Red Shoes & A Diary

by Mia Zachary

  “I guess—” She folded her arms across her waist and ducked her head. “I guess I got caught up in the moment, in the chance to be someone else.”

  “It isn’t as fun and glamorous as you seem to think. Agents work long hours in dangerous surroundings. All for little pay and even less appreciation.”

  “And there’s a lot of risk involved.” Meghan sighed, a deep unhappiness settling in her chest. Nick was a cop, a man who took risks, chased danger and who one night wouldn’t come home.

  “You take the chances when you take the badge.” He sounded tired, disgruntled, as he raked a hand through his hair.

  She laughed humorlessly. “Kyle used to say, ‘This is my job. I protect and I serve.’ The worst part is he believed it.”

  “A lot of us do, Meghan. That’s how we sleep at night and still dive back into the filth the next morning.”

  “Then why do it? Why do you keep doing it?”

  His expression grew still and his gaze seemed to turn inward. “Any sacrifice is worth it if someone gets one more day with their husband, their daughter…or their brother.”

  She picked up on the underlying sadness immediately. Sitting down next to him, she took his hand. “Tell me about your brother. Tell me about Greg.”

  Alex turned his hand until their palms met. He stared down at the carpet, haunted by memories. With each image flashing across his mind, the band of pain tightened around his chest, making it hard to draw breath.

  If he was truly going to be honest with Meghan, he’d have to bare his soul and let her see into the place where old grief and raw guilt lived. Maybe if she understood about his brother, she’d understand what drove him.

  “Greg got into drugs in high school. The heroin made him crazy, reckless, thoughtless. He didn’t care about anything except his next fix. My parents were beside themselves, having to watch their youngest son destroy himself.”

  “What happened?”

  Alex cleared his throat. He never talked about this with anyone, not even his parents. He scrubbed his face impatiently with his palms. “I let him down, that’s what happened. I was going to college, couldn’t look after him like I should have. Greg dropped out of school, disappearing for weeks at a time.”

  “So where is he now?”

  “No idea. The last time I saw him was after he got arrested on possession charges. He looked like a corpse. Thin and dirty and strung out. The judge ordered rehab, but Greg walked away after only two weeks. He kept walking.”

  Sliding her arm around his waist, Meghan leaned her head on his shoulder. Alex closed his eyes for a moment, accepting the comfort. “I tried to talk to him, tried to help him, but he’d become a stranger. Truth is, I lost my kid brother long before he vanished.”

  “And so you joined the DEA, looking for revenge.”

  He opened his eyes and glanced down at her. As usual, his career came between them. “I’m sorry for checking your background, but—”

  She touched her fingers to his lips and shook her head. “There’s nothing we need to discuss. I understand you have a job to do.”

  “A job that could affect our relationship. It already has.”

  Meghan got up from the sofa. He felt her withdraw from him emotionally as well as physically. When she finally looked over at him, her gaze was remote. “Do we have a relationship? This was supposed to be strictly physical, remember.”

  Alex stared at her, disappointed, until she glanced away. He thought they’d grown closer over the last couple of days, but here she was putting up barriers again. “Yeah, I forgot. No strings, no promises and no regrets.”

  She had the grace to blush as bitterness seeped into his tone. He continued to stare, frustrated by pent-up emotions she only let him express in bed. He was good enough to give her body to, but not her heart. He could be a fantasy lover, but not her love.

  My fantasy lover stands beside me under the waterfall. He moves toward me, offers himself to me. Our bodies join beneath the cascade….

  Alex stood up and pulled his shirt over his head without bothering with the buttons. Meghan watched him undress with a guarded look on her face. When he hauled her roughly into his arms, she put a hand on his chest as if to stop him. She must have recognized the heat in his gaze for the anger it really was.

  Reaching behind her, he unzipped her dress and peeled it from her body. He slipped his hand inside of her panties, felt the slick dampness between her legs. Then he stepped back to take off his pants and the bright green silk boxers she’d bought.

