The Secret Letter

by Kerry Barrett

  ‘You said your father died?’

  I nodded as he guided me up the stairs to a teashop. ‘He died five years ago.’

  Joseph took off his hat and jacket and hung them on the rack by the door. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said.

  I shrugged. ‘My father wasn’t the man we thought he was. He wasn’t as honest as he might have been.’

  Joseph looked uncomfortable and I was quick to reassure him.

  ‘He wasn’t a criminal,’ I said. No, the only criminal in our family, was me. ‘He was bad with money and he gambled what he had – all in secret of course – and then he borrowed from some people he shouldn’t have borrowed from. When he died, he left my mother to pick up the pieces.’

  I felt my mood darken at the thoughts of my family, and shook myself. ‘But let’s not talk about them. I worked up a big appetite on my way over here. I fancy a big slice of Victoria sponge.’

  I hoped I could eat cake. My stomach was still not as strong as it should be, after my time in jail, and sometimes rich food made me feel nauseous.

  ‘What about you?’

  Joseph grinned at me again. ‘Ooh the same, I think. And a nice pot of tea.’

  As we waited for our order to arrive, we chatted about the weather, and Joseph told me about his brother’s children – twin boys who were a handful by the sound of it. It was all so normal, so calm and ordinary, that I felt myself relaxing and the knots in my stomach that had been there since Father died becoming less tight.

  ‘I’d love for you to meet the kids,’ Joseph said, beaming at me. ‘I think they’d love you.’

  ‘I’d like that too.’

  He reached across the table and took my hand, and I froze, unsure how to react.

  ‘Esther, I think you’re marvellous,’ he said. ‘And I think it was fate that threw you in front of me that day.’

  I chuckled. ‘It was an uneven paving slab.’

  ‘Oi! I’m trying to be romantic here.’

  He stroked the back of my hand gently and my stomach twisted with a strange kind of hunger. I liked the way he was touching me. I wanted him to touch me more. I stared at him, not sure what I should say in case I said something wrong.

  ‘I was trying to say that I know we’ve only just met, but I feel like we’ve known each other for years,’ Joseph went on.

  ‘I feel the same,’ I managed to stutter. My voice sounded odd.

  ‘Do you think I could persuade you to be my girl?’ he said. ‘Official, like?’

  I couldn’t be his girl. How on earth would that work? How could he introduce me to his friends at the police station? How could I bring him to meet Agnes and the WSPU? It was like we were Montagues and Capulets. And yet, I was smiling so broadly, I thought my cheeks would split.

  ‘I would like that very much,’ I found myself saying.

  The waitress put our food down in front of us and Joseph let go of my hand. My fingers felt cold where he was no longer touching them.

  In the end, I didn’t find out if I could stomach the cake because my appetite had deserted me. All I could think about was Joseph, and the way his hand had felt on mine, and how his hands might feel on other parts of me. I was shocked at the way my mind was going, but I thought he was feeling the same because I felt his leg press up against mine under the table.

  ‘I could walk you home?’ he said, as we paid for our tea and left a sixpence under the plate for a tip for the waitress.

  I shook my head vigorously.

  ‘Too far,’ I said. ‘But to the bus stop, perhaps?’

  He took my hand and we walked together, our bodies touching, back towards the police station where we’d met. But as we passed a small alleyway, Joseph ducked down it and pulled me with him.

  ‘Joseph,’ I said, laughing but also slightly nervous. ‘What are you doing?’

  He turned so he was facing me and gathered me into his arms.

  ‘I’m doing this,’ he said. He bent his head down and kissed my lips, softly at first then with more pressure.

  I leaned back against the wall of the alley, light-headed and weak-legged with longing. So, this was what all the fuss was about? I thought. Finally I understood.

  Joseph kissed my neck and I almost fainted with the sensation it gave me. My cheeks were hot.

  ‘Esther Whitehouse,’ he whispered into my ear, his breath ragged against my skin. I felt a twinge of guilt about him using my false name but I pushed it away as Joseph kissed me again. ‘I believe I could fall in love with you,’ he said.

  Chapter 19

  Esther

  I felt as though I was walking on air all the way home. I almost wanted to dance as I hurried back to Agnes’s house, because I was filled with such happiness I thought it might burst out of me at any time.

