The Thief of Dunmire and the Tear of Astra (The League of Sinister Means Book 1)

by H. K. MacTavish

  “Where are you going?” he asks brusquely.

  “She is a maid and I am heading to the kitchens,” I say, a bit more bravely than my meek and innocent façade really should.

  “You go upstairs. Find Lady Marion Winters,” the guard says to my friend.

  I bet Lady Winters is some lesser noble to be put in charge of the serving staff; noble enough to be above the peasants, too low to be anything but a servant among nobles herself.

  “And you, go down this hall, take a left, and take the stairs to your left. Head on down and find your way to the kitchen. Just follow the heat,” he says.

  I like vague directions. You can get so lost trying to follow them. Who knows where you’ll end up?

  “I will. Thank you sir,” I say. Jennifer smiles at me and departs and I follow the guard’s directions.

  I wander the halls looking for the right door. I turn to the left and see the stairs going down but I see that there is another door nearby, double doors actually. I take that path.

  I walk past the double doors and find myself in a great feasting hall with banners hanging from the rafters and along the walls depicting all manner of different scenes of battle and heroism. Up on a raised platform is a long table where the royalty will sit and dine while the others, who will still be nobles and heroes, will sit at the other tables, gazing up at their betters.

  “What are you doing here?” a guard asks.

  “Looking for the kitchen. I was told…” I start to say.

  “You were told wrong,” the guard says.

  It’s not uncommon to find that people with power, can be abusive of that power.

  “I’m terribly sorry sir,” I say, as meekly as I can.

  “Head back out the door you came in in through and take the first door to your right,” the guard says in an arrogant, snotty manner.

  “I will. Thank you,” I say.

  Little bitch.

  Anyway, there looked to be another pair of double doors along one side of the great hall and a smaller door up on the raised platform off to the side behind the table. This smaller door is for the nobles, I bet, because, obviously the royals aren’t going to take the same door as everyone else. That would just be silly. And that means it is a direct route to where the royals are living. Of course the other staircase will get me there too. It’s nice to have options.

  I leave the great hall and the stairs I’m supposed to take. I head down to the subterranean level of the keep and find a lot of servants rushing around. I can hear people yelling at one another and smell all the great food that is being prepared. Is it nearly meal time for the royals?

  At least no one is yelling at me as I slowly make my way through the castle’s underbelly. Boy, is it hot down here. That’s to be expected with the ovens burning away. The downside of cooking is how hot it makes me.

  It takes a bit of food to feed everyone in a castle. And it’s not just the nobles and heroes; soldiers need to eat as do servants; everyone needs to put something into their mouths, it’s just a fact of life. Of course servants feed themselves with left overs or with whatever the kitchen can provide after the nobles have all eaten. I’ve often found that the servants don’t mind since it is better food than they usually have at home.

  There is a large man barking orders. Boy is he fat. Why are chefs always fat? You’re supposed to cook the food not eat it! I bet he eats half a loaf of bread just to taste it.

  “Hello sir,” I say to him. He turns around.

  “What are you doing here? Are you one of the bedroom servers?”

  What? You mean there is a job where I can just walk among the bedrooms of the heroes?

  “Yes. Yes I am,” I say.

  And I thought I was just going to be hot and sweaty putting things into an oven all day.

  “Well, head on up and take orders,” the man says.

  “Right away sir!” I say. I start to bounce away when…

  “Hey!” he yells.

  “Yes?” I ask.

  “Missing something?” he asks.

  Oh! Paper! And some charcoal.

  “We have fruits, cheeses, and breads, all ready. Dinner won’t be for another three hours. Royalty can have whatever they want,” the man says.

  “Right,” I say, chipper as I can. The man shakes his head and turns from me. I’m glad to be getting out of the kitchen. I mean, I do love to cook and bake and make just about everything in the kitchen. Everyone in Riverdale loved my buns! But with so many people shoving and yelling this looks a lot like work. More than I’d like to do. Fortunately I have a way out! I take the paper to the upper floors to see what I can see.

