Don't Fall

by K. S. Thomas

  He tosses the pen onto the dresser nearby, wipes the excess ink off his fingers onto the sheet he’s got wrapped around his waist, and then places both hands firmly onto my hips, tugging me to him until I’m gently resting against his chest, looking up into his gorgeous eyes. “This is the first morning in months, I’ve woken up regretting nothing at all.”

  I arch a brow and pull back ever so slightly. “Really? Nothing? No lingering doubts about any of this?” I mean, feeling full-on remorse worthy of four letter curse words was a bit hard to stomach, but I’d think the whole sleeping with a student thing would still give him at least a twinge of concern where his current employment is concerned.

  “I told you. I’m not attached to the gig. Not attached to much of anything right now. Just kind of rolling with things.”

  I nod, still feeling somewhat skeptical of his whole ‘let the chips fall where they may’ attitude. My instinct to organize and control is at serious odds with the entire sordid concept. “Alrighty then.”

  “What about you? You freaking out at all about what we did?”

  I turn my lower lip out and shrug. “Nope. I’m good.”

  “Good.” His lips brush over mine, moving down along my jaw, placing soft kisses all the way down my neck until he reaches my collar bone. “Because I was kind of hoping we could do it again,” he murmurs, his hot breath moving over my skin, teasing me briefly before his tongue follows, continuing the trail down.

  “Uh-huh,” I mumble, head rolling back as I close my eyes giving into all the delicious feelings he triggers so exquisitely.

  I’m so caught up in the moment, I hardly register the knocking. By the third time it gets harder to ignore.

  “Someone’s here,” I rasp, trying to catch my breath.

  “They can come back later.” His mouth smothers mine and I’m willing to forget about the knocking all over again.

  Until.

  “Michael?”

  I freeze. So does Lane. Whoever was knocking is no longer outside.

  “Was that Jules?” I hiss.

  “Does she have a fucking key, too?” he hisses back.

  “No!” But Drea would have let her in.

  I can hear her moving toward the bedroom, calling him again in her sultry, sing-songy voice. “Yoo-hoo, Michael? Are you in here?”

  I know she must be within inches of the door when Lane hurries to spin me back toward the bed while he makes a mad dash for the door, still wearing his sheet and nothing else.

  I watch, somewhat stunned, as he opens the door just enough to look out while keeping me and the rest of the room hidden.

  “Hey!” he greets her, sounding about as disheveled as he looks.

  “Well, hello there, handsome. I should surprise you first thing in the morning more often,” she teases and I can only imagine the places her fingers are traveling as she says it.

  “Um, I’m actually not that big on surprises,” he jokes while still getting the point across. “Not much of a morning person either.”

  She giggles. “Oh, trust me. I could fix that.”

  Pretty sure I can taste last night’s coffee after that one.

  “I’m actually just getting ready for work, so...” he lets the words linger. When she doesn’t fill in the blank, he takes a more direct approach. “Was there something you needed from me?”

  “More like there’s something you need from me,” she chirps.

  Lane laughs uncomfortable and I’m not sure if it’s because of the way she’s coming onto him or rather because I’m right here, listening to it all. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I might not be able to see her for myself, but I’ve known Jules long enough to conjure up a pretty solid visual of what’s happening right now. Her fingertip is likely tracing loopty-loops on his chest while she licks her lips and flutters her lashes in some dramatic yet flirtatious fashion, all skills I’ve never been able to master and never once cared to until this very moment.

  “Jules,” he says, his patience clearly waning.

  “Alright, you big grump,” she teases in a familiar way that seems odd given they hardly know each other. “Here. You forgot your phone last night.”

  “Oh.” His body stiffens. “Thanks.”

  And the coffee I was gagging on seconds ago now lands like a brick in my stomach. He lied. He was with her last night. Before he was with me. No wonder he has nothing to regret. Who would regret two women in one night?! Guys everywhere will probably be high-fiving him all day.

  I feel like such an idiot.

