Redeeming Rafe

by Alicia Hunter Pace

  He settled his eyes on hers.

  “I need more than vampire magic.” He squeezed her hands and half closed his eyes. “I need you.”

  And Abby’s world tipped over. What did that mean? Should she hope, fear, or run? Run, probably.

  “I could use a response here,” he said.

  “I never respond to something I don’t understand.” She shivered with fear of the joy blooming in her heart.

  He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not good at this.”

  “I take it you’re not talking about my nanny duties.” Better make sure of that right away.

  “No. Well, yes. But I have that. I bought it. What I want from you, I can’t buy.”

  “You’d better not be talking about sex.”

  “I won’t lie …”

  “Maybe you should.” As things became clearer, it was hard not to laugh. He really wasn’t good at this.

  “I’m not talking about sex, Abby.”

  “Then what exactly is it you want, Rafe?”

  “Hell if I know. You know, I’ve never had a relationship. Just a bunch of one-night stands with a couple of reruns. Meaningless sex is easy to come by and easy to get used to on the circuit. Ride a bull …”

  “Ride a cowgirl?”

  He laughed. “Has my Boston girl gone a little crude on me?” His Boston girl? That had a sweet sound. “Though ride a buckle bunny would be more accurate. The cowgirls I know barrel race and rope calves.”

  “I’m not familiar with the term buckle bunny.”

  “Do you really want to talk about the implications of sex in the rodeo world?”

  “No,” Abby said. “I’d rather talk about the implications of sex in the world of Abby and Rafe. That is what we’re dancing around here.”

  “Yeah. I was pretty popular. But it got old. And then came you. I tried to tell myself it was meaningless with you. But it wasn’t. Not for me. I don’t know what it meant, but it meant something.”

  Abby took a deep breath. “It wasn’t meaningless for me either, but it was rudderless.”

  He raised one eyebrow. “Explain?”

  “It was on a collision course with good sense. We were going nowhere good.”

  “Does it have to be that way?”

  “I don’t know. I guess that depends on what you’re asking for.” And if you really aren’t going back on the circuit, like you said.

  He spread his hands and smiled. “I guess if we were sixteen, I’d ask you to go steady. Do kids still do that?”

  She smiled. No two ways about it, he was adorable. That little quiver in her stomach must mean she liked how this was going.

  “I don’t think so. A few years ago, I think they were declaring themselves ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook. They’ve probably moved on to some Instagram or Snapchat emoji.”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind. Unless you want to talk about social media and its effect on society.”

  “No.” He smiled that adorable, charming smile. Yes, she definitely liked where this was going. “I’d rather talk about Abby and her effect on a bull rider.”

  And she didn’t like where it was going anymore. Hadn’t he said he wasn’t going back? She quickly played it over in her mind. No. He hadn’t said that at all. He’d said he couldn’t leave his children permanently like he was planning.

  She’d misread the whole thing. And her hopeful heart crashed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  What? Abby had been smiling at him, squeezing his hand, and letting her eyes sparkle into his. But all of a sudden, she’d stolen her hand back, and now she was across the room with her back to him, looking out the window. Something told him she wasn’t interested in the scenery.

  Oh, hell. What now? This was what all the guys talked about. One minute everything would be going fine, and then you were on a fast train to the fiery pit.

  What had he done? One thing for sure, he wasn’t going to ask. He’d heard how that goes. He was just going to try and fix it—fast. He’d had the impression the conversation was going pretty well, and he needed to get it back there.

  He followed her to the window and put his hands on her shoulders.

  “Look, Abby, I told you I’m not good at this, and I’m not. But I have stumbled into caring about you, and that’s one stumble I’m glad I made. And I’d like to see where that can take us. Can we do that? I think it could be somewhere good.” He turned her toward him and cupped her cheek. Maybe a little teasing, a little funny would help. “Would you be willing to go on Facebook and check the ‘in a relationship’ box? Or figure out some of that other, whatever you said?” She looked so sad, but there was a little hope trying to peep out . “Or if you want to go steady, I’ve got a mighty fine belt buckle I could give you.”

