First to Fall

by Carys Jones

  ‘It’s for the best.’ She rubbed her hand across his back; he was cold to the touch.

  ‘Is it?’ He looked at his wife with empty eyes. Although she had not seen him cry he appeared to have no tears left. He was like a shell.

  ‘Aid, it will all be over soon and things can return to normal.’

  ‘You smashed my mug.’

  ‘What?’ She was taken completely by surprise by his random mention of the shattered mug.

  ‘My mug was normal. You destroyed that.’

  Isla tried not to read too much into what her husband was saying. He was sleep deprived and talking nonsense.

  ‘Do you want me to drive you? You look exhausted.’

  ‘No, I’ll be fine.’

  She kissed him on the cheek but he didn’t appear to notice. With feet like lead, Aiden dragged himself to his car and drove off towards Eastham Ladies Penitentiary to watch a light be extinguished.

  The prison was a hive of activity. Like ants, people were scurrying back and forth, up and down corridors doing their various chores. The parking lot was busting at the seams as Avalon residents flocked to see the execution of Brandy White. There was a heavy media presence, numerous reporters were already broadcasting from outside, it was big news.

  The sun was refusing to shine that day which added to Aiden’s sombre mood. He pushed past the morbid spectators, disgusted by their vulgarity and lack of humanity. They were behaving as if they were at a football game. Their attitude sickened him to his very core. He kept his head down and navigated his way into the prison. None of these people had ever bothered about Brandy before, but now that their bloodlust had taken over, here they were.

  ‘Brandy White, local disgraced beauty queen, will today be executed for the brutal murder of her husband, Brandon White.’

  He caught the beginning of one reporter’s broadcast just as the doors slammed shut behind him. The grey of the walls felt like it was seeping into his skin, crawling through his veins and turning his entire universe into a dull, lacklustre shade of charcoal. He walked the familiar route to Brandy in a trance, as though he were a zombie. In a way, he felt like the undead. A part of him had truly died when Brandy was sentenced to death. The part that lives in all of us, which believes that there is some good in the world, like when you drop all your shopping bags and a stranger stops to help you pick them up. No dark motive, just someone being a Good Samaritan, helping for helping’s sake, that part in him, which we call hope, was gone. Aiden no longer lived in a world were justice prevailed and you could rely on the kindness of strangers. Goodness was gone, replaced with cruelty and the sad realisation that some wicked people were indifferent to life and death.

  A lump grew in his throat as he got ever closer to the room with the familiar Perspex wall. What was he going to say to her? How was your last meal? It was absurd. There was nothing he could possibly say to make her feel better, or himself for that matter. He had failed Brandy and he felt ashamed to even face her. But he knew he had to comfort her, he owed her that much. But it was going to be so very hard to see her, and to know that it would be for the last time.

  He was so consumed with his emotions that he failed to notice that he was being guided along a new, unfamiliar route.

  ‘Where are we going?’ he asked, his senses snapping back.

  ‘To a private room, Mr. Connelly. Mrs. White requested to see you alone, it was her last request.’

  He felt his pulse quicken. She wanted to see him alone? Would there be a glass wall separating them? He thought about everything they had said to one another, and everything that had been left unsaid. It stuck in his mind how fearful she was of everyone hating her.

  ‘The people outside…’

  ‘What about them?’ The prison guard guiding him stopped and turned to face him. Her face was stern but there was a warmth to her which hinted that perhaps, beyond these grey walls, she was a happy, jovial woman. She stood a good three inches taller than Aiden and was well fed. He felt slightly intimidated.

  ‘They won’t be present at the…’ He couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

  ‘At the execution?’ She finished his sentence for him.

  ‘Yes, I don’t want them in there. It will devastate Brandy to see them all in there, looking at…’

  ‘I understand but you don’t need to worry. Only yourself and close friends and family of the victim are granted access into the viewing chamber. She need never know about the circus outside.’

  ‘Well, that’s good then.’

  The guard turned to continue but then stopped herself and faced Aiden again.