  Drowning in a blur of conversations and images of Lane and Jules, I scramble to retrieve all the items I so carelessly dropped when I let him weave me into his charming web of bullshit the first time this morning.

  Somewhere in the distance I can hear the door close and Lane say my name, but I don’t react to any of it. Not until his hand lands on my arm to stop me.

  I spin around to face him, furious. “Let go of me.”

  “Not until you listen.”

  “No, I’ve heard enough, thank you.”

  “Tess,” he tries again, this time his tone is softer, more pleading.

  “Don’t. You know what, it’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. Jules, I’m sure, is more than fine. It’s all good. We all got what we came here for.”

  He frowns. “We did?”

  “Yeah. Look, I didn’t sleep with you because you seduced me, or charmed my damn panties off by killing my braincells with your good looks. I wanted to sleep with you. In fact, I seriously needed to get laid. And you took care of that need. You were a means to an end.”

  “You used me.” His eyes narrow.

  “Funny, how that’s a problem for you now that you’re on the other end of that statement,” I snap.

  I watch as his pretty face hardens, morphing it into something less pleasant and slightly scary, yet still strikingly beautiful in its now pissed off state.

  His mouth moves briefly, before he seems to decide no more words are necessary and remains silent, matching my dagger throwing glare blade for blade.

  I hold it just long enough to prove I can, and then I take my sweet ass time, turning around and walking out. I even practice an impressive amount of self-control and don’t slam his door upon exiting. Step by step, I get closer to my own bedroom door. I turn the knob. I get inside. And then, I drop.

  My knees buckle, and my back drags carelessly along the door until my ass meets the floor with a painful thud.

  Tears begin to fall, silently at first. Then Dick shows up, reminding me just how inadequate and unlovable I am and how I’m going to be a crazy cat lady forever and all hope is lost. Silent sobs heave in my chest, a painful truth spearing its way through these messy feelings. My heart was never out of his reach. It’s been there right in the palm of his hand from the moment he came along and placed those gross-ass frozen lima beans on my busted toe. One stupid little gesture, one tiny act of caring and kindness and I was willing to let him in. Because kindness and care are rare in my world and I wanted it to mean something. Wanted all of this, all of the chaos and confusion and the loss and hurt and...just all of it...to be for a reason. To make sense. But it doesn’t. Or at least, not in the way I’d hoped. It makes perfect sense of course, from his perspective. He got screwed by the woman he loves, what better way to turn things around than to go around screwing every woman who crosses his path.

  I’m about to start crawling toward my bathroom when my door creaks open and Drea carefully pokes her head in looking for me. As soon as she takes in the horrific scene before her, she drops to her knees, landing at my side. It’s her turn to peel me off the ground this time.

  “What happened? Why are you crying? Why are holding most of your clothes instead of wearing them? I saw Jules leave. Why did she need to talk to Lane this morning? She wouldn’t tell me. Why are you in pieces?” Drea rambles, her hands smoothing back my hair so she can see my face and better assess my mental and emotional state of being.

 
I help her out. “I’m a wreck. An awkward, socially unacceptable hot mess,” I sob. “And I had sex with Lane.” I sniff, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and trying for some sort of self-control. Then I lose it again. “And then Jules showed up to return the phone he forgot at her place last night.”

  “Oh, Tessa,” she sighs, patting me on the head like I’m five. Or a dog. “Why would you go out and do something dumb like that? It’s so not your style.”

  “I know,” I whine, “You made me!”

  “No, no, no, no, no.” She slides her legs out in front of her, resting her back along the wall beside me. “I made you put on a little dress and high heels, so you could go out and bang a casual acquaintance of Scott’s. I did not at any point suggest you have a one-night stand with the professor you have a mad crush on and live with, who was out with our mutual friend last night prior to coming home and making a move on you. That would be seriously detrimental advice, and years of friendship should have taught you that I may make seriously detrimental decisions for myself but I never, ever advise you to do the same. Ever. I give you all my best shit. You get the goods, I get the crap life experience. It’s only fair, given the real crap life you landed for yourself.” She curls her arm around my face and mushes my cheek to her chest, planting an excessive number of kisses on top of my head.

