Love is My Sin: Oathcursed, Book 2

by Julia Knight

  He was every constraint Hunter had ever felt. Every shame he had known. Worse. Oku had taken Hilde’s life and grasped it in his jealous hand, made her swear an eternity away. And now had killed her. But Hunter didn’t care about Oku’s wrath. He cared only whether he lived up to Regin, as much as any man ever could. Whether he’d lived by his standard. He hadn’t, not yet. But maybe he would now.

  Hunter stood up and gripped Regin’s sword with a firm hand. Every thought fled but the need to use it. It thrilled up his arm, through his brain, pounded in his heart. He cast a glance at the crowd. Regin stood watching impassively from amongst the silent throng. Young and strong and impossibly vital. Two others stood with him, two people he recognised from the inn at Erna. An old man in a hat that shaded his gaze and an old woman so wrinkled her eyes were almost hidden in folds of skin. But what he could see of her eyes was so compelling, so full of compassion he had difficulty tearing his own eyes away. Hadn’t Ilfayne once said that Kyr often walked the world as a crone?

  The deep rumble of Oku’s voice made him turn. “You would disobey your god? If you do, then your fate will be the same as Hilde’s, and for the same reason. Obey me!”

  Hunter looked up into a face twisted with hate and felt something snap inside. All his life he’d been nothing but this god’s slave. A slave to his need for perfection, to the shame that came with not attaining that perfection. Slave to his unbending will. Hilde was his slave too, and that was something Hunter could not bear.

  He took a deep shuddering breath; sure he was consigning himself to the ultimate shame. Consigning his soul to the Dark. But he couldn’t let Oku do this to Hilde, to himself, to Nerinna, to everyone, even if his soul was damned for it. He drew himself up and looked up at Oku. Into the face of jealousy turned to madness. If he went to the Dark for this, it would be worth it.

  “I won’t kill him for you. Commit your own murders if you must. I don’t make deals with liars. You’re the god of justice—you should abhor untruths. You’re not my god, not any more. My oaths will chain my soul no more. I didn’t worship Regin as a god before but I do now. Because he would never lie to me. No one is dying here today. Except you.”

  He leapt towards Oku, Regin’s sword hot in his hand, and aimed for the heart. A casual swipe of Oku’s huge hand knocked him to the flagstones, made pain a hot thread of molten lead in his arm no matter the power of the sword, but he dragged himself back to his feet. Fear-sweat soaked his shirt and dripped from his beard, but he faced Oku again. He wouldn’t be a slave any more. No one would be. Not if he could prevent it.

  He leapt again. This time the blade bit flesh before he was thrown. Oku roared in pain and his blood dripped down his banner, mixed with that of his victims on the dusty street. Hunter put the point of the sword against the flags and heaved himself upright, his own blood dripping at his feet. Even Regin’s sword couldn’t beat this pain. Not the fire in his shoulder, the sharp bite of the wound in his arm, not the bruised ribs that made every breath an agony. Not the shredding of his heart at the realisation he’d lived his life according to a false creed. One that didn’t care except for bloody-minded adherence.

  “You think you can beat me?” Oku laughed at him, at his pain and shame. “You think to take on a god? Alone?”

  “Not alone,” Ilfayne said from behind Hunter. Tears wet his face, ran from his little beard, but he had Hilde’s mace in his hand. “You may have taken my magic, but I’ll gladly help him.”

  “And me!” Sannir appeared at Hunter’s left shoulder, his sword drawn and a determined look on his amiable face.

  And then a rush of men came forward, a solid wall at Hunter’s back. More and more came, swords at the ready, until the crowd formed a single entity radiating ill-will to Oku. He had lied. God of Oaths and Justice had lied to them all, had broken their trust.

  Hunter looked round, at the looks on their faces that showed they too knew they had been betrayed. At who he thought was Kyr. She nodded at him and smiled sadly.

  Hunter choked back the lump in his throat and stood up straight. Kyr, forgive me for what I will do. “You broke your oath. Take your own justice!”

  A roar of approval, of swords clashing on breastplate and shield, joined the crowd in one thought.

  Together they leapt.

