One Last Letter

by Pema Donyo

  Instead, she sat down next to Annie and put her arm around Annie’s shoulder. Annie leaned in, sniffling into her dress.

  “I think I know why he doesn’t care for me.”

  “Maybe he does not want to court anyone. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “No, I know who he really wants.”

  Evelyn’s stomach tightened. She continued to rub Annie’s shoulders. Maybe if she stayed silent, Annie would change the topic.

  No such luck.

  “He was talking to me, you know, and I was so sure that he was going to ask to court me. And then . . . then he just walked right on over to you. As if he couldn’t care less about me.”

  “Oh, I am sure that is not true. He does care about you.”

  She let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t have to lie to me. He doesn’t care for me the way I care about him.”

  “Maybe he does. Just give him time.” Her own heart ached as she said the words.

  “He doesn’t want me. He never will. Not as a sweetheart. Not the same way I love him.” Annie paused her sniffling to look up at Evelyn. “Not the same way he wants you.”

  “I know.”

  Annie’s forehead creased as she blinked at her friend in confusion. “You do?”

  Evelyn swallowed. “He told me so a few hours ago.” She stared down at her clasped hands, eyes downcast. Her lower lip trembled. The words kept tumbling out before she could contain them. “I know you care for him. Annie, I swear I did not intend to hurt you in any way.”

  Annie shushed her. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault.” The moisture at the ends of her eyes had dried up. “I am shocked, though.”

  Evelyn frowned. “About?”

  “Why do you seem so upset about it?” Annie tilted her head to the side, considering the matter. “Oh, surely you told him that you felt the same way, didn’t you?”

  She bit her lower lip. “I did not tell him anything, really. I was so afraid of betraying you, or betraying John . . . one of you would have been so hurt.”

  “So you hurt Jesse instead.”

  Evelyn’s gaze drifted down to her hands, clasped in her lap. “I . . . I thought he was too late to admit his feelings for me.”

  “It’s never too late. What would you have told him?” Annie leaned closer to her friend. “He practically left you a California widow. What would you have said to him, if you weren’t worrying about what other people thought?”

  “I’d tell him I loved him.” The confessions left her lips before she could stop herself and consider her words. She spoke with a hesitant manner, as if her words stumped her. “I think I always have. I never stopped loving him.”

  Annie sighed. “I feared as much. You two have been inseparable since you were thirteen. He has a case of you, Evelyn. There’s no room in his heart for another girl.”

  “But you should know I told him that it was wrong for him to flirt with you and lead you on without a second thought.”

  Annie waved her hand in dismissal. “Oh, there was never any flirting. I could tell he wasn’t truly paying attention to a word I was saying at the wedding.” Her friend managed a small, sad smile. “I’m not blind. His eyes stayed fixed on you the entire time.”

  Her heart hammered within her chest. She hadn’t been able to glance at him during the ceremony. The idea of him staring at her during the wedding both thrilled and terrified her.

  “Especially when you caught that bouquet,” Annie continued. “I would give anything for a man to look at me the same way he looked at you in that moment.”

  Evelyn remembered the way Jesse had gazed at her outside the gazebo before they kissed. It was as if she was made of hand-blown glass, and with one wrong move she would slip from his fingers and shatter. Their relationship wasn’t shattered glass, though, she mused.

  Why hadn’t she recognized Jesse’s feelings earlier? John and his letters had been her major concern. But John had lied to her, and whoever had written the letters wasn’t coming forward.

  Clarity filled the crevices of her mind. A situation that had once seemed so difficult started to simplify, breaking down the worries that had prevented her from opening her heart. She did love Jesse. She’d never admitted the fact to herself before. Fear of untold consequences and possible misunderstandings had held her back. Her insecurities had locked up the confessions of affection she’d longed to admit to him.

  “It is not as complicated as I believed, is it? I was always trying to reason out what was happening between him and me—what drew me toward him, why I went out of my way to spend time with him whenever I could. I was afraid of the choices I’d have to make if I labeled it as love.”

  Annie shook her head. “You can’t reason in love. If you know you love him and he loves you, too, what difference do complications make at any time, even if they do exist?”

  The number of folks passing by Annie and Evelyn hadn’t decreased. The wind still blew against both of their sides, playing with the edges of their dresses. The rattling roll of the wheels of buggies and carriages continued on as horses clip-clopped up and down the length of Hamilton’s main road. Yet even with all the movement and sound around her, time stood still for Evelyn. All the doubt that once clouded her mind now melted away.

  She stood and started back toward Blue Star. “I need to go to Breighton.”

  She needed to go to Jesse.

  By the time she reached the ranch, the sun had settled on an evening pallor. The world was captured in a dark twilight color, and Evelyn had to draw a shawl over her shoulders as she entered the house.

  She knocked on his door. No response. She strolled through the parlor. No one there. She checked every single room in the house, searching for any sign of Jesse. But he could not be found.

  After completing a thorough investigation of the house, she stepped outside. Maybe he’d decided to spend the night in the bunkhouse with the other ranch hands. Or maybe he was out riding with her father, who tended to take evening rides ever since he’d recovered. He had to be somewhere around.