  Making Friends

  Getting to the second floor wasn’t difficult. Everyone is so busy. And it’s not like anything is going to get stolen. Or so they think. After all, there is security in place for something like that.

  Time to find out what kind of security there is.

  I’m not wandering through here without any idea of where anything is. I’ve bought, cajoled, and bribed my information from several sources. Never just go to a single source when planning or you’ll find out that that window that obviously has to be there, isn’t.

  Still, asking multiple people has its risks as well. There is no guarantee that everyone hasn’t been fed the same lines of bullshit or that they haven’t all been paid off to trap you in the act. And, of course, the risk that a woman asking so many questions about Hammerheim where the royal treasures and the Tear of Astra are going to be will lead to someone who doesn’t want them taken to overhear the plan before you get around to building said plan yourself.

  And speaking of plans, plans usually don’t work. Yeah, I’m sure you’ve read stories about that group of thieves that had everything planned down to the last detail. Notice how everything worked out just perfectly? That guard has to use the bathroom at the same time every day? The guard outside the front door happens to be asleep? The one important person happens to not only see you but follow you through a confusing series of tunnels to that one area where you have a trap laid out for him and him alone? Reality doesn’t work like that. The people playing guard on the inside got inside because of seniority and because they are better and stronger. No one is going to fall asleep guarding the Tear of Astra or the royal treasures. And I am not going to agree to any plan that revolves around a man’s bowels.

  Planning is good. Planning is great. I didn’t mean to say that you need to have everything fall to chance. My escape route is all planned, tools are hidden away, and I have worked on getting as much information as possible. It’s just that you need to be flexible. Bring tools with you. Find more once you’re inside. Make new friends, who are really just large, breathing, tools for our purposes today. Sometimes an opportunity will present itself and you need to be ready to seize that opportunity. You may have planned on scaling the wall to get in through a window when someone inside starts a fire and the guards at the door rush in to help. Without planning all those opportunities will slip through your fingers. That is why you…should…

  Who is that? She’s gorgeous. And top heavy. And gorgeous. I said that already, didn’t I? Am I staring? Of course I’m staring. I’ve never seen a more beautiful and perfect woman in my life. Oh! Is that Princess Bridget Heldfalle? Blaise’s younger sister? She’s a hero in training, I hear. Learning some healing magic to make herself useful. I may have a place she can practice her healing hands. Crap. Pay attention Mary!

  Oh no! She’s coming this way. How do I look? I look like a maid. Why would someone so beautiful ever look at someone like me? Well, because I’m pretty, obviously. But am I pretty enough for her? I think I am, but what if she doesn’t think I am? Did that make sense? Rumors are that Princess Bridget favors someone with my…dimensions. What if I’m wrong? I can’t jeopardize everything…but I have to try. What’s the harm in trying? I really, really, want to get to know her better. Think of the payoff Mary!

  There is a servant coming this way. I have some blan
kets I’m carrying. Let me just adjust them in my arm and loosen the laces of my blouse a little. There. If she doesn’t notice all of me like this, then, well, she’s an uppity hero that deserves what’s coming to her! But I hope she notices me! That servant is still coming this way and Bridget is walking behind him. Okay, time to meet Princess Bridget. Deep breath Mary.

  I walk quickly down the hall and then step a little close to the young man.

  “Oof!” I cry, throwing myself into Princess Bridget. We collide and fall to the ground together.

  “Oh my god! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” the young man says.

  “It’s all right. Oh! My lady!” I exclaim as I reach Bridget before the young man. You get back! I’m going to be her shining knight! Get back you pimply little toad!

  “Oh, it’s okay,” Bridget says.

  Some soldiers are rushing towards us.

  “Princess Bridget! Are you all right?” a guard asks. I get to my feet and bend over so I’m dangling my goods in front of her face.

  “Let me help you up, princess,” I offer.

