We Are US...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "I'm pregnant," I exhale with a grin as Matthew's hands move awkwardly around my face.

  "What?" They both yell like I knew they would.

  Grinning at my Kaylas, I nod again as they stare. Standing with Matthew, I pull my black empire waist shirt tightly against my stomach so they can finally see the little bump I've been hiding.

  "I'm about 4 1/2 months now, and the due date is around December 6th, though we're best guessing based on my measurements."

  "How?" Kayla squeaks. "I mean, I thought you were protected and didn't want…" she kind of leaves hanging in the air around us.

  "I was then I wasn't. And I want," I exhale as New York Kayla smiles warmly at me. "I didn't say anything because I didn't want to take away from your own pregnancy. And also because Z's so freaked out something bad is going to happen he isn't even really enjoying it yet. But now that I'm in the second trimester, I hope he'll start to relax a little."

  Thinking about Z I realize he's really disappointed me with this baby. I remember how tenderly he looked at Kayla when she announced she was expecting in our kitchen, and I remember how much he fought me for Thomas. I remember thinking he was going to be so happy and loving and just so sweet about us having a baby, but he hasn't been. He's been almost distant about it.

  Crying softly, I only realize I'm crying when I see a tear drip on Matthew's little onesie. Shit. Looking up at my best friends I know they're going to misread my upset if I don't explain quickly.

  "I want this. This was my choice and my decision, and I really want this baby. I'm not sad or freaked or panicking about being a mother at all anymore. I want to be a mom, and seeing this little thing," I smile down at Matthew, "makes me feel good about being a mom finally. I, ah, don't really think I'll be shit at it anymore, because I don't really feel like I’m shit anymore."

  "Then what wrong, Suzanne? Why are you crying?" Kayla leans into my side as I pass over Matthew to Chicago Kayla.

  "It's Z," I admit finally bursting into tears. Crying my eyes out, I can't hold it in anymore. I'm disappointed and sad, and just so angry with Z for this.

  "What did he do?" Kayla whispers.

  Gasping, I say everything in one word, "Nothing."

  "Like?"

  "Like actually nothing. He was so happy the first 5 minutes I told him, and then that's it. He won't have sex with me or touch me unless he thinks I need to get off. He won't talk about the nursery, he won't look at the baby clothes or the stuffed animals I’ve bought. He has done nothing, but he won't do anything either."

  "He's just scared, Suzanne," Chicago Kayla adds not so helpfully, and I snap.

  "I know he's scared. Like I'm not?! Every goddamn day I'm scared this baby is going to die, or be born sick, or just… die. I'm afraid I'll lose my shit soon because I haven't at all about this pregnancy which is weird. And I'm scared post-partum depression will make me a mess, or crazy again. I don't know, but everything has been almost too good. I don't get sick, I'm not half as big as I was the last time, and I even like the feeling of being pregnant. But I'm scared too. And I'm freaking out that I actually will be a shit mom."

  "Suzanne-"

  "No! Just listen," I cry as they both silence. "I'm scared I will be shit and maybe I'm just fooling myself right now into thinking I won't be. But not really, because Matthew helped actually. I love him and I like holding him, and when you were still too sore to do much in the beginning and I came over every day to help, I loved it. Matthew is special to me, and he's not even mine. So I hope I'll be good with a baby that is mine."

  "You will be, Suzanne," Kayla says turning right into my face to slow down my upset.

  “I hope so. But I don't want to do this alone. I couldn't even tell you two and I was dying to tell you, but Z is just so distant with me. No, not with me,” I shake my head. “No, he still loves me and snuggles up and talks to me like he always did, but with this," I say pointing to my stomach, "with this he doesn't seem to care. But I know he does. How couldn't he, right? I mean look at the way he feels about our Thomas. So of course he cares about this one. I know he does. But I'm just so scared and kind of lonely with this and I'm mad at him I think for not looking at me the way he looked at you when you were pregnant, or for not loving me the way he used to when we made this baby happen. Um, this wasn't supposed to be a bad thing between us, it was supposed to be the best thing between us. And I'm sad..." I eventually fade out.

