Heart Beats

by K. L. Myers

  Austin

  It’s afternoon when I get a call I haven’t been expecting. It has been a while since Rocky needed anything from me, but tonight, he needs a fix, and I have just what he needs. He’s drunk, and I know he’s trying to do right by himself, but once a junkie, always a junkie, and though he tried to stay away, I knew it’d only be a matter of time before he’d come crawling back. For years, I took care of him while we were on the road. I don’t do drugs, never have and never will, but I keep a stash on hand for the roadies and for Rocky, and if I don’t have it on hand, I know where to find it quickly, even in another country.

  One thing about junkies is they’ll pay whatever price you want to charge them, and Rocky is my golden ticket to early retirement. Over the years, I’ve supplied him with whatever he wanted. At first, it was weed or cocaine, but as the band became more popular, heroin became his drug of choice. So, when he calls, I’m ready, and he is willing to pay a premium. Some may think I’m an enabler, a real a son of a bitch for taking advantage of a desperate man, but I don’t care what people think. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m getting my piece of the bone. When I arrive at Rocky’s suite, he is clearly wasted. Empty bottles of beer and alcohol are scattered everywhere. The right thing to do would be to walk away, but when have I ever done the right thing?

  “Two grand.” That’s the cost I tell him as I place a tiny rock, spoon, and syringe on the table. I watch as he counts out twenty bills. Nice crisp Benjamins land in my itchy palm, which is my cue to leave. The door closes quickly behind me. I’m not expecting to run into any of the other guys, but I still make a mad rush for the elevator, making myself scarce before anyone catches me.

  27

  Rocky

  I stare at the table willing myself to stay strong, but the devil on my shoulder tells me I’m unworthy of Kathy. Do it, he whispers in my ear. Don’t be a pussy. You want this, you know it. And the more he whispers, the more I know this is my way out. It doesn’t take me long to melt the rock and draw the liquid into the syringe. My hand shakes as I hold it in the air, tapping the cylinder with my middle finger, causing all the little pockets of air to rise to the top. With just a press of the plunger, the tiny bubbles evacuate through the needle.

  Just a little liquid courage, I tell myself as I swallow several more gulps from the bottle of Macallan left over from the previous night. I can do this, I reassure myself. What’s the worst thing that could happen? My life ends and all the pain I’ve been living with over the years is gone. It’s just the incentive I need to pull the band around my left bicep. With my right hand, I tap the crook of my arm, causing the veins to raise just high enough that I’m sure the needle will pierce the vein I want. The plunger drops, pressing the liquid into my arm. I watch as the last drop leaves the syringe before pulling it from my arm. The room starts to spin around me just as it starts to go dark. “Forgive me, Elle,” I whisper and fall to the floor.

  I hear voices around me. They’re angry voices that get louder and louder as I start to wake up. I’m no longer in my hotel room but in a hospital room. I blink a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the bright light, and that’s when Cayson sees that I’m awake.

  “Thank fuck, Rocky. What were you thinking? No, scratch that, you weren’t thinking once again.” Cayson flinches as Kayla slaps him. “What was that for, princess?”

  “You're an insensitive ass,” Kayla tells him as she steps closer to my bed. “You’re going to be alright, Rocky. Don’t listen to him. How do you feel?”

  I lie there and think for a moment. My brain feels like it’s moving in slow motion as I try to rein in my thoughts so that I can form a cohesive sentence, but nothing seems to fit together. I close my eyes and turn my head away from everyone. That’s when I hear Kayla tell Cayson that they should leave and give me a little bit of time to myself. When I hear the room door open and close, I turn my head back and stare at the closed door and remember exactly how I ended up here.

  When I close my eyes once more, I see myself lying on the floor of my hotel suite, halfway coherent. The door opens, and Rusty comes barging in. I guess in a way I should be thankful that he swiped the spare room card before he confronted me at the elevator.