  She hesitates. Her eyes are stuck on my dirty pillows, bouncing a little freely before her eyes. So, the stories are true. How wonderful for me! And judging by how long she’s staring she likes what she sees!

  “What? I’m fine,” Bridget says, snapping back to her surroundings.

  “You two!” a soldier calls out to me and the young man.

  “No. It’s fine. It was just an accident,” Bridget says, taking a lingering glance at me. I smile at her and give her the sexiest look I can. I know I’m cute. Now she knows it too.

  “I’m really sorry,” the young man says.

  “Be more careful. Now, come on you two, move on,” a soldier says.

  I collect my blankets and Bridget is helping me.

  “Let me help you with those,” she says, easing the blankets into my arms. Wow, this is working out better than I…wait! Did…did she just cop a feel on my breasts? She smiles at me the same way I smiled at her.

  “Thank you,” I say, giving her a lingering look.

  “Are you okay here?” a soldier asks Bridget.

  “What? Yes. Yes, I’m fine,” Bridget says.

  Of course you are.

  “All right. If you need anything further we’ll be just down the hall,” the guard says.

  “Thank you,” Bridget says.

  “It was nice to meet you,” I say.

  “Yes,” Bridget says with a smile. We take a long lingering look at one another.

  “If you need anything at all,” I say slowly. “Please, don’t hesitate to call on my services.”

  Did I just say that out loud?

  “Are you good at dusting?” Bridget asks.

  “I have quick fingers that can get into any dark places you may have.”

  Stop Mary. Just…stop! You have a job here…

  “You…really?” she asks. “I…I may have some cleaning for you to do later,” Bridget says with a smile.

  She’s into me? I mean, obviously she’s into me. Of course she’s into me. Maybe I can work my way into her sheets before stealing from her brother.

  I turn away, walking away with a slight sashay of my hips. Yeah, I don’t have to turn around to know she’s staring at my ass.

  I turn a corner and see an older matron in a rich blue velvet dress with her grey hair pulled up tight into a bun. She is a stick of a woman. This must by Lady Winters. Some maids are near her; some are dropping off supplies like sheets, buckets of soap, and other toiletries while others are being told to get other items. Lady Winters points to different rooms and the girls rush off to do her bidding.

  I approach with the blankets.

  “Ma’am.”

  “Don’t ma’am me. It’s my lady,” she says.

  “I’m sorry,” I say.

  I don’t really need to say that I’m really not, do I?

  “We don’t need more blankets,” she says. “Who told you to send more blankets to me?”

  “A woman, down that way,” I say.

  “A woman?”

  “A ma’am…my lady,” I say.

  “I bet you think you’re cute, don’t you?” she asks.

  I know I’m cute.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ll take them back…”

  “No. Better to have extras than not,” she says.

  “Where shall I put them?”

  “Down the hall is a small bedroom where we’re storing extra blankets, sheets, and the like. Place it in there,” she says.

  “Yes ma’am. I mean my lady,” I say with a slight curtsey. She just nods. I think she is impressed with the curtsey. I take the blankets and head down the hall.

  I turn into the room as another girl is heading out. Let’s see what is in this storage room they have.

  Wow! There is so much stuff in this room! Extra chairs, blankets, sheets, pillows, small stools and tables, a couple of large tables and…is that a bed in the back? What else is in here? Buckets that are mostly clean and a window that opens from the inside. I walk over to the window and put down the blankets on a pile and see that the window is locked. I reach up and unlock the window. It squeaks but it unlocks easy enough. Better leave it locked for now.

  I turn around and hear a lot of voices outside. I need to come back here. Up two floors should be where the jewels are being held if my information is any good. I should have time to make some rope out of the sheets.

  I grab a sheet and start to knot it. I am excellent with knots. My sister always struggles with them but she’s gotten better. Me? I’m a natural at this. After knotting one I tie it to another sheet and knot it as well.

  I’ve taken too long. I’ll come back and finish. There are so many sheets here I’ll have more than enough rope for my purposes. I put what I have in a bucket and put the bucket in the far corner of the room near the window.