  He took her hand and led her toward the bathroom. After grabbing a couple condoms, he reached into the shower and opened the faucet. His hands encircled her waist, lifting her onto the vanity, while the water heated. He kissed her slowly, thoroughly, wanting to show her what was missing from their arrangement, trying to ease the empty feeling inside. Damn her rules!

  Meghan moaned while he caressed and fondled the soft weight of her breasts. She placed both hands on either side of his face and deepened the kiss, exploring his mouth with her tongue. Then she wrapped her legs around his thighs, pulling him closer. Dampness formed where his penis made contact with her womanly flesh.

  A raging need built inside him as the bathroom filled with steam. He quickly rolled the condom on before guiding her under the spray and closing the shower door. Rivulets of hot water trailed over his shoulders and down his chest. Meghan stuck out her tongue to catch the water dripping off one nipple. When she took the hardened peak into her hot mouth, he cupped the back of her neck and pulled her up to claim her mouth once more.

  She reached for the tropical-fruit-scented shower gel and poured some into her palms. After working up a lather on his skin, she used her body to wash them both by rubbing against him. Then she put her hands to better use. She took him between her fingers and slid her gel-covered palm along his shaft.

  Her touch was sweet torment as she gently squeezed and fondled him. Alex growled deep in his throat, fighting for control. If he didn’t hold back, he’d come in her hand. But he couldn’t wait any longer. He had to have her now.

  She gasped as he pushed her up against the shower door. Pressing his body to hers, he rubbed one thigh between hers, stroking her. She tilted her head, eyes closed in pleasure. He slipped his hands along her wet skin and ducked his head to nibble the sensitive base of her neck. Her whimpers of longing echoed his own need. Now, dammit. Right now.

  He turned her until she leaned her palms against the tiled wall. The shower cascaded through her hair, down her back and over her thighs. He moved his hands to her waist, pulled her hips back and took her from behind. It was a raw act of possession. Meghan grabbed the towel rack with one hand for support as her knees buckled. With her other hand still splayed against the wall, she arched her back to meet him.

  He nudged her legs apart, widening her stance. Then he continued to thrust into her, pushing deeper, burying himself to the hilt. Alex felt the change inside her, felt her tighten around him. The sensation was almost more than he could stand.

  Closing his eyes, he was acutely aware of the smell of sex and pineapple. The sounds of the spray hitting the tiles and of their lust echoing in the small room. The slick feeling of the water on his skin and his slick flesh inside of her.

  He barely managed to hold off his own climax as her body enveloped him in the heat and pressure of her orgasm. She cried out as her body trembled around him. Only his strength kept her from slipping to the tile floor, and only sheer determination kept him from coming inside her. Before she could even catch her breath, he turned off the shower faucet and opened the door.

  Lifting her into his arms, he carried her, dripping wet, into the bedroom. The sex was great, but damned if he was going to settle for that. He needed her to want more from him. They’d had sex; now they were going to make love. He was going to teach her the difference between a fantasy and a dream come true.

  After laying her down on the bed, he draped his body over hers as she opened her arms. He clai
med her mouth while her fingers tangled in his hair. Overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings, he took his time despite the fierce need to get inside her again.

  He was lucky to have her. He knew Meghan in ways she didn’t know herself. He’d come to value her strengths, and accept her insecurities. She was a beautiful and caring woman. She was smart and funny and passionate. And she was going to be his.

  When she parted her thighs, he pushed into her wet passage, inch by inch, drawing out the moment of joining. He eased back and then slowly squeezed forward again, shuddering with the fulfillment of it. She arched toward him when he sank into her, their bodies becoming one. Lifting his head to see her face, Alex watched her as he claimed her as his own.

  “I love you, Meghan.”

  The words rushed out in a hoarse whisper. Her eyes widened in surprise before she squeezed them shut, blocking him out. He rocked his hips forward, increasing the friction along with the pace. Her hands stroked his back, urging him on. She wiggled and strained beneath him. He began thrusting heavily, needing release, needing her reaction.

  “I love you,” he repeated.

