The Beef Princess of Practical County

by Michelle Houts

  By “new” she meant “just came in.” Nothing in Another Man's Treasure was really new.

  “Thanks, but there isn't anything I need. Really.”

  “Oh? Well, how about purses? You girls are always carrying the cutest little bags around. Come over here, dear, and let me show you.”

  I started to protest, but she had already come from behind the counter to take me over to where she had dozens of handbags displayed. Most of them looked like ones that had belonged to my grandmother, ones that Mom used to let me play with when I was little. I remembered filling them with Ronnie's Hot Wheels.

  “Oh, thanks, but I have lots of purses.”

  That was a lie. But it was told with good intentions. I really needed to get out of there. I turned toward the door, and that was when I saw it. It was hanging on a hanger just inside the door. I must have walked right by it when I came in.

  Mrs. Nipper never missed a sign that someone might be interested in something.

  “Do you like that, dear? Well, it looks like your size. I just got it in. Cute as a button, isn't it? And a steal at fourteen ninety-nine, don't you think?”

  She took the dress from where it hung and held it up to me.

  “Take it in the dressing room. Go on now.”

  She nearly pushed me behind the curtain. The dress was so simple and pretty. A plain, light blue sleeveless dress. No ruffles, no lace, no feathers! Oh, it would be a miracle if it fit. Slowly, I put it on. So far, so good. I reached for the side zip-per and pulled it up with ease. It fit!

  I turned toward the mirror and took a long look. Unlike Frannie, who would wear a church dress to the barn if she were allowed, I had fought anything but blue jeans since I was a toddler. But this simple pale blue dress was like nothing I'd ever worn before. I stared at my reflection and actually liked what I saw. The sleeveless top showed off my arms and shoulders, which glowed with a midsummer tan. And the skirt shimmered just a tiny bit as it flowed gracefully to the floor, where it fell with a couple of inches of extra material.

  Mom could take it up, I thought. But then I had another idea. I stood on my toes until the hem just brushed the floor. I would wear heels. Nothing fancy, I told myself, but my mind pictured something silvery with just the tiniest bit of glitter, maybe.

  Everything was perfect. I played with my mousy brown hair. Even it didn't look so dull against that fabulous dress.

  “Libby? Are you all right in there, dear?”

  “Yes, Mrs. Nipper,” I answered. “I'll be right out.”

  I took one last look at the perfect dress and quickly changed.

  “I'll take it,” I told Mrs. Nipper when I came out of the dressing room. I gave her the twenty-dollar bill. She handed me the change, put the dress into a bag, and talked me to the door.

  “Libby, dear, do tell your mother I said hello and tell her she can drop off anything anytime. Take care, dear, and stop back in when you need a new purse….”

  I could still hear her talking when I got out onto the sidewalk. I had solved the pageant dress dilemma all on my own, and I was feeling pretty good about it.

  Now to the Feed and Seed. I prayed that fly spray was less than five dollars.

  I turned to my left and found myself face to face with Precious, Lil, and Ohma Darling.

  “What do we have here?” Precious sang. “Libby Ryan, coming out of the thrift store?”

  “Yeah,” Lil chimed in. “I bet she buys all her clothes there.”

  “I bet she buys all of our old clothes there,” Precious said with a laugh.

  Suddenly a terrible thought occurred to me. What if the dress, the perfect dress, had once belonged to the Darlings? My panic was brief, however, as I realized that it was likely far too ordinary a dress for them to have ever worn.

  “Actually, I was just taking in some things my mom wanted to donate….”

  Why was I making excuses? What business was it of theirs if I did buy everything I owned there?

  “Well then,” said Precious, making a move toward me. “What's in the bag, Libby?”

  I quickly shoved the bag behind my back. The last thing I needed was the Darlings picking apart the dress I had chosen for the pageant. Precious's grab for the bag missed, much to my relief, but Lil's reach was right on. She snatched the bag.

  “Here, catch,” Lil shrieked, and threw it high in the air, right over Ohma's head. It landed on the sidewalk behind her.

  Ohma turned and lumbered toward the bag, but I was quicker, diving belly first on the cement for it before Ohma could get there.

