future, the one where you have your dreams fulfilled and you are happy and in love, who do you see with you? Do you see yourself with Darius or do you see me?”
She had to tell him the truth that that th
e only face she ever saw from the beginning was Darius’. It never made sense but it that was how she felt. She was back at home and Darius was right the first night he’d sent her the card and flowers. It had just taken her much longer to realize it!
“Nathan please don’t ask me to answer you right now, this is a night you should be celebrating and you should be ending on a high!” she said.
“Candasee, I could have many intensives in the future but there is just one you. Tell me the truth, who do you see?” he pressed.
“I see Darius still, Nathan I’m sorry, I am so sorry!” she said. “I’ve tried to purge him from my heart and I never could. I wanted to make this work with you and it might have worked for a time but eventually I would have had to come to this point. I’m sorry, you don’t know how much!” she wept.
Nathan folded his lips in a thin line as he tried to absorb all he was hearing. He just couldn’t, even though she was standing right here telling him this, he just couldn’t accept it. He found himself looking at her and shaking his head.
“No Candasee, no, I refuse to believe that you took three entire days to come to this decision,” he said finally holding her shoulders firmly.
“Nathan, I never meant to hurt you, and I thought that if I tried to be with you I could forget Darius but I couldn’t, I’m sorry. I tried to make this work between us, I really did!”
Nathan allowed his hands to fall to his sides as he absorbed Candasee’s words. All of his hopes now shattered and empty. It was over. He couldn’t believe it.
“Hey you two!” shouted Dave, unless you plan to miss the toasting come on! You have more than enough time for all that making up later!”
“We’ll be there soon”, shouted Nathan keeping his back toward Dave not wanting him to see the pain that he was sure now clouded his features.
“I didn’t want to talk about this right now it wasn’t the right time Nathan.”
“There would never have been a perfect time for this conversation Candasee,” he answered in an agonized tone before walking away from her quickly and rejoining the festivities.
The rest of the evening seemed to drag on and on and although Candasee no longer felt the weight of her confession she felt the weight of the loss of Nathan’s friendship and his trust. She wouldn’t be returning home with the others at least not immediately and she would mail the Academy her resignation letter immediately. She’d wanted to say goodbye properly but Nathan was right, there was no perfect way to ever say goodbye to someone you loved. It was inevitable that they had that conversation and the outcome would have been the same.
During the toast as Nathan raised his glass to the health and to the happiness of the group, their eyes met and the brief shift from his forced smile to hurt was clearly evident. She prayed in that moment that he would find someone to love him and who could be for him all that he needed. He did deserve to be happy, but it just couldn’t be with her! She’d lost her heart to Darius years before and now there was a chance to work things out. That was what her heart wanted and trying to do the opposite would only mean she was living a lie just to please Nathan. He deserved so much more and she felt confident that someone would see that.
Even as she had that thought Solange came to stand beside her at the doorway. She was dressed in a gorgeous sea-blue sheath that emphasized her petite form.
“Hi, I don’t think we’ve officially met, but I’m Solange Hassell,” she said somewhat nervously. Candasee turned to see the woman at her side extending a hand to her. She shook it and returned the friendly smile that was being offered to her.
“Hi, I’m Candasee Maxwell,”
“So this is it for the intensive huh, did it surpass your expectations?” asked Solange.
“Actually it did! I am so glad that we had it here. The academy is going to get really excellent exposure and I am sure that it will help Nathan and his family extend their business further around the world,” replied Candasee sincerely. At least he got something wonderful out of this experience even if it wasn’t a life with her.
“I also think that this whole week was so unusual, almost supernatural the way things happened,” Solange agreed.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Oh, the way everything seemed to go wrong, from the storm, to my hotel losing the intensive, to me well, the last one doesn’t really matter anymore,” she said with a sad smile. “But as you said, look at all the good that came of it.”
“So did you come to see Darius?” asked Candasee now wondering why Solange was there.
“Oh no, I know when a man is in love and I know when to back off. I know you two were married before and it was clear to me that there is still something there between you two. Besides he was never interested in me like that! I actually came to say goodbye to Nathan. We are really old friends from back in college days and I haven’t seen him in years.”
