KADE: A Second Chance Rockstar Romance

by Jane Anthony

  “You’re too much of a loose cannon, Kade.” His eyes blink rapidly, as his breathing finally begins to slow.

  “I know I’m moody and impulsive. It’s something I live with every day.” His boots scuff on the hardwood with each gentle step he takes toward me. “But you humble me. You bring with you a sense of calm I can’t explain. I need it. I need you.”

  I drop my gaze to the ground between us, unable to look into his beautiful face as I formulate the best way to get him to understand. “I can’t love you, Kade. Not the way you need me to. I’m not strong enough to deal with your emotional wreckage when I still have so much of my own.” Lifting my face to his, I see nothing but bleakness in his eyes. “It’s time for me to be an adult, take ownership of my life, and be the mother I should have been from the start. The positive role model Shay needs, not the broken shell of a woman I’ve been. I’ll never achieve that with you. You’re too consuming. I need to focus on her now.”

  Kade offers me his hand, but I don’t take it. I can’t bear to touch him anymore, not when it hurts this bad to make him go. His blue gaze burns into me as he backs to the door. “I may be leaving, Ainsley, but this isn’t goodbye. Go ahead. Get your shit together. Do what you feel you need to do, but mark my words: when that day happens, I’m coming back for you.”

  CHAPTER 16

  SKYPE’S MUSICAL JINGLE plays from my laptop as I pop the cork on my wine. I hit accept, and Jenny’s smiling face pops on the screen. “Hey, lovie! What’s going on? Miss you, girl!”

  My own smiling face shows in the little box in the corner. Dark hair is piled on top of my head in my usual messy bun with curls spiraling out around my ears. “Hey, Jen! I miss you more! Where are you?” I take a sip of my wine and see movement on the screen behind Jenny.

  Having to schedule these Skype dates instead of meeting for real kind of sucks. I understand that life takes us in different directions, and I’m happy for her, but I miss her so much it hurts sometimes.

  “We’re at Banger’s house in California now.” Light blond hair cascades off her shoulders as she turns her head. “Banger, say hi to Ainsley!” she calls out behind her.

  “Hey, Ainsley!” I hear from somewhere in the background.

  “Hey, Banger!” I wave, not knowing if he can actually see me or not.

  “So what’s new, chica? How’s work? How’s Aaron doing?”

  I roll my eyes at my friend. She knows damn well what his name is. We’ve been dating three months already. “Eric and work are both good.” I put emphasis on my boyfriend’s name on purpose. Leaving the tour early last year caused a backlash of shit that, unfortunately, she had to clean up. In addition to that, I think deep down she was secretly hoping I’d change my mind and go back.

  “He asked about you, again. Why won’t you at least talk to him?”

  Dark blue eyes, severe as a summer storm, flash in my mind, but I shake them away, taking a giant gulp of my wine. Just the mention of him causes my pulse to pick up to the speed of a Formula One racer.

  She’s found a way to bring him into every conversation we’ve had over the last year, but I shoot her down each time. The memory is just too painful to discuss. He told me he loved me, that he’d be back for me, but a month or so after he left, talk of him and that slut Misti Rain trickled into the airwaves.

  The porn star turned pop star showed up on his arm for every big event from the Grammys to the MTV Music Awards. Their relationship was never confirmed by either of them, but Kade keeps his privacy so heavily guarded, he wouldn’t have been seen with her if it wasn’t something serious.

  To add insult to injury, she’s only twenty-two. And tall. In heels, she’s almost as big as he is. With her blond hair and tight body, they look great together. Every time I think about his stupid come on, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. He prefers women to little girls. Sure he does.

  “We both want different things. There isn’t much else to say.” Jenny sighs as I pour myself another glass of Pinot.

  I shouldn’t have let him in. At the time, I was sure our love would eventually run its course, but all these months later, it’s still there, sitting in my heart and dying to get out.

  “Mommy, did Aunt Jen call yet?”

  My nine-year-old daughter comes bounding down the stairs like a herd of buffalo. Amazing how one little person can make such a ruckus. She slides into the kitchen on her socks and lands right next to where I’m sitting.