  She turned in the direction of the bunkhouse and walked past the tree—until a small white envelope caught her eye.

  Her eyes widened as she drew closer. The envelope was nestled against the back of the alcove. Honeysuckle covered the top of the letter, the dark pink petals contrasting against the starch white of the envelope. Her name covered the envelope once more—the hurried scribble Evelyn had come to love so much.

  Her throat tightened. She’d written her last letter addressed to John, but if John had never written them in the first place—

  After placing the honeysuckle in the pocket of her dress, she snatched up the letter and ripped open the seal. She grabbed the note out of the envelope. Her eyes scanned the page, reading over each line as if her life depended on how detailed her scrutiny was.

  By the time she’d finished reading, her heart hammered in her chest. Oh, how could she have been so blind? It had been Jesse all along. It had always been him. They’d promised during that day next to the gazebo before she’d left for school. She thought they’d broken all their promises to one another.

  But Jesse hadn’t.

  Her stomach clenched. She’d been so sure he’d given up on her. He never had. He’d kept writing and hoping, keeping up his end of the promise. He’d never, ever given up on the idea of someday being together. While the truth caved in on her chest, her heart felt like it could expand to touch the sky.

  The words echoed in her mind like someone hollering in a cavern. Can’t imagine you finding a man who loves you more than I do. She wanted to cry out for joy. She wanted to laugh at his description of John. She wanted to embrace Jesse and let him know she felt the same for him.

  Still, there was no sign of him.

  She scanned the ranch before her. There was no sign of any of the cowboys out in the fields. They’d all headed back to the cookhouse or the bunkhouse by now. She spotted her father’s profile riding closer to the house. His ho
rse trotted at a slow and steady pace, but Evelyn couldn’t wait. She ran up to her father and his horse, clutching the letter in her hand with a tight fist.

  Her father slowed his horse to a halt when he saw his daughter run toward him. Evelyn’s hair flew back with a sudden gust of wind as she stopped running. Her wavy curls flew every which way as she waved the letter in the air. “Where is he, Father?”

  “Who?”

  “Jesse!”

  Mr. Lancaster’s smile at seeing her soon morphed into pressed lips and sadness in his eyes. “Jesse took off while you were gone.” He jerked a thumb behind his shoulder, gesturing to the trail behind them, the trail leading far away from Breighton. “He’s headed back.”

  Her heart sank. She felt as if someone was deflating all the hope that had swelled in her chest while reading his last letter. “No! Why would he leave?”

  “Said he’d overstayed his welcome here at Breighton.”

  “No! No, that is not possible.” She tried to deny her father’s words as long as she could, but even her own stubbornness couldn’t ignore the honesty in her father’s tone. “Where would he go?”

  “Back to California, I reckon. Said he was stopping at Raleigh for the night.”

  “But that is miles away!” Panic settled in her gut. She’d only been to the city once before, when she was a young girl. The trail wasn’t difficult, but the journey would take hours. Wherever his final destination was, it was nowhere near Breighton.

  She looked down at the letter in her hands. None of the letters had been quite as elegant as the last. But his script was the same as the other letters. There was no question Jesse was the real author of the love confessions she’d come to cherish so much.

  She stared out at the trail leading away from Breighton. She hadn’t felt this much loss since Jesse went away to California. There was so much she needed to tell him! Her hand holding the letter unclenched. There was still too much he deserved to know.

  Without a word to her father, Evelyn headed to the stables. She stepped into the stirrups and guided Blue Star out toward the dirt path. After one last glance at her letter, she urged the horse into a gallop across the trail. She could hear her father calling out to her to wait until morning, but she ignored him.

  Pretty soon the gusts of wind muffled the sound of his voice, and the strong breeze rushed against her hair and lifted her skirts up around her ankles in a scandalous way. The cloak of night would cover her on the trail. If she kept at her pace, she hoped, she might reach Raleigh by dawn.

  A wolf howled in the distance, making the hairs at the end of Evelyn’s neck stand up. Yet she knew that all the wolves of Texas snapping at her heels wouldn’t stop her. Images of him brushing past her in her father’s study seeped into her mind.

  She’d let Jesse get away once. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The whiskey burned down the length of Jesse’s throat. The gratifying and stinging sensation was slowly serving its purpose. He drank the last gulp from his glass, taking in the liquid as if his sanity depended on it.

  His sanity really depended on how quickly he could think of something else besides the last letter he’d left at Breighton. He felt impatient for the alcohol to set in, to distract his mind from the girl he’d left behind at the ranch.

  “Another?” The bartender rubbed down one of the clear glasses with a wet cloth, hoping not to lose his newest customer.

  He shook his head. If he was to ride out to California as soon as possible, there was no way he could drive the wagon while drunk.

  He fished out his wallet and found enough money to pay for the whiskey. Jesse placed the money on the counter and tipped his hat in the direction of the bartender. Just as he was about to get up from his seat, the bartender slapped an envelope on the counter in front of him.

  “For you, sir.” The bartender collected the money and left to help another customer.

