The Thief of Dunmire and the Tear of Astra (The League of Sinister Means Book 1)

by H. K. MacTavish

  His second hand reaches back, like I knew it would. I take it and shove it onto his other cheek. There! That was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be.

  “You look silly,” I say, laughing.

  “You…you can’t do this to me!” he cries. I leap towards his head with a strip of cloth in my hand.

  “I can do whatever I want and you’re powerless to stop me,” I say. I’m smiling but he can’t see that.

  “I will get you for this outrage!” Blaise yells. I take that moment and gag him while his mouth is open to talk. “Mmpphh!”

  “What was that?”

  “Mmpph! Mmmph!”

  “Don’t worry, hero. I’ll only tell everyone about this,” I say as I step over him. “Someone made an impression on me earlier today. In order to punish someone, a public humiliation is needed. Oh! That’s right, that’s what you told me! Remember? When I was in the dungeon?”

  Blaise just sits there.

  “What was that?” I ask as he says nothing. “That’s what I thought.”

  I get up and walk over to the window, grab the grappling hook, untie the rope, tie the rope off to a table leg, and walk back to Blaise.

  “And just so you know, you got spanked by a woman! The Thief of Dunmire! Not literally, of course, because my hand would be stuck to you and that can’t happen, no matter how wonderful you look. So, I’m going to go. Thanks for everything! I’ll be sure to think of you, like this, when I’m spending all my money from selling the Tear of Astra,” I say.

  I peer over and take one more look at him. That is a firm ass. I bet I could bounce a coin off of that.

  Stop staring! You chastise Mary for doing that. If I get caught staring at the man candy before me Mary would never let me hear the end of it. You have to get going Corvina or you will be spanked, literally at this point. You’ve done what you came here for and more.

  I open the door and leave the prince stuck to himself and the floor. No one is in the hall. They all think I left the keep. Speaking of leaving the keep, it is time that I did depart.

  I creep down the hall. There is Heinrich. Still stuck! Ha! That’s great! Maybe I’ll commission some paintings to commemorate this heist.

  I run across the hall to the window at the end of the hall. I open it up slowly, secure the hook, and toss the rope down. Soon I’ll be in that storage room. Then I need to get clothes from a servant and I’ll just walk right out the front gate.

  Wait. Why don’t I just swing out to the outer wall? Because it’s dangerous Corvina. But so is walking out. The servant disguise isn’t going to work as well now and you know it. Hmm.

  You only live once. Or twice if a necromancer finds your corpse. Okay, change of plans. The storm is still raging but off on the horizon I can see lighter clouds. I don’t have a lot of time. If I’m going to do this it’s going to be now.

  I grab the grappling hook and wrap up the rope. I sling it over my shoulder, the Tear of Astra and the fake Tear of Astra are in a pocket, the sack with the royal jewels is hanging at my waist, and I’m ready to start climbing.

  I ease myself onto the ledge, lean down, close the window, and look up. Some crenellations up there can hold this proper grappling hook easily enough. I swing and toss the hook and it catches the first time. I’ve clearly done this many times before. With the rain pounding no one hears the metal hook catch on the stonework.

  I climb up the rope and see some boots a good distance from me as I climb up fully to the roof. I wrap the rope back up and sling it over my shoulder and chest all while crouched in between the crenellations. I creep out and see no guards are looking at me.

  Crack!

  That lightning bolt was close. The guards are looking around. I crouch back in between the crenellations. This is a big flat roof. I’ll have to be careful. When their attention is diverted I’ll race out and across the roof, along the crenellations.

  Come on! Start talking to each other or look somewhere else.

  There! I dart out from my hiding spot and run along the top of the keep.

  I don’t get as far as I hoped before I see that a guard up ahead is about to turn his head. I duck in between the crenellations once again. If I weren’t so flexible this wouldn’t work. Even still, I’m cramped keeping all of me out of sight.

  I poke my head out and see the guards I left behind me still talking to themselves while the guard near me is walking alone, looking over the city walls.