  Perfect timing!

  “Oh my gosh, that can’t possibly be Shay! Shay is just a little girl. Who’s that gorgeous woman standing next to you?”

  The grin on Shay’s freckled face is a mile wide as she waves at the screen. Jenny wasn’t just a constant in my life, but in Shay’s as well. She hasn’t said too much about it, but every now and then, a comment will slip that tells me just how much Jen’s move cross country has affected her.

  “Aunt Jenny! It is me! Grammy says I’m growing like a weed! I’ll probably be as big as you by the time you come home again! Did Mommy tell you I’m going to be a big sister?” Her words tumble over one another like dominoes. I’ve told her a hundred times to slow down when she talks, but sometimes her excitement gets the best of her.

  “Yep, Mommy told me all about the twins. Bet your daddy’s so excited for that. When are they coming?” Sarcasm drips off her voice. Jenny would never say it in front of Shay, but I know exactly what she’s thinking. My ex-husband is a cold-hearted schmuck.

  “Cami still has a while I think, but you should see her. She’s huuuuge!”

  Jenny’s cackle fills the kitchen, and I press my lips together trying not to follow suit. “Shay, honey, it’s not nice to say people are huge. Why don’t you run along now and let me finish my visit with Aunt Jen, okay?”

  “All right,” she grumbles. “Bye, Aunt Jenny. I miss you, love you!”

  “Miss you, love you, too, sweetheart.” Jenny waves as Shay scrambles out of the kitchen and back up the steps to her room. “How huge is she exactly?” The grin stays plastered on her face as I make sure Shay is out of earshot.

  Without Shay watching, I feel free to smile. When it comes to Cami and Bob, Jenny and I are like the cast of Mean Girls. As over it as I am, I still have a nasty, resentful streak regarding the whole situation. “Violet Beauregarde, Jen. I’m going to leave you with that image and move on.”

  She slaps the desk and laughs so hard she snorts. “You fuckin’ kill me, Ains! I swear!”

  “All right, enough about me. What’s going on with you? How’s life on the road?”

  Jenny’s life was glamorous before she ended up connected to one of the biggest names in rock ‘n’ roll to date. Now, she’s practically royalty. She spends all her time partying at the swankiest clubs and hanging backstage at the coolest concerts.

  “To be quite honest, I’m a little tired.” She bops her left hand over her exaggerated yawn, and my chin practically hits the counter when I’m blinded by the enormous rock on her delicate ring finger.

  “Holy. Crap,” I deadpan. Jenny’s face lights up like a jack-o’-lantern, while I sit there in open-mouth shock. “Is that what I think it is?”

  “It is!” she squeals and bounces around in her seat.

  Her excitement draws me in, and before I realize it, I’m bouncing too. “Oh my gosh, congratulations! Tell me everything! Hold it up again, let me see it!”

  Her delicate hand dangles in front of the camera so I can check out her new bling. The lamp in the room catches the emerald-cut diamond at just the right angle and fragments of light seem to shoot out of it on all sides. The dazzling sparkle is hypnotic. “Damn, girl. Banger’s got some taste.”

  “Fuckin’-A, he does!”

  She pulls her hand back and looks so happy that my chest overflows with emotion. Banger’s great, and I’m thrilled that she’s finally met someone who makes her happy, but it pretty much seals the deal of her ever coming back home.

  “You’re going to be my maid of honor, right? Y
ou have to be. I won’t take no for an answer.”

  “Absolutely! Why would I say no?”

  She chews the corner of her lip raising both eyebrows. “Well. . . .” She pauses, twirling a piece of her snow-white hair. “Kade is going to be the best man.”

  I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I’ve only had two glasses of wine, but the room is spinning so fast I might throw up in my own lap. Jenny’s unexpected announcement must have momentarily stopped my brain from functioning at full capacity. Of course Kade is going to be best man. He’s Banger’s best friend.

  “Ainsley?” I hear Jen’s voice, but I’m lost in my own head.

  Kade Black.

