When I Lied

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  When I lied, it was supposed to be simple.

  When I lied, no one was supposed to know.

  When I lied, no one was supposed to hurt.

  When I lied, it was selfish.

  When I lied, it was wrong.

  When I lied, I wasn’t going to let my guard down.

  When I lied, I never expected to fall in love.

  When I lied, I never thought I’d be the one to hurt you.

  When I lied, it was selfish.

  When I lied, it was wrong.

  But, me loving you was never a lie.

  I fell asleep crying and clutching what I’d written in my hand. MacKenna woke me with frantic knocking when she came home from class and we went to her room to play dress-up.

  “You know you owe me. I helped you with the microfiche.” She opened her closet.

  “Mack, how many formals have you been to?” Half of MacKenna’s closet was formal gowns. She had sequins, taffeta, satin. She had poufy, mermaid, tea length and floor length. I didn’t know how to choose.

  “Well, Jack and I started dating freshman year. He pledged in the spring and got in the next fall. There are two Beta Sig formals and two Tri Delt formals a year. So, that’s four just last year and I’ll have four this year. Most of these were my sisters’ so I just brought them along to school so they’d be here when I needed them. So, which one ya gonna go with?”

  “I like the black sparkly one, but is knee length too short for a masquerade ball?” I knew nothing about that the length of a dress and the type of event, but I was sure there were some rules.

  I pulled the dress from her closet and held it up to me as I checked myself out in MacKenna’s full-length mirror. It was beautiful. The sleeves were more like cuffs around my upper arm and the bodice was formfitting. Both shimmered with tiny iridescent jewels, not sequins. The skirt was black satin and fanned out like a long tutu with plenty of organza underneath to hold it out and away from my legs.

  “Oh, Kate, that will be beautiful on you. What do you want to do with your hair? You’re going to let me do your makeup, right?”

  “Of course I am. And I have no idea what to do with my hair.” I hung the dress back in the closet and pulled all my hair up into a twist in the back. “Can you do something like this? A French twist?”

  “I think that’s perfect. And, I have the perfect accessory to finish off the look.” She rummaged through a box in the bottom of her closet and pulled out something wrapped in white tissue paper. She unwrapped it with her back to me and then spun around with a huge smile on her face.

  “MacKenna!” I was floored. In her hands she held the most incredibly gorgeous mask. I hadn’t even thought that far ahead. I don’t know what I would have done without MacKenna’s help. I took the mask from her and held it up to my face in the mirror. The mask itself was white but was covered with a gorgeous patterned black lace and tiny black jewels. There was a wide black ribbon I could use to tie in a bow at the back of my head, which I was certain MacKenna could work into the twist in my hair.

  “This was what my sister wore to one of her husband’s fraternity formals at Penn State. They go all out up there and it was quite the event. I’ll show you the pictures sometime, but there’s no time for that now. We need to get you all dolled up.”

  “Are you sure your sister won’t mind me borrowing this?” The mask was so beautiful; I didn’t want to let it out of my grip.

  “She doesn’t even know I have it. I packed it and when she asked if I knew where it was, I lied.”

  Those two words hit me like a spear to the heart and I slowly dropped to my knees. My tears hit the floor before my knees did.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kate! Kate, what’s the matter? This is supposed to be a good night. A masquerade ball in D.C. with Oliver Walt. Sounds super romantic to me. Why all the tears?” MacKenna was on her knees in front of me with her hands on my shoulders. I was just going to give it to her. All of it.

  “Over the summer I created this fake person online. Lexi. Oliver commented a couple times, then he private messaged me, then we started texting and talking on the phone. He’s a broken soul and I tried to talk myself out of falling in love with him but I did.” I hadn’t yet admitted that to myself until that moment. I was in love with Oliver. “But I let that lie continue for too long, and when he came here unexpectedly, I needed a stand-in to be Lexi. Gretchen Adler was my only choice the day it happened. They’ve been kind of dating ever since, but I, Kate, have been his confidant. He can tell something is up because he’s not connecting with Lexi the way he’d expected. He was still texting me, Lexi, and I’d pass things along to Gretchen.”

