by AnDerecco
The anger started to build up in me. I wanted to take his pillow and place over his face and put him out of his misery but my heart would not let me do it. The more his spoke, the more I could feel the knife turning in my heart.
DWIGHT
Grandfather …
GRANDFATHER DAVIS
This is something that I have always wanted to say. Now don’t stop me. I could not put you in my will. Your grandmother would meet me on the other side and kill me. I want you to look in that closet and get that bag out of the corner.
I did not want him to see me wipe the tears from my eyes. So as I walked to the closet I made sure that he could not see my face. When I opened the closet I reached for a bag. It was a heavy black bag that was tucked in the far corner of the closet. I grabbed the bag by the straps and took it to him.
DWIGHT
Is this what you wanted Grandfather?
GRANDFATHER DAVIS
I want you to take that bag and don’t tell anyone that I gave it to you. Never tell anyone what is in it.
DWIGHT
Grandfather, may I ask you something?
GRANDFATHER DAVIS
What?
DWIGHT
Is the reason you and Grandmother hate me so much is because your son is not my father?
He turned his head to the other side of the bed. I walked around because I wanted to look him in the eyes.
DWIGHT
Did you have my mother killed?
Grandfather coughed and turned his head again.
DWIGHT
Did you kill my mother?
GRANDFATHER DAVIS
Your mother was abducted and held for ransom. They killed her when I would not give them everything they requested.
DWIGHT
Grandfather I can’t believe that. You thought Landon wasn’t a Cove like me. You and Grandmother would have done anything to keep this family’s name clear. You had her abducted and killed.
GRANDFATHER DAVIS
I think that it is best that you take that bag and leave right now boy. Now when I come back to get Ella I will have my ear next to the dirt. I don’t want to hear you up there dancing because we are gone.
I picked the bag up from the foot of his bed. I looked at him and shock my head. I could not believe what he said by not speaking.
4
I exit the back of the house and placed the bag in my trunk. When I slammed it closed my baby brother surprised me from behind. I jumped as I turned around. We hugged each other and I gave him a kiss on the jaw.
LANDON
When did you get in?
DWIGHT
I have been here for a while. I just visited with Grandfather.
LANDON
Did Grandmother speak to you?
DWIGHT
No. No she didn’t.
LANDON
Well she is just upset that you left years ago and didn’t come back. You know that they didn’t want you to leave and move north.
DWIGHT
Landon it is deeper than that.
Landon looked at me with confusion on his face.
LANDON
You know that this family has always been secretive. I always felt that you all tried to keep a lot from me.
DWIGHT
A lot of it was best that you didn’t know.
Madison came out of the house. She was wiping her eyes. Landon and I raced over to her.
MADISON
He is gone. I guess he was waiting on you to get here Dwight.
Landon and I walked into the house. Grandmother was sitting beside Grandfather’s bed on the phone. As soon as she placed the phone on the receiver she looked over at me.
GRANDMOTHER ELLA
Dwight I want you to know that you are not in the will. So if you want to leave and go back to Seattle – you can.
LANDON
Grandmother!
DWIGHT
No Landon. Don’t say anything. Her mind is made up that she doesn’t want me here.
I walked over to my grandfather and kissed him. I kneeled down in front of Grandmother Ella. I placed my hand on her knee.
DWIGHT
Well since Grandfather is gone I guess we can let everything out. Landon, I am your half brother. Grandmother here has hated me for so long for not being a Cove by blood. After you were born your grandparents had our mother killed because they thought that she was having another outside child. They could not allow any outside children to come in and steal what they had built.
LANDON
Is this true?
Before Grandmother could answer, Madison walked in. Grandmother noticed her and requested that she remove me from the room. I could not believe how much she hated me because Bobby wasn’t my father.
Madison, Landon and I walked into the kitchen. I pulled a chair from the table and flopped down. Landon wiped away the tears that streamed down his face.
MADISON
What was said?
DWIGHT
I told Landon the truth about why your grandparents hated me so much.
MADISON
Why did you do that? It was best that he didn’t know.
LANDON
So all of this is true?
MADISON
Landon, forget everything you heard. We are all family. We are Coves. Nothing will ever change that.
DWIGHT
Maddie, do you know who my real father is?
Madison opened the refrigerator ignoring me. I got up and slammed it closed. Madison jumped when she turned to me.
MADISON
No! I don’t.
DWIGHT
But you knew that Grandfather and Grandmother did not care for me because of all of this.
LANDON
What about our mom? You two knew her. Was she killed by Grandfather?
Before anyone could answer him, the doorbell rang. Madison exited to answer the door.
Moments later I walked into the foyer to go into the living area. As soon as I stepped in, the paramedics were rolling my grandfather out on a stretcher. My heart was racing and I almost dropped my soda when I saw his body covered.