  “Hey, Ainsley, wake up.” The snap of Jenny’s fingers brings me back to the present. My eyes focus and she’s looking at me, her brows creased together and her lips pinched to the side. “You all right? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I just . . . I don’t know, got lost for a second.”

  My tongue darts across my dry lips trying to wet them. After all this time, Kade Black is still the one who got away. Some may argue that it’s more accurate to say he’s the one I pushed away. Tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to.

  I was hoping to continue my blissful state of ignorance, pretending what we had didn’t teeter on the edge of something great. It was only supposed to be a fling, a steppingstone, an ineffectual nothing on my path to moving past my ex-husband and onto my new life. But as hard as I try, I can’t simply forget how sweet his words were, how amazing his lips felt, and how quick his eyes could cut me to the bone with one little look.

  “Are you going to be able to do this, lovie? All I did was say the man’s name and you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Jenny is quite astute. Ghost is quite possibly the perfect way to put it. He may be physically gone, but his presence still lingers all around me. I can still feel him devouring me on this very counter, and the rumbling vibration of his voice telling me I’m the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted. Every so often, I even smell him. That delicious blend of spice and masculinity that was all-consuming, making me drunk with desire.

  I will my heart to slow down; I command it, but it doesn’t listen. “Yeah. No worries. Between Shay and the gallery, I can’t stay for any real length of time. Do you have a date yet? I can look at flights tonight.”

  Jenny’s face turns slightly to the left, and her gaze follows. She nods and looks back at the screen. “About that. Banger and I decided it would be better to get married in New Jersey. All my family is there, and it’s just easier for the handful of us to travel than it is for all of you. We really don’t want it to be a big deal, you know?”

  I stare at the screen blank-faced. Going to California was one thing—I could fly in, hide in my hotel, and fly out with minimal damage. Kade is going to be in New Jersey. With her.

  “Okay,” I manage to grumble out. “Sounds like a plan.”

  This was bound to happen sooner or later, but I’d hoped for later. Way later. Like maybe after my lady parts had dried up into unusable prunes. Even then, I have no doubt that Kade would be able to breathe new life into them. I hate that he still has this effect on me after all this time, but he just isn’t someone you can shake that easily. Because he’s either imprinted himself onto your heart or simply wouldn’t allow it. In our case, it’s both.

  The day I left him was one of the most difficult of my life, and not a day has passed since that I don’t think of him at least once. My hands may be shaking right now, but I need to get my shit together before the zoo comes to town. Especially now that I have Eric.

  Eric! Shit!

  My brain is screaming at me. Eric is calm and quiet, everything I should want in a partner. We met in the gallery where I work. He approached me, asking if he could record a piece in the gallery for an indie film he was working on. We hit it off, and he asked me out for coffee. Coffee turned to dinner, and the rest is history. It’s not serious, but I feel guilty thinking of Kade just the same.

  Eric is nice and super sweet, but he doesn’t make my pulse race. He doesn’t light my skin on fire or send me into agonizing oblivion when we’re in bed together. It’s a real relationship. Fire eventually fizzles. It’s best not to have it to begin with.

  “Banger! I think Ainsley is having a stroke!”

  “Jenny!” She giggles, but I don’t return the pleasantry. “I’m fine, really. It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait to see you guys.” Meanwhile, all the dogs in the neighborhood are barking from the shrillness of my voice. I take a deep breath and get myself in check. “So when are you coming?” My voice is normal again, thank God, but my cheeks are flushed, and my brown eyes are almost black.

  “Well, I hired a great planner, so I have a lot of stuff covered. I’ve already called in a few favors, lined up the hall, and the photographer. Banger, of course, is in charge of the music . . .”

  I plaster on a supportive smile as Jenny rattles off her to-do list, but I’m having trouble concentrating on anything besides the vision of rock hard abs in my face.

  “ . . . the shorter the engagement the better, you know, because once the press finds out about it, all hell’s gonna break loose. I’m planning to come home next month so you and I can dress shop together and look at flowers. Oh, my gosh, I have so much to do! Okay, lovie, I gotta go. But I’ll text you my travel itinerary, and I’ll see you next month. Love you!”