  Consequences

  Nerinna protected Hilde’s prone form as they attacked, keeping her safe for Hunter. She watched in disbelief as Oku’s form began to crumble until, with a rush of fetid air, he was gone. The crowd didn’t stop; their sudden betrayal by their god had gone too far for that. They turned their attention to Oku’s temple.

  Ilfayne staggered back to them, his face pallid and shocked, and sank to his knees beside Hilde. “Did you get enough in her?”

  Nerinna was stunned to discover just how much her heart hurt for him, for both of them. “I don’t know. I didn’t have time to give her much. She’s still just as hot to the touch.”

  Ilfayne laid his hand on Hilde’s forehead and ran his fingers softly over her face. “I’ve been so stupid. So bloody stupid. And she’s paying for it.” He shut his eyes and tears leaked from under the lids.

  A shadow fell over them and Nerinna looked up to see Regin, his face etched in lines of sorrow.

  Ilfayne glared up at him. “Some bloody god you are. I only ever asked you for one thing. One! Don’t let me lose Hilde. That’s all I asked, and you couldn’t even do that!”

  “I never asked for this. And it wasn’t me who drove her away by being an idiot. It has to be her choice. Every day she has to make the choice to stay. And every day you have to make the choice easy for her.”

  “How could I? How could I condemn us both to that, for some stupid bloody soldier who’ll die soon enough anyway?”

  “A stupid bloody soldier who just defied a god to save your scrawny neck. Not for you, for her. You thought clutching at her would help? It’ll only help her decide to go. The more you grab at water, the quicker it slips through your hand. Don’t you remember that she wouldn’t take a kyrbodan to her because she wouldn’t be forced? And if she’d let Hunter die, would she still be Hilde?”

  Ilfayne wouldn’t look at him, only clenched his hand and stared at Hilde. “Will she live?”

  “I don’t know. But I do know that things are different. Oku is gone from the Halls, but not destroyed. Fewer will follow him, so he’ll have less faith, less strength. And that will spread as the story does, will make him weaker in the world. And in the world is where he’ll stay. The balance is shifted. But your oath still holds.”

  “But he broke it! He broke it.” Ilfayne’s words were almost sobs. “Surely it cannot bind us now?”

  “And you broke it, more than once. It didn’t end the oath. Until your deaths, or his. At the least Hunter has given you that chance. Oku is here now. In your world. You are not free, yet.”

  “That’s not a great deal of comfort.”

  “I’m not in the business of giving comfort. But I am your friend, and I will do anything I can. Now find the healers, and see if you can save her.”

  ***

  Hunter stumbled to where Ilfayne was struggling to pick up Hilde, just as Jolnin and Aran came from the other direction. Blood seeped from under Aran’s hair and he looked dazed, but he hurried to Nerinna’s side while Jolnin helped Ilfayne.

  Nerinna hovered nearby, still protective of Hilde, covered in her own and Valguard’s blood. She looked up at Aran and burst into tears. Hunter’s first reaction was to go to her, to hold her, but he hesitated when Aran put his arm around her shaking shoulders.

  Jolnin hurried off with Ilfayne, Hilde in his arms, to find the healers. Aran and Nerinna followed more slowly and Hunter shadowed them, not sure what to say, or do, or even feel. His hands shook and he was sick to his stomach at what had happened. At what he’d dared to do. Valguard had been right about him. Blasphemy.

  A hand on his arm stopped him. He turned and looked up at Regin, and still he had no words. He’d killed Valguard to
save Nerinna, defied Oku and damned himself for Hilde, and he had neither of them. Nothing was left inside of him, not rage or grief or even love. An empty shell lived where his heart should be, with no future to look forward to. He would have sold his soul for three drops of duria, and an end to all things.

  Regin gripped his arm. “Never mind oaths. Never mind gods. Did you do what was right in your heart?”

  Hunter shut his eyes against the blackness inside him and nodded. “Yes. I wanted to be worthy of you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  Regin laughed and encased him in a bear hug. “You always have been. And always will be, so long as you keep doing what is right in your heart. Now go and see the healers. You’ve a wound or two to tend to yourself.”

  In an eyeblink he was gone, as if he had never been, or Hunter had dreamed him.