  “Don’t get mad when I ask this, Kate, but why haven’t you told him?” Everything about MacKenna’s expression and body language was apologetic. She was just trying to understand.

  “Gretchen was blackmailing me with those damn pictures. She took my phone number out of his phone and put hers in so I lost touch. He changed his number so now I only see him when he stops by. He’s never given me, Kate, his number. And, now he’s leaving tomorrow to go back to the UK and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t tell him the truth, so I have to tell him tonight, on what could be the most romantic night I’ll ever have.” I wiped my face and stood up. MacKenna followed. “Now that I know those pictures aren’t of me, I’ve got nothing to lose…except Oliver.”

  MacKenna blinked about a hundred times and her mouth moved but nothing came out. She slowly walked over to me and grasped my shoulders tightly.

  “Kate, I didn’t realize this…this thing you are doing with Oliver was…Kate, do you…”

  “Yes, MacKenna, I’m in love with him.”

  “Then you have to tell him.” Mack’s hands were in her hair and she was taking deep cleansing breaths.

  “I know.” I knew waiting until the end of the date was selfish in a way, because I’d spend the evening pretending there was no lie. But on the other hand, if I told him right away, I’d ruin his entire night and he was so looking forward to being a normal person out at an event and not someone famous.

  “Well, let’s get started on your makeup and we can figure out the rest of your night as we go.”

  “Thanks, Mack.”

  “So.” She shook her head as if to try and make sense of it all. “Pierce Sunderland? Did that have to do with Oliver, too?”

  “I can’t tell you that, Mack.”

  “Kate, how in God’s name could you keep these secrets for so long?”

  “It really hasn’t been all that long if you think about it.”

  “Girl, thirty seconds is a decade when you’re falling for Oliver Walt and not telling anyone!” We laughed as she combed out my hair.

  “Oh, no.” I touched my hair.

  “What?” MacKenna pushed my hand out of the way and finished combing.

  “Lexi has dark hair. I don’t.” I’d been so focused on the tragedy I was about to create by telling Oliver to truth…playing the part to a T just wasn’t something I’d thought through.

  “Well, the mask actually came with a lace drape that covers the top of your head. I never understood the purpose of it, but now I see where it could come in handy.” She winked and continued with my hair.

  “Perfect.”

  The universe was on my side tonight. At least I hoped it was.

  “So, why Gretchen Adler?” She glanced up at me and smiled as she twisted and pinned.

  “When I lost you guys at the Billabong Festival, I was on Jason’s shoulders and I saw Oliver pointing and flirting with Gretchen in the crowd. He knew Lexi would be there, so I figured he assumed Gretchen was Lexi. I was planning on telling him when I went backstage—”

  “So, you went there…with us… you knew you were going backstage to meet him?”

  “Well, technically I’d already met him. We knew each other pretty well by that point in time. We connected soon after I graduated.”

  “I still don’t understand how Gretchen gets pulled into
all of this.”

  “When the EMTs carried Oliver offstage, he wanted me to come backstage right away. I had no idea what was wrong with him or why he collapsed and I was worried springing the whole ‘I’m not Lexi’ thing on him would be detrimental to his health. So, I panicked and told Gretchen she could meet him if she just pretended her name was Lexi. She looked more like the fake profile picture than I did.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. It was a terrible thing I’d done.

  “I have no idea how you kept this quiet for so long.” She shook her head.

  “But, that’s just it. I wasn’t proud of what I was doing. It was like the Catfish show on MTV. The person who is lying and posting fake pictures is always the bad guy. It’s dishonest and wrong to lead someone on that way.” My eyes filled up with tears.

  “But, you weren’t trying to trap Oliver. You couldn’t have predicted that of all the people online, he’d latch onto you.” MacKenna handed me a tissue.