  Pulling in a big breath, I look to make sure Matthew wasn't upset by my yelling but he seems to be sleeping soundly in Kayla's arms.

  "Look, hormones make women-"

  "Oh, piss off, Kayla. This isn't hormones," I snap shutting her up instantly. "I've had no sickness, a few dizzy spells, and nausea once or twice. This isn't hormones, this is about me having a baby with a husband I love more than anything else in the world, alone. I barely talk about the pregnancy unless it’s about appointments which we have many of. And I don't tell him the funny or even gross stuff about pregnancy because he just nods and acts like I'm boring him or something."

  "So explain this to him. Tell him how you feel," she pushes as other Kayla nods quietly.

  "I can't," I moan. "If he is just scared this baby will die then I can't fault him for not wanting to get attached to it. And if it is something more, like maybe I made a mistake and he wasn't ready or didn't even want another baby with me yet, then I don't want to know that either."

  "But maybe if you talk to him he’ll understand what he’s doing."

  Shaking my head I cry where I'm at. "I'm scared I made a mistake and finally trapped Z like I always feared I did. Maybe he was only excited about Thomas because it was an accident, but this baby was on purpose and maybe he doesn't want it or even want me anymore," I whisper as the pain hits me hard.

  Lying my face on Kayla’s cold glass table, I try to rationally handle all the fear and upset I've been holding onto alone for months now. "What if he thinks I'll be a shit mom and didn't want to tell me, and now it's too late?"

  "He doesn't think that, Suzanne. I know Z, and I know he doesn't. He may be an idiot right now out of fear, but he loves you very much. I also know he wants a baby with you and there is NO way anything has changed about that. It didn't change, Suzanne. He's just being a fucking idiot," she grins as I huff a little laugh against her table. "But you need to tell him everything you just said to us. You have to. Write it in the book you share if you can't actually say it to him. But he has to know," Kayla leans in to kiss my cheek before I start crying all over again.

  Shit. What a mess. I never cry like this anymore, or I do so infrequently I kinda thought I had cried my fill for a lifetime and there weren't any more tears left inside me.

  "What else? Ask me or tell me," Kayla adds as I sit up slowly from her nice, cold table.

  "Um, I'm super horny," I giggle embarrassed as other Kayla bursts out laughing almost waking Matthew. "Is that normal?"

  Grinning Kayla admits, "It wasn't for me. But I was so sick in the beginning I couldn't stand the thought of sex, then when the hornies hit when I was around 6 months I was so fat and swollen and just so gross, Mack and I only tried a few times," she bursts out laughing as I grin at her. "We must've looked so funny trying all these angles while lifting legs and moving strangely, until I finally just told him to forget it," she shakes her head as I blush at the visuals. "We were like virgins trying to be porn stars, and it didn’t work. Then I was over it until the next day when we did the same thing and I called it quits again."

  "Poor Mack," Kayla whispers as I laugh.

  "Yup, blue balls for sure," she howls with Kayla. "Honest to god, when we finally had sex just last week for the first time in months, we laughed the whole time. I wanted it and so did he, but he didn't want to go off quickly, and I wanted to prolong it for him. Eventually we both just laughed and had a quickie which was a relief- for both of us, trust me. Afterward though we made up for it, and everything seems to be back the way it was," she says with a dirty little grin.
/>   "Just jump him! That's what I do with Marty," Kayla adds as I giggle at both of them nodding.

  "Ah, Z's afraid he'll hurt the baby, or maybe like hit my uterus or something."

  "Wow," Kayla teases. "As if he's that big," she laughs but as I blush and look down she gasps. "He is, isn't he? He's got a huge dick? I knew it," she continues as I die embarrassed. "Tell me. He does, right?"

  "Ah, I can't tell you that. He's my husband, Kayla."

  "So! Tell me. Come on, Suzanne, I'm dying to know. Come on, tell me. Tell me. Tell me," she continues chanting until I give in.

  "Yes. Okay?" God, I'm like purple I'm blushing so bad.

