Nurture

by Susan X Meagher

  It seemed like Jamie was over her pique once they sat down to dinner. But as the meal progressed, it became clear that her conversation was one-sided. "Everything go all right at school today?"

  Ryan was obviously still skittish from their earlier encounter, and she kept it short. "Uh-huh. Nothing exciting."

  "Practice?"

  "Good. Ashley and Jennie were there. Today's the first nice day we've had for a while. It was nice to have a few fans back."

  "You don't mind that I don't come anymore, do you? I need the time to work."

  "Heck, no. Watching softball practice is really boring. I don't know why Ash and Jennie bother."

  "Well, Ashley goes because she has friends on the team, and I think she misses playing her sport right now. And Jennie … well, Jennie just loves to be around you guys. It makes her feel like she's part of something."

  "Yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, I forgot that I had to take Jen to the clinic to have her follow-up HIV test and STD exam today. I had to skip class to do it." She put her head down and took another bite, chewing mechanically, not seeming to be getting much satisfaction out of the meal.

  Jamie stared at the top of her head for a moment. "Doesn't that merit a comment? How is she?"

  Ryan flinched, looking like she'd been slapped. "Who?"

  Jamie spoke slowly, trying to make sure her partner could keep up. "Jennie. You took her to the doctor for a pretty serious test."

  "I would have said something if it were a problem." She looked down at her food again, and moved some of her chicken around on the plate. "She's fine. No evidence of any STDs. She's a little worried about the HIV test, but I'm not. I'm sure her friend was clean." Her brows knit together. "What was his name? Ajax? No, no, Axel," she said. "Anyway, they didn't do anything that could have caused a blood exchange. I wanted her to have the test just to scare her."

  "It's good that she's a little worried. That might make her think twice before doing something like that again. When will she get the results?"

  Ryan had clearly moved on to another topic in her head. "Huh?"

  Jamie waved her off, not even bothering to ask again. Ryan went back to eating, putting all of her concentration into her meal. It was patently clear that something was troubling her, but also clear that she didn't want to talk. Jamie was about to get up and clear the table, but she recalled a question her mother had asked. "What time is your game in Sunnyvale on Friday? Mom wants to come."

  It only lasted a second, maybe less, but Jamie saw it: a look of stark fear passing across her lover's face.

  Ryan composed herself as quickly as she'd let the emotion seep through. "Three o'clock. We're staying down there, right? With your mom, I mean?"

  "Yeah, sure we are."

  "I just … I was just checking the schedule."

  "Everything's the same," Jamie said, studying Ryan carefully. "I have to leave at 4:00 on Saturday to catch the plane to Temecula, and you're gonna stay at Mom's that night."

  The fear flitted by again, and Jamie realized what the problem was. She reached across the table and took Ryan's hand, then gently stroked her skin with her thumb. "Are you upset about being alone while I'm gone?"

  Ryan held out for a second then nearly shouted, "When I get home, no one will be here. No one," she said, making it perfectly clear. "I don't think I've ever slept in an empty house in my whole life." She started to cry, wiping at her tears with a vicious swipe of her hand. "You're mad at me, and I don't even know why, and I'm a big, fucking baby! I need a god-damned babysitter as much now as I did when I was two!"

  Jamie got up and went to her, wordlessly urging her to move her chair back. Ryan did, and the smaller woman sat on her lap. "I'm not mad at you, and you don't need a babysitter. I was mad at my father, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry for that, baby."

  "'S okay."

  Running her hand through Ryan's hair, Jamie said, "You're a very mature, very competent, very capable woman. You're having a hard time right now. You need to keep things nice and simple, and that's hard to do when we're both so busy."

  Ryan gave her a look that made Jamie's stomach do a flip. "Why doesn't it bother you? You don't get upset when you have to leave. Doesn't it affect you at all?"

  She knew her answer was very important, and she spent a moment trying to make sure she got it right. "I don't like to leave you. I hate to be away from home." She put her hands on Ryan's cheeks and moved her head so they were face to face. "I want to be with you. Every day."