  This guy clearly takes his job seriously. He’ll be tougher to sneak around. But not impossible. Okay, he’s turned back around. I’ll just pop out and run behind him.

  My boots stomp into the puddles as I move as quickly as I can. I think I can make another ten…

  Shit! He’s turning again! So soon?

  I dive in between the crenellations once more…I slip a bit! Shit!

  Wait. Wait. I caught myself. That was close. The royal jewels I stole rattle a bit but I’m confident that the guard didn’t hear them in this weather… I hope.

  I still wait to see if he noticed me. It’s not a chance that I want to take. Over the drumming of the pounding rain I can hear his boots and armor shift as he paces back towards me.

  Crack!

  I turn and look at the guard. He’s two feet from me but he’s not looking at me; he’s looking at the other guards. If those guards look at me they might see me. Come on guard! Keep moving! Ah! Now he’s resuming his patrol.

  I run. I don’t wait. I turn my gaze behind me and the guard has paused. He’s about to turn back around. Now I wait some more. I feel like I just jumped into a lake fully dressed. My clothes are stuck to me! Don’t complain Corvina! I may be uncomfortable but I haven’t been seen yet.

  I’m nestled inside between the crenellations and I watch the guard pass right by me. In the darkness of the storm he doesn’t see me. I just need to wait for him to pass back the other direction. Then my path will be clear. It takes a long couple of minutes and my legs are getting sore.

  The guard passes next to me once again. I bolt out of there and to the far wall, which is my destination! I tie the rope around the crenellation next to me and start to descend before that pacing guard has a chance to turn back around.

  I’m dangling now just a few feet down from the top. It is a long way down. I should have enough rope to get myself to the inner curtain.

  Why didn’t I use the grappling hook to secure myself? Well, I need to start swinging. I pray that I’ve secured the rope tight enough. I didn’t have time to think about it long. When I start swinging I can pull the grappling hook loose so I had to tie the rope around the crenellation for better support. Plus I can use the hook to get to the inner curtain easier. Watch this!

  I start to swing in the rain, back and forth, building up momentum. I think I can reach the wall around the keep. There are a couple of guards there talking to one another. They are looking down. They are not expecting anyone to come from above them.

  I can almost reach it. Just a little more. I start to twirl the end of the rope with the grappling hook on it and I see a spot along the wall that would be perfect.

  Crack…

  This storm is starting to fade. Soon I’ll be quite visible; a visible thief is a dead thief. Or a captured thief, which, for the record, is still bad. I have to act now!

  At the extent of my swing I release the rope with my free hand and the hook soars through the air. It catches perfectly, just as I planned! I’m flying through the air, sliding down the rope. Then, the rope behind me starts to slack, quickly! It came undone! Shit!

  My heart stops as I seem to float for a moment. My heart just beats faster in my chest. It takes my mind a moment to process everything. I’m falling but I’m still moving forward! Can I make it? I…I think I can make it! I’m…I’m going to make it!

  I land and roll a bit, but the sack with the royal jewels crashes against the stone harder than I thought.

  “What was that?” a guard asks.

  Well shit. There is
a door behind me but that will just lead to more guards. I’m far too high up to jump. There is rope around this crenellation near me. I have to think of something.

  First, the guard can’t see this rope. I grab the grappling hook near me, cut the rope, and watch as the rope slides off the other side towards the keep. At least I have the hook still. I stick it in my sack awkwardly. It’ll stay there for now.

  Now, what about me? Where am I going to go? That rope tied around the crenellation next to me, what is it holding up? A banner? Sliding down the banner won’t work. It’s not sturdy enough to support my weight and stops twenty feet from the ground. That’s still broken leg height if I fall poorly. But the rope is tied well. Deep breaths Corvina. You’ve got this.

  I grab the rope and use it to hold myself on the other side of the crenellation. I can hear the guards walking over where I landed.

  My arms are starting to ache.

  “What is it?” A guard asks.

  Go away! Please!

  “I don’t see anything,” the guard says in response.

