The Girlfriend Curse

by Valerie Frankel

  “Not really,” admitted Peg. “But running is an escape, a crutch.”

  “Have you obsessed about your ex-boyfriends?”

  “No,” said Peg. And what a relief that had been.

  “Have you fretted about where your life is going?”

  “Not at all,” said Peg, realizing she hadn’t.

  “Look at her,” said Oliver. “She’s happy again.”

  Stacy said, “Scary.”

  “So Nina and Jack are working together on the kidnapping plot,” said Peg. “Are they just working together, or are they together together?”

  Stacy said, “Is this a new development? They act like an old married couple.”

  “It’s a new development built on the foundation of an old one. They’re definitely a couple, not just friends?”

  “Unless friends snog in taxicabs,” said Stacy.

  This pleased Peg. Her best friend and her brother reunited. Fortunately, this round, Peg wouldn’t be jealous. Nor did she feel left out. She’d left them, and was glad they’d refound each other.

  “I’ve got to give you props,” said Peg to her kidnappers. “You’re doing a great job here. You found me. Abducted me. Oliver, you were like a pit bull in the bar. I admire your tenacity.”

  He smiled bashfully. Stacy beamed at him. He was a vision in black and white, she in Technicolor. No one in their right mind would have looked at the two of them and thought, “They’d make a great couple.” Yet here they stood, a perfect mix-matched pair.

  None of Peg’s exes fit her, even imperfectly. She tried to cram them on, like Cinderella’s slipper—or OJ’s glove. She should have told herself, “If he does not fit, you can’t commit.” Peg vowed that she would not cram anyone into her life again.

  Peg said, “Okay, you’ve convinced me. I was brainwashed, but my mind is dirty again. I can feel the filth.”

  “We can’t let you go,” said Stacy. “Nina and Jack are on their way. We’re supposed to keep you here.”

  “Where are we anyway?”

  Oliver said, “Can’t tell.”

  Peg said, “I’ll scream.”

  Stacy said, “Quick! More beer!”

  He came at her with the bottle, label up this time. Peg read it. Jasper. An ale made in only one place in the world—the brewery under the Manshire Inn. They must be in one of the motel rooms behind the main Inn building. Poule au Dent, Albert’s restaurant, was across the street. Dombit’s was right next door. On her hands and knees, she could crawl to the Federal. Not that she would.

  A knock on the door. Stacy said, “Nina and Jack must have missed the traffic in Connecticut.”

  Stacy opened the door. The business end of a shotgun rifle entered the room, and found a comfortable resting spot on Stacy’s pink button nose.

  Chapter 31

  “Hands behind your head, drop to your knees, plant your face on the floor,” said Artemis Call to Stacy. “You, too,” he added to Oliver.

  Stacy said, “The police! Good. We want to report a cult.”

  Artemis cocked his gun, with a slide and click. “I said drop,” he repeated. Stacy and Oliver scrambled to obey. Without taking his eyes off the kidnappers, Artemis said, “Status report, Peg.”

  “Still single.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” she responded.

  He unsnapped two pairs of handcuffs from his belt. While cuffing Stacy’s and Oliver’s hands behind their backs, he said, “Five people witnessed a woman being kidnapped in the parking lot of the Norwich Tavern. The perps were described as a weirdly dressed couple from New Jersey.”

  From the floor, Stacy said, “We are not from New Jersey.”

  Artemis winked at Peg. “I reported the kidnapping on the police radio, and got four calls from the Inn inside of five minutes. You two are the worst kidnappers in Vermont history.”

  “How many kidnappers have there been in Vermont?” asked Peg.

  He said, “We had one back in 1876. Cows get snatched every year. We don’t call that cownapping, though, because it makes you think that the cows are taking a nap.”

  Artemis untied Peg. Once she was free, he said, “Okay, Bonnie and Clyde. I’m taking you in.”

  Peg helped Stacy and Oliver to their feet. “I’m not pressing charges,” she said. “It’s my fault they kidnapped me. I sent some misleading letters to my friend Nina and she thought it sounded like I’d joined a cult, so she hired Stacy and Oliver here to kidnap me and deprogram me from my brainwashing.”

  “She has been brainwashed,” said Oliver.

  “It’s true. Just look at her,” said Stacy.