  ***

  Nerinna allowed Aran to lead her to a large room where the healers were busy patching up the injured. One came towards her but she waved him away. The blood that covered her was almost all Valguard’s. She shuddered—she could think of little else but the sight of a god’s destruction and the faces of those who had brought him down.

  Hunter came in, blank-eyed and wraith-like, and slumped in a chair at the far end of the room. As far from her as he could. She didn’t blame him. She’d propositioned him against all his values. Tried to get him to break the honour that was the very core of him. He thought she had bedded Valguard, that she’d traded herself when she should be true to Aran. Every move of hers had driven him further from her.

  Should she go and explain herself? Doubtless it would achieve nothing, only push him further away. She should forget him, get this damned alliance sealed in steel and try and be a true wife to Aran. Whether she could when she would have to see Hunter every day, that was another matter. But she would try. Try to make Aran happy, be the good wife Hunter wanted for his son. Because that was all she could do to make Hunter happy. That last thought squeezed at her heart, and fresh tears fell from under her lids.

  Someone sat next to her and she tore her gaze away, wiped at her face with the heel of her hand. Aran offered her a gentle smile. The cut on his head had been stitched and he held out a bowl of hot water and a clean towel for her.

  “I thought you’d like to be able to clean yourself up.”

  She smiled weakly at him. He really was a very sweet boy. “Thank you.”

  He watched her closely as she washed the blood from her face and hands, wiped at her hair for a few moments before she gave up, rinsed it in the bowl and dragged it back into a dripping ponytail. Her eyes seemed to have a life of their own; no matter how she tried not to, she kept looking at Hunter, at his empty eyes and the way his hand shook with exhaustion.

  “I think,” Aran said, making her jump. “I think that this marriage won’t work.”

  “But Aran—the men—the food? You need one as much as I need the other.” And I don’t want to have to marry Arashin.

  He held up his hand before she could protest any further. “Please, let me finish. I think that we’re not well suited. You, my lady, require a very different sort of man than I am, or ever will be. I wondered whether maybe we could arrange something with one of my other nobles. One who might suit you better?”

  “I—I don’t know what you mean.” Was it that apparent? Gods, who cared? But still, Hunter wouldn’t have anything to do with her.

  “I think you do. I saw you on the dais. Your tears for him, and your kiss.”

  Nerinna looked down at her fingers as they fidgeted in her lap and her eyes slid towards Hunter again. “Yes, yes I do. But it’s not possible. He doesn’t return the interest. I wouldn’t embarrass myself again by making an offer that would be refused.”

  “He wouldn’t refuse if I commanded him. But I don’t think he’d refuse. He tries very hard to hide it, but I saw how he looked at you after he killed Valguard, when he was holding you. I know him as well as I know myself, he’s the closest I have to a father and just as dear to me. Valguard was right in one thing—Hunter did love my mother, very much. And I remember that he looked at her the same way.”

  “Then why—”

  “Because we’d made a promise, you and I. And he’d made a promise to me. And he would no more betray that than he would have betrayed his word for my mother, for his own sworn word and the good of his soul. And I wouldn’t have him go through that again. Why have three people miserable, when two could be happy? Besides, and I mean no offence, but the thought of being married to you terrifies me!”

  Nerinna put a hand over her mouth to stifle the laughs and sobs that threatened to come out together. Then she threw her arms around him and kissed him soundly on the lips. “Thank you, oh thank you.”

  He really was the sweetest boy.

  ***

  Hilde opened her eyes from a dream sent by Kyr, and for a moment couldn’t think where she was. In a bed, in some inn somewhere. But Ilfayne wasn’t in the bed with her. He sat asleep in a chair beside the bed, looking old and worn. Parts of his beard had been burned away and a strand of grey that had not been there before marked his jet hair. His fingers twisted through hers as though he was trying to keep her from drifting away.

  She sat up a little. For the first time in days her stomach didn’t burn. At her movement Ilfayne opened his eyes and watched her warily. She had no idea what was in his heart—again he was shut to her, a dead space where he should have been, and that hurt her, made twisting little pains run through her heart. That dead space seemed like the end of the world and the hated tears ran down her face. Hot, unstoppable tears that seemed dragged from the very core of her.