  ‘Good afternoon,’ I sang to people I passed. ‘Hello, what a lovely day.’

  As I approached home, practically skipping across the road, a hand grabbed my arm.

  ‘Look at your grin,’ Minnie said to me, peering at my face with something akin to suspicion. ‘What are you looking so happy about?’

  I tried to look aloof and mysterious but I couldn’t help letting out a little bubble of laughter. Minnie gasped.

  ‘Is it him? Your bloke? What’s he done?’

  Feeling like a giddy schoolgirl, which frankly was a welcome change from the last few months of feeling like a decrepit, world-weary criminal, I flung my arms round Minnie and squealed.

  ‘He asked me to be his girl, officially,’ I said.

  ‘Did you say yes?’

  ‘Of course, I did. He’s perfect.’

  Minnie squeezed me tightly. ‘I’m coming to see Agnes. Let’s walk and you can tell me everything.’

  Arm in arm, we strolled along the street at a snail’s pace, Minnie firing questions at me.

  ‘What does he look like?’

  ‘Strong,’ I said in glee. ‘Tall, broad shoulders …’

  Minnie groaned in delight. ‘Hair colour?’

  ‘Sort of dark blond. Freckles. Blue eyes.’

  ‘Your children will be so lovely.’

  ‘Minnie,’ I protested, but not too much. I’d already daydreamed about our future children, hoping they would inherit Joseph’s looks and not my mousy hair and sludgy green eyes.

  ‘I’m madly envious,’ Minnie was saying. ‘Who’ve I got wooing me? Just Gloomy Gilbert from the shop, who sees the bad side in everyone and everything.’

  Poor Minnie was being romanced by one of the assistants in the shop where she worked. She said he had a way of seeing the world as a cross he had to bear and she had resisted his advances. But I secretly thought she talked about him a lot considering she wasn’t interested in spending time with him.

  ‘Joseph might have a friend who’d suit you,’ I said as we climbed the steps to Agnes’s front door. ‘Someone just as strong and handsome as he is.’

  Minnie clutched the doorframe dramatically. ‘But what would Gloomy Gilbert think?’ she gasped.

  We were both giggling as John opened the door. He frowned at us with the sort of disapproval only a ten-year-old boy could provide.

  ‘Mother was wondering where you’d got to,’ he said. ‘But I heard you coming along the street.’

  ‘Were we too loud?’ I teased, ruffling his hair as I went past. ‘I know a boy who can be very noisy when he wants to be.’

  John ducked away from my hand, making a pretend fierce face at me. ‘I’ll tell Mother you’re here.’

  ‘She can probably hear us,’ said Minnie, and we both laughed some more.

  Agnes appeared in the hall. ‘Girls, I need you to take some leaflets,’ she said, looking at us curiously. ‘Are you up to mischief?’

  I smiled. ‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘Just letting off some steam. I’ll take my coat upstairs and be with you in a minute.’

  Winking at me over her shoulder, Minnie followed Agnes into the front room. I hugged my coat to me as I went up to my room, feeling like a new woman. I had more ene
rgy and vim than I’d had since long before I went to jail. Since before my father died, really. I had friends, and a family of sorts, and now I had Joseph. Things were good.

  In the lounge, there was a hubbub of activity as Agnes coordinated the distribution of leaflets advertising a WSPU meeting at Caxton Hall. Minnie was looking sulky.

  ‘I thought we weren’t doing much now?’ she said. ‘Because of the bill.’

  Agnes slapped her on the behind with a pile of papers.

  ‘The fight is not won until it’s won,’ she said. ‘I don’t trust that slippery Mr Asquith as far as I can throw him.’

  I grinned at her description of our prime minister, who was not a supporter of our efforts.

  ‘We may have called a halt – a temporary halt – to our militant activities, but that does not mean we are staying quiet,’ Agnes said, gesturing wildly with her hands. ‘We are close, but not there yet. We must keep up the pressure.’

  ‘Give them here, then,’ I said, holding out my hands for a pile of leaflets. ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘Simply spreading the word, darling,’ said Agnes. ‘Spreading the word. Mrs P needs us to leaflet south of the river. She’s keen to have a good turn-out at the meetings over the summer so everyone remembers we’re still here.’

