We Are US...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Snuggling in even closer, I wiggle against him again until he growls. "Do you really want to be this fat forever?"

  "What?" I gasp shoving his chest as he laughs.

  "Just kidding. You still look amazing. But I really want to get this little bugger out of you today because today feels like a good day to have a baby. And I really want to hold my baby today. So, ah, get your ass out of bed before I pull you out of the covers and into the shower clothed. Understood?"

  You're mean..." I whine pulling the covers over my head one last time before he actually does rip all the covers off me right onto the floor.

  "Let’s go have a baby!" Z laughs as I kick at him playfully.

  "You're ugly," I say fiercely making us both burst out laughing. Yeah, right... Z's ugly my fat ass, I laugh again finally sitting up with Z 's help.

  "And you are stunning, Suzanne."

  Turning to look at his beautiful eyes, I whisper, "And you are still good, Mr. Zinfandel."

  "I know." Jumping off our bed Z's so excited he's practically bouncing around our bedroom. "I've already showered and only slept for about 5 minutes so I'm just waiting for you. The traffic looks good, and the snowplows have already been out. So it should be smooth sailing to the hospital if you ever get out of bed," he huffs anxiously.

  "Okay..."

  Driving in Z's Escalade, I keep looking at the car seat already strapped in behind us, and it just looks so weird. Good weird, but weird. We've been just the two of us for so long now, I can't believe soon it's going to be not us anymore.

  After my mid-pregnancy freak out, and Z’s sad confessions we both changed drastically. Together we embraced this pregnancy, and each other for the last half of it. We shopped and laughed and bought everything we could find to give this baby the life we hope will make it as happy as we are.

  We made love often and we prepared for this little bugger together. Really, we just became a couple madly in love, desperate for this little baby to be born healthy for us to love. And it’s been amazing.

  "Promise you'll still love me and want me even when I look like shit, wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row and only shower 3 times a week?"

  "Yup," he says again smiling at my stupid.

  "Because from what everyone tells me, I'm going to look like shit for a while and I'll even have to schedule bathroom breaks. Kayla told me she actually called Mack at the hospital once crying to beg him to come home so she could pee and shower because she couldn't get away from Matthew for even 10 minutes."

  "And did Mack go home?"

  "Of course."

  "And would I come home?"

  "Of course..." I smile knowing he would in a heartbeat. "Okay, I feel better."

  "Good. Are you just rambling because you're nervous?"

  "Yup," I answer as he takes my hand to squeeze it.

  Walking into Mercy for my scheduled C-Section, Z fills out all the paperwork while I sit breathing like I'm in actual labor. Deep breathing is all I can do at the moment though to calm the hell down because in less than a half hour I'm supposed to have a friggin' baby. A baby! Shiiiiit.

  "Ready to be wheeled in? I guess they take you first and prep you then I get to come in for the fun stuff. Will you be okay in there alone?"

  "Of course I will."

  "I'll be in the minute they allow me."

  "Okay."

  Seconds later a nurse introduces herself and walks up to me with a wheelchair. I can walk I want to argue but slump in the chair anyway. Looking up at Z, he smiles and squats in front of me like he always does to calm me.

  Holding my hands he leans in for a very soft, sweet little kiss. "I'll be right there beside you, I promise."

  "I know."

  "Ya know what else? You really are fabulous, Suzanne. And you've got this."

  Smiling at the fabulous comment I exhale again. "Thank you, Z. But I’m good. And I’m so ready for this."

  "I love you," he whisper-kisses against my lips before standing.

  "How we doing?" Nurse something asks as she navigates another turn.

  "Ah, good, I guess. For someone who’s going to be cut open in a few minutes, I'm great," I huff as she laughs at me.

  "You won't feel a thing. And they don't use chainsaws anymore, so it's much less messy than it used to be."

  Turning to look at her smiling, I have to know. "Do you know Kayla Rinaldi-MacDonald?"

  "Yeah, she trained me."

  "Figures..." I groan when we push through a door to the surgical room.

  "Can you get out of the chair?"

  "Sure." Struggling to get up, nurse whatever helps me stand. Turning to hand me an ugly ass hospital gown, I cringe at the stripy blue and white.