  I sat on the sidewalk, bag in hand and blood running down my knees.

  “You idiot!” Precious and Lil screamed in unison. I looked up to see it wasn't me but their sister Ohma they were yelling at.

  “Shut up,” Ohma grumbled.

  I stood, ready for the confrontation to be over, but Precious was just gearing up for another round.

  “You ready for the fair, Libby? How did your pathetic little calves turn out?”

  “Wait, Precious,” Lil piped up. “Didn't we hear that one of Libby's calves didn't even make it?”

  The mention of Piggy infuriated me. Was nothing private? Even in a place like Nowhere, you would expect that some things could be kept out of the rumor mill.

  “Yeah, that's right.” Precious nodded. “I heard she poisoned it with bad feed.”

  Well, it seemed the rumor mill wasn't always accurate. I'd had enough.

  “Not even close, girls,” I started. I wanted to say more, but tears were burning my eyes. The Darlings could push me around all they wanted, and I would stay strong, but bringing up Piggy was a low blow. “I have to go.”

  I took a step around them, clutching the bag tightly.

  “We don't care what's in your stupid bag, Ryan!” Precious yelled as I walked away.

  I was nearly out of earshot when I heard Lil say, “I bet it's her dress for the Beef Princess pageant!”

  They burst into laughter at Lil's ridiculous suggestion, and I hurried down to the Feed and Seed. I felt the heat in my face rising with every step. It took a lot of nerve for the Darling sisters to speak to me about how to raise a steer.

  I got the fly spray for $3.29 plus tax, and I headed back to meet Mom and Frannie. Mom thought the dress was just right.

  “It's you, Libby!” she exclaimed when I showed it to her, but my own enthusiasm had been zapped.

  When we got home, I stuffed the dress, bag and all, into the back of my dresser drawer. But before I went to bed, I got out the bag, smoothed the wrinkles out of the dress, and hung it in my closet. I wasn't going to let those three dumb Darlings ruin the perfect pageant dress or my desire to beat them. Within the next week, I would have two chances to put them in their places. Once in the show arena and once again in the pageant. And I just couldn't let them come away victorious in either one.

  The first day of the Practical County Fair came as it always did. The big parade headed down Nowhere's Main Street and ended at the front gate of the fairgrounds, where Mayor Thompson made his opening comments and the marching band played and the Beef Princess, aka someone with the last name of Darling, fulfilled her first official fair duty and cut the ribbon, opening the fair to the public.

  Mom, Frannie, and I had been in that crowd in recent years, keeping time with the band and cheering on Mayor Thompson, but this year, Mom and Frannie had to get along without me. I was way too busy packing the show box, rinsing Mule, and making final adjustments to the show equipment.

  * * *

  Earlier that morning Dad, Carol Ann, and I made a quick trip to the fairgrounds to set up Mule's stall in the beef barn. Carol Ann and I walked around the barn to see who was exhibiting. The Darling girls’ “stuff” had already made an appearance. Three enormous pink and purple show boxes with DARLING FARMS across the top had been forklifted in the day before. The Darlings had staked out their position at the end of the barn most accessible to the public. Huge pink and purple polka-dotted banners hung over th
e stalls where their steers would stand mostly unattended all week while the two older Darlings giggled their way around the fair-grounds and Ohma growled if anyone so much as looked at her cross-eyed.

  This year there were curtains to match the banners. I caught Carol Ann's eye as we watched Mrs. Darling nailing purple polka-dotted curtains to the walls above the windows near their stalls. Carol Ann gave me the I-think-I'm-going-to-gag look as we hurried past. We got away just in time. Behind us we could hear the arrival of the three Darling daughters. I glanced back in time to see Lil adjusting her sash and tiara. No doubt cutting the ribbon had been a difficult task.

  Carol Ann and I hurried back to the other end of the beef barn, where bedding for Mule had been spread and Dad was setting up an enormous fan to keep him comfortable in the late-July heat.

  “There we go,” said Dad as he plugged the fan in and watched it whir until there was a good breeze going. He turned to Carol Ann and me.