Grandmother was a few feet behind with a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. Madison was walking with the nurse that had sat with Grandfather while he was home.
I was mixed with emotions. This man that I called “Grandfather” was no longer with us. This man that I called “Grandfather” told me to my face that I was a bastard child. This man that I called “Grandfather” exiled me from his will.
LANDON
Dwight…what do we do now?
DWIGHT
Baby brother, we live.
LANDON
How are you feeling?
DWIGHT
To be honest, I don’t know.
LANDON
Are you going to stay?
DWIGHT
Yes. Out of respect I must.
Madison walked back into the house. She explained that she was going with grandmother to the funeral home to make the arrangements. I told her that I was going to get a room for the rest of my stay. Madison begged me not to do that. She said that she would talk with grandmother about me staying at the ranch.
I did not want her to waste her time. Grandmother was in a fragile state and she would not make a rational decision right now. I didn’t want to put added stress on her.
5
As I lay in my hotel room staring at the ceiling I pondered what the future would hold with Grandfather being gone. I replayed everything that he told me on his deathbed. I could but I chose not about to pass judgment on him. Grandfather was a good man for his family.
I picked up my phone to call Brian. As soon as I pressed the speed dial button – betrayal leaped into my head. My thoughts were on the kiss that I shared with Patrick. It was wrong for me to kiss him. But it felt so familiar. How could I betray my lover of two years? I felt so alone, and loneliness is the worst feeling any person can feel. Who could I call and talk to about everyt
hing that I was feeling inside? I have had this feeling so many times before. I found myself thinking, saying, and doing all kinds of things that I wouldn’t ordinarily do. I confess that being lonely has caused me to drink, smoke, and fuck more than I care to think about.
Admittedly, I no longer practice the same coping strategies that I once did; however, like Janet Jackson says; at times I get so lonely. The craziest part about the sporadic bouts of loneliness in my life is that many times I struggle with the feelings while being in a healthy relationship, in the presence of my siblings, or being surrounded by friends.
In hindsight I now understand that I get lonely not because I don’t have people present in my life - I get lonely because I do not always take the time to be present for myself. Sometimes I forget who I am.
In other words I am the only one who can examine, touch, accept, or reject any feelings of loneliness that I face.
Yes it sounds corny but self-love is an essential skill one must acquire when transitioning from young adulthood to adulthood. I didn’t learn to like and love the person I knew I was. I have found that many of my friends, especially my gay ones, are constantly complaining about how lonely they are and how tired they are of being by themselves. I have stopped asking certain people “How are you?” because I already know the broken record of how they just want somebody!
Some people literally don’t even allow themselves to be single for more than a week before they are beating the dead horse looking at those same profiles on A4A, BGC, Grindr, Jack’d or the likes hoping that they will find someone new to be with. It is so pathetic. Then once they “catch” someone that’s all they talk about- #teamTaken, my boo, I’m so in love- yadda, yadda, yadda.
I picked up my phone to call Brian.
BRIAN
Hello.
DWIGHT
How are you?
BRIAN
I am good, just fixing me something to eat.
DWIGHT
Oh okay. What did you cook?
BRIAN
Baked chicken, yellow rice, broccoli and cheese, and I baked a sour cream pound cake.
DWIGHT
Baby, you know that I love your cakes.
BRIAN
You are so crazy.
DWIGHT
I am talking about the ones that you bake. I hope you save me some.
BRIAN
Yeah sure, I know that Mr. Cove. How about I save you a slice?
DWIGHT
I want more than a slice.
BRIAN
Okay. How is your family?
DWIGHT
They are all good. I came and got a room to stay in while I am here.
BRIAN
Why don’t you stay with your family?
DWIGHT
Long story.
BRIAN
I am here to listen. You know…that is one thing that kills me with you. Your family business has always been so personal and private with you. I asked you before about certain things and you change the subject.
DWIGHT
I promise that I will tell you everything once I come to grips with it myself.
BRIAN
You know I love you right?
DWIGHT
Do you know I love you more? You are the only thing that I can really call my own. I am forever grateful to you and for you.
BRIAN
Dwight, tell me what’s wrong. I can hear it in your tone.
DWIGHT
I kissed another man today.
I didn’t know what to expect when I blurted that out. I waited on hearing him hang up. I waited on him screaming. But there was nothing.
DWIGHT
Brian, are you there?
BRIAN
Yeah, I am here. I am just trying to process what I heard you say. Who was it?
DWIGHT
When I was driving here from the airport I stopped by an old friend’s house. I met his wife and child. He walked me to the deer shed and it went from there.
BRIAN
Did you have sex with him?
DWIGHT
No. I promise you that I didn’t.
BRIAN
Okay. That’s cool. Did the kiss mean anything to you?