  Artemis turned toward Peg, who smiled prettily.

  Stacy said, “You see? The healthy glow, the lighter-than-air demeanor? That’s nothing like the way she was in New York. She’s obviously been tampered with.”

  “Tampered with by who?” asked the cop.

  “Some shyster named Linus Bester. He preys on the vulnerable and weak, uses mind tricks and manipulation to force his victims to do his bidding. We’re not sure what he’s after, exactly. Probably money and sexual favors,” replied Stacy.

  “I can tell you firsthand that he’s not after sexual favors,” said Peg.

  “Linus Bester is the mayor of Manshire,” said Artemis. “If he’s the leader of a cult, everyone in town is a follower.”

  Oliver said, “My God. They’re all under his influence.”

  “What have we stumbled into?” asked Stacy in horror. “These lunatic country people will probably sacrifice us in some ritual bloodletting. Our bodies will be chopped into little pieces and fed to chickens.”

  “Now you’re being ridiculous,” said Artemis. “Chicken won’t eat human flesh. Coyotes, bears, yes. But not chickens.”

  Stacy and Oliver’s eyelids sprang wide open.

  Artemis said, “If Peg won’t press charges, I won’t take you in for kidnapping. But you have made verbal threats to a police officer, and slanderous accusations against the town mayor. I’m going to write you a ticket.”

  Stacy said, “What about the cuffs?”

  “Thanks for reminding me. I’ll have to include a rental fee for the cuffs, too.” Artemis released Stacy and Oliver, and then took out his ticket book and started to scribble.

  Peg said, “Go easy on them.”

  “I am,” he said. “Total comes to twenty-three hundred dollars. Payable by mail. If you want to contest the fine, you can schedule a hearing with the county clerk in White River Junction.”

  “This is extortion!” said Stacy. “You bet I’m going to contest this ticket. And I’m going to demand that the judge hands me your badge on a plate.”

  Artemis said to Peg, “Sound familiar?” Peg nodded. Stacy’s outburst was practically word for word what Peg had said to him at the fair. The disrespect, the condescension, the snottiness. Peg was embarrassed now that she’d ever spoken to Artemis that way.

  “Now you understand why I give heavy fines to people from New Jersey,” he said.

  “We are NOT from fucking New Jersey,” said Stacy.

  Artemis giggled—giggled!—and said to Peg, “I love how riled they get.”

  Another knock on the door. Peg threw it open, to find Nina and Jack standing outside. When Nina saw Peg, she gathering her in her arms. Peg sank into the familiar embrace. Jack patted her on the back. They weren’t a particularly affectionate family.

  Nina said, “Let me look at you. I’ll know in one second if you’ve been brainwashed.” Nina backed Peg up to arm’s length. “You look fantastic!” she shouted. “That tan! I’m so jealous. I’ve never been tan a day in my life. You’ve put on a few much-needed pounds, too. No puffiness around the eyes. And your bangs! They’ve grown out perfectly.”

  “No sign of starvation or sleep deprivation?” asked Peg.

  Jack said, “She does seem okay. Happy, in fact.”

  “Brainwashed!” said Oliver.

  “That’s another hundred dollars,” said
Artemis.

  Jack said, “You’re a police officer? I’m Jack Silver. I’m relieved to see you’re here and in control of the situation.”

  For Stacy’s benefit, Artemis said, “And I’m pleased to meet a flatlander who knows how to show the proper respect.”

  “Flatlander?”

  “Don’t ask,” said Peg.

  Peg clasped her best friend’s hand. “It’s excellent to see you, Nina,” she said. “You look great, too, with a glow that radiates from the inside. I’ve seen that look before, whenever you’ve been in love.”

  Nina gave Peg a warning glare. “We don’t like to throw that word around so early in a relationship, Peg.”

  Jack and Artemis, meanwhile, were standing in the corner together, confabbing. Artemis seemed to like him. Peg felt a welling of pride for her baby brother.

  Stacy approached the other two women. She asked Nina, “Did we discuss reimbursement of expenses?”

  Nina said, “I’ll pay your expenses, sure. How bad can they be? You left New York yesterday.”

  Stacy handed Nina the ticket from Artemis. Which Peg plucked out of Nina’s hand and put it in her pocket. She would deal with that later.