  Ilfayne came and sat on the bed, put a hesitant arm around her as though he wasn’t sure whether she would accept it or cut it off. But she slid into his embrace as though it were home, wept her tears into his neck as he stroked her hair.

  “Shh, Hilde. I’m sorry, truly I am. I don’t know what possessed me—” Tears choked his voice, ones that he tried very hard not to shed. “I’m sorry. For everything. I’ve been an idiot.”

  She said nothing for a moment, not trusting her voice. Finally she had to ask, had to know. “Do you only love me because I’m the only one who’ll stay, because—because you can’t have Devanna?”

  His arm held her firmer. “No! No, of course not. I love you because you care about everyone, always see the best in them. Because you’d have done this for Hunter, even as I couldn’t. I hated you doing it. But I admire you for it, love you for it just the same. The day you won’t give up everything for someone you care for, that may be the day I no longer love you. But that day will never come. Because you’re braver than I could ever be.”

  “You gave up everything for me once. Even your life, your afterlife. Everything. You’re braver than you think.”

  “You see, that’s why I love you. Always thinking the best of people. Even me. Reminding me that maybe I should do the same. The light on the dark side of me. But for a while, for a while I thought you cared more for Hunter than you did for me.”

  “It’s always been you, since the day you met me and never once made Kyr’s Ward at me. But in the square, you were going to, because—” A sob rose in her chest and robbed her of her voice.

  Ilfayne sat back and looked at her, stared at her so intently it almost made her want to sob again. And then he let his guard down, let her see inside him. Let her see the hurt he had caused himself, the utter devastation. The crushing guilt. “The square, that was what Neldor showed me. And that’s why I didn’t want you coming. I wouldn’t have done it. Never. I wasn’t going to do it, but what Oku threatened—Devanna’s been haunting me for weeks, in my dreams. Accusing me of betraying her by being with you. And the poison addled my mind for a moment—I barely knew where I was, thought maybe I was back then, back when she died. Those dreams, I—they—” His heart shrivelled in him at that.

  “—were sent by Oku, as were mine,” she said, remembering the dream she’d just had, which she
knew without doubt was from Kyr. “His jealousy leaking into everyone. Just another torment, another lie, to force us apart. He couldn’t get to us otherwise.”

  “I just wanted her to stop, to forgive me for being with you. She said if I’d ever loved her I would find a way to bring her back. I didn’t worry so much at first, but when they kept coming—but I couldn’t and she wouldn’t forgive me.”

  “But surely when you were awake?”

  He smiled at her and drew her head back on his shoulder. “Very jealous woman, Devanna. Very. I couldn’t be sure. Only sure that I wanted to be with you. But the dreams—she wouldn’t let me. Because I made something for your nameday. I thought that’s why she was haunting me.” He pulled away from her for a moment and fished in one of his pouches. When he drew his hand out he was holding a ring, a gold band finely etched and set with rubies.

  “I wouldn’t have ever asked you to say it in front of him, never in front of him. But I thought we could say it just to each other, or all these shrines to Regin, we could say it in front of him.” He looked down at his hand, unable to look her in her face maybe. “If you still want to.”

  “It’s beautiful—but I don’t need it. I don’t need anything to remind me that I love you. I didn’t miss you nannying me but I did miss you, you old bugger.”

  He smiled hesitantly and she rested her head on his chest again.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before? About the children?”

  He snorted and stroked her back. “And watch you die to try and give me what you thought I wanted?”

  “You don’t then?”

  He was silent a moment, just running his hand round and down over her stomach. It hovered there for a moment, as though he were afraid to touch it, touch her. “Yes, very much. But not enough that I wanted to risk you for them. Nothing would be worth that, or didn’t you realise? You’re only half-kyrbodan, but that would be enough for it to kill you. But Nerinna found the antidote, one I never knew existed. Hunter sent someone off to find some, it only lasts for a week at most before you’ll have to take more. And even if Regin hadn’t stopped me, I swear I wouldn’t have done what Oku wanted in the square. Even not in my right mind I wouldn’t have done that. I swear, Hilde. I told you—I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for you. Even the Dark, if that’s what it takes.”