  “Exactly. And every time after that when I’d make up my mind I was going to tell him, he’d either tell me something tragic from his life or he’d make some comment about how I was the only person in the world he ever trusted. And then Gretchen started threatening me. More than once I thought it was useless and I should just let go of the idea of telling him the truth and let myself fall away from the situation completely. But I couldn’t bear the idea of Gretchen…Lexi… getting tired of him and dumping him. I don’t know what he’d do.”

  “Wow, Kate.” MacKenna moved between me and the mirror to add a little pouf to the top of my hairdo.

  “Yeah. And she had sex with him.” I watched MacKenna’s knees buckle and then she caught herself with her hand on my shoulder.

  “Gretchen. Was naked. With Oliver.” Her eyes fluttered again.

  “They had sex on my futon while I was in my bed.”

  “WHAT?”

  If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was having a catatonic seizure. She didn’t move for more than a minute but she blinked a thousand times.

  “Oliver has stopped by more than once and we’ve had deep, intimate conversations. We’ve kissed. And the last time he was here he was drunk and spent the night. And as we were falling asleep he told me he loved me. But, I don’t know if he remembers.”

  “He loves you but yet he doesn’t ask for your number?” Whew. She was out of her catatonic state.

  “I think he’s being loyal to Lexi. He’s mentioned more than once that he feels different around Lexi in person than he did when their relationship was online. But I’ve watched him go back to her over and over as if he’s hanging onto the hope that he will breathe life into the connection he felt when I was Lexi online.”

  “Well, no shit, Sherlock.”

  “Mack, I’m going to break his heart tonight.” I lifted my hands to my face and lost it. MacKenna rubbed my back and let me cry it out. There was nothing she could say to make it better and she knew I wasn’t expecting there to be anything she could do but be there.

  “But, you’re doing the right thing by telling him. It might hurt but it shows how much you honor the relationship the two of you have built. He’ll be able to see that. Someday.”

  Eighteen

  6:55 pm

  My palms were sweating, my whole body quaked and there was a fierce tingling in my extremities. I was so excited to go on this date with Oliver, but as usual, my excitement was overshadowed by my responsibility to be honest with him.

  MacKenna waited with me by the window of my room that looked out onto the sidewalk where I expected the limo to pull up.

  “So, how are you going to tell him?”

  I dropped my head and tried to hold back the tears. I spotted the spiral notebook on my desk that I’d written in earlier. I tore the page out and handed it to MacKenna. She questioned me with her eyes and then looked down at what I’d written.

  MacKenna looked up at me and a tear fell to the page. She wiped it away quickly and cleared her throat. “It takes a lot to make me tear up, Kate Green. This is beautiful. My heart hurts for both of you.”

  A glint of light shot into the room and I looked up to see the streetlight’s reflection in the limo’s windshield. MacKenna handed me what I’d written.

  Walter: Your chariot awaits, love.

  I tipped my phone so MacKenna could read it. She bit her lip to keep from frowning.

  “You look beautiful, Kate. And you’re doing the right thing. Just take a deep breath and put on your mask.”

  I thought about how ironic it was that I’d be taking off a literal mask tonight to lift the figurative one.

  Me: I’ll be right out.

  Walter: <3

  I walked over to the long mirror and MacKenna placed the mask on my face. She pulled the lace drape down over my hair and tied the ribbon tight. Even I didn’t recognize myself. My hair looked darker under the shadows of the black lace drape, MacKenna had insisted on bright red lipstick, and the length of the dress, the black stockings and skyscraper black heels made my legs look a mile long. I took a deep breath and MacKenna followed me out into the hall.

  “Mack?” I turned when I heard Emily’s voice. Ally, Jules and Hayden were with her, all looking perplexed at who MacKenna was standing with. They walked right up to us and I could tell they still had no idea who was behind the mask.

  “Girls, it’s me. Kate.” Four mouths slowly dropped open and they struggled to make sense of what they saw.

  “Kate, you look amazing!” Jules took one of my hands and twirled me.