  "But you don't get upset when you're not." Ryan's eyes were dark, and Jamie knew that the ice she was walking on was very thin.

  "Do you remember how you were when you were on the volleyball team?"

  "Yeah. What about it?"

  "You went on a lot of road trips, and even though you weren't crazy about them, you didn't mind. You weren't upset. That's how I feel. I'd rather be home, and if I can't be home, I'd rather have you travel with me. But I like to play, and travel is one of the bad things about the sport."

  "So … I used to be normal like you, and now I'm not."

  Jamie's eyes fluttered closed. Being with Ryan was usually such a joy, but helping her through her periods of self-recrimination tested Jamie's soul. "I think the car-jacking has had a more lasting effect on you than it has on me. I think life has been harder for you since it happened, baby. And I think it's harder for you to be away from me and your home and all of your routines."

  The blue eyes were still dark and devoid of emotion. This was Ryan at her most frustrating: furious at herself and unable to cut herself the smallest of breaks. "We were in the car-jacking together. I've been through bad things before. I should have gotten over it sooner than you did."

  "Sweetheart, it doesn't work that way." Jamie tried not to let her frustration show, but Ryan wasn't making things easy. "Anna and I have talked about this a lot."

  "You talk about me?"

  "Yes," Jamie said, knowing this might set her lover off. "We talk about all of the people I love. I love you more than anyone, so we talk about you pretty often."

  "So what does a woman I've never met think about me? Am I ready for shock therapy?"

  "No! Of Course not! Anna doesn't try to diagnose you. She's my therapist, not yours. We talk about how the things you're going through affect me." She kissed Ryan's forehead, but got no response. "I worry about you-a lot. I know how hard things have been for you. I know how angry you are with yourself."

  Ryan ignored most of her lover's statement. "I'm fine. I just don't like to travel right now. It's not the end of the world."

  "I know that," Jamie said. "But it upsets you, and anything that upsets you upsets me."

  Ryan's posture loosened up just a little. "Why does Anna think I'm having a hard time?"

  "Mmm … I haven't asked her specifically, but she did say that old traumas can get new life when something new happens. They build on one another."

  "Yeah, I've heard that. But I should be able to use the things I learned before to get out of this. Experience is the best teacher."

  "Not always, baby. We suffered through a very traumatic event, and it's gonna take time, but you will get over it. You just have to have a little more patience."

  "I'm sick of being patient! I got over being gay-bashed faster than this. I don't feel like I'll ever be confident again."

  "Yes, you will," Jamie said, her voice louder and stronger. "I know you will. We both will."

  "When does it bother you?" Ryan asked, her eyes suddenly filled with concern.

  "In small ways. I cross the street whenever I sense someone behind me; I get up and leave Sufficient Grounds if someone particularly menacing comes in; I'm always wondering if someone I see will unexpectedly want to harm me. I don't have that … that secure feeling I used to have."

  Ryan tucked her face against her lover's chest. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry they took that away."

  "It gets better all of the time," Jamie assured her. "I feel lots better tha
n I did just a month ago. Besides, it wasn't good to assume everyone was my friend. Over time, the fear will fade, and I'll just be a little cautious. That's not a bad thing."

  "You feel better … consistently better … all the time?"

  "Yeah, I do. Anna says that's most common. As I encounter things that upset me, I try to face them. Then we talk about them in therapy. It helps a lot."

  "I don't feel like that. I don't feel much better than I did after we got back from Pebble Beach."

  Jamie stroked her hair for a few moments, then slid her arms around Ryan's shoulders. She brought her lips close to Ryan's ear and asked, "Does it worry you?"

  Ryan's eyes closed and she nodded.

  "It will get better. It's just taking longer than you want. But time will heal you, honey. I'm sure of it."

  The brunette sighed. "Life can be so hard."

  "And so good," Jamie whispered, tightening her embrace and feeling her lover's solid body in her arms.

  Part Eleven

  Ryan walked into the house on Thursday night, animatedly talking on her cell phone. "Tell the fellas we'd be there if we could," she said. "Make sure you tell 'em that, okay?" She nodded. "Just don't forget. Love you, too. Bye."

