We Are US...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "No. I mean obviously he was a little intense but I kind of liked it. It made me feel like he really loves me," I admit as all these realities start making sense to me suddenly.

  "Because he really does love you. Fiercely. And intensely. And completely, Suzanne. Z loves you exactly like you say you want to be loved, but fight at every turn."

  "I don't fight it," I defend.

  "Yes, you do. At every single turn you fight Z's love. And you better start thinking about your actions and words with him now, Suzanne, because he won't stay patient forever. Z has never had to work for anything in his life. He had the money, and the creativity, and the knowledge to succeed. He had the looks, and the women," he continues even as I glare at him.

  "He has had everything, not necessarily handed to him, but certainly in a way that was easy for him to succeed. But you are always hard, and not easy, and to top it off you say things like he's not enough, and you make him feel guilt he shouldn't feel because you think you're unattractive. You even punish him because other women flirt with him, which he has never reciprocated, I promise you."

  "I don't mean to-"

  "Make him feel like shit?" Mack asks a little angrily as I nod. "Then stop doing it. He has never, and will never cheat on you, but you still wait for it. You don't trust him at all though he is the most loyal friend, husband, and lover you could ever ask for. You constantly put yourself down to him, so he feels almost bad for being attractive, even though he finds you stunning, Suzanne."

  When I scowl, Mack pushes right on. "That's the look. Right there. You can do it to me like what I said is bullshit because I don't love you like Z does. But every single time you do it to Z it's like a little slap. You're saying 1) he's lying to you which Z doesn't do, and 2) that you think he has a problem thinking you're attractive. And yet you're so insecure about everything about yourself, he tries to tell you how attractive you actually are but you get mad at him. So essentially, Suzanne, you've created a situation where Z is fucked if he does and fucked if he doesn't. And that is all you."

  Shaking my head, I need Mack to understand my perspective. "I don't mean to do that to him. It's just hard seeing what I see but hearing what he says because they aren't the same thing."

  "To you, Suzanne. But to Z they're exactly the same thing. He loved you before the scars, and he loves you after. You're the only one who doesn't love you or think you're attractive anymore," Mack finally exhales like he either needs a break from me, or maybe is simply giving me a break to absorb all he just said. Regardless, I appreciate the break while my head spins.

  Leaning across his desk, Mack eventually continues. "Suzanne, my point is this. Z loves you. He even loves the bad, shitty Suzanne. But you have hurt him repeatedly. Through all your insecurity and fear of him maybe hurting you one day, which I guarantee he would never do willingly, you have hurt him instead. Badly."

  "I didn't mean to, it's just hard."

  "No more excuses, Suzanne. Your past is your past. And your past will always creep up to hurt you. But we're talking about Z now. And there is NO excuse for you hurting him. He is amazing, Suzanne, as your friend, your protector, your lover, and your husband. He really is. And it appears everyone else sees that but you. So you have some decisions to make, and I hope you make them before it’s too late for the 2 of you."

  Sitting closer to Mack's desk, I need to know. "What are my decisions?"

  Exhaling, Mack looks at me like he thinks I'm an idiot, which I know I am right now. But I want to get this right so badly, almost like my life depends on it, which it actually does I realize.

  "You have to decide if you want to love Z back, or if you want to punish him for your past. Because until this moment, that's what you've been doing. You've been punishing the wrong man and making him insecure and unsure of himself when he shouldn't be. He has been amazing for and to you, but you've been kind of an asshole to him," Mack finally says without the humor that statement would normally cause between us.

  Slumping back in my chair, I see what he's saying with a clarity I've never experienced in my life. And he's totally right. Every single time Z said I was attractive or beautiful I gave him a dirty look or dismissed him because I couldn’t see past all my ugliness. So I did essentially call him a liar, and I did negate his feelings for me because I couldn't see past my own ugly feelings. Shit.

  "Wow," I sigh. "I've got many apologies to make," I mumble to Mack shaking his head at me.