DWIGHT
At first it did…
BRIAN
Bye.
Suddenly I was alone again. He ended the call so quickly that I could not explain myself. I knew that I should not have told him. But I don’t want any lies in my relationship. I have got to get out of here.
6
Driving around looking for a liquor store it hit me that Waynesboro is a dry town. Damn! I don’t want to drive to MeridNoah or Laurel. Light bulb – my girl Ms. Sharon. I know that she has something.
I took a chance and drove to her house hoping that she was home. When I arrived I noticed cars parked all over the yard. I got out of my car and knocked on the door. I heard blues music coming from inside. I knew that I was in for a treat. I knocked again and opened the door.
When I entered I heard people laughing and talking. Suddenly someone called out my name. I turned and spotted Ms. Sharon.
MS. SHARON
Dwight! What a surprise to see you home? What are you doing here?
DWIGHT
My grandfather died.
MS. SHARON
I am so sorry to hear that.
DWIGHT
Thanks, but oh well.
MS. SHARON
Well come around and get you a drink.
She took me by my hand and led me to the kitchen. I took a seat at the bar.
MS.SHARON
What do you want to drink?
DWIGHT
Give me a pint of gin and orange juice.
MS. SHARON
No it is a party. I am not selling tonight. So do you still want gin and juice?
DWIGHT (laughing)
That’s what I asked for isn’t it?
MS. SHARON
Look here dammit…I will knock your ass out. Just because you been gone don’t mean that anything around here has changed.
DWIGHT
You know that I have to give you hell when I come here.
MS. SHARON
I know it. Here is your drink. Now you know you are at home – enjoy yourself.
I took a swig of my drink. WOW! It was so strong that it stopped me in my tracks. I walked around the house looking to see who all was there and speaking to various people that I hadn’t seen in years.
I finished off that drink and went for a refill. I made sure that I watched the amount of gin that was poured in my cup. I didn’t want to get drunk tonight. Then again maybe I should. Just to get some things off of my mind. But I know that when I wake in the morning the same issues will still be there.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I noticed that Madison was calling me.
I walked outside so that I could hear the conversation.
DWIGHT
Yes ma’am?
MADISON
Where are you?
DWIGHT
At a friend’s house, why?
MADISON
I was just asking. We are about to have dinner with Grandmother.
DWIGHT
Okay.
MADISON
Are you coming?
DWIGHT
No. You all go ahead.
MADISON
Dwight I am going to need you to get over your issues with Grandmother this one time.
DWIGHT
Maddie, you are not the one that she doesn’t like. She won’t notice that I am not there. Did you all make the arrangements for Grandfather?
MADISON
Yes. We are going to tell everyone at dinner.
DWIGHT
Well you can tell me now because I am not coming.
MADISON
For me would you come?
DWIGHT
No. Just tell me know.
MADISON
We are going to have the funeral tomorrow at 11:00 at St
. Mary’s.
DWIGHT
Really?! This early. I guess you all are ready to read the will.
MADISON
Don’t be an ass Dwight.
DWIGHT
That is the only reason why you all are putting him in the ground that quick. Look, I will be at funeral, but I am leaving afterward.
MADISON
Okay Dwight. I will talk to you later.
When I ended the phone call I wanted to throw my phone. But I was not going to allow the hate that my grandparents have for me dictate my life anymore.
I walked back into the house and refilled my cup. I asked Ms. Sharon for a larger cup. I wanted to enjoy this night.
7
6:45 a.m. and there was my wake-up call from the front desk. After hanging up the phone I walked over to the curtains and pulled them back. I screeched at the morning sun that blinded me. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It hit me that I promised myself never to come in at 3:00 a.m. again.
I started to brush my teeth when I heard my phone vibrating on the nightstand. I figured that it might be Madison so I decided against answering it. I wanted to get myself together before I talked to anyone.
Once again it started to vibrate. I walked over to the phone and answered it.
DWIGHT
Hello.
GRANDMOTHER ELLA
Good morning.
DWIGHT
Oh, good morning Grandmother.
GRANDMOTHER ELLA
I took it upon myself to call you and tell you that the funeral is today. I don’t know if you are coming or if you are back in Seattle.
DWIGHT
I am coming.
GRANDMOTHER ELLA
Okay, well meet us at the church. Madison, Landon and I are riding in the family car.
DWIGHT
Grandmother, can I tell you something?
GRANDMOTHER ELLA
Go ahead.
DWIGHT
I love you.
“Click” was the next sound that I heard. I placed the phone down on the bed. I paced around the room contemplating whether or not to attend the funeral. Grandfather already told me exactly what he wanted me to know.
I was lying on my bed when there was a knock on my door. I walked over and looked through the peep hole. I quickly opened it when I saw that it was my brother.