  "Do you need any help changing?"

  "No, I'm okay."

  "Well then, I'll give you some privacy and Dr. Modair, Dr. Keaton and I will be in in a few minutes. Did you eat or drink anything after 10:00 last night?"

  "No."

  "Good. I'll be back in 5," she smiles and though I kind of like her type of smartass, I don't like her because I'm nervous and I don't want to do any of this suddenly even though I really want to meet this little bugger I’ve been cooking forever.

  Lifting my sweater I hear the door suddenly push open as I freeze in the gown just over my head to yell 'hey!' in a panic.

  "Nice boobs, Suzanne." Kayla!

  Pulling the gown down quickly over my yoga pants still, I gasp looking at Kayla standing in the doorway.

  "What are you doing here?"

  Walking to me, she hugs me. Tightly and with tons of emotion, Kayla hugs me and I'm totally calm all of a sudden.

  "Mack and I pulled out all the favors we could, and though I'm not a labor and delivery nurse, I was allowed to be here to assist."

  "Really?"

  "Yup. I'm here for you and I can't wait to see your little bugger. Surprise!" She laughs at my stunned face.

  Croaking a very heavy, "Thank you," I’m relieved.

  "I wanted to be here with you guys, and I'm sure you could use the extra support this morning."

  "I could. I met your smartass prodigy by the way, but she just wasn't the same as you. Ah, where's Matthew?"

  "With Mack," she looks at me like that was a dumb question, which I guess it was. "They'll be here in a little over an hour to meet your new baby though."

  "Oh, wow. That soon, huh?"

  "Yup, and once you're prepped everything moves very quickly. Plus you feel no pain after the spinal, just anxiety waiting for your baby. But enough talk. Finish getting changed so Dr. Modair can start, okay?"

  Changing quickly, everything does move very fast. I'm on the bed with an IV as the 2 doctors move all around the room preparing everything, while Kayla stays beside me talking about everything and nothing to distract me.

  After a painful spinal that Kayla held my hand through I'm laid back down and suddenly everything begins. Z pushes through the door quickly in scrubs and cap and booties, and even like that he looks hot, I giggle nervously when he takes my hand.

  "Really, Z? You have to look hot even in that outfit?"

  "Sorry, love," he grins a very cute lop-sided grin that's new for him. "Grasping for anything?" He smirks.

  "Totally."

  "I am so ready for this, Suzanne. I want to meet our baby so badly my heart is pounding in my chest. Feel."

  Taking my palm he leans down to kiss it sweetly before placing it on his chest, and I can actually feel his heartbeat pounding. "Okay, that makes me feel better."

  Suddenly leaning back down, Z takes my whole head in his hands and rests his forehead against mine, burying me in Z. This moment feels so intense and emotional without any words or sounds except for the room around us beeping and humming with activity I need to pull away before my nerves make me loopy.

  "Kayla's here," I nod to our left when he rises smiling instantly as she walks to us.

  "You figured out a way," he laughs.

  "Mack had to preform sexual favors on
a few doctors for me, but it worked," she attempts a Z eyebrow wiggle and I finally exhale my tension with a quick laugh at the 2 of them.

  With Z side-hugging Kayla, she takes my hand and raises it over my head as she walks to my other side without letting go. "Here we go..." she whispers.

  "Are you ready to meet this little one, Suzanne?" Dr. Modair asks over the screen covering my stomach and as I exhale deeply again I nod yes.

  "You may feel a little pressure, but no real pain. And in under 5 minutes you'll hear your baby screaming bloody murder."

  "I can’t wait."

  "Would you like a play by play?"

  "God no," I huff. "I don't like medical stuff or anything about this, so can you please just do it? I'm ready."

  "Understood. Let's begin."

  Zoning out I feel Z squeezing my hand too hard, and Kayla rubbing my other hand gently. No one speaks, and though I hear almost a weird slurping sound and the 2 doctors mumbling quietly to each other, I try to ignore it. I don't like the sounds in the room at all and slowly I'm feeling my anxiety growing to nearly unmanageable until Z looks back down at me and everything stops.

  With his dark eyes holding my own, the panic recedes. His long eyelashes, almost highlighted by the light blue cap he has to wear makes me calm. His eyes are holding me here and now, and I love him.