  “Rocky, Rocky, answer me!” I’m being shaken, my body moving with every push from Rusty’s hand, but it's not enough to snap me out of the blackened haze I’ve fallen into.

  “Rocky, I’m calling an ambulance. Stay with me. God, please, stay with me.” Rusty’s voice sounds a million miles away, a faint whisper that sneaks its way into my head.

  “I need an ambulance to the PanPacific Hotel room 3503. My friend has overdosed.”

  The fear in Rusty’s voice as he answers the questions of the person on the other line resonates. When he’s finished, Rusty places another call. This one to Cayson, and once again, there is a tremble in his voice as he answers the questions. Moments later, I can hear Cayson and Kayla’s voices. Kayla is crying, and Cayson is trying to calm her down. Before I know it, I’m being lifted onto a gurney and wheeled through the lobby, then lifted into an ambulance. The sound of my hospital room door opening snaps me back to reality.

  Rusty pulls up a chair beside my bed and takes a seat just as Cayson enters the room again. This time, Kayla is nowhere to be found. I can already feel the tag team coming on. This is an intervention; I can tell by the look on both of their faces. Cayson is the first to speak up. “Rock, what the hell were you thinking? You know this is it, right? The label is going to drop us right after we finish this tour.”

  I’ve crossed the line for the last time. I knew from the last time that I was skating on thin ice, and it would have been over back then if they had had truly known why I took sixty days off the tour. “So, what happens now?”

  Cayson stands and paces back and forth at the foot of my bed. “We’re done.” Two words that tell me everything I don’t want to hear. “We’ll need a new label, but there is no way anyone will pick us up right now, not with you like this.”

  Rusty is a silent observer to this conversation. When I finally find my voice, I speak up. “I won’t go back to rehab, CJ, I won’t. I’d rather drop off the face of the earth before I let that happen again. It doesn’t work for me. Nothing works for me. I can’t sit and talk about myself while someone I don’t even know is trying to dissect everything about me. Twelve steps. I don’t believe in one step, let alone twelve. I can’t buy into it, CJ.”

  Rusty leans forward, his arms resting on his legs. “I feel like this is all my fault. I let my personal life about my sister get in the way of me doing my job properly. I knew you weren’t in a good place when I ran into you at the elevator, but instead of doing what I was hired to do, I let my rage out and ignored why I was hired in the first place.”

  As much as I would love to let Rusty take the blame for all this, I can’t. This is my fault, and I have to own it. “It’s not your fault, Rusty. It’s mine. And it has everything to do with how I feel about your sister, how I’ve treated her, and how I’m handling the pressure of the band.”

  I have both Cayson and Rusty’s attention now. “Cayson, I can’t do it. I don’t enjoy it anymore. The pressure from the label, everyone watching me all the time. It’s too much. I’m not happy anymore, and the more pressure I’m under, the more I want to escape. Sometimes I even think of ending it all.” I watch as Cayson absorbs what I’ve just told him. “You’ll never understand what goes on in my head until you walk in my shoes for a day. When we started out, man, it was just us five, and we didn’t answer to anyone. We played the music for sheer enjoyment, but somewhere we got lost along the way, and it became a job. I can’t play that way anymore. Dude, I’m so sorry that I’ve let you all down.”

  I watch as Cayson stands and walks to the window. He doesn’t say a word. He just looks out at the city below us. Now, it’s Rusty’s turn. “Rusty, I put you in a predicament that was wrong of me. I went behind your back and thought I was building a relationship with your sister and fell i
n love. You did nothing wrong. Hell, if the shoe were on the other foot and you were dissing my sister the way I did yours, I would have ended you. I mean it, six feet under, and no one would have found the body. This is all on me.”