  “I’m so stupid.” My shoulders sag as I let out the last of my pitiful moments in a long, noisy breath.

  “You’re not stupid. You did something really, really stupid. But you, are not stupid.”

  I move out of her embrace and thump my head against the wall behind me. “I feel stupid. I actually thought something significant was happening between us. It just felt so...intense.”

  “Yeah, I bet,” Drea remarks dryly, her arm hooking into mine, the side of her head resting on my shoulder.

  “No, not that...well, that too. But even before...we just had this weird...connection. I can’t explain it. I just felt like he really, genuinely got me. Even after we had a whole talk about not having feelings, I still kind of let myself think that maybe they were there...maybe it was real. I don’t know.” I shake my head, trying to release all of the childish hopes I allowed to build briefly within my own silly mind.

  “I do,” Drea says quietly. “You spend all this time always being so on point with everything in your life. Ever since you moved in with Aunt Edi, it was all about taking care of her, making sure you were never a burden. You pushed yourself to be the best at everything all the time. You insist on being responsible and level-headed even when the rest of your peers are being idiot jackasses because no matter what, disappointing your aunt is never an option. But that means you’re constantly stuck taking care of everyone else too. Meanwhile, everyone is so caught up in their own shit, they don’t stop to look back and see that you’re there always keeping it all together for us. And then along comes Lane, making bagels and coffee and doing his best to try and fix what Meredith fucked up and you catch a glimpse of what it’s like to have someone else looking out for you for a change. Someone you don’t have to take care of and can’t disappoint.” She sighs softly, “I’m sure having someone come along who cut through all your bullshit and wanted to take care of you for a change, was a really intoxicating offer.” She lifts her head to look up at me. “He’s the asshole, Tessa. The really dumb asshole. Because he had a chance to get to know you, really see you, amazing you, and he fucking blew it.”

  I sniff, trying to decide if I’m going to buy into the bullshit she’s feeding me or not. My ability to function and get my ass to campus this morning kind of depends on it, so I roll with it. “You’re right. He’s totally the idiot here.”

  “Yes!” She nods to reinforce her show of conviction. “And I’m going to tell him first chance I get!”

  “Um, no. You’re definitely not going to do that.”

  “Yeah, I am. And I’m going to tell Jules, too. She needs to know what a two-timing loser he is!”

  Sharp, shooting pain through my left eyebrow reminds me why crying sucks so bad. “God, I can’t ever face Jules. Ever again. And how gullible am I anyway? When has Jules ever NOT closed a deal?!” My stomach turns in disgust. “I think I might be sick.” I scramble to my feet and hurry off to my bathroom, throwing the door shut behind me.

  Hugging the toilet, I begin to cry again. The nausea is passing, but the heartache is far from over. And it’s not even about him. It’s about me. I’m furious with myself. Pissed beyond reason I allowed myself to wind up here. That’s what I get for always being wound so fucking tight, looking down on everyone else’s dumbass mistakes, thinking I’m immune to being a dipshit. I’m not. Worse, my tightly wound core snapped and I became the biggest dipshit of all. Hooking up with a guy I can’t escape on any level for the foreseeable future. A guy who was on a date with one of my girl’s right before I got swept up in my horny stupidity. I’m not just an idiot, I’m a horrible friend.

  I hear the door creak open behind me and I know Drea’s back for another round of scrape Tessa off the floor.

  “You’re not perfect,” she points out. Crueler words have never been spoken in a gentler tone.

  “I know that.” I just try really hard not to accept it.

  “You’re also a shit liar.” She nudges me, squatting down next to me. Guess her commitment to being down in the trenches with me wavers around the toilet bowl.