  "We are us," I whisper.

  "Always," he replies softly until he suddenly jolts and looks at my stomach when we're pulled from our moment by bloody curdling screams.

  Oh, god... This is it!

  "What is it!?" I cry out crazily.

  "You have a beautiful baby girl, Suzanne," Dr. Modair says as I burst out laughing.

  "Jesus Christ! A girl?" I laugh as Kayla leans down to me. "I knew it. Holy shit. A girl?" I continue yelling and laughing sounding almost crazed, but I'm not insane. I'm resigned. And I think I always knew. And of course it's a girl, because why wouldn't it be? I'm friggin' Suzanne.

  "Suzanne?" Kayla whispers as Z does something behind the screen.

  "A girl?" I laugh as she watches me closely.

  Squeezing my hand hard Kayla gets right in my face and growls, "Focus, Suzanne. You have a beautiful daughter, and nothing changes. You're going to love her more than you love my Matthew, and you're going to keep her safe always. Understood?" She glares at me angrily, which actually kind of snaps me out of my head just as Z leans to me with my friggin' daughter.

  With tears streaming down his face Z looks so overcome with emotion, I jolt back to my present again. I need to get back to Z and this moment between us.

  "Look, love. Look at her," he moan-cries making me look at her.

  Taking in the baby in his arms he's holding her so carefully, everything changes for me in a millisecond. There is nothing but this millisecond.

  Staring at the tiny baby in Z's arms, filthy and gross, I feel her so suddenly, I actually hear myself gasp.

  "Oh my god... She's beautiful," I cry touching her cheek with a shaking hand when Z leans her against my chest. Kissing my lips Z expels a hard cry in my mouth.

  Watching Z breakdown in front of me with this little baby not even crying anymore against my chest, I know nothing but this moment between the three of us.

  And that's when I understand everything I'm witnessing. I've had a baby without incident, or death. Z is sobbing his relief and happiness, and I can hear her squeak a little sound against my chest.

  This is it.

  I can finally exhale the stress of the last 9 months of my life. My daughter is alive, Z is an emotional pansy as he says, and I've carried and had our daughter safely.

  "I have a daughter," I whisper as Z rises again to lift her to my face closer. Looking as he watches me I give into my sudden reality. "I have a daughter. And she's so pretty."

  "She's beautiful, Suzanne. And so perfect, and thank you," he cries again kissing my lips.

  When the baby starts crying, I'm scared and nervous and desperate with the need to do something for her.

  "Wow. She's like, I don't know. So beautiful and loud, actually," I giggle as Z moves her closer to my mouth so I can kiss her nasty head while she screams bloody murder.

  When Kayla whispers she needs to take her for a second, Z slowly, so gently hands over our daughter to her. Kissing Z right on the lips, Kayla’s so happy she doesn't even refrain from her own Italian emotion.

  "She's just perfect, Suzanne. And you're right. What a set of lungs on this one. She's like a friggin' Rinaldi," she smiles before taking my baby to the side of the room to a different doctor.

  Huh. My baby. My daughter. That still sounds so weird in my head.

  "What are they doing?" I ask.

  "With you, or her?"

  "Both, I guess. Is she okay?"

  "Kayla's cleaning her up, and the doctor is just measuring her and weighing her I think. And you," Z looks behind the sheet, "Are getting closed up."

  "Is it gross?"

  "Very," Z nods as I laugh quickly. Leaning back down to my face Z whispers a very emotional, "Are you okay?"

  "Emotionally or physically?"

  "Both."

  "Physically, I feel discomfort, like cramps or something, but no pain. And emotionally, I'm better than I thought I'd be. I think I always knew it would be a girl so I tried to get all the freaking out out of the way when I was pregnant so I'd be better when she was born, I think."

  "And?" He asks looking over at Kayla and the doctor touching our baby.

  "I'm scared, but kind of okay. Man it totally figures I'd have a girl though. It's not like my life ever goes the way I want," I kind of giggle sadly until Z looks down at me strangely until I understand. "Oh, except with you, and our friends, and my new life." Oh. "Okay, I see. I'm sorry. My life is actually pretty awesome now. Even with a daughter," I pause for a second as the emotion finally hits me hard.