  “It was probably just thunder,” the second guard says.

  I can hear them both start to walk away. I look down and it is a long way to the ground. What options do I have? Do I have to go through the door? Damn it, I do, don’t I? Maybe sneaking as a servant would have been better. I’m committed to this now. I don’t have a choice.

  I ease myself back onto the top of the wall and see the two guards walking their patrol away from me. I creep to the door and open it just a crack and listen.

  There are a couple of men talking, but it’s muted. They must be on another floor.

  I step in and tiptoe around what looks like a store room. Below me I can hear men laughing. This is where some of them sleep and I’ll have to slink past them without them being any the wiser.

  I see a couple of small blankets just sitting on a crate. I grab them and move to an out of the way corner of the room surrounded by crates and barrels.

  I take my loot out and wrap it a bit in the blankets. That way it won’t rattle so much. I stuff it all into my sack and check to make sure that the sack is sturdy, and it is, and that I still have the Tear of Astra. I do. And the fake one as well? Yup. Still have that.

  A door opens and I hear voices speaking excitedly. Chairs are dragged against the floor as the men rise and then I hear heavy footsteps. The door closes and I hear nothing.

  Did they all leave? I hope so.

  Wait. This is a supply room, right? There is rope here somewhere. I can get to the ground floor easy!

  I creep around the room looking in the sacks and the crates that are loose. I’d rather not make a lot of noise prying open a crate if I can avoid it.

  The door behind me is opening!

  I crouch low to the ground and back up into a corner. There are a couple of barrels that I can hide behind and I do just that.

  “Everyone’s running around out there. What happened?” a man asks.

  “Don’t know. Keep your eyes open,” another man says.

  I can hear them walk closer.

  “I need to take a piss,” the second man says.

  “Just go over the wall,” the first says.

  “I’ll be back,” the second man says.

  “Good. While you do that I’m going to get something from my bunk. I’ll just be a minute.”

  The footsteps get louder as both guards get closer. Don’t look this way. Just keep on going.

  And then their footsteps get more distant.

  There! Across the way! A coil of rope!

  I stick my head out and see the one guard walk out the far door. The door closes behind him as the other man reaches the bottom floor.

  I race across the floor and grab the rope. I turn to the door that I had come in through and open it as the man downstairs starts to ascend the stairs. I can hear his heavy boots as I turn the handle. I squeeze through the opening and the door closes before he reaches the top.

  Whew! Okay, now to get down from here. You know, that rope holding the banner will hold me and the banner. I get the hook out, cut away the leftover rope from before and tie the new one on. Then I hook the rope holding up the banner and tug on it to make sure that it will hold me. I have a moment so I better use it to make sure I’m as safe as I can be.

  I step over the side of the wall and look down. Here goes! I start to rappel down the side of the wall. The sky is lighter now that the storm has passed for the most part. It’s still dreary and raining but not nearly as heavily as it was. I’m going to be easy to see.

  I look about where I am and see no guards looking at me or anyone else; time to make my way into the alleys of the town and wait.

  Now I just need my sister to meet me like she’s supposed to. You better not be distracted by that big bosomed hero, Mary!

  Manner of Escape

  There is a commotion outside Bridget’s room.

  “What’s that?” she asks.

  “Nothing good, I bet. Just…let’s stay in here,” I say.

  “Maybe someone needs help.”

  Damn heroes!

  She walks over to the door and opens it and I can see everyone standing as if they’ve just seen a monster. They’re just standing there, staring, mouths gaping. Wait…is that man stifling a laugh? He is!

  “Come on. Just a little but further,” I hear a man say. Bridget and I peer around the doorway into the hall and see Veronica.

  Oh my god! The tar monster is real and it’s coming for us! Run Bridget! I’ll protect you!

  Stop it Mary! Stop making jokes. Get your serious face on. No smiling. No matter how hilarious it is to see her all covered with molasses like that, that once heavily made up face buried under…no. Don’t think about it. Show a concerned and shocked face like everyone else. Now!