  “Thanks.”

  “So, are you going out with Oliver?” Hayden smiled sweetly.

  MacKenna looked at me with a sympathetic smile.

  “Mack can fill you in.”

  They each hugged me as I walked out into the chilly evening air and realized I probably should have borrowed a shawl. This time, Oliver stepped out of the back of the limo, no mask, just his unbelievably gorgeous face. His thick, dark curls were as unruly as ever. From the neck up he was always Oliver Walt. But the rest of him looked like he’d just walked out of a GQ magazine. He wore black tux pants and a crisp white shirt with a silver and gray patterned vest and bowtie and a long black cape to fit the theme of the ball. I watched him suck in a staggered breath when I stepped into the light and a wide smile spread across his face.

  “Lexi, you look absolutely stunning.” He reached for my hand.

  “You look amazing, as well, Oliver.” My voice came out all breathy, almost seductive, which was not my intention. It shook almost as badly as my legs. That’s when it hit me that my voice might give me away. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first be practice to deceive.

  I glanced back at the hallway window. The girls’ eyes were wide; their hands covered their mouths. Oliver turned to see what had taken my attention. He giggled a sweet Oliver giggle and blew the girls kisses. They squealed like ten-year-olds and waved as they bounced up and down. When it hit me that Oliver had seen the girls as they left my room that one time, I got nervous that he’d figure it all out, but when he didn’t seem to question it, I figured since Gretchen and I lived in the same hallway, it wouldn’t be odd for us to have the same group of friends.

  I didn’t want him to figure it out. He needed to hear the truth from me.

  I slid into the limo first; Oliver followed and sat across from me on the other bench seat, then reached forward and knocked on the divider window. The car slowly pulled away from the curb. I folded my hands over my clutch in my lap and just admired him as he popped open a bottle of champagne and filled two fluted glasses. He handed me one and then for just a couple seconds longer, he looked me up and down, his beautiful smile never fading. He raised his glass.

  “To one last night together.” A pang hit my heart and I sucked in a quick breath.

  “I wish you weren’t leaving.” I tried not to sound like I held a sob captive in the middle of my throat as I raised my glass and clinked it with his. I held all my nerves in my voice, always had.

/>   “I don’t want to leave either, but we knew I’d eventually go home.”

  He looked down at the glass in his hands.

  “Oliver?”

  He didn’t answer but looked up at me.

  “Lexi, let’s not think about me leaving. This evening spent with you should have no end.” He got up and moved over to my seat. “Don’t you want to take off your mask?”

  “It’s difficult to do without ruining my hair. You don’t mind if I keep it on, do you?”

  “Not at all. Just means I should wear mine as well.”

  Oliver’s mask was a simple flat gunmetal color, which matched his bowtie and vest. He placed it on his face and pulled the elastic strap up over his head. The mask was a bit larger than I’d expected and covered much of his beautiful face, which was a tad disappointing, but I could still see his eyes. And his eyes held so much of his soul, I’d let them carry me through the evening.

  Oliver reached for my hand and nuzzled my neck with his nose. Goose bumps rose across my whole body and I shivered a little.

  “You smell different.”

  My heart stopped. Oliver was extremely perceptive, too perceptive to let this go on too much longer. I assumed I had about an hour before he picked up on enough differences to blow this lie wide open. I gave up on holding out telling Oliver the truth just so the night was perfect for both of us. I needed to tell him.

  “Oliver, I need to tell you something.”

  The limo came to a sudden screeching halt. Oliver and I almost flew out of our seats.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Walt.” The driver spoke through an intercom system and left the privacy window closed. “Traffic just came to a dead stop.”

  “No worries. I’d rather get there in one piece, thank you.” Oliver smiled and then reached for my arms. “Are you okay, love?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Oliver laid his hand over my heart. The bare skin of his hand touching me just above my breasts had me coming apart at the seams. I stopped breathing and just felt him.

  “Your heart is beating so fast. Relax, love. We’re okay.”