  “Looks like the fair is ready for Mule. You two ready to go with me to get him?”

  “You bet,” I answered. Being there and seeing the barns all prepared was exciting. I couldn't wait to get Mule settled in.

  At home, Carol Ann and I spent a few minutes with Mule in his pen while Dad hitched the livestock trailer to the pickup.

  “Are you ready to go to the fair, Mule?”

  I spoke to him while Carol Ann braided his long, curly tail. At over twelve hundred pounds, he was tame as could be.

  “Do you think he understands what you're saying, Libby?” Carol Ann asked.

  “Probably not,” I answered. “But he likes my voice. He always listens, whether he understands or not.”

  I brushed his side and rubbed behind his ears. I heard Dad backing the trailer up to the barn.

  “This is it, Lib,” Dad said as he opened the back of the trailer. I couldn't help but think of another time when the trailer had been in that same spot, and Piggy was the one being loaded. “Any doubts?”

  Doubts? Of course I had doubts. This whole year had been about doubts. Back at Granddad's pasture last September I had doubted that Mule would amount to much, but just look at the awesome steer that stood before me now. I had doubted I'd ever like Mule half as much as Piggy, and he had won my heart.

  “Actually, I think Mule is a fine steer. And he just may be the best chance the Ryan family has ever had at Grand Champion. So, let's load him up and see how he does.”

  “That's my girl!” Dad patted me on the shoulder.

  I led Mule into the back of the trailer. And we were off. Off to the Practical County Fair.

  The beef show didn't begin until the third day of the fair, so the second day was the perfect time for me to run around and see what there was to see. Carol Ann and I made our way to the midway as soon as morning chores in the beef barn were done.

  The summer sun had the temperature well past eighty degrees by late morning. The Practical County Fair had a tendency to fall on the hottest days of the year.

  Lots of people were on the fairgrounds already, probably taking in the sights before the afternoon heat set in. We saw Karen Elliott and found out she'd brought an Angus steer this year, too. We had to duck behind the Future Farmers of America tent to avoid Mr. Turner, the oldest, crabbiest math teacher at the middle school. We would see him soon enough when school started next month.

  As we came around the front of the FFA tent, giggling and celebrating our successful avoidance of Mr. Turner, we ran smack-dab into Ohma Darling.

  We stopped laughing.

  “Watch where you're going, would you?” Ohma snapped.

  “We're sorry,” Carol Ann said sincerely. “We didn't see you there.”

  “Yeah, right,” Ohma growled. “How can you miss me?”

  She shoved right between Carol Ann and me, leaving us speechless for a minute.

  “I swear,” I said finally, “that girl is one of the grumpiest people I know.”

  “One of?”

  “I wonder what makes her so unpleasant.”

  “I don't know,” Carol Ann replied. “Maybe it's repressed anger from her childhood. Or a chemical imbalance. There have been studies, you know, that—”

  “Carol Ann.”

  “What?”

  “This is my day to have fun at the fair. Let's not analyze Ohma's social challenges.”

  Carol Ann agreed.

  “Unless—”

  “Oh, no you don't. The only thing I want to analyze is the positive effect of fair food on my mood!”

  “Well, then, let's go!” Carol Ann suggested. “What should we try first? Funnel cakes? Deep-fried Twinkies?”

  At noon we each bought an all-day ride pass. We agreed that the Super Loop after funnel cakes might not be such a good idea, so we decided to try out something a little less nauseating: the bumper cars.

  The line was short and the ride operator had already let some people on when we got to the bumper cars.

  “You just made it,” he told us, holding open the gate and motioning to the last two empty cars. We sat down and strapped ourselves in as the ride geared up.

  I hit reverse in my sparkling green sports car just as Carol Ann did the same in her blue one, and our back bumpers tapped.

  “I'm coming after you!” Carol Ann yelled over the noise of the ride, driving her car full speed ahead.

  I quickly turned around and tried to get in behind her.

  From out of nowhere, a red car smacked hard into my right side, knocking me sideways in my seat. I turned to see Precious Darling in huge white sunglasses, and she was backing up to hit me again.