  “Are you going to keep being mean to me? Because I liked it better when you were giving me the ‘you’re so awesome, he’s the dumbest most stupidest idiot ever’ treatment.”

  She laughs. “Oh, good. Funny Tessa is creeping back. I figured she’d take over sooner or later.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You know, that thing you do where you use dry humor to cope with your pain and numb yourself to actual feelings? You’re doing that now. Things are going to be okay. You’re going to survive.” She waves her hands in the air. “Hurray.”

  “I don’t like you very much right now,” I mumble.

  “Excellent.” She gets up and pulls me along with her. “Now get in the shower and contemplate all the ways you could insult me with your wicked sarcasm. I especially like it when you zing me and then make me laugh at my own expense.”

  “That’s because you’re an exceptionally confident person who’s immune to self-doubt. It’s freaky, and frankly unfair,” I point out as she’s shoving a towel at me and spinning me around in circles like I’m about to play pin the tail on the donkey when in reality she’s just overzealous and makes me miss my shower by a few turns.

  “I only got this way because of you. All those years of you telling me how awesome I am, what did you think was going to happen?” She smirks, gives me one final push into my life size aquarium and closes the glass door on me. “Turn on the water, you’ll feel better.”

  I flip the towel up until it catches on the side of the shower. I’m still partially dressed, so I’m profusely grateful she didn’t turn the water on for me this time.

  “Thank you, Drea.”

  “It’s what we do, babe.” She blows me a kiss and walks out.

  Time to clean off last night’s ick.

  LANE

  My hand was on the doorknob, ready to go after her a second time when I heard Drea come in and thought better of it. Trying to explain things to one woman at a time, is hard enough. I’m not even going to attempt to reason with both of them while they’re both busy ganging up on me, convinced I’m the greatest piece of shit that ever walked the earth. And they think that. Both of them. That much I know.

  Truthfully, they’re not far off. For all the brazen things she spewed at me before she stormed out of my room, I knew Tessa was full of shit the second she was done. That look in her eyes spoke circles around the rant her mouth produced. I hurt her. And just like that, my morning of no regrets is flowing over with remorse. This isn’t how I saw things playing out. Not by a long shot.

  Chapter Ten

  Tessa

&nbs
p; “Have you seen my phone?” I’m sifting through the same pile of junk mail on Drea’s counter for the third time now in search of it. I’m going to be late for class if it doesn’t magically appear in the next thirty seconds. But it has to appear. I can’t leave without it. I also can’t deny the irony running rampant around here this morning. First Lane loses his phone...now I’m searching for mine. God help us all if I left it with him by accident.

  “Haven’t seen it since last night when you handed it to me and made me promise not to let you answer Casey’s requests to come over.” She slurps the rest of her milk straight from the cereal bowl. “In hindsight, probably not your smartest move after all.”

  I growl in response. There’s no point in pursuing this conversation. I remember getting my phone back after that. And we both know I would have felt less gross having a one-night stand with that douche than I do having slept with Lane-post Jules. Lane. Am I still calling him that? No. I am not. I’m taking a page out of Drea’s book of names and formerly Hot New Neighbor is now Whore Bag Lane. I’ve just decided.

  “Where could it have gone since last night?!” I stop my frenzied searching long enough to still my mind and think back. Mentally retracing my steps, I recall the texting with Casey, can clearly see Drea holding my phone, remember her handing it back to me and me placing it back along the inside of my booties, the only form of ‘pocket’ available to me last night.

  Automatically my eyes travel to the black, high heeled shoes lying on the ground beside the door where I dropped last night around the same time I said good night to Drea. I hurry over to them, turning both upside down and shaking for good measure several times. Nothing comes out. No phone. No phone at all.

  “Shit.” I collapse to my knees and bang my head against the wall. Being pathetic is going to be the theme today.

  “Don’t say it,” Drea’s voice is appropriately filled with dread. “Never mind,” she sighs, giving in to the inevitable reality of my situation. “I’ll go over and get it.”

  “I kind of love you right now.”