Stuck With You

by Carla Burgess

  ‘I know, I’m not moping. It’s just that I have this really lovely memory of Daniel at the prom and I don’t want it ruined by memories of me being a complete dork or of him being a male slag.’

  ‘You did look very cute together at the prom. But he’s just one guy, and it was just one kiss a long time ago. There’s no point putting him on a pedestal and making yourself miserable over him. I never saw the appeal myself.’

  ‘Well, you had a crush on a different boy every week!’

  ‘Yes, and when I left sixth form I didn’t cry and mope for ages because I was missing one guy.’

  I sighed. ‘You’ve cried and moped about other guys since though.’

  ‘Well, yeah. But I try not to. They’re just men, after all. Go on in there.’ She pointed to the bathroom door. ‘Your bath’s nearly ready. I want to finish watching my programme.’

  ‘You’re so bossy!’

  ‘That’s right. I am.’ She smiled and pushed a pair of pyjamas into my arms.

  Rachel’s bathroom was as pretty as the rest of her house. A small mirrored alcove in the wall contained three pillar candles. I lit them with some matches I found on the windowsill and switched off the light. Slipping into the bath, I let the warm water lap around my aching limbs. The scrape on my leg stung for a moment, but then the pain went away and I relaxed. I closed my eyes, thinking about Daniel. I couldn’t believe that, out of all the people in this city, I had managed to get stuck in a lift with him. It already felt like a dream.

  I thought back to my college days. Rachel was right; I’d been obsessed with him and it had been painful watching him with other girls. I had loved him with every inch of my seventeen-year-old heart and soul. Loved him in that unconditional, unrequited way most girls afforded to pop stars and actors. While my friends had pictures of Take That taped to their walls, I had drawings of Daniel. I’d even photocopied the sixth-form photograph and enlarged it so I could see his face better. He’d been in my English class and I could barely utter a word in front of him.

  Thinking back now, I wasn’t sure why I’d felt like he was so unattainable. I had been quiet, shy and a bit clumsy (I was still clumsy, according to Alex), but looking at things through adult eyes, there was no real reason why he’d seemed so distant. I suppose it was all the hormones mixed in with my mental image of myself. I’d hero-worshipped him and turned him into an icon.

  It had been painful, loving him so fiercely and knowing he could never be mine. I suppose that was why the kiss had been so special. It had eclipsed everything; the painful longing and the crushing sadness afterwards.

  Maybe Rachel was right. I really didn’t need to reawaken my crush on Daniel. I’d been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Or rather, a box full of bad poetry and weird souvenirs.

  I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else, but I ended up thinking not of teenage Daniel, but of grown-up Daniel. He’d been nice. Really nice, in fact. And then, out of nowhere, a memory surfaced of his hand on my bum, pushing me up through the gap while the firemen pulled me out. I sat up, sloshing water. Oh, how mortifying. Let’s not go there.

  ***

  Rachel was already in bed when I got out of the bath. I climbed in beside her, settling down against her smooth black and pink sheets. Her walls were covered in big flowery wallpaper, of the kind that would have made Alex run for the hills.

  ‘I love your house,’ I said. ‘It’s all so girly. Our flat’s so miserable and grey compared to your house.’

  ‘Hmm. Well, you could either redecorate, or leave the boring bastard to his own miserable décor.’

  I giggled. ‘Rachel!’

  ‘Well, you already said it’s not going well.’

  Thinking about Alex made me feel miserable. I changed the subject.

  ‘So, I know you’ve got Patrick’s daughter this weekend, and you’re going away next weekend, but when am I going to meet him?’

  ‘I don’t know. He’s always working away so it’s a bit difficult to arrange something. Besides, we’re at the stage where I just want to keep him to myself when I do see him.’

  ‘Oh yeah? Saucy wench.’

  ‘Well, he is very sexy.’ She pulled the covers up to her chin and sighed. ‘You should see him in his work suit. He’s gorgeous. Anyway, have you set your alarm for morning? I take it you’ll be going home to get ready for work?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I took out my phone and set my alarm. ‘Thanks for letting me stay.’