  Oops, gone again. Back to the chair. Okay. His better judgment told him not to do it, but he couldn’t think of what else.

  “What did I do?”

  She was rocking now, rocking in the rocking chair. Fast.

  “It not what you did, Rafe. It’s what you do.”

  “Tell me, and I’ll stop.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t think you’ll tell me, or you don’t think I’ll stop?”

  “Neither. I know you won’t stop. I thought, earlier in this conversation, that you meant to quit, but I misunderstood.”

  What did she want? “I might. I’m reasonably sure I’d try really hard. But I can’t if I don’t know what it is.”

  “Rafe, you ride bulls. And on top of that, in your spare time, you and Gabe skydive, swim with sharks, and climb icy mountains.”

  “None of that’s news.”

  “You have a death wish.”

  “I do not. If I did, I’d be dead.” Did she have a point? “I might have a ‘Death, I don’t give a damn’ wish. I could see that.”

  She drew her hands into fists, squinted her eyes closed, and made a frustrated sound.

  “Listen to yourself. I’ve been down that road. My husband was predictable, boring even. Then one day, he decided he wanted to take a ride on the free spirit merry-go-round. And with you, it’s not even a merry-go-round. It’s a Ferris wheel. No! It’s a roller coaster, the biggest, highest, fastest, meanest roller coaster on the planet. I asked him not to go in that cave. I begged him. I knew he didn’t know what he was doing.”

  “But I do know what I’m doing.”

  “It doesn’t matter. It was foolhardy of Gregory, and it’s foolhardy of you. And sooner or later, it’ll catch up with you. Gregory had a wife and a child on the way. You have two wonderful girls, not to mention everyone else who loves you. What Gregory did was pointless, just like what you insist on doing is a pointless risk. And a waste. I can’t be part of that.”

  His heart was pounding. “What if,” he said slowly, “I promised not to skydive and the rest of it. Would you give us a chance?” He couldn’t get Gabe to go anymore, anyway.

  “Would ‘the rest of it’ include bull riding?”

  “No. Not that. That’s my job.” Surely she could understand that.

  “Then it’s not good enough.” No. Didn’t understand at all.

  He hesitated. “It is a risk, but it’s not pointless. That’s how I earn a living, Abby.”

  “I understand. But I can’t be involved.” She looked at the floor.

  “More people die every year from falling down stairs than from bull riding.”

  “You’re making that up,” Abby said.

  “I am not. Somebody told me that. It was on the Internet.”

  “Then it’s got to be true.”

  “Abby, a man has to work. I’ve done all right, and I’ve been careful with my money. But I’m not Jackson Beauford rich or even Gabe Beauford rich. And now I have Bella and Alice to think of. Anyway, even if I were sure I had enough for us to live on the rest of our lives, I wouldn’t want my girls to think it was acceptable for a person to not work. That’s no example.”


  She smiled, and he thought he might be winning until she spoke. “And they would think that.” Her tone was all soft and sweet. “They would think it because they will adore you and think you can do no wrong. And you won’t do much wrong, because you love them and your instincts are good. You’ll do fine without me.”

  Without me. Nothing good about that. He didn’t want to go to the mailbox without her.

  “What you’re asking is unfair.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I’m not really asking you to give up bull riding. I’m only telling you what I can’t do. And, Rafe, I can’t. I really can’t. If I could stand it, I would.”

  “I’m not sure I believe that.”

  She stood up. “No?” She had a shaky mad look about her, and every word she spoke was wrought with more emotion than the last. “Have you ever gone to bed at night thinking about someone and woke up with the same thought on your mind? Have you ever picked up an object and held it just because that person held it last? Have you wanted to drink and eat after them and wrap yourself in the towel they used, just so you could occupy the same space in the same way they did?”