  "You've missed the point again. As usual, Suzanne," Mack says sounding totally frustrated with me. "You don't have to apologize. Up until today, Z accepted all your Suzanne shit so he's not looking for apologies. You, however, have to change today. Because one day you may wake up and Z is just gone. You can only love someone one-sided for so long without either fading away completely which I doubt he would ever do, or growing a set and walking away, which I think he will absolutely do if you don't wake the hell up now. You have a really good man, Suzanne. So enjoy him, and live with him, and love him finally. Before it’s too late for you."

  "Okay," I whisper as my brain continues to spin.

  I don't think I can even move as I try to understand what I've never understood before. I mean I know Z loves me, but I didn't think it was like Mack said, or maybe it's more I didn't realize how little I actually gave back to Z for his love. I think that's more the reality I'm struggling with. I thought I trusted him to love me enough, but I really didn't.

  "I still wait for Z to turn on me so I don't give everything to him so he can't hurt me when he finally leaves me."

  "Has he ever left you, or said he was leaving? Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him?"

  "No…" I exhale everything. "Shit."

  "Shit is right," Mack finally grins and I think Mack and I will be okay after this.

  "I've fucked up, Mack. Again," I whisper as he nods. Not even trying to placate me, Mack agrees with my wrongs to Z. "Shit."

  Waiting out my potential brain hemorrhage from over-thinking, I keep having little epiphanies that either make me huff or giggle as I try to grasp everything I've learned on this totally fucked up, amazing day.

  And then it hits me.

  "Can I use your phone?"

  "Of course," Mack agrees standing.

  "You don't have to leave. You're always a part of this, Mack. You're always part of the Suzanne and Z love story," I smile as he does.

  Reaching over the desk, I dial Z's cell and wait out only 1 ring.

  Gasping like he's running or something Z speaks before I can. "Did she freak the fuck out after I left? Is she okay?"

  Grinning, I answer quickly. "Yes, she did. But she's okay."

  "Oh. Ah, hi," he seems to stop breathing.

  "I wanted you to know I love you. And I can't wait to go home with you. And I can't wait to go home. I would ask you to come get me tonight but I haven't had a proper razor in 2 months, and that's just hairy and gross. So I'm going to go to sleep tonight with thoughts of you, and I'm going to wake up to thoughts of you. Then I hope I see you at 9:00 sharp so we can go home together. Is that okay?"

  "God, yes," he whispers as I smile at Mack.

  "I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. I was such an asshole," I grin as he laughs. "But I'm going to try my hardest to never be an asshole to you again. I'm going to try very hard Z so you finally understand that to me you have always been everything in every moment between us."

  "Suzanne, you're killing me here. I'm like a total pansy trying not to cry on a goddamn busy street in Manhattan at rush hour," he says so seriously I just catch myself before I laugh.

  "You can be a total pansy with me tomorrow, okay? And I'll hold you for a change. Sound good?"

  "Yes," he exhales which kind of hurts my heart. Almost like he's been waiting for me to say that to him for years.

  "I'm going to go. I'll see you in the morning."

  "Okay."

  "I love you," I grin when he moans again- his sexy Z moan.

  Hanging up I slu
mp back in my chair and just stare at the window for a minute in silence.

  "Um, you're so awesome, Mack," I whisper still staring at the window.

  "I know," he agrees just like I knew he would as I grin.

  "I should go. I have to pack up my room, and I feel like knitting," I giggle.

  "And you have lots to think about."

  "Yes."

  "Suzanne? I just want to say one more thing before you leave, okay?"

  "Sure," I finally turn to look at my Mack.

  "It's not always going to feel this good. And the depression will probably come back, and life won't always feel this hopeful."

  "I know. But I wrote stuff down this time, like triggers and feelings and things that started getting messed up in my head before I realized what was happening. And I'm going to show Z the list this time so he knows when I'm losing it. I want him to know when I'm feeling messed up and confused so he doesn't get hurt like he was this time."

  "That's an excellent idea. I'm surprised I didn't think of it myself," Mack says with a grin I return.