  She smiled sleepily. ‘You’re welcome. I like having you stay; it reminds me of when we were younger and you used to sleep over. You’d talk about Daniel bloody Moore all night.’

  ***

  I’d expected to find it difficult to sleep or at least have nightmares about being stuck in the lift. But I slept soundly and deeply without dreaming at all. I drove to my flat as the sun came up. It was a beautiful morning; blue sky and birds singing in blossom-laden trees. Everything felt new and fresh. I let myself into the flat quietly, not wanting to disturb Alex so early in the morning.

  All of the window blinds were open and the flat was flooded with early morning sunshine. It felt unusually bright and empty. My footsteps sounded too loud on the laminate floor, and I slipped off my shoes before crossing the room to switch on the kettle. It was then that I noticed the bedroom door was open, the duvet undisturbed. Alex had obviously not been home last night.

  That was strange. Where was he? Perhaps he’d had too much to drink and stayed at a friend’s house? I’d told him to leave his car, after all. But on a week night? He never usually drank that much when he had work the next day. Not so much he couldn’t even get a taxi home.

  I checked my phone for messages but there were none from Alex. Quickly, I sent him a text asking if he was all right, then went to shower. I heard the front door open just as I was finishing.

  ‘Is that you, Alex?’

  I heard the footsteps pause and the clatter of keys landing on the kitchen table. Switching off the shower, I wrapped a towel around my head and put on my bathrobe.

  ‘Hello! Are you all right?’ Opening the door, I padded out into the lounge. Alex was standing with his back to me, looking out of the window at the road below.

  ‘Well,’ he said, turning slowly to face me. ‘It looks like I’ve been found out then, doesn’t it?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’ I blinked at him, rubbing a droplet of water from my cheek.

  ‘You’ve caught me out.’ He looked tired and dishevelled: blue rings beneath his grey eyes and his usually perfect hair sticking up in peaks. ‘I thought I’d be home before you, but now you know and I can’t hide it. I’m sorry. I’ve been with someone else.’

  Frowning, I removed the towel from my head in case I’d misheard. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I’ve been with someone else. I’m seeing someone else.’

  ‘Who? Another girl?’

  ‘Yes, another girl!’ he said, impatiently, like I was the stupidest woman in the world. Which, at that moment, I probably was. ‘Not just a girl. A woman. A beautiful, sophisticated, amazing woman.’

  I flinched as though he’d physically slapped me. Taking a step back, I stared at him, incredulous. What? What had he said? Had I heard him correctly? I couldn’t believe it. Alex was an attractive man and took a real pride in his appearance, but he never flirted with other women. He barely even looked at them. I’d never had reason to distrust him, and yet here he was, telling me he’d fallen in love with someone else. My chest felt hollow and I sucked in a couple of deep breaths, trying to fill it, trying to chase the feeling away. Why was I feeling like this when I had been thinking about ending it myself? Why did I feel so shocked?

  Alex stood and watched me, gnawing at his bottom lip. He’d never been good at dealing with emotions and was obviously finding this an uncomfortable experience.

  ‘Where did you meet?’ I said at last. My voice sounded strangulated and I sucked in another deep breath. My legs were shaking and my sk
in prickled from the cold chills that sliced through my body.

  ‘At work.’

  I blinked at him. ‘Who is she?’

  He shook his head. ‘You don’t know her.’ He turned away from me and stared out of the window instead. A pigeon had perched on the handrail of our balcony, its grey feathers ruffling in the morning breeze. It looked so normal and benign.

  ‘How long has it been going on?’

  ‘We’ve been… talking for a few months. Nothing physical. Well, not until last night anyway. I swear.’

  My stomach turned over. Months? So that’s why he’d been emotionally absent for a while. I cast around for something to say, but could think of nothing. My mind was blank. So, this was it then: the end. I waited for the anger and the tears, but I just felt numb.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he said, still staring out of the window. When I didn’t answer, he looked over his shoulder at me and frowned. ‘Elena? Say something, please.’