  Yes, he had. And it sickened him to hear that the feelings he had for her were the same she had felt for another man, even if that other man had been her husband.

  “I have,” she said. “But it wasn’t for Gregory.”

  All the breath left Rafe’s body. He took a step toward her. “Do you mean it?”

  She took a step back. “Don’t touch me, Rafe. If you do, I’ll tell you what you want to hear, and that won’t be good for anyone.” She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and when she spoke again, she was more collected. “You must understand. I loved Gregory. I never knew life without him. He was good and kind. It was completely out of character for him to be reckless and ignore something I asked of him. If he had come back from that cave without incident, we might have argued about it, but we would have settled it and forgotten about it. I would have been content with him the rest of my life. There’s a lot to be said for content. But it wasn’t a grand passion. It wasn’t fire and ice and longing and thinking you’ll die if you can’t be together. Not like—”

  This time he did not let her step away from him. He grasped her shoulders. “Not like us?”

  Her face went to heartbroken misery. “Not like us.”

  Not like us. The words went straight through him and made him consider where they might take him.

  But give up bull riding? Impossible. Or was it? Really, how much longer was he good for anyway? He’d be thirty-one in a few months, and that was a senior citizen in the rodeo world. He’d figured he could push it to thirty-five. In terms of remaining healthy, he’d been lucky, but how much longer could he push that luck?

  Parenting was hard enough without trying to do it from a wheelchair—and impossible to do from the grave. He’d meant what he said about working, but he wasn’t proud, and he didn’t need to be as rich as Jackson and Gabe. He owned a quarter of Beauford Bend and Around the Bend. Hell, he’d replace white lights in trees and pass fancy food at parties if he had to. He’d done it before. Taking orders from Emory would be no different from taking them from his aunt. He had his savings, and maybe it was time he made some better investments, as Jackson and Gabe had been griping about forever.

  There were plenty of cowboys who said they’d never stop, that it was in their blood, but that wasn’t true of Rafe. He had proven he could hold on to just about any bull for eight seconds, but he didn’t think like the cowboys who had it in their blood, didn’t even dress the part when he was away from that world.

  Maybe that was the difference in being born into the rodeo life. He hadn’t been of course, but Aunt Amelia had let him go to bull riding school in Nashville as soon as he’d turned fourteen. Later, when he proved he was a natural and started competing with the Tennessee High School Association, she’d regretted her decision. He remembered her saying more than once, “It scares me to death, but I thought it would be a lark. But how could I say no? He works so hard for Around the Bend and never asks for anything.”

  He hadn’t asked for anything else, because he hadn’t wanted anything else—until now. He’d been asked many times why he rode, but he’d never told the truth. It wasn’t the money, the crowd, or, as Abby believed, the adrenaline. In the beginning, it had been novel and exciting, but even then, the desire had come from the blinding need to prove his courage. But in truth, did he need to do that anymore? It had been a long time since he’d been afraid on the back of a bull. And hadn’t he fooled the world into thinking he was no coward?

  These days, his fear came from his girls sleeping down the hall and the woman standing in front of him. Maybe it was time this battle with fear took on a more personal journey. Maybe it was time to stay here and learn how to not be afraid of real life.

  Not like us. Us. He wanted her. He needed her. For the first time in his life, it dawned on him that there was a difference.

  “Then I’ll do it, Abby. I’ll give up bull riding.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Abby pulled the triplet stroller out of the back of the new van and started buckling kids in. She was getting pretty good at this. Bella went in the front seat because she was a hair puller, Alice in the middle because she needed to be able to see Bella, and Phillip in the rear because that’s what was left.

  Usually, going to town was more trouble than it was worth. But this morning she’d woken full of energy, with the need to get out and about now that fall had finally arrived. Besides, with a week until Halloween, the kids needed costumes—or Bella and Alice did. When he’d ordered helmets and protective riding gear for the kids, Rafe had gotten Phillip a full cowboy ensemble, including hat, chaps, and boots. Phillip might as well wear that for the Beauford Harvest Festival. Last year, at her friends’ urging, Abby had gone to the street fair, had even put Phillip in the pumpkin costume her mother had sent, but she’d been sad and tired.