  Veronica is covered in molasses, obviously, and what hair she still has is matted down to the rest of her. She’s walking stiffly. Why would it hurt to walk? Oh! I bet her underclothes are stuck, just, everywhere and she’s pulling at some sensitive skin and her short hairs with every, slow, humiliating step to be seen by all. Oh, I bet that is just terribly unpleasant! And that is why she’s wincing with every step. Oh. Her eyes are getting wide as we make eye contact.

  “You!” she says, looking at me. “You!”

  “Me?” Bridget asks.

  “No. Her!” she says. If anyone has ever used ‘her’ as a curse, Veronica just did at my expense.

  “Me?” I ask innocently.

  “She did this to you?” a guard helping her asks.

  “Yes!” she hisses.

  “I did not,” I say. Which, to be fair, style and gravity did most of the work.

  “Arrest her!” Veronica hisses.

  This isn’t good. I would really rather not get arrested. I turn to Bridget with pleading eyes as a guard places a firm hand on my shoulder.

  “Wait!” Bridget yells.

  It’s good to have friends in high places.

  “We have to arrest her,” the guard says.

  “When did this happen?” Bridget asks.

  “Just recently,” a guard responds.

  “Then it can’t be her,” Bridget says. “She’s been with me.”

  “Sorry highness,” the guard says.

  Sorry highness? But…she’s a princess? Bridget should overrule Lady Tar Monster.

  Seriously Mary, you’re going to laugh and then you’ll be in the dungeon and it will be your fault. Stop it!

  More footsteps are coming down the hall. Is…is that Jennifer? And she has a dagger glued to her head? And is she missing a lot of hair for the top of her head or are my eyes paying tricks on me? Wow. That is some bruise on her forehead. The hell did my sister do to her and why?

  Jennifer pauses and looks at Veronica and Veronica looks at Jennifer.

  “What happened to you?” Jennifer asks.

  “She happened!” Veronica says, pointing at me.

  “No! She’s been with me,” Bridget says.
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  “She was in the kitchen!” Veronica said.

  “This happened in the kitchen?” a guard from this floor asks.

  She’s covered in molasses. Yes genius, this happened in the kitchen.

  “Yes! Clap her in irons!” Veronica bellows.

  “No!” Bridget says.

  “I’m sorry princess…” a guard says.

  “That’s right! Princess! Not Lady,” Bridget says, scowling at Veronica. Veronica looks like she’s about to throw Bridget in the dungeon with me.

  Jennifer looks at me intently and shakes her head. What’s she looking for?

  “It’s not her,” Jennifer says to the guards. “Leave her be.”

  “No! She’s the one!” Veronica stammers.

  “There is another one that looks like her,” Jennifer says.

  “But…but…she’s been acting suspicious!” Veronica says.

  Jennifer shakes her head.

  “Really, everyone is blind, I swear! We are going to talk about this because we’ve been chasing shadows!” Jennifer says, rather bluntly.

  “She is no shadow! Look at me!”

  “I’m after the real Thief of Dunmire. Escort Lady Veronica to her room and then come with me,” Jennifer says to the guards.

  “Yes highness,” the guards say.

  It would help out immensely to get Bernice trapped here in the keep. I just have to play dumb. Well, dumb but getting smarter. Time to bring up Bernice again to Jennifer. Just in case she’s forgotten.

  “Wait…you suspected me all this time,” I say before Jennifer walks away. She pauses and turns around.

  “Initially, yes,” Jennifer says.

  “But not when we were looking for someone suspicious…did you?” I ask.

  “No. I knew you weren’t who we were after. Well, pretty sure.”

  “Why did you think I was a thief?” I ask.

  “You were…creative but I learned you were not the thief we were after by paying attention.”

  “I’m not the only new face here,” I say. “Have you checked into your source yet?”

  “Bernice isn’t the thief!” Veronica bellows. “Have you seen him?”

  “All a ploy!” I say.

  “Bullshit!” Veronica yells.