  I nodded. South of the river was fine by me – I was happy as long as I didn’t have to go east, towards Whitechapel where I could risk seeing Joseph.

  I began sorting the leaflets into manageable piles, for women to take out, and tying the bundles with string, humming a little tune to myself as I did. This was a world away from the activities we’d done before. Breaking windows, like I’d done and been arrested for, or shouting at politicians, or causing trouble in all sorts of ways. It was calm. Nice. And, I couldn’t help thinking, something the police could not object to.

  If the bill was passed and some women were given the vote, as they were saying could happen, then maybe Joseph and I could be together. It might take a bit of persuasion for Minnie and the others to accept him. And no doubt my prison record could cause trouble with his friends. But perhaps they didn’t need to know about that. A little voice at the back of my mind told me I’d already lied to him. I’d already given him a fake name. But I ignored that, drowning out the objections with memories of Joseph’s kisses.

  After a short while I realised Agnes and Minnie were both staring at me, nudging each other.

  ‘What on earth has happened to her?’ Agnes was saying, watching me work. ‘Why is she so jolly?’

  ‘Tell Agnes why you’re so jolly, Esther,’ Minnie said.

  I felt my cheeks redden and Agnes pointed at me triumphantly.

  ‘Is it the chap you met in the street?’ she said. ‘I knew something was going on there.’

  ‘We met for tea and cake,’ I admitted.

  ‘And?’

  ‘And I like him.’

  Agnes clapped her hands. ‘How gorgeous,’ she said.

  ‘He asked her to be his girl,’ Minnie told her. ‘Officially.’

  Agnes raised her eyebrows at me. ‘Do I hear wedding bells?’

  ‘Oh stop,’ I said, squirming in their attention, but laughing all the same. ‘Stop it.’

  ‘Is he sympathetic to the cause?’ Agnes asked.

  I reddened even more. ‘I’m not sure exactly,’ I spluttered.

  ‘Have you talked about the WSPU?’ Agnes was strident in her support of we suffragettes and brought up the subject at any given opportunity. Minnie did too. We all did, because we believed so passionately in our cause. I was the same. Most of the time.

  I froze, looking from one of them to the other. ‘We mostly talked about other things,’ I said quietly. ‘About his family.’

  ‘Did you tell him you were in Holloway?’ Minnie said, all pretence of leaflet-sorting abandoned. ‘What did he say? Was he impressed? Even Gloomy Gilbert showed a bit of emotion when he found out I’d been inside.’

  I smiled, despite myself. ‘You told him?’

  ‘Thought it might put him off me,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘Fat bloody chance; He was actually rather impressed.’

  Agnes prodded me and I jumped.

  ‘Don’t change the subject, Esther,’ she scolded. ‘I don’t want to hear about Gloomy Gilbert, I want to hear about your chap. Your …?’

  ‘Joseph,’ I said, my grin broadening. ‘He’s called Joseph Fairbanks.’

  ‘What does he do?’

  I blinked at her. What should I say? Telling them he was a policeman wouldn’t go down well, not if I just blurted it out. I needed to think about how to tell them. Outside the back of the house, I heard a train rattle by and breathed in relief. ‘He works on the railway,’ I lied hurriedly.

  Agnes frowned. ‘Not an engine driver?’ She may have been a fervent supporter of women’s votes, but she could still be a bit of a snob, my employer.

  I shook my head. ‘In an office,’ I said. ‘Not sure what he does exactly.’

  ‘Pen pusher,’ Minnie said in disdain, then she brightened up. ‘Good prospects, though. To see you right.’

  ‘I earn my own money,’ I said, feeling prickly all of a sudden. ‘Just as you do. We don’t need Gilbert or Joseph to look after us.’

  Agnes nodded her agreement. ‘Well said, Esther.’

  I turned my attention back to the leaflets.

  ‘When can we meet him?’ Minnie said. ‘Your Joseph?’

  I neatened a pile, not looking up. ‘Meet Joseph?’ I said. ‘Oh, I’m not sure yet. It’s still early days. Don’t want to frighten him off.’