“Oh! That’s great, I am sure that he will be glad to see you!” Candasee replied.
“Oh he’s waving me over now, it was nice to finally meet you Candasee!” she said before crossing the floor and giving Nathan a hug. Who knew what the future could hold for those two, thought Candasee as she observed the pair.
Chapter 15
The tour bus had just returned from the outing and it seemed to Darius as if he had counted every excruciating second which passed while waiting for them to return since morning. He’d cancelled all of his appointments and given Portia the day off and spent some extra time sleeping off the jet-lag and the time zone difference between Derrien and Los Angeles.
But above all of that, the true torture had been in being away for three days knowing that he could come back home to Candasee deciding that she would move on with Nathan. He could see that she needed the space to decide what it was that she truly wanted without any more pressure from him.
Work almost always succeeded at occupying his mind when he needed it to. He could easily have delegated this visit to one of his staff members or to a video conference but after the night on Krispin he realized that they best thing would be to let Candasee figure it out on her own and let her choose to come to him. More than once he had almost boarded his jet and returned to Derrien Island wondering what kind of crazy decision it was to go away at a time like this.
From his vantage point in the lobby he finally saw her climb off the bus wearing a red jumper that was soaked through and her long hair hung down to the middle of her back wild and free. He was trying not to make it so obvious that he was actually waiting for her but after making his staff so uncomfortable with his poking around in the office downstairs for hours, he finally relented and sat down in the lobby! Putting down the magazine he was reading, he stood and walked out to the stairs to greet her. Even though she was clearly wet and a little bedraggled from the tour her skin and eyes still glowed with a healthy radiance that was uniquely her.
His chest tightened with admiration as he watched her laughing and saying something funny to one of her colleagues, who leaned down to whisper something back in her ear. She was never aware of how beautiful and effervescent she was and he would be lucky if she agreed to share his life once again.
Candasee sensed Darius was near from the time she got off the bus and was glad for the cover Dave provided to disguise the nervousness she suddenly felt at seeing him standing there. Once again, she could not help but notice how devastatingly handsome and totally male and self-assured he looked as he stood by the steps obviously waiting for her. The only sign that he was just as nervous as her was how he clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly as the weight of his gaze rested on her and only her. She didn’t have to look at him to know he was watching her. Now that she was no longer fighting their connection she could sense it tangibly even across the distance. What was it about this man that held her heart in arrest for over two years even after they lived in separate countries? He looked totally amazing as usual wearing a light blue shirt she had given him some time ago which she’d always liked because of h
ow it emphasized the breadth of his shoulders.
Inwardly she cringed as she realized that compared to him she must look like a wreck having just come from the beach in her wet clothes and stringy hair.
As she neared the stairs she parted ways with Dave and made her way over to Darius. She stood before him not knowing what to say, when he impulsively pulled her into his arms for a hug. Her bags fell from her hands immediately as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I missed you!” he breathed into her neck inhaling the clean, salty scent of her skin.
“I missed you too Darius!” replied Candasee closing her eyes tightly as she allowed herself to willingly and openly relax in Darius arms for the first time in a long time.
Darius could scarcely believe what was happening here. He had already rehearsed what he would have said to her if she came over to him and said she’d chosen Nathan. But, it seemed that he wouldn’t need to bother after all. Her body moulded to his like a hand to a soft leather glove, and he never wanted to let her go. He could feel the eyes of her colleagues watching them and trying not to stare at their public display, but he didn’t care and from the looks of it neither did Candasee.
He wanted to kiss her so badly but this wasn’t the time or the place. They had to talk first and she had to make her position clear. He held her away from his body with what felt like super human effort and softly traced his finger along her cheek.
“Welcome back Darius! I hope your business trip was successful!” she said while coming to terms with the wonder of just how happy she was to see him. Darius noted with interest the way her eyes clung to every part of him. He’d worn this shirt on purpose knowing it was one of her favourites and her unguarded reaction to him was quite revealing.
“Yes the trip was a success, but how are you?”
Hidden Love (Derrien Island Trilogy) Page 21