  "I'll let you read it, too. Okay?"

  "Please. I'd love to understand your mind a little better," he says and I can't tell if he's joking or not until he continues. "Honestly. I'd love to see what you see. And I need to understand how you feel so I can help you fight your demons quicker, Suzanne."

  "I'm going to go. Um, for the five thousandth time, thank you Mack. For everything, always."

  "You're welcome," he smiles before rising for our customary good bye hug.

  "I feel so weird Mack," I whisper against his chest.

  "Good weird, or bad weird?"

  "Really good weird."

  "That's really good, Suzanne," he says squeezing me a little tighter.

  "Ugh… I have lots to think about, and a scarf to butcher," I grin as he laughs.

  "Have a great evening, and I'll see you in the morning with all the paperwork at 8:30." Opening the door, I nod one last time to my Mack.

  Walking back to my room with my knitting bag, I feel so giddy, I can't stop smiling at walls and giggling at nothing. I'm pretty sure once the monitors pick up my mood Mack'll have to explain I'm just happy and not suffering another mental snap of sorts to the monitoring doctors, which is too funny to not laugh at as I skip for my room.

  CHAPTER 21

  SUZANNE

  Gathering all my stuff, Mack knocks and enters my room when I yell come in. After the worst night’s sleep ever, I'm ready to just get today over with. I don't know how I'm going home, well, I know Z's picking me up, but I don't know how that's going to work.

  "Good morning, Suzanne. How are you?" Mack smiles as he enters.

  Lifting my luggage on the bed, I state the obvious. "Good morning to you, and I'm scared shitless."

  "Are you?" He smirks knowing I am. "Shall we sign all the forms to get them out of the way before we talk?"

  "Yes, please," I nod walking to the little table and chairs near the window.

  Mindlessly, I sign everywhere Mack points as he flips through pages. Without hearing a word he's saying, I sign after explanations and moments of pause. Thinking of nothing specific, but more a jumble of multiple thoughts, I sign until Mack finally squeezes my hand and then we're done.

  "Breathe, Suzanne," he suddenly says and I gasp a quick breath when I'm told to. "What's the biggest feeling taking you over right now?"

  "Um, nervous, I think. I don't know," I shake my head to clear it.

  "That's normal. And I guarantee Z is nervous as well. So calmly be nervous together, okay?"

  "Okay," I exhale and walk back to my bed to grab my one luggage of clothes, my knitting bag, and my purse.

  Turning to Mack, I need to know one very little, basic, strangely obvious thing that I really can't figure out on my own. "Ah, Mack? Um, what do we do? Like how do we leave here?"

  "Hand in hand," he says so simply everything suddenly clears for me on a whoosh of breath.

  "I can do that," I smile.

  Joining Z in the hallway outside Mack's office, just the sight of him makes me smile and blush again. Like I always have, and probably always will, Z always brings out my smiles and blushes.

  "Good morning, Suzanne," he says honestly sounding as nervous as I feel which eases me immediately.

  "Good morning, Z. Do you need to talk to Mack at all before we leave?"

  "No," he shakes his head. "I signed the papers an hour ago, and I've just been waiting for you to finish up," he seems almost embarrassed that he was here so early for me.

  Looking at Z waiting for me to get my shit together, I say everything I can to start this life over again with Z. "Okay. Then let's go home."

  And before he can question if I'm really ready, or mentally well, or a list of a thousand other questions he probably wants to ask because he's always like that with me, I take his hand and turn for the hallway we leave the ward from.

  "I'll call you tomorrow, Mack," I smile not looking at him as I tug Z's hand down the hall before he takes my luggage from me and silently wheels it beside us as we leave for our home.

  At the truck, I just jump in. I don't wait for Z to open my door, and I don't wait for him to speak. I need no questions about my emotional well-being, and I don't want to explain anything right now. I just want to go home. With Z.

  "Please take me home," I whisper when he sits in the truck beside me.

  "Okay."