  He took a step towards me, but I spun away from him, and headed towards the bedroom.

  ‘I’ll move out.’

  Chapter Four

  I went to work. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to go to work, but I just felt like the world had to keep turning and that was the most normal thing to do. Of course, once I was at work, I realised I should be at home, packing up my stuff. There was no way I wanted to be doing it when Alex was there that evening. Although, to be fair, he would probably be with his new woman. Arriving at my desk, I greeted Hilary, my boss, in an overly cheerful and slightly manic way and sat down, feeling breathless. It felt like I had a belt around my chest, restricting my breathing.

  ‘Are you all right, Elena?’ She stood up and frowned at me over the partition wall. Her hair was a bushy mass of bright yellow frizz and her tiny face nestled in the middle. She wore so much mascara that her eyelashes looked like spider’s legs. ‘You look a bit… peaky.’

  ‘Oh, ermm…’ Taking a few deep breaths, I stared at my computer as it whirred into life, wondering if I should confide in her. She should probably know in case I had a delayed reaction and started sobbing at my desk. I still felt hollow and shaken. ‘I just broke up with Alex.’

  Her eyes widened in surprise. ‘Really? Why?’

  ‘He’s seeing someone else.’

  A box flashed up on the screen and I typed in my password.

  ‘But that’s awful, Elena. Why have you come into work? Shouldn’t you take some time to get yourself sorted?’

  I shrugged. ‘I needed something to do. Something normal to focus on. I’ve had a very strange twenty-four hours.’ I told her about getting stuck in the lift, omitting the fact that I’d had a crush on Daniel in my youth.

  ‘Oh my goodness! Elena, I really think you should go home.’

  I sat and blinked at my computer screen. ‘I suppose I don’t really have a home now.’

  ‘But shouldn’t you be packing? Trying to find somewhere? Where will you go?’

  ‘Probably to my parents’ house.’

  ‘Do you want to ring them? I still can’t believe you’ve come into work.’ She was shaking her head at me, dangly earrings jiggling.

  I shrugged miserably. ‘We hadn’t been getting on very well for a while,’ I said. ‘I was thinking of finishing with him anyway.’

  ‘But this must have come as a shock.’

  I nodded, mutely. ‘I’d rather be doing something normal right now though,’ I told her. ‘I’ll go home at lunchtime, if that’s all right?’

  ‘Go home as soon as you need, darling. There’s no point in you struggling on. Take some time to heal.’

  I smiled at her gratefully. She was such a lovely lady.

  I worked until lunchtime, ignoring my mobile phone, which kept pinging with messages in my bag. I forced myself to concentrate on work only, pushing all thoughts of Alex to the back of my mind. When lunchtime arrived, I said goodbye and went downstairs to my car, ready to drive home. A deep feeling of disquiet had settled in my gut, and my hands were shaking so much I could hardly fit my key in the ignition. It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real.

  Once again, the flat was empty when I let myself in. I filled my suitcase, a holdall and two plastic binbags full of clothes and shoes. I didn’t know what to do with all my books. And my cello. It was shocking to think of how much stuff I’d accumulated in the two years I’d been living here. Sitting down on the sofa, I looked at my mobile for the first time that day to see I had a text from Daniel.

  Hey, hope you got home okay last night and have recovered from our ordeal? Dan

  Without allowing myself to think too deeply about it, I sent a quick text back: Hi, yes, all fine. Thanks for everything, Elena x

  Oh shit! Had I just put a kiss at the end of the text? It was just a habit; I always signed off texts that way. I put my phone down before I could stress, but another text came through almost immediately.

  Good. Maybe we should set a date for next year to mark our one-year anniversary of getting stuck together? Same time, same place :)

  I stared at it for a moment. It was quite surreal to be getting texts from Daniel when I was packing up the remnants of my life with Alex.

  I wrote back: You’re on! See you next year.

  I had more messages from Rachel, but instead of texting her, I dialled her number and waited for her to answer.

  ‘Elena? I tried to phone you at work. Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m not there at the moment. I’m back at the flat. Packing up my stuff.’