  No way was I going to let her do that. I made a quick turn and scanned the bumper cars for Carol Ann. I couldn't believe my eyes. She was in the corner, wedged between the railings and two cars, driven by none other than Ohma and Lil! How dare they go after my best friend?

  “I'm coming, Carol Ann!” I hollered.

  Carol Ann was frantically trying to reverse her vehicle, but it was no use. Every time she backed up even an inch, the cars belonging to both Darlings shoved her back into the corner.

  I planned my attack carefully. Lil would be easier to knock away than Ohma, so I headed straight for Lil's silver car. I was right. She saw me coming and screamed, putting her car into reverse to avoid me. That left an open shot at Ohma's purple car. Carol Ann was finally free from the corner, so she spun around and headed after Lil, who could be heard shrieking, “No, no! Don't hit me! No!”

  Ohma was making a getaway, glancing over her shoulder. She knew I was behind her. I was almost there, ready to knock her good, when I was slammed from the right.

  Ugh! It was Vicious Darling again in her white shades and red car. I backed up and saw Carol Ann motion to me to head her way. I don't know if Carol Ann's amazing mind engineered what happened next, or if we simply got incredibly lucky, but as Carol Ann sped toward me with Lil on her tail, I drove straight toward Carol Ann with Precious and Ohma on mine. When we were just inches apart, I heard her yell “Left!” so I whipped my car in one direction at the same moment she veered in the other.

  What resulted was head-on Darling devastation. Lil and Precious smacked so hard, Precious's sunglasses flew onto the floor. Ohma had no time to avoid her sisters and hit Precious at full speed, but not before obliterating the sun-glasses. The ride operator cut power to all cars as Carol Ann and I did a drive-by high five.

  When the whine of the ride ended and everyone got out of their seat belts and cars, the sisters’ bickering could be heard loud and clear.

  “Shut up, stupid.”

  “You shut up. You owe me a pair of sunglasses.”

  “Do not, idiot.”

  “I broke a nail!”

  Carol Ann and I left the ride laughing hysterically. That was the most fun I'd had in a while. It sure felt good to en-counter the Darlings and come out on top for once! It was definitely a feeling I could get used to.

  Back in the beef barn, we gave Mule fresh water and positioned his fan on him.
Heat like this was hard on the animals. The heat, along with the move from home to the fair, could stress out a steer.

  I had intended to go out the back door of the barn to avoid the Darling Farms exhibit and a possible run-in with the Mr. and Mrs., but I forgot until it was too late. We were headed straight for the polka-dotted curtains with a crowd of fairgoers behind us. We had no choice.

  It appeared we were lucky, because the Darling steers were lined up, three in a row beneath the pink and purple name signs, with not a soul around. We hesitated a moment to check them out. Ever since the Darlings showed up at Ryansmeade that evening last fall, bragging about their steers, I'd been curious to see just what they would bring to the Practical County Fair.

  Looking at the three animals before us, I wasn't very impressed. Precious's steer was jet-black, although his hair didn't have near the sheen Mule's had. He had a little white spot right in the middle of his forehead, which I thought looked just like the shape of Ohio. He looked a little under-weight for a market animal. Lil's steer was a reddish brown and white Hereford who desperately needed a good brushing and probably a good feeding as well. Ohma's steer, surprisingly, looked to be the best of the bunch. Maybe she had actually given hers a little attention. Still, he wasn't very well proportioned for a show steer. He wasn't anything to brag about, in my opinion.

  Carol Ann was surveying the three animals with a puzzled look.

  “Well, admittedly, I know very little about the bovine species, but don't these steers look pitiful to you?”

  “It's typical,” I explained. “The Darlings don't spend any time with their animals before or during the fair.”

  “And these girls are the crowned spokeswomen for the beef industry? That's pathetic!” Carol Ann cried. “Someone ought to do something about that!”

  “I don't see you signing up for a pageant, Carol Ann,” I teased. Between my best friend and my mother, I wasn't sure who wanted me in that Beef Princess pageant more. Ugh. I hadn't given the pageant much thought lately, and just mentioning it made my stomach turn.