  He’d never felt so scared, so damn vulnerable. His breath hitched and his heart thudded in his chest as he waited for her response. The emotions shifting across her face mirrored the strong feelings twisting him up inside.

  She looked fragile, achingly beautiful. A trembling smile touched her mouth. When she opened her eyes, tears fell from her lashes. Her quick intake of breath was part sigh and part sob.

  “I love you, too, Nick.”

  His eyes filled while she held his gaze. She’d finally said the words he so desperately wanted to hear, but she’d said them to the wrong man. The weight of his emotions threatened to crush him but it was too late to stop.

  He plunged into her, feeling her quiver with each powerful thrust. The pressure built as she kissed him wildly, lifting her body to meet his. He moved inside her, fast and hard. When he felt her go over the edge, he finally allowed himself to follow.

  Hours later, Alex was still awake. With a sigh, he stared down at Meghan’s sleeping form. Gently, cautiously, so he didn’t wake her, he reached out to touch her face. When he caressed her cheek, she snuggled against his palm. His heart stuttered and bled.

  She’d called him Nick, dammit.

  He wanted her to love him, not the fantasy she’d created, not the man he pretended to be. He was trapped in a hell of his own making. Earlier tonight he’d asked her to trust him, knowing he wasn’t worthy of it. And now he had to do something that would further test whatever might exist between them. He had to return her journal. If he didn’t do it now he’d never gain her trust. And their future depended on that.

  HE LOVED HER!

  Meghan stretched lazily, a smile on her lips. What an incredible night. Danger made a great aphrodisiac. She rolled over, reaching out as she turned. The bed sheet felt cool and she opened her eyes to find Nick had already gotten up. Still, she felt his presence in the soreness of her body, the elation in her heart.

  And yet in the back of her mind, she realized it couldn’t last. Now that she knew he worked undercover, a much more dangerous job than Kyle’s, her rules had to stay in place. She sighed and tossed the covers aside. She didn’t want to deal with this now. They still had three days together. She wasn’t going to waste them on “what if.”

  She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and got up. Then she stretched again, enjoying the feel of the morning breeze on her naked body. In the living room, she grabbed a cola out of the minibar. Ahh, caffeine. After a few more gulps to get her brain working, she turned to see Nick out on the balcony.

  Barefoot and bare-chested, he leaned his elbows on the rail, smoking a cigarette. Sunlight and shadows played over the muscles of his back and shoulders. His trousers stretched tight over his rear, accentuating his strong thighs. Meghan swallowed another mouthful of soda, admiring the view.

  “Good morning, love. It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

  He turned immediately at the sound of her voice, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Maybe he was worried about the case against Ramos. After tamping out his cigarette, he came back inside. “Morning. Did you sleep okay?”

  “Like a rock. When the adrenaline finally drained out of my system, I just crashed.”

  Wanting to kiss him, she reached up to cup his cheek. Then she noticed his distant expression. Something other than the case was upsetting him. Studying his face, her arm fell to her side. “What’s wrong, Nick?”

  “My name is Alex.” His voice was soft, but held an edge.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. It’s hard to get used to.”

  Sadness darkened his eyes before he glanced away, stuffing his fists into his pockets. “We should probably talk about last night.”

  Her bright mood slowly faded in the wake of her growing disquiet. What in the world was bothering him? “Last night was…incredible.”

  “Not exactly a waterfall, but I think it was a pretty good substitute.” He spoke quietly and his eyes clouded with regret.

  “Waterfall?” Momentarily confused, her brows drew together in a frown. The word hung in the air as a shiver of apprehension danced along her spine. “What are you—?”

  She gasped, eyes wide. Her body stiffened with shock and her pulse tripped into overdrive. Was he referring to—? No. He couldn’t be… One look at his face confirmed her suspicion.

  Oh. My. God!

  14

  He is the perfect lover. At times, patiently tender; other times, fiercely passionate. He brings to life my reckless longings, my deepest secrets, my wildest desires.