  ‘I know what them people out there are saying, Mr. Connelly. I live in Meadowgate, the next town over from Avalon and news spreads like crabs at a college party. But I don’t think Brandy is a monster, far from it. I’ve seen the marks on her, I know you ain’t lying. She’s a good person and I’ll miss her around here. But God, he knows the truth, he won’t judge, he’ll welcome an angel like that with open arms. I just thought you should know, because you seem different from the others. Like you have a heart.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Just, don’t let her think everybody hates her, because it isn’t like that. It is more than my job’s worth to say that to her, mind, but perhaps you can. You seem like a good man. Don’t let all this change you.’

  Aiden thanked her again and they continued their journey towards prisoner 929. He felt strangely comforted by the random insightfulness shown by the guard.

  ‘The people of Avalon have congregated here to see justice served. I have with me the victim’s father, Clyde White,’ the reporter told the camera. ‘Mr. White, how are you feeling at this traumatic time? Will today give you closure?’

  She shoved the microphone towards Clyde. Gone was the emotional wreck of a man who had appeared in court. In his place stood an immaculate, well turned out gentleman in a suit who looked every inch the successful businessman. The only traces of the sadness eating away at his heart were the lines etched around his eyes and across his forehead. He had aged ten years in the past few months.

  ‘I have come to see my son’s killer get what she deserves, but it won’t bring my son back. My family and I will be forever lost without him.’

  Isla switched the television off. Even on screen, with the backdrop of the prison, Clyde White still made her feel uncomfortable. She carried on braiding Meegan’s hair who was sat quietly on her lap, playing with one of her dolls.

  ‘Will Daddy be home soon?’ she asked hopefully.

  ‘Yes, Daddy will be home very soon, baby.’ She tried to sound upbeat for her daughter but knew she wasn’t very convincing.

  ‘Is Daddy going to beOK?’

  ‘Yes, he is going to be fine.’ Of that she was certain. Aiden was a strong man, he would bounce back from all of this, he had to.

  Brandy White was afraid. Despite all her religious beliefs, she had no real idea of what was waiting for her in the great beyond. Perhaps heaven did exist, but in that case, hell must exist too and what if she were destined for there? An afterlife spent in fiery torment. She shivered at the thought. Or perhaps, after you took your last breath, nothing happens. The world just stops, for you at least, as your mortal life comes to an end. Maybe all that awaited her was never-ending darkness. Wherever she was going, she would rather stay where she was. Even though her life had been far from ideal she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to it. Brandon had been a monster, there was no doubt about that. But now, in her final moments, she found herself wondering if he had really deserved to die.

  When Aiden entered the room he had to fight back the tears which immediately formed in his eyes. Prisoner 929 was sat, hands in lap with a wistful look upon her face. She looked more beautiful than ever, heavenly even. The guard closed the door behind Aiden and for the first time ever, they were completely alone. There was no Perspex plate forming a barrier between them, no silver bracelets around Brandy’s tiny wrists to restrict her movement. There were
just two plastic chairs and a wooden table. She was still wearing the garish orange jumpsuit but she did not look like a criminal to Aiden, she looked like a victim.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he blurted, as without thinking he sat down and grabbed her hands across the table. She was deathly cold.

  ‘Don’t be sorry.’ Her voice so soft, so sweet. ‘You did your best.’ She smiled at him and his heart melted.

  ‘Father West, he was supposed to testify, but he didn’t show, if he’d just spoken about what he knew…’ He tightened his grip on her hands in anger.

  ‘Father West?’ she asked, alarmed.

  ‘Yes, he was willing to take the stand for you. Well, he said he was, he obviously lied.’

  ‘A priest would never testify in court, Mr. Connelly, it just isn’t right. Don’t be angry with him.’

  Brandy White amazed him so. All her life people had mistreated her, been unkind, yet there wasn’t a malicious bone in her body. She was so gracious, so loving, so sweet.

  ‘What will happen?’ Her voice had suddenly gone very quiet, almost inaudible. ‘What will happen to me in the gas chamber?’