  Artemis and Jack were shaking hands, pumping hard, like drilling for oil in the space between them. Jack said, “Sheriff Call has explained everything to me, including the electrocution incident. It’s all been a terrible misunderstanding. He suggested we go to the restaurant across the street and have a drink together. He can get us the best table in the house—turns out, he knows the owner!” Jack seemed deeply impressed by that. Peg didn’t bother telling him that everyone in town knew the owner.

  The New Yorkers (plus Artemis) crossed Main Street to Poule au Dent. Peg lagged behind, yanking Artemis by his utility belt.

  She said, “About this ticket.”

  “What about it?”

  “Can you rip it up?”

  “Once I write a ticket, there’s a copy in my book. I have to account for it.”

  Peg said, “You threw out the ticket you wrote for me at the fair.”

  “That was a one-time thing,” said Artemis. “I wanted Linus to owe me.”

  “If you don’t rip it up, I’m going to pay the fine myself.”

  “You’re paying the fine for the people who kidnapped you and trussed you up like a hog?”

  “It seems like the right thing to do.”

  “Don’t get righteous on me, Peg,” he said. “You’ll take the fun out of harassing flatlanders.” He paused. “Give me the ticket.”

  She handed it over. He tore it in half and put the ripped paper in the trash at Poule au Dent.

  He said, “Now you owe me.”

  That made Peg smile. She felt like she’d made her first Vermont trade (God knows what she could do to repay Artemis—maybe cut back his peonies?). Contrary to Wilma’s thesis, Peg wasn’t an isolationist-by-choice. She wanted to fit in, and if Artemis and Albert (who greeted her like a bosom buddy) were any indication, she would do just fine in Manshire.

  Peg first introduced Jack and Nina to Albert. “And here we have Stacy and Oliver. My kidnappers,” she added.

  Albert said, “I heard about the kidnapping on the police scanner. Must have been quite an ordeal, wrassling Peg to the ground. I guess the two of you need a stiff drink. I’ve got fantastic Polish vodka on ice in the bar out back. Right this way.”

  They did shots. Artemis, Albert and Jack lit cigars. Stacy and Oliver sat at a table on the porch, holding hands and assuring each other that they’d done a swell job. Peg and Nina sat at the bar.

  Nina said, “This is like old times.”

  “Not that old,” said Peg. “It’s been only three weeks.”

  Peg gave Nina a succinct description of her country life thus far, including the ups and downs of her quasi-romance with Linus.

  Nina stopped her at the couch incident. “God smite, you took advantage of him!” she said, outraged. “Sounds very sexy. I should try that with Jack.”

  By the time Peg finished recounting Wilma’s speech at the Disemboweled Wolf, she was exhausted. She’d had a long day at the end of long month (at the end of a long decade). No way was she going back to the Federal—ever again. Not after the way Wilma spoke to her. Not after what she’d learned about Linus. It made Peg’s dirty brain throb.

  She said, “I need sleep. Can I stay at the Inn with you tonight?”

  Nina said, “Of course.” To Jack, she said, “We’re going across the street.”

  Jack said, “Mind if I finish my cigar?”

  “Not at all,” said Nina. To Peg, she said, “I think Jack was as excited about the trip to Vermont as he was to rescue you.”

  Stacy and Oliver stood up, too. From the way they leaned against each other, Peg could tell they were looking forward to getting back to their room at the Inn as well.

  Oliver said, “If it’s okay with you, Nina, we’ll stay tonight, and drive back in the morning.”

  “The room’s paid for,” said Nina. “Might as well.”

  That was when Linus’s pickup sped into the restaurant driveway. He parked, jumped out and rushed toward them.

  Nina said, “Is that him?”

  “Yup,” said Peg.

  “He’s hot,” said Stacy. “I would’ve let him brainwash me, too.”

  Nina said, “Want Jack to beat him up?”

  “Give me two minutes,” said Peg.

  Peg walked toward Linus. She made sure she stayed out of hugging range.

  Linus said, “Albert just called me.”

  “Nice hat,” she said. “I need a sweater.”

  “Who are these people?” he asked, looking over her shoulder at Nina, Stacy and Oliver.