  “Love you too, bye!”

  Jenny disappears, leaving me staring at the Skype homepage. My mind flips through all the possible scenarios like a Rolodex. Kade Black wasn’t just the star of every erotic fantasy I’ve had since my twenties, he was the most arrogant man I ever met. It’s a lethal combination that equals nothing but pain. That’s what he is—a walking heartbreak just waiting to happen.

  Thinking about this is crazy. It was a year ago, and he’s moved on. We both have. I’m not the same woman I was then. I’ve risen from the ashes of my tattered past life and evolved into the strong independent being I am today. A little of that is because of him, and I’ll always be grateful, but while I have changed, our situation has not. Kade’s colors shine too bright in my pastel universe. He blazes like the sun in brilliant hues of red and gold. For one scorching minute, I held him in my grasp, but I had to let go before his fire surrounded me and left me charred and smoldering.

  Kade is not a safe choice. A man like that can’t possibly be held in the palm of one woman’s hand. He’s a gift to the world and needs to be free. Being with him only complicated things, and I can’t make that mistake twice. My heart won’t be strong enough to let him go a second time.

  CHAPTER 17

  Kade

  THE SPOT NEXT to me where she belongs is cold. I sit up in bed and find myself alone. My lashes flap like butterfly wings trying to blink the sleep away. Tomorrow evening, we’ll be back in New Jersey, and I’ll have to say goodbye to her. I have one more day to convince her to stay with me, and I intend to make the most of it. The guys and I practiced the song I wrote for her until my voice was hoarse. It’s going to be amazing. Just like she is.

  I lift my arms and stretch. It’s too damn early to be awake. Today is the first day of the festival, and we have so much shit we gotta do, but the first thing on my list is to drag her from her coffee gab fest with Jen and bring her back to our bed.

  I’m still half-asleep as I saunter through the bus expecting to see my girl in the kitchenette. Jen and Vic are sitting at the table, white-faced and silent as I approach. “Mornin’,” I garble through a yawn. My confused gaze darts around the space. It’s not big enough to have missed her on my trek from the back.

  “Kade, have a seat.” Vic’s voice is even more annoying this morning than it usually is.

  Grumbling, I start to leave. I never listen to Vic. I don’t listen to anyone. I do what I want, and right now, all I want is my girl.

  “You’re not going to find her. She’s gone.”

  I turn, gl
aring daggers at my manager. “What do you mean she’s gone?” My heart rate kicks up, but I’m certain I misunderstood. I feel my chest tighten. My fists clench and unclench, trying to work through the adrenaline-infused twitch that has sprung up out of nowhere. She can’t be gone.

  “Kade, listen to me.” Jen slides out of the bench seat and creeps my way like one would approach a rabid dog. Her voice is soft as cotton, but her body language is rigid. “Her time here was up. She was ready to go home and get back to her life.”

  “What’s her address, Jen?”

  Panic begins to seep into every pore. The blood is heating under the surface of my skin, and my heart slams against my ribcage. How could she do this? How could she just leave without a word?

  “No. You need to let her go.” She moves to where the kitchenette meets the sleeping pods then stops. “It’s over.”

  The word ‘over’ runs through my mind on a high-speed loop. We’re not fucking over. “Jen. Her address.” I’m trying my best to stay cool, but I’m about four seconds from tearing this entire place apart. I don’t give a damn about anything else right now but her.

  “I’m not going to give it to you, Kade! Stop asking me! She’s gone. Get over it!” The pitch of her voice goes up an octave but cracks as her attempt to be stern falls flat. It rouses the guys from their bunks, and they come out one by one like onlookers watching an accident unfold.

  The walls close in all around me. My teeth grind so hard my jaw hurts. My eyes burn. Outlines, once crisp and clear, become wavy and blurred. “Give me her fucking address, Jen!”

  My roar booms through the bus like gunfire. Banger’s skinny arms wrap around her as she cowers into him and buries her face in his chest. The sight of her trembling throws cold water on the fiery inferno of rage burning inside. I don’t want to scare her; I just need her to listen to me.