  I know I have to explain my actions—I owe Rusty that—so I proceed to tell him exactly how much in love I am with his sister. He was right. I should have never touched another woman, but all I’ve been doing since I got on that plane is trying to find a way to get her out of my head. I was just going about it the wrong way. I need to get back to Arizona, away from all the people and away from the band. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to get my shit together. “Rusty, I want you to stay on. I know you don’t have a medical degree, but I don’t care. I need a sponsor. I’ll go to classes, but I won’t check myself into rehab again. It doesn’t work for me. Will you stay on and help me get through this? Then maybe I’ll be worthy of trying to start fresh with your sister, if you’ll let me.”

  Rusty stands and places his hand on my shoulder. I feel a slight squeeze. “Yeah, man, I’ll help you. I think you and the man there have some serious things to talk about, so I’m gonna leave, but I’ll be back later.”

  28

  Cayson

  I stand and watch the people and traffic below me move to and fro. Everyone going about their business without a care in the world. All the while, my world is crashing down around me. My best friend wants to take his life, and after years together, I’m just now hearing that he has been suffering inside, afraid to tell me, his best friend, that he wants out. I think back to all the times I put the pressure on him to stay true to the pact we all made as kids. One for all, and all for one when it came to the band. We do it together, or we all end it together. Only I wasn’t ready for it to end, and so I continued to put the pressure on him. You’re the backbone that keeps us together, Rocky. You’re the reason we are so good. How could I have not known that my words were part of the cause of his addiction and destructive behaviors?

  When I turn to face Rocky, I find him crying. “I really fucked things up for you good this time, didn’t I, CJ? The guys, they're going to hate me, aren’t they? I’m so sorry.”

  My voice is a bit sterner than I planned when I reply to him, “Stop, just stop it, Rock. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. I should have known what I was doing to you. Hell, I’m your best friend. No, you’re like my brother. We’ll get through this together, and if the rest of them don’t like it, then fuck them. I’ve got your back on this. I’m just sorry I didn’t have it sooner.”

  I watch as Rocky breathes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out. He does this a couple of times, and with each exhale, I can see that some of the tension that has been weighing on him leaves his body. “You just focus on you right now. I’m going to take Kayla back to the hotel, and I’ll be back tomorrow. Do you think you’re up to finishing out the last four cities, or should I reach out to Fallon and see if he can fill in?”

  “I can finish this tour, I promise. I won’t let you down any further, but this is it for me. I need a break after this. I need to get my head on straight.”

  I nod at Rocky, indicating I’ve heard every word he just shared and then vow to myself to hold up my end.

  On the ride back to the hotel, I tell Kayla all about what happened tonight. Every sordid detail of what Rocky did. I watch as she cringes when she hears about Rocky’s sexcapades. When I tell her that there is a good probability that the label will drop us, all color washes from her face. Her concern is evident. I’m just not sure if it is for Kathy, Rocky, or for the band and me. Hell, maybe it’s all of us. Kayla reaches for my hand that is resting on her thigh and holds it tightly in both of hers.

  “You know whatever happens, you’re going to be fine, right? You do know that.” Her eyes watch me as she waits for my response.

  I can’t give her the response she wants because honestly, I don’t know that everything is going to be fine. If, and that is a big if, we survive this without being dropped by the label, my best friend has a very long road ahead of him. When I don’t respond, Kayla squeezes my hand, drawing my attention back to her.

  “Rock God, the two of us have survived much worse than losing a record label, and we’re still fighting strong. You and the band will be just fine. Another label will come along and pick you guys up. Your music is still selling like gangbusters. Please don’t worry until there is something to truly worry about.”

  Deep down I know she is right, but I can’t help but feel there is still a storm brewing for all of us. Once we are back at the hotel, I find Sean to see how much damage has been done. We’re off to Thailand tomorrow to play two shows in Bangkok and then to Taiwan for two shows in Tai Pei before heading to Hong Kong. After a week off, we’ll head over to Soul for a few days and then finish the tour in Tokyo, where we play three shows. I’m not sure Rocky has it in him to make it through the last part of the tour, not in the frame of mind he is currently in.