  "You are one lucky bitch, you know that?" She laughs as I finally make eye contact with her. "Along with all his other pluses, he's got a huge dick, too?" Shaking her head like she can’t believe my luck, I can’t believe it either most days.

  "What about Marty?" Kayla asks taking the heat off me thankfully.

  "Marty? His is about average, but he's really good with it, so I have no complaints," she moans making me blush again. "Mack?"

  Quickly covering my ears, I hear them both start laughing again, but I don't care. I cannot think of Mack's penis. Like ever. As far as I'm able to handle he doesn't even have one.

  "We're done," Kayla tugs at my hand. Looking at them they're both grinning from ear to ear when I tell them they're perverts.

  "Can I lie him down?" I ask reaching for Matthew when Kayla says of course.

  Lifting him from Kayla, I walk slowly to his nursery inhaling and taking in everything Matthew. From his little weight, to his baby smell, I hold him close to my chest. He is just so beautiful to me, I never thought it was possible to love a baby so much, especially if he wasn't my own. But once again I'm wrong about something in life, I smirk to myself.

  ➰➰➰➰➰

  Returning home, I throw on my comfies and start writing to Z. Without holding back I tell him everything I said to my friends today, and I even add more personal stuff I couldn’t say. I explain how lonely I feel, and I explain how I'm starting to get the shitty feeling inside me because I'm not sure if he wants me anymore. I explain my sadness, confusion, and even my own fears about this baby maybe dying.

  And finally, I explain that if this was a mistake, I'll leave Z alone if that's what he wants. I don't offer to make our baby go away, because I couldn't possibly. But I do offer to leave Z alone if he wants nothing to do with this decision I selfishly made without him.

  And after I write everything down I'm left with two issues that scream the loudest in my head.

  If I lose this baby I don't want to regret never experiencing the happiness of carrying it or of making it with Z. And if I don't lose this baby I don't want to regret not enjoying my pregnancy or the experience of being pregnant with Z. But I know now if he can't get on board, I will absolutely make myself enjoy this experience no matter how it turns out for me and Z.

  Placing our nightly notebook on the living room table, I know he'll spot the book immediately when he comes home. I also know I don't want to be around him when he reads the page and a half of random, sad thoughts I left for him. And not just because I may feel embarrassed, but because I want him to have his own moment when he realizes where I'm at, and what I want from him with this baby.

  Walking to our room, I'm absolutely exhausted again. I know my own little bastard makes me tired, but I think the sadness weighing me down mixed with the tears I shed at Kayla's has me struggling. So without fighting it anymore, I climb in for a little rest knowing I have at least 3 hours until Z comes home.

  ➰➰➰➰➰

  I know I'm in a dream. I am in a dream and I know it. It's the kind of dream where you want to get out and you know you will eventually, but it's just too real and too heavy to pull yourself out of quickly.

  Watching the little girl scream in agony as the man touches her, I smash my hands against the glass screaming with her. Screaming and smashing the glass wall, I can't get in and I can't break through. I'm trapped in glass watching a little dark haired girl bend her back in a painful arch as the movement behind her begins.

  To watch and not be able to stop him is torture. To bleed all over the glass as my knuckles try to break through is a nightmare. Watching her mouth open in agonized screams, I can't look away from her horror.

  "Look at me, baby!" I scream for her, but she never looks at me or sees me trying to help her. She doesn't know I'm here, and she doesn't know I'm trying to stop her pain. She doesn't know anything but her agony as he pulls her hair, and bruises her hip with his huge man hands all over her little body. She doesn't know I'm here trying so hard to get to her.

  “Stop! Don't fucking touch her!” I scream to silence in my glass prison.

  But he isn't stopping, and she’s growing weak. I can see and feel her weakness as her arms start to shake and her head hangs low. She isn't even screaming anymore.

  "No! Fight him! I'm going to save you this time!" I scream and scratch and kick at the glass preventing me from saving her.

  And then it happens.

  A tiny crack. A little splinter in the glass and I have my in. Slamming my fists, punching with the side of my hands, thrashing and kicking, I watch the tiny splinter spider web into a hole I can scratch my fingers through. Ripping and tugging at the glass the hole widens as the noises grow louder around me.