  Aiden didn’t want to answer her. What happened to criminals in the gas chamber was horrific. He detested it. Capital punishment, whilst morally questionable, had its benefits, but the chamber was just inhumane, it was how you would exterminate a rat, not a human life. He had seen people taken to the electric chair, killed by lethal injection,and the gas chamber numerous times. It was always horrific and unpleasant to watch somebody die no matter what they had done to deserve it. The chamber, however, was truly the cruellest way to go. In many states it was no longer used, sadly that was not the case here. The last time he had witnessed it in use was when he had sent down a convicted paedophile who had ritualistically drugged, raped and killed a dozen six-year-old little girls over the course of a decade. But as Aiden watched the man slump grimace and contort as the deadly fumes invaded his body, he felt pity for him. That man was a monster, a vile creature who knew no shame, no love, nothing. Yet he didn’t deserve to die like that, with people watching, cheering. It was awful. And now, knowing that Brandy was about to receive that same fate, he felt sick.

  ‘It will be over so quickly you won’t feel a thing.’ He was lying. It was all a spectacle for the disturbed audience watching. The loved ones of the victim who wanted to see the condemned suffer. The paedophile had coughed up litres of blood before shaking violently, and then ceasing to move. Brandy already had terror in her eyes; he didn’t want to make that worse. He couldn’t bear to upset her any more. He already felt that he had failed her; now, if he were to make her cry, it would be more than he could handle.

  ‘I know that God will welcome me into his kingdom, he will understand why I did what I did.’ Brandy was trying to convince herself as much as she was Aiden.

  ‘You are so brave, you are by far the bravest person I have ever known.’

  ‘You’ve got to keep fighting for people, Mr. Connelly. You are a good man and I know that you are going to help so many people.’

  ‘Yes, but I wanted to help you.’ He was on the verge of crying.

  ‘You did help me, Mr. Connelly.’

  ‘Please, Brandy, call me Aiden.’

  ‘OK, Aiden. You did help me, more than you realise. You showed me that the world isn’t completely full of hate, that some people can care.’ She gazed at him with adoring eyes.

  ‘You are truly an angel.’ She blushed at this.

  ‘Well, Aiden, God knows that even angels fall. I just wish I had been given my chance to shine, to show the world what I can be. My Ma, she said to me once, “Baby girl, this world won’t give you all that you desire because we come from a humble place, but that don’t mean that you ain’t a star. Because not all stars sparkle, just because you can’t see them, because they are too far away, that don’t mean that they ain’t there.” I think that was her way of telling me that she thought I was a star.’

  ‘You are a star.’

  ‘I wish she was here today. Just because everyone in that room is there because they hate me. If my Ma were there, at least there would be one person who loved me.’

  A solitary tear danced down her soft cheek.

  Aiden felt emotion welling up inside him, overwhelming him, desperate to break free. His entire being throbbed with pained regret, but beneath it there was something more. He cared for Brandy, he acknowledged that, but as he looked at her, so serene and so perfect in the face of imminent death, he realised that he more than cared for her, that he loved her.

  Aiden rose to his feet and went round to embrace Brandy. She felt so small in his arms, so fragile. He wanted to hold her there forever, to protect her, to save her.

  ‘How am I going to live without you?’ he said into her hair. He inhaled her intoxicating smell of vanilla, oranges and peach. She smelt like heaven. His senses were on fire, trying to take in every last detail and burn it forever into his memory.

  Brandy pulled back from the embrace and gazed up at him.

  ‘Thank you for believing in me.’

  Aiden leant down and placed his lips on hers. It was electrifying. She kissed him back and he had never felt more alive. His heart was racing.

  A sharp knock at the door bought them both back to reality. It was time.

  Aiden watched Brandy being led away, knowing that he was only moments from losing her forever. She looked back at him mournfully but there was a resilience in her step that told him that she had accepted her tragic fate and was going to face her Maker with her head held high.

  ‘Oh, Mr. Connelly, thank God,’ came a breathless voice from behind.