  Bursting into tears, I'm scared and happy and nervous but still mostly happy. I have a baby who is alive and I'm grateful for that. Soooo grateful, I need to remember that when the fear hits me. I also need to remember this man who loves me for whatever reason is still here watching out for me, holding my hand with him always.

  "Thank you, Z."

  "Thank you," he chokes up a little.

  "No, not for the baby. For everything..." I cry so he understands.

  "I love you, Suzanne," he says so fiercely against my lips, I exhale.

  Looking down my body the screen is removed from my stomach and the sheets are in place. Dr. Modair even takes my hand and congratulates me and Z before stepping away.

  "I have another delivery, Suzanne. But I'll be back to check in on you later."

  "Thank you for this. For, ah, keeping her alive," I choke as she grins at me.

  "I'm good, Suzanne, but not that good. This was all you, and I'm thrilled for you both," she smiles kindly before Z shakes her hand with another thank you of his own.

  Looking at the side of the room, my daughter is still screaming with Kayla, but as I watch Kayla wrapping her tightly in a pink and white blanket she settles a little.

  "Wow. A daughter," I say to no one but feel my hand squeezed tighter again by Z. "I hope she doesn't have my eyes," I admit a sad truth to no one again, but I think Z understands. "Did you see her eyes, Z? Are they like mine?"

  When Kayla turns to us with my baby she's smiling so brightly, she takes some of my fear away.

  "What color are her eyes, Kayla?"

  "Very dark blue, like most newborns, but I think they'll darken up more." Oh, thank god.

  I didn't realize how afraid I was of my eyes until the threat was suddenly gone. I couldn't possibly have looked at a little girl of my own with my eyes her whole life without thinking of her always.

  Crying my relief, my arms feel heavy but I reach up for my baby anyway as Kayla places her awkwardly on my chest.

  When Dr. Keaton starts explaining everything, my lack of leg movement, my pain, what I can expect to experience, what I'll need and when I can leave I see Z n
odding. I know Z's paying attention so I don't have to, because quite frankly I hear nothing, but I see everything. And she really is beautiful.

  "She doesn't even look like a newborn, frog ugly little thing does she Kayla?" I ask honestly stunned by how pretty my baby is.

  "Nope. She came out beautiful. Then again, have you seen her parents?" Kayla smiles as I do. "So, she's 7 pounds- 2 ounces. She's 19 1/2 inches long which is good, and she is in perfect range on the Apgar scale. All her finger and toes are accounted for, and she has only a trace amount of jaundice, which is common and nothing to worry about. In other words, she's absolutely perfect, and beautiful, and I'm so, so happy for you both, I want to bawl my eyes out," Kayla actually says as tears spill from her eyes. "But you have to try to nurse now, Suzanne, while your colostrum and nutrients are concentrated."

  "Of course." But I don't know what to do until Kayla just takes over. Pulling my gown down from my neck, naturally I flinch at the exposure but she doesn't even acknowledge me. Moving my baby to my breast, she does something weird to her cheek, lifting and moving her until she suddenly latches onto me as I gasp. Okay, different feeling that I'm used to I blush thinking of Z which seems totally wrong suddenly.

  "I'm in nurse mode, Suzanne- not Suzanne's got a great rack mode. So don't be embarrassed."

  When Z laughs beside me, I see him looking at my boob and my baby with a sweet smile making me relax as she takes from me what she needs.

  Touching my daughter's little cheek while she feeds, I'm just stunned by her. She really is beautiful, so maybe there's way more Zinfandel in her than Beaumont.

  "Do you have a name yet?"

  "Ah, I couldn't really because-"

  "Zoe?" Z interrupts before I get emotional but after a split second delay both Kayla and I start laughing at him.

  "Zoe? As in Z. Zinfandel? Pu-lease," she laughs as I do at her accent. Looking totally offended, I reach for Z's hand as he pouts.

  "What's wrong with Zoe? I like it."

  "You would," Kayla and I say together again laughing.

  "I think I have the perfect name, but I have to ask Z first before you freak out, okay? So don't listen, Kayla."