  This year it would be different. She and Rafe would bring the children. Maybe the two of them would dress up, too. Though on second thought, probably not. During the last three weeks, she’d learned about some things that Rafe was not willing to do—wear pink, carry an umbrella, or use body wash, even if it was made for men. It was a fair bet he wasn’t going to dress up like a ghost or pirate for Halloween. At the thought, she laughed out loud, which also made the kids howl with laughter. Was it her imagination, or were they happier these days, too? At first, Abby had been skeptical about Rafe’s promise, but he’d called his agent—though she hadn’t known he even had an agent—and told him to announce that he was retiring due to his new single parent status. More than that, he didn’t seem to have any regrets or be looking back. And Jackson was over the moon.

  As for Rafe and Abby—it seemed they were, indeed, “going steady”—sans belt buckle. Though they hadn’t told anyone about their relationship yet, it was just a matter of time before everyone knew. Rafe didn’t even shower in his own room anymore, much less sleep there. And she didn’t want him to.

  “Where’s my daddy?” Alice asked looking around.

  “He’s working on the stable,” Abby said. “We’ll see him later.”

  “Ride the Snow Pony?” Phillip said.

  “Soon,” Abby said. Yesterday, the protective gear Rafe had ordered for the children had come in, and he had led them around on Snowball for a bit while she’d walked along and held them in the saddle. Though he had finally allowed Carter a turn, Dirk had been apprehensive because of their age. Having had riding lessons as a young child, Abby had no such misgivings, and she saw it as a good sign that Rafe was learning to trust himself with them.

  The fall wind picked up, and Abby paused to button Bella’s sweater since she tended to be more cold natured than the other two.

  “What beautiful children.”

  Abby looked up to see a woman holding a huge shopping bag from Piece by Piece.

  “Thank you.” Abby had grown accustomed to the childre
n attracting attention from strangers. She nodded at the woman’s bag. “I see you’ve been shopping at my friend Noel’s shop.”

  “Yes. I drive over from Atlanta a couple of times a year to buy my quilting supplies. Noel is the best.”

  “Did you see Neyland’s jewelry display while you were in Piece by Piece? It’s all custom made.”

  “Beautiful!” the woman said. “But I spent all my money on fabric. Maybe next time I come to Beauford, I’ll budget for a little something sparkly. Neyland said she was moving into her own shop after the football and hockey seasons are over. She said she was engaged to a football player. Noel’s married to a hockey player, and they take turns traveling to road games and watching the shop. Me? I don’t pay attention to sports.”

  It still amazed Abby how these Southerners told everyone their business. “I’m sure your quilting keeps you busy.”

  “I’ll bet you don’t have time for sports, either. Are all of them yours? Are they triplets?”

  This woman wasn’t the first to ask that. With their coloring, the children looked enough alike to be taken for siblings, but Abby wasn’t interested in divulging information about Jackson and Gabe Beauford’s nieces. She doubted if this quilt maker used her spare time to kidnap the children of the rich and famous, but anything was possible—at least that’s what Dirk said.

  “For certain, I have my hands full,” she said evasively.

  “Mama!” Not Phillip, but Bella, called. This had been going on for about two weeks now, and every time it happened, Abby’s gut vacillated between joy and uneasiness. At first, the girls had called her nothing. She’d tried to teach them to call her Abby, but that must have confused them since Phillip called her Mama—and, evidently, they’d decided if it was good enough for Phillip it was good enough for them. And soon after, following the girls’ example, Phillip had started calling Rafe Daddy. She’d been worried that it would make Rafe uncomfortable, but he’d just laughed and said when Phillip was older he’d learn who his father was.