  Turning, Aiden was shocked to see Father West. The priest’s face was flushed and his hair dishevelled as if he had been running. He was clearly panicked about something.

  ‘If you have come to read Brandy the last rites you are too late.’ Aiden could not conceal the disgust in his voice. ‘I don’t know how you can even have the audacity to show up.’

  He turned away from Father West, having nothing else to say, at least not here. Another time, another place, preferably when he had a good few beers in him, he would have gladly punched him square in the face, man of God or not.

  ‘Please, it is imperative that I talk with you.’

  ‘Sorry, Father, but I’m all talked out.’ Aiden began to walk off. He was already distressed enough about losing Brandy; he didn’t need any more aggravation.

  ‘Mr. Connelly, I must insist, it is urgent.’ He grabbed at the young lawyer’s sleeve, preventing him for walking away.

  ‘Urgent, is it, Father? Really? Like you even understand the meaning of the word! Get off me, I’ve somewhere to be, no thanks to you, you disgust me.’ He shrugged him off and carried on walking but the priest followed.

  ‘What I have to say to you, I’m afraid that it is a matter of life and death.’

  ‘Oh really?’ Aiden yelled dramatically. ‘Brandy is going to die because of you. You were too cowardly to testify for her and in a few minutes, she will be dead. I hope you are happy to let that sit on your conscience for the rest of your life. Maybe if you pray real hard God will forgive you, but I never will.’

  ‘I couldn’t take to the stand, I know I let you and Brandy down, that is why I’m here.’

  ‘Why couldn’t you take the stand? Were you too worried about the precious people of Avalon hating you? You were willing to sacrifice a life for your own reputation!’

  ‘That isn’t it!’

  ‘Then what the hell is it?’

  ‘I couldn’t testify because I cannot lie.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Please, there is much I need to tell you, we haven’t got much time.’

  Aiden found himself once again in the informal interview room, only this time he was sitting across from Father West instead of Brandy. The priest was clearly shaken by something, he was sweating profusely and his eyes were constantly darting around the room in a nervous manner.

  �
��Don’t waste my time; say what you need to say.’

  Patrick West took a moment to collect himself. His entire world was about to change but he had no choice.

  ‘When you went to see Brandy, after I spoke with you, I told you to tell her to tell you everything, but you didn’t, did you?’ His voice was calmer now.

  Thinking back on the times he had spoken with Brandy Aiden tried to recall what he had and had not said to her.

  ‘No, I don’t think I did. Why, what does it matter?’

  Father West looked at Aiden with a strange desperation in his eyes, like an animal being led to the slaughter.

  ‘It matters because the poor girl has been harbouring a secret, a secret which she was willing to die for.’

  ‘What secret?’

  ‘She didn’t kill Brandon White.’

  ‘Then who did?’

  ‘I did.’

  Silence settled between them as Aiden absorbed the huge bombshell which had just been dropped on him. It didn’t make sense.

  ‘Brandy told me herself that she killed him, how she did it.’

  ‘She is lying.’

  ‘Or maybe you are lying in some ill-judged attempt to clear your conscience for letting her down.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘If it’s true why didn’t you speak up sooner?’

  ‘I was afraid.’

  ‘And now?’ Aiden snapped, still struggling to believe what he was hearing.

  ‘I cannot let an innocent woman die. The truth needs to be told.’

  ‘OK then, tell me the truth.’

  Patrick West thought back to that fateful night when his plan to help Brandy White escape her abusive husband had tragically backfired.

  ‘After she came to church, pregnant and beaten up, I decided to talk to Brandon. I thought it was the best thing to do at the time. He had always been a polite enough young man, he seemed approachable. I had hoped that I could make him see sense, help steer him back onto the right path. But I was wrong. He put on an act for me, apologising over and over, even crying, said that he was going to repent his awful ways and treat Brandy like a queen. Like a fool I believed him. Not long after, she was back in hospital because of him and she had lost her baby. I knew that I was to blame. If I hadn’t interfered…’