  She clicked the phone off and walked over to Jamie, giving her a quick welcome-home kiss.

  "Who was on the phone?"

  "I was," Ryan said, giving her partner one of her "I'll pull that trick on you for the rest of our lives" smiles.

  Jamie swatted her on the seat. "Who were you speaking to, Ryan?"

  "My brother. Rory," she clarified when Jamie raised an eyebrow. "Niall's moving this weekend. I'm really bummed that we can't help."

  Jamie paused, trying to determine if Ryan was kidding. She'd never helped anyone move, and she didn't feel that her life was made poorer by that fact. But Ryan looked entirely sincere. "Does he really need help?"

  "Nah. All of the cousins will be there. But I hate to miss anything like that. You know what Da always says."

  "No, I don't."

  "He says your friends help you move. Your real friends help you move a body."

  She had a perfectly straight face on, but Jamie could see the merriment in her eyes. "Does he really say that?"

  "Nah. I heard it somewhere. I just thought it was funny."

  "You're in a good mood," Jamie said. "Feeling good?"

  Ryan took a banana from the bowl Jamie was always careful to keep filled with seasonal fruit. "Yeah, I suppose. What's for dinner?"

  "Nothing special. Just fruit and cheese. I got home late."

  "So … this is an appetizer?" Ryan wiggled her banana.

  "It fits with the menu." Jamie patted her side and started to gather the things she needed for dinner. Ryan jumped up to sit on the counter, as she always did when she was home in time to watch the preparations.

  "Why were you late?" she asked, peeling her banana.

  "I ran into Hannan. The woman Mia hired to impersonate her."

  Ryan laughed. "I think about her every once in a while. I was wondering if she was getting away with it."

  "Hannan says everything's fine. She claims the prof has been complimenting her on her class participation."

  Ryan's eyes popped open. "She's participating?"

  "Yeah." Jamie giggled. "She says she's gotten into it. She'd like to take the class, but she knows the guy will recognize her."

  "Maybe she can wear a disguise." Ryan shook her head. "That's a damned odd situation."

  "Not for Mia. She's always spent more time figuring out how to get out of work than doing the work would ever take her."

  "Hmm … I see politics in her future."

  Jamie looked at her partner for a second. "The most cursory background check would prevent her from running for sewer commissioner."

  "Riiiiight."

  After dinner, Ryan and Jamie went upstairs to work on their stock portfolio. The game had progressed to a point where they'd merged their assets, deciding that they'd get just as much enjoyment out of beating the market as each other. Their combined assets totaled $1.6 million.

  As she watched Ryan's eyes light up when the totals flicked across the screen, Jamie decided that observing the joy Ryan derived from playing the game was one of the most enjoyable parts of her week. She knew that Ryan would never get the same satisfaction from real money, but playing with funny money as she called it allowed her to enjoy herself immensely.

  "So, when do we get those shares of Palm from that spin-off of 3Com?" Jamie asked.

  "Didn't I tell you what those rats did?" Ryan asked, her pique obvious.

  "No, what?"

  "They decided to distribute the shares six to nine months after the spin off. They won't be worth the paper they're printed on."

  "Really? But people are jazzed about Palm."

  "I know, but an IPO rarely lives up to its hype." She looked up at Jamie thoughtfully. "I think we should sell our whole 3Com holding. I think it's a bad sign that they're making us wait so long for the spin-off shares, and it really concerns me that they still won't say what the distribution's going to be. I don't trust a company that plays cat and mouse like that. Plus, I keep thinking about what my father said. He doesn't know anything about the stock market, but he has a firmer grasp on reality than most people who play the market."

  "Okay, I see your point." Ryan made the entry, and when she was done, Jamie looked at her and said, "Hey, wanna have some fun?"

  "Sure."

  "If you feel strongly about Palm being over-hyped, let's sell it short."

  "Really?" Her eyes lit up. "I've never sold short before. How do we do it?"

  "Well, if you're sure the stock will fall, you place an order to sell as many shares as you want at the current market price. But since you don't necessarily own them, your broker has to sell them out of his own inventory, or go out and buy them so he can sell them. You have to put up 150% of the current value of the shares, either in cash or stock, then when the price reaches the point you want, you buy the shares and make good on the sale."