  Oh, god... I hear him. Grunting into her little body, he continues. Banging into her little body he thrusts his evil into her broken little soul.

  He's a fucking monster. And I'm going to kill him.

  Breaking my way through, I feel the glass tear my clothes and rip my shoulders as I force myself through. Landing on my bleeding hands, my legs tear apart from the glass ripping down my thighs. Fighting, I finally make it through as she whimpers one last time.

  Landing on her cheek, her body is held up only by his hands on her hips as I struggle to get to her.

  "Mommy?" She whispers opening her eyes and my whole world ends when I see her.

  I have never known horror like this in my life.

  Her dark hair surrounds her pale face, and her ice blue eyes no longer cry. She is a ghost of a little girl dead on the floor. She is my daughter, dead in the agony and filth he created.

  And I'm going to fucking kill him.

  Diving for his face I know no power greater than this. This is a mother and this is his death. He hurt her and I will not stop until he knows the pain of his death by my hands.

  I will never stop. Until he does.

  Sounds I didn't know I could make screech around the room masked only by the sound of his cries as I tear his flesh from his face and neck. Biting and ripping, and tearing him into chunks, his blood is all I know. His blood is the taste of the hatred I feel.

  Quickly he’s dying, and I look forward to watching him beg for his death.

  "You are dead," I laugh as he fights against my raking nails and my vicious jaws. "You took my life!" I scream as I watch his fight slowly fade before me. He is losing, and I'm gaining the strength of the vicious.

  "Suzanne! Suzanne! Wake up!"

  No! I can't lose this fight and I can't let him live. I won't lose this time.

  "Suzanne! Holy fuck! Wake up, baby! Wake. The. Fuck. UP!" He screams as everyone starts to fade around me.

  Sitting away from the mess left of him, I stare at her blue eyes, opened but unseeing. She is gone, and I didn't save her in time. I wasn't saved in life, and I didn't save her in death.

  "NO!" I thrash against the hands pulling me away from his death. "No! I have to finish him so she'll live!" I scream as she starts to fade into the floor.

  Gasping, I cover my mouth and watch as her little body becomes more and more transparent as the seconds pass. Watching her hair fade out to clear, and her skin melt into the floor I reach for the nothing left of her soul.

  "I'm so sorry, baby, but I tried. I tried so hard to protect you this time," I weep when she fades to nothing. Reaching for her I fe
el nothing but only her agonized tears glistening on the floor where she once cried for me.

  But she's gone.

  Before I even held her or knew her, she's been taken from me. She is a memory. She had dark skin and hair, with my see-through blue eyes. She was a beautiful girl who is now a faded death.

  And I have to go with her.

  "Suzanne...?"

  "She's dead," I choke as the pain slices my heart from my chest. "I didn't save her. I couldn’t save her even though I tried. But it was just too hard to get through the glass," I gasp again as the breath leaves my lungs for the very last time.

  Crying, I can’t fight the agony of my loss.

  "I want to be with her now. It's my time..." I breathe my last words before the darkness takes me away.

  CHAPTER 29

  "Suzanne...?" I hear him and I know I'm alive. Unlike all those other times I woke and wasn't sure, this time I know. Just the pain in my chest alone tells me I'm still alive.

  Opening my eyes quickly to Z I look at his dark eyes and have to know. "Did you get her body? Did you bring her home to me?"

  "Who, baby? Whose body?" He actually cries and I hate him for not bringing her to me.

  Angrily, I push his chest and turn away from him as my hatred grows. Replaced only with the sadness of her death, I hate Z as much as I mourn her.

  "Who Suzanne? Oh god... talk to me," he begs shaking my shoulder.

  Willing myself to breathe, I hold my chest tight to ease the ache. "My daughter."

  Flinching, I’m stunned silent by the agony all around me. Saying the word again, I can't stand the power it has over me. "My daughter!” I scream. Gasping awake my living nightmare I can’t stand my heartache.

  “I had a daughter. And she was beautiful, but now she's dead," I cry as the agony takes my breath away again.