  She ignored the question. “For the ten minutes I was kidnapped, I got the chance to do a lot of thinking,” said Peg.

  “Me, too,” he said.

  “I’m going to stay in Manshire. But I’m leaving the program.”

  “But there’s another week to go,” he said.

  “Can you ask Tracy to pack my stuff and bring it to the farm tomorrow? Maybe Ben can drive my car out, too.”

  He said, “I’ll do it myself.”

  “Tracy and Ben can do it.”

  “Let me.”

  She said, “No, Linus. I don’t want you. To.”

  He stared at her. She stared back. He said, “I knew Wilma would try sabotage.”

  “Sabotage what, exactly?” asked Peg.

  “You know what,” he said.

  “You mean our ‘ethically despicable’ attraction?” she asked. “Which may or may not exist?”

  “Wilma is angry and hurt about the breakup,” he said. “I don’t know what she told you tonight, but you’ve got to give me a chance to defend myself.”

  “Your name didn’t come up.”

  “I am attracted to you, Peg,” he said. “I felt it the first time I saw you.”

  “If I made such an impression,” she said, “then what was I wearing that night?”

  “I only saw your face,” he said, smiling. “And your overly developed calf muscles.”

  Nina appeared at her side. She nodded curtly at Linus and said, “Let’s go, Peg.”

  “Please wait,” said Linus.

  Nina linked arms with Peg, and led her away.

  At the door of the Inn, Peg glanced back across the street at Linus, standing in the restaurant parking lot, next to his pickup, watching her, looking very much alone in the world, which was, according to Wilma, just how he liked it.

  Chapter 32

  “I’m moving in,” said Jack, on the morning of his third day at Peg’s farmhouse, nearly furnished now with an eclectic mix of Wal-Mart’s finest, Vermont Salvage pieces and antique fixer-uppers. It had been a frantic, expensive three days for Peg. Good thing. She was too busy shopping to think about Linus.

  “Moving in where?” asked Peg, bare feet up on the deck railing, sitting in her new teak patio chair, a mug of Green Mountain Coffee in her hands.
“Here?”

  “You’re the one who’s been telling me to get my own place,” he said.

  “But this is my place,” said Peg. “You want to leave Mom and Dad’s to shack up with your sister?”

  Jack sat down on the twin chair next to Peg. He said, “This place, this town. It feels right. After wringing that chicken’s neck at the Burnetts’ yesterday, I knew I’d found my true home.” Peg had sent him down the road to her neighbor’s organic chicken ranch to buy a dozen eggs. He’d returned covered in feathers, with a bag of fresh kill.

  Peg said, “You pay half of all expenses.”

  Jack whooped. “I’ll call Mom today and have her ship my stuff.”

  “She’s not going to like this.”

  “She’ll love it,” he said.

  He was right. Peg and Jack hadn’t been close as kids—or as adults. Maybe this was their time to get to know each other. Besides, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing to have a man around to chop wood and shovel snow. Jack had savings (all those years of not paying rent). He could quit his corporate job, help her with the perennials. Live cheaply.

  Nina appeared in the deck threshold. She yawned and stretched sexily, and padded outside in a camisole and tap pants. “I love the privacy up here,” she said. “I can walk around—outside—in lingerie, and no one knows or cares.”

  “I care,” said Peg.

  “So do I,” said Jack, grinning. “I’d care even more if you walked around naked.”

  Peg said, “Are you moving in, too?”

  Nina stopped suddenly. “Who else is moving in? Jack?”

  Jack glared at his sister. “You didn’t tell her?” Peg asked.

  He said, “Nina, baby, look at those mountains! Listen to the birds! Smell that mint!”

  Nina’s lips quivered. She sniffled and ran back into the house. Jack said to Peg, “I’m still moving in,” before he ran after his girlfriend.

  Crunch of gravel in the driveway. Peg figured it was Tracy. She’d been stopping by every day to deliver the daily Inward Bound news. Yesterday morning, Tracy brought hot croissants and great gossip.

  “Wilma left in the dark of night,” she’d reported. “We just found out. Gloria and I slept late, and wandered into the kitchen looking for breakfast. But there wasn’t anything to eat. And I mean, nothing. Wilma cleaned out the fridge and pantry. She stole the food. Every last morsel.”