  Ryan shook her head and said, "What's in it for the broker?"

  "He gets 150% of the value, and after he buys the shares, that 50% is his to play with and earn interest on. If you keep the transaction open for a while, that can really add up."

  "This is pretty risky, isn't it?"

  "Oh, yeah. If the stock goes up, there's no limit to the amount of money you can lose. You've gotta have big cojones to sell short, amiga."

  "Let's do it!" Ryan said gleefully. "Let's go big, baby. It's a mortal lock that Palm's gonna go up like a bottle rocket and then crash just as fast."

  "I'm in. We just have to wait until the day the IPO is issued."

  "That's next Thursday. Can you come home for lunch that day? We can see how it does and decide when to sell."

  "It's a date."

  "Oh, shit! I've gotta go to Sacramento next Thursday. We don't leave until 3:00. Will we have time to do this if I'm home by 1:00?"

  "Sure. It'll just take a minute. It's not like we have to call a real broker, honey. We just have to take a quick look at the stock price, and make an entry on our books."

  "Cool. We'll be rich, rich, I tell you!"

  "We're already rich," Jamie teased.

  "Yes, but now we'll be rich with imaginary money that we really earned. That's cool."

  Ryan barreled into the house on Friday morning and took the stairs two at a time. Her bedroom door was open, and she motored in just as Jamie was coming out. They grazed each other, just missing butting heads. "Jesus! A little warning would be nice!"

  Jamie clutched at her chest, fearing her heart would stop. "The house was empty two seconds ago. If anyone should warn anyone-it's you! Damn, my heart's still racing."

  "I'm late," Ryan grumbled. She went to her closet and pulled out her Cal duffle bag, then started to add some clothes.

  Jamie watched her put in some cotton slacks and tailored shirts, a few T-shirts, a pair of jeans and all of the lo
ng compression shorts she owned. "What do you need those for?"

  "Don't have any underwear," Ryan said, not looking up. "Got my last pair on."

  "You have a full supply. I did your laundry when I got home from golf practice."

  Ryan looked up and blinked. "You did? You've never done my stuff."

  "That's because Maria Los does my laundry. I don't usually pay much attention. But yesterday she asked me if she could do yours, since it had filled the entire hamper." She smiled. "We were both a little amazed at how many pairs you have. I think she thought we'd taken in boarders."

  Ryan looked a little embarrassed. "I've got about six pairs of really good undies. Then I start going down the ladder until I get to the ones that I wouldn't use as rags. I've never run out before. I didn't think it was possible." She started to unbutton her jeans, then shimmied out of them. "Now that I have good ones, I'm gonna put on another pair."

  Jamie looked at the pale pink panties that looked like they were once white but had been washed with something red. The elastic was exposed on one leg, and when Ryan took them off, the skin on her thigh looked irritated. "Honey, I know it's hard for you to find time to do your laundry. Why didn't you ask me to help?"

  Ryan shook her head. "It's my responsibility. I just have to schedule my time better."

  Walking over to her, Jamie put her hands on her partner's shoulders, steadying her while she put clean underwear on. "I'm going to start doing it for you. I'm home more than you are."

  "But you don't like doing laundry. You don't even do your own."

  Jamie shrugged. "So? I have the time, you have the need."

  Ryan made a face, looking like she was going to spit. Then she sighed and said, "Okay. But I'm gonna figure out a way to make the time to do it myself."

  Jamie started to argue, then realized it wasn't worth the time. "Fine. Whatever."

  "I'm sorry," Ryan said, seeing that her partner was frustrated with her. "I just feel weird having someone else wash my underwear."

  Jamie looked at her, trying to figure out why Ryan relished having her mouth on every part of her that the underwear covered but was uncomfortable having her wash it. She quickly realized this was a quirk she wasn't going to able to understand. She nodded and put her hand on Ryan's waist. "I threw away every pair that had holes or where the elastic was exposed. I can't have my girl looking like she dumpster-dives for her undies."