  I leave just as another girl is coming in. She has more sheets. Time to go out and actually do work.

  “We don’t want any food,” I hear the old woman call out.

  “I’m sorry,” a young woman says. Hmm.

  I turn around to the maid that I just passed with the sheets.

  “There is so much stuff in here,” I say, loudly.

  “I wish I had half this stuff for my household,” she says.

  “Don’t be getting sticky fingers back there!” I hear Lady Winters call out. How does such a bellowing voice come from such a tiny frame? “And as for you, head elsewhere. We will eat later.”

  By we, I think she means the rest of us hired helpers. I doubt anyone who demands to be called my lady eats with the servants.

  “I’m sorry,” I hear the young woman say. She disappears down the hall as I walk down the hall with the other maid that I started a conversation with.

  “Do you ever wonder what it’s like to sleep in a bed like the nobles have here or sleep in sheets like they have?” I ask my new friend.

  “Oh, all the time,” she says.

  “Quit gabbing you two. There is a lot of work to do. Lord and Lady Grumblebar’s room needs attention.

  “We’ll handle it,” I say. My new friend nods.

  “We’ll take care of that next. Which room is it?” my friend asks.

  “Down the hall, turn right. Second door on the right,” the old woman says.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Are you forgetting something?” the old woman asks.

  “Oh! Sheets!” I say.

  I’ll take any excuse to make the rope longer. I grab my new friends arm gently. Personal touches like this can get you closer to them.

  “I’ll get the sheets and blankets and meet you there,” I say.

  “You sure?”

  “I can carry a little bedding.”

  “There are already blankets there. You just need sheets,” Lady Winters says.

  “Even better,” I say.

  My new friend Jennifer smiles and walks off while I hustle back to the storage room. I loo
k in and no one else is there. I’m not wasting any time; I knot up another sheet, tie it to the other sheets I already have, and take some clean sheets to help Jennifer.

  So far, everything is progressing nicely.

  Can’t Everything Go Nicely

  So, that room at the far end of the hall is where I’ll begin my daring theft, is it? The idea was always for me to be climbing outside the keep. I did wish that there would be another option available once we got inside. Not that I don’t like climbing. I love the exhilaration of the wind in my hair, so far above the earth that if I slip I could fall to my death. It makes my heart race.

  I pretend to look over my notes while I take a survey the second floor. That Lady Winters could be a problem. I know the type; always trying to prove themselves at the expense of those beneath them. Her comeuppance occurs daily when all of her, let’s call them peers, look down on her as that lesser noble. This is her moment to shine. And shit on those beneath her. Well, I’m not going to just lie there under her and take it! I’ll have to be careful.

  I’ve pretended to look over my notes long enough. I don’t want to get anyone’s attention. I should head upstairs. Let’s see…ah, there are the stairs.

  I make my way to the stairs guarded by not one but two large guards.

  “Hold it,” one says to me as I start to go up.

  He sounds like a dick. Ignore it Corvina. Be polite.

  “I’m just taking orders for the kitchen,” I say, showing them my sheet of paper with scribble marks made in charcoal. I’ve tried to erase all the scorn I have for this man. Did I do a good enough job?

  “Fine,” the other guard says.

  Excellent! They go back to guarding the upper floors from thieves and assassins. They must be bored. What thief or assassin would just charge up the stairs past them? I’m a thief, not a swashbuckler. Not that I can’t fight, but why risk everything on a duel when I can just slip in and out with the prize?

  The third floor has a few heroes. Only a few heroes of note; there is Sir Ectwar, a brave knight who killed some old goblin that kidnapped a child some time ago. Ectwar was sitting in a room reading a book when I asked him about some snacks. Then there is Lara Swiftheart; she gained some fame a year ago when she rode for three days and two nights to warn a town of some orc attack. They both look like they could fight, if someone put them up to it. But they don’t look like the best heroes in the realms, if I’m being honest.