  During the drive, I notice the silence is heavy but somewhat comfortable. I think we're both reeling, and I know there's no music intentionally. Z didn't turn it on, and I wouldn't dare. I mean why tempt fate at this point? Plus, about the only type of music that doesn't cause a trigger of some sort for me is rap, and I just don't think Z's the type to blast rap in his black SUV while driving through Manhattan, I almost giggle.

  Honestly, sometimes, I'm so deranged it’s really pretty funny to me.

  When we're nearing our home I know if I don't say something soon to Z, or tell him what I feel I'll start to cry from the pressure, which I know will give him the wrong idea about my silence and tears. I know the way he thinks, but he isn't always right about the way I think. So I need to give him something before he assumes the worst.

  "I've missed you very much, Z," I finally whisper within our silence. Turning to look at his beautiful profile, there is so, so much more I want to say. There are thousands of words and endless feelings, and a multitude of emotions I need him to hear and understand. There are even endless apologies I need to make, but I don't know where to start and I don't know what to say anymore.

  "Don't look at me, okay? Just keep driving so this is easier," I laugh as he smiles at me quickly then turns away with a nod.

  "Um, you are everything to me, Z. And I know I say that, and I know it doesn't really tell you anything, but it really is the truth for me. You are the best husband, and friend, and even lover," I smile when I see his quick grin, "I have ever had or known. You are just everything. And I wish there was something better than that, or better words than those, but I don't really have them. I just kind of feel it inside me," I whisper again unconsciously raising my hand to my chest.

  "I feel you always inside me because I love you so much. And I know it's a good love, I do know that even if I don't always act like I know it. But I do know you are healthy and good for me, and just everything I could ever want or need, even though I said you weren't enough when I was struggling. But I didn't mean that at the time. I’ve never meant that. I just didn't know how to express how deep my sadness was, and how heavy my depression was without making it somehow about you, which it wasn't. I know that," I exhale hard fighting the tears that want to burst from my chest when I think of how much I've hurt Z.

  "Actually, I think I’ve always known you were enough, it was just everything else I couldn't understand at the time. I'm not done, okay? Just give me a minute," I ask trying to gather my thoughts as Z nods once beside me but doesn't look at me or acknowledge my pause and deep breathing. Dr
iving us minutes from home, Z does as I ask like I know he always will for me.

  "God, you’re like the best man in the world, Z. You deserve a medal, and awards, and I don't know, some kind of party or something for your awesomeness," I giggle at my stupid as he grins again. "Can I tell you something?" I barely whisper.

  Turning his head to me quickly, but looking back at the road just as quickly he breathes a nearly silent, 'please...' and I finally tear up.

  "I honestly don't feel like I deserve you."

  "Suzanne-" he interrupts, but I cut him off.

  "Just listen," I try again and he silences with another nod. "I don't feel like I deserve you because I think I'm shit," I say as he flinches and looks at me anyway before turning back to the busy roads and traffic around us.

  "I do. That's just the way I feel about myself all the time. It's how I've always felt. When I was just a kid, as a teenager, when I was married to Marcus, and sadly even when I was with you. I wish I didn't and I wish I could stop the feeling of being shit from choking me, but it's always there, Z. No matter what you, or Mack, or the Kaylas say, I don't feel anything but shit about myself which feels really shitty," I finally laugh at my pathetic explanation. "Wait," I quickly add while still laughing a little so he doesn't interrupt me yet. For Christ's sake, Suzanne, get to the friggin' point I giggle again sounding a little mental. Ugh...

  "Okay. I think we both just thought everything would magically get better. Or like because we loved each other my past would go away and not hurt me anymore. I know I thought that, and I'm sure you did too because you're used to fixing people and things and just everything around you. But that didn't happen. My past didn't just go away with your love. So the more I struggled, the harder it was for you to accept I was struggling. And I felt like I shouldn't struggle because you should've been enough to make me all better. But that isn't reality, or even logical. I know that now, and I think you do as well," I ask almost as a question until he nods slightly.