  WHITE-HOT FURY ENGULFED HER and she slammed the can down, splashing cola all over the table. In that instant, she was very aware of her nudity. Knowing Nick—Alex had violated her privacy made her feel exposed, humiliated.

  Meghan snatched the dress she’d worn last night off the floor. Her hands fisted as she quickly wrapped it to shield her body. They remained clenched between her breasts while his deceit ripped open her heart.

  “You read my diary, didn’t you? You’ve had it all along!”

  “Darling—”

  “Don’t.”

  She snapped out the command as she stalked back to the bedroom. Mortified and resentful, she grabbed her bathrobe off the dresser. The sound of muttered expletives reached her ears as she tied the belt around her waist.

  He appeared in the doorway, raking several strands of dark hair from his forehead. Then he held out her diary in his left hand. “I’m really sorry, Meghan. I never meant for you to find out.”

  “Is that supposed to be an apology?”

  She angrily snatched the book from his grasp and clutched it against her chest. Diary pages flashed across her memory, intimate words that represented her hopes and dreams and fantasies. He’d read those words. All of them. No one knew as much about her as Nick— Alex now did.

  “Do you make a habit of prying into the personal lives of strangers?” She shook her head. “Never mind.” It was a stupid question, considering what he did for a living. She felt so pathetic. Practically begging him to be her lover, she’d made it easy for him to take advantage of her.

  “Give me a break, Meghan. You left it out in plain view. Anyone would have been curious, especially after seeing the underwear in your luggage.”

  “Okay. That might explain why you skimmed through it. But you kept it and then lied to me when I asked if you’d seen it!” She shoved past him and went out into the living room. Still clutching the diary in one arm, she snatched up his clothes and flung them at him. “Get dressed and go.”

  Alex caught his shirt but the socks landed back on the floor. He started to put it on, then cursed. He undid the buttons before shoving his arms through the sleeves. “I’m not leaving. I need you to understand and to accept my apology.”

  Meghan stared like she’d never seen him before and slumped onto the sofa. The robe fell open and his gaze to her bare calves. Noticing hi
s glance, she snapped the material over her legs. When he looked back at her face, she eyed him stonily.

  “You had no right to read through my diary. How could you do such a despicable thing? Some things are meant to remain fantasies.”

  “And some things are meant to be real. You asked me to make your dreams come true, remember?”

  Meghan scowled at him in disbelief. Blood pounded in her temples, further heating her face. This guy was truly unbelievable. “You crossed the line, Alex. And then, to add insult to injury, you used what you read to manipulate me.”

  She held the diary out accusingly. “That afternoon on the beach, the romantic dinner of my favorite foods and last night in the shower? You didn’t seduce me— I seduced myself. Whatever intimacy I felt when we made love was as superficial as your personality.”

  He dropped into the armchair with a ragged sigh. Strain tightened the skin around his eyes. “It was never my intention to manipulate you. I wanted to be your fantasy lover. I wanted to make your dreams come true.”

  “Well, you did. You played the role exactly as I’d written it.” She spat the words out, her voice rife with contempt.

  Meghan jerked to her feet and went out on the balcony. Gulping in drafts of fresh air, she gripped the railing and tried to control the fine tremors in her hands. Alex came out a moment later, still barefoot, tucking his shirt into his trousers.

  “I’m sorry for violating your privacy. But I’m not sorry I got the chance to discover who you really are.”

  She scoffed bitterly, squinting over her shoulder at him. “Be sure and let me know when you figure out who you are.”

  Alex rested his shoulder on the door frame, wisely keeping his distance. “I’m the same guy you fell in love with. The one who fell in love with you.”

  Meghan shook her head. The fact that he’d hidden parts of himself—his identity, his job and his true purpose—made him seem like a stranger. Once again, she’d taken a man at his word, trusted him at face value. How dumb could one woman be?

  “You’re not the person I thought you were. I’m not even the person I thought I was.” She looked down at the slim volume in her hand. When she finally turned in his direction, she couldn’t see him through the veil of unshed tears.