  ‘Packing? Why?’

  I picked up a book and looked at its spine. ‘Alex is seeing someone else. He told me this morning.’

  ‘What? Oh no! Elena, that’s crazy! Do you need help? I can come now. We’re not busy and Bobbi can hold the fort.’

  I was about to say no when I realised that, actually, I really did need some help. She arrived a quarter of an hour later, just as I was lugging my suitcase to my car. She skidded to a halt and came running over to me, enveloping me in a hug.

  ‘Are you all right? Oh, honey! This is awful.’

  I shrugged. I still felt unnaturally hollow and sore inside and everything had taken on a surreal quality. The sky, the trees, the birds; everything felt too vivid, like I was in some high-definition film, acting out somebody else’s life. Even if I hadn’t been completely happy with Alex over the past few months, there was comfort in the boredom and I’d felt secure in my daily routine. This was like having my whole life torn up and thrown into the air; where and how the pieces would settle was anybody’s guess. I had to be brave though. ‘I knew there was something wrong, didn’t I? I said yesterday that it wasn’t right.’

  ‘I know, but this…’ Rachel indicated my suitcase with a look of dismay.

  ‘I have to admit, I didn’t expect this to happen. Or for him to have found another woman. And, you know, the thing is, he just blurted it out. He could have said he was at a friend’s house or anything and I’d have believed him.’ Fishing my key from my pocket, I clicked the button and the car flashed to say it was open. The case rumbled behind me as I dragged it over. ‘It’s for the best though. It wasn’t right and I could have wasted more time just thinking about leaving and being too scared to walk away. He’s made it easy for me to leave. I know that sounds cowardly.’ I shrugged and heaved my case into the boot of the car. It filled it. ‘I tell you what though; I never realised I had so much stuff. Or that my car was so small.’

  ‘Well, I’m here now.’ We looked at Rachel’s smart car and laughed. ‘Are we going to shred his suits?’ she asked as we made our way back up to the flat. ‘Or cut holes in his pants?’

  ‘No, nothing like that. I’m just going to leave.’

  ‘Really? You’re going to let him get away with this without a fight?’

  ‘What would I be fighting for? There’s no point making out like I’m heartbroken when I knew it wasn’t working. I was talking about ending it yesterday, wasn’t I? He�
��s been so grumpy and uncommunicative lately. Plus we barely see each other. We’re either at work or out, separately.’ I made my way slowly up the first flight of stairs.

  ‘Yes, but he’s seeing someone else. How long has he been seeing her? She’ll be the reason he’s been so grumpy and uncommunicative lately. That makes him a rat.’

  I shrugged, sadly. ‘Maybe he went off with her because things weren’t right with me. I mean, we were never the most passionate couple. Even when we first got together, he was never particularly affectionate or even that interested in having sex.’

  ‘Really?’ Rachel screwed up her face in disbelief as I unlocked the door to the flat. ‘What do you mean, not interested in sex?’

  ‘Well, we did it, obviously,’ I said, looking at the pile of stuff I still had to take down to the cars. Just the sight of them exhausted me. ‘But not as much as some people when they first get together. He was always tired from work.’

  ‘Work? He only works in a bank, Elena. It’s hardly physically demanding.’

  ‘I know. I just thought he had a low sex drive, that’s all.’ I bent to pick up a bin bag.

  ‘And did it not occur to you to mind?’

  ‘Not really. I just liked being with him. Maybe I always liked him more than he liked me.’

  Rachel grunted and picked up a box of books. ‘He must have liked you to let you move in with him. How did that happen, by the way? I can’t remember it even being a big thing?’

  ‘No, it wasn’t. It happened gradually. I spent so much time here, and left so much of my stuff here, that eventually I just started living here.’ I carried my bag to the door and opened it. ‘I suppose it’s a bit weird now, looking back, but it felt right at the time. And it was nice to be out of my parents’ house. It’s going to be weird moving back in with them.’ I gave a little shudder. ‘Like going back in time or something.’