  He narrowed his eyes at the envelope. Maybe the bartender had the wrong fella. He hadn’t told any of the other ranch hands he was stopping at Raleigh. He hadn’t even told Loretta. Was it a letter from Mr. Lancaster?

  He picked up the envelope and broke the seal. With reluctance, he opened the letter and unfolded it onto the wooden counter of the saloon.

  Dearest love,

  That is how you always signed your letters to me. That is how you signed your last letter to me.

  Well, then, Jesse Greenwood, this is my one last letter to you.

  I know you never broke your promise. I realize that now. But you were not the only one who honored the promises we made that day in the gazebo. I need you to know that I never broke mine either.

  I never stopped loving you. I tried to convince myself I did, the same way you were terrified of admitting your feelings to me.

  I kept trying to rationalize my attraction to you. I kept trying to find reasons that drew me toward you . . . whether it was help with ranch work, or starting a friendship. Those were just my attempts to express my love for you, the same way you wrote these letters for me.

  You were right. For us, it is all or nothing. Being just friends is never going to be enough for us, just like California will never be enough for me, and a life without an open pasture will never be enough for you.

  I am sorry I could not tell you earlier. Come back to Breighton with me. My heart will follow you wherever you go, but my soul belongs in Hamilton.

  I love you, Jesse Greenwood. I always have, and I always will.

  Yours,

  Eve

  His eyes scanned the bar, looking for Evelyn. He swore he could hear his heart thumping in his ears, barely believing she was here.

  There was no sight of her in the saloon. He walked over to the bartender, polishing the glass at the other end of the bar. “Who gave you this letter?”

  “Someone brought it in. Said he was on orders to deliver it from some lady who’d seen you walk in here.”

  Jesse pushed open the doors and stepped into the setting sun of Raleigh. His eyes glanced past the myriad shops and stores. A carriage approached in front of him, and the air was filled with the chatter of busy folks running errands. He looked on the other side of the road that ran through the town.

  Standing across from him was Evelyn.

  He ran forward, racing past the carriage horses and dodging folks whose paths he had crossed. Once he reached her side of the trail, she jumped into his arms.

  Her legs crossed around his waist, and she looped her arms around his neck. His lips were on hers in an instant. He drew her closer to him, eliminating any space remaining between them. Heat filled in the lower half of his body and he pressed her hips against his.

  When they finally drew up for air, Jesse set her down on the ground. He kissed her again, with tenderness this time. He’d never felt anything quite as soft as her lips, but it soon deepened into another passionate embrace as his hands settled on her hips. When they drew apart again, he could hear older folks clucking their tongues behind them and a few whispered mutters of disgust at the inappropriate display of affection. He couldn’t have cared less so long as his Eve was in his arms.

  “You were right, Jesse.” She pecked his lips again before she continued. “John told me he only wanted to marry me for my social standing.”

  “What did he say?”

  “I do not matter to him. My social standing and fortune do. I should have listened to you.”

  “He told you that?” Anger flared in Jesse’s chest. How dare Cooper have the nerve to insult her?

  “That is not all.” She pressed her lips together into a fine line. “He lied to me. He told me all the letters were from him.”

  He furrowed his brow. “When did he tell you that?”

  “The day I allowed him to begin courting me.” She shook her head. “Foolish as I was, I believed him. I did not know who the letters actually came from. In the beginning, I hoped you had written them.” She beamed at him. “Now I know you di
d. But that was the reason I allowed John to court me. I thought he honestly cared for me like the author of the letters did. But that was not him. It was you all along.”

  He kissed her again, pouring all of his love and respect for her within that kiss. She pushed him away, laughing as she did so.

  “There is more I need to tell you. The other day, in the gazebo, when I walked away from you . . .”

  He shushed her. She still looked so worried. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s okay.”

  “No, no, it is not.” Her eyes turned to him with a softer gaze than he’d ever seen before. “I didn’t want to pull away from you. I wanted more than anything to stay there, on the pasture, spending my whole day with you. That was the same reason why I left. I was just overwhelmed with all the feelings I buried in my heart for you. I assumed at that point that you did not care for me after all, and the shock of suddenly realizing that your feelings had never changed scared me.”

  He brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “I never gave up on us, Evelyn. But I did keep hiding behind those letters. It’s in the past now.”

  She shot him a bitter smile. “If there is anything I have learned from you, Jesse, it is that there is no such thing as a matter staying in the past.”

  “I’m just sorry I couldn’t get to you earlier.” He shook his head. “It took us a long time to finally reach this point.”

  “Do you think we wasted all this time?” The corner of her mouth quirked upward. “Imagine if I’d taken you up on that offer to run away with you that day. What if we had left Texas and Breighton and started a life for ourselves?”

  Eloped, married, run away, never looked back. The idea had seemed so flawless at the age of sixteen.

  Just like Loretta’s threat to elope.

  How angry he’d been at how she disobeyed him, how worried he’d been for her safety, how he’d nearly lost hope of finding his baby sister. He and Evelyn would have caused the same reaction around everyone else they cared about. Loretta, Mr. Lancaster, Preston—they all would have been worried sick about them.