  Sean confirms one of my fears. The label execs will be in Tokyo for our last performance, and then they want to meet. As much as I love doing what we do, if I’m honest, I could use a break, but the others will blame Rocky, and I fear that will push him over the edge. That alone has me in knots.

  “Do you think they’ll yank our contract when we see them?” It’s a question only Sean knows the answer to.

  “I don’t think so, CJ. You guys bring in a shitload of money for the label, and they’d be stupid to drop you when you’re are still so hot. I’m sure they’ll impose some sort of restrictions for Rocky, though. Only you know how that will go over.”

  Sean waits for my answer. “For the first time, Sean, I don’t have any clue how that will sit with Rocky. Have we been able to find out how he got hold of the shit he put in his veins?”

  Sean nods his head. “Yeah, it was Austin.”

  I sling my water bottle as hard as I can across the room. “I want his ass out of here. Cut him a check and send him on his way. Then I want his ass blackballed all around, you hear me?”

  Anger flows through me at the thought of our soundboard engineer being the one to cause this whole mess. Well, now he can peddle his poison somewhere else, or maybe I’ll have his ass tossed in an Asian prison. Either sounds good to me right about now.

  When I return to our room, Kayla is on the phone. She sees the questioning look on my face and holds up one finger as she tells whoever is on the other end of the line that she’ll talk to them in a couple of days and to take care. My curiosity doesn’t wait until she sets the phone on the table before I’m asking who she was talking to.

  “I was on the phone with Kathy, and before you go off on me, hear me out. It sounds to me like she’s the one who sent Rocky down this path, so only she is going to be able to get him on the proper one.”

  “Princess, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. She may do more harm than good. I like your friend and all, but my loyalty will be to Rocky before it is to her, and I don’t want to be in a position that causes us to have problems.” Kayla starts to speak, but I cut her off. “Don’t say anything. Just think about what I said, and let’s drop it.” I reach for her hand and guide her toward the big, comfy bed in the next room.

  29

  Rocky

  I lie awake for most of the night feeling sorry for myself. The band is over, I’ve lost any chance at the girl I am in love with, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don’t know why I think of my dad, but I do. As a kid, whenever things didn’t go as planned, Dad would take Ellie and me aside and say: “Life isn’t all roses, kids. You have to take the good with the bad and roll with the flow. If you do that, you’ll come out on the other end a stronger person. If you pull the woe-is-me card, you make yourself weak and vulnerable. You’ll become life’s doormat, and everyone will walk on you because you’ll let them and then blame them for your troubles. Don’t be the doormat, kids. Be stronger than that and own your mistakes. Stand with your head held high.”

  The da
y my parents died, I became the doormat and tried to bury the fact under drugs and booze. Not anymore. From today forward, I’m taking control of my life, and with Rusty’s help, I hope to be someone my dad would be proud of if he were alive.

  I look at the clock and know that it’s early morning back home. My phone is taunting me from the table beside my hospital bed. Owning up to my shit, I pick up the phone and type out my text to Kathy.

  ME: I wish you were here, so I could talk to you. I did something really stupid yesterday.

  I wait for her answer, but I get no reply. My gut twists inside me, but I stay strong. I’ll get through this, and then I’ll beg for her forgiveness. I’ll own my shit, confess my sins, and hope for absolution. I fall asleep thinking of all the ways I can make it up to her.

  Rusty shows up at the crack of dawn. Just like he said he would be, he’s by my side as we walk through the doors of the airport. All the chatter comes to complete halt when we make it to the group. Cayson and Kayla acknowledge my presence, but the rest of them ignore me. I think to myself, So, this is how it’s going to be. But rather than blame them for acting like dicks, I step up.

  “Hey, guys, I’m really sorry for the predicament we’re in. It’s my fault, and I swear if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find a way to make it right for all of you. Even if that means leaving.”

  Tim, of all people, is the first to open his mouth. I’m expecting the worst from him, but I’m shocked when I hear what he has to say.