  Agnes put her hand on top of the leaflets I was fiddling with and I looked up and met her gaze.

  ‘We don’t know this man,’ she pointed out. ‘It’s not like when I was courting my John. I’d known him for years because my mother was friends with his mother. This Joseph may be handsome and charming but none of us know him from Adam.’

  I opened my mouth to speak and assure her that Joseph was a fine, upstanding citizen, but she shushed me.

  ‘Just be very careful, is all I’m saying, Esther,’ she said. ‘Tread carefully, because you know nothing about him yet.’

  I nodded. ‘I will,’ I said. ‘I promise.’

  But, I thought, as I tied a loop of string round my pile. The real problem wasn’t that I knew nothing about Joseph, it was rather that he knew nothing about me.

  Chapter 20

  Lizzie

  2019

  ‘How’s your hand?’ Danny asked me. We’d moved on to the sofa at some point, I wasn’t completely sure when, but we’d not progressed past kissing, which was something of a relief, actually. I wasn’t sure I was ready for anything more. Not yet.

  ‘Is it still painful?’

  The moment broken, I looked down at my hand in slight confusion. I’d actually forgotten about my burn.

  ‘Much better,’ I said. I shifted on the sofa awkwardly, suddenly feeling embarrassed to have been snogging like a teenager. Danny did the same, obviously having the same sense of being caught doing something naughty.

  ‘Danny,’ I began, just as he said: ‘Lizzie.’

  We both laughed.

  ‘You first,’ he said.

  ‘No, you go first.’

  We smiled at each other and Danny gently ran a finger down the side of my face. ‘I like you, Lizzie,’ he said. ‘I think we could have something here.’

  ‘But?’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘There’s a but?’

  ‘Sounds like it,’ I said. ‘And, I think I have one too.’

  ‘Cara is my but.’

  I nodded.

  ‘She has to come first,’ Danny said. ‘Lord knows I spent long enough not putting her – or her mother – first. I can’t make the same mistake over and over.’

  Once again I thought how badly Sophie seemed to have misjudged him. It made me like him even more.

  ‘And there’s work, which is …’ He paused. ‘A bit shit at the moment.’

  I understan
d,’ I said, though I wasn’t sure I did. Was he saying this couldn’t happen, even though he was the one who’d asked me out?

  ‘What’s yours?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Your but.’

  I took a breath. ‘I am still bruised from my divorce,’ I said. ‘Wounded. I need time. Not a lot,’ I added hurriedly. ‘But time.’

  Danny looked relieved, which was odd. ‘I thought you were going to say you didn’t want to see me at all.’

  ‘Is that not what you were saying?’

  ‘God, no. I just meant we need to take things slowly.’

  I couldn’t help smiling. ‘Brilliant,’ I said. ‘I thought you were dumping me.’

  Danny took my hand – the one that wasn’t burned. ‘We’ll do this the old-fashioned way. Dinners, walks, lots of talking. Get to know each other properly.’

  ‘Sounds perfect.’

  He looked away from me for a second, then back into my eyes. ‘You’ve got a lot on, with school,’ he said. ‘And like I say, work is complicated. And I’ve got Cara and believe me, that girl has a very busy social life. I’m forever dropping her at trampolining, or picking her up from parties. She’s like a Kardashian.’

  ‘I’m not sure the Kardashians do much trampolining.’

  ‘Oh, they do,’ Danny said, wisely. ‘Trust me.’

  I laughed. ‘The life of a single dad, eh?’

  ‘It’s a good life,’ he said. ‘Most of the time.’ He stood up and picked up his jacket. ‘I should go.’

  I stood too, and he kissed me gently on the lips.

  ‘It’s been great. Thanks for feeding me.’

  ‘Thanks for taking me to the council. It was really helpful.’

  I showed him to the door and watched him walk off down the street. The family who lived opposite me were all walking up their path to the front door, teenage son trailing behind. The mother looked over at me curiously and I gave her a cheery wave. Then, to stop the inevitable gossip, I called after Danny: ‘Thanks for dropping off that stuff.’

  He looked round at me and shrugged, and the teenage son opposite turned to stare at me, then winked. What a cheek. Glad that it was dark now, so no one could see my blushes, I scurried back inside and shut the door. What a day.