Irreparably Broken

by K J Bell

  Tori begins to stir in her sleep, and I prop myself up on one elbow to watch her. Her eyes flutter open. Her sleepy face and messy hair are adorable. She rolls on her side, facing me cradling her arms to her chest. When I sweep her hair away from her neck, it falls over her shoulder, and I kiss her bare skin. I meet her soft blue eyes. They are full of warmth, and I know, I’d rather die than cause her a single minute of pain or let my mother hurt her.

  “Brady, what is it?” She reaches up and runs her fingers along the stubble of my jaw.

  I hold my hand over hers, leaning into her touch, and frown. “My head’s messed up right now.”

  She rolls her eyes. “So you’ve said.”

  I sit up and turn from her, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I rub the back of my neck. “I’m going to mess this up somehow. I need you to tell me you’ll forgive me when I do.”

  She crawls over to me, and hugs me from behind, her warm cheek rests on my bare back. “There is nothing you can do to mess this up.”

  I wish I could believe her.

  I trace the soft skin of her arms with my fingers. “I didn’t ask you if I would mess this up. I will, Sunshine. I can’t lose you. I need you to say it.”

  She crushes me tight. “I will forgive you, Brady.”

  Her arms leave my waist, and the pads of her fingers skim down my back. When she stops at my hips, there’s more pressure from her right hand, and I know she’s sees it. To my surprise, she doesn’t ask about the small tattoo bearing my ex’s name. Instead, she snakes her arms around my waist and gently presses kisses into my back.

  With my elbows propped on my knees, I lock my hands together and hang my head. “My family is going to hit the roof, but I promise I’ll take care of you if anything happens.”

  She pulls away from my back and lets out a soft laugh. “What are you talking about, Brady? Liv will be totally psyched for us. Tug will tease us until I want to choke him, but he’ll be fine with it… Oh…your parents? Brady, are they going to be angry?”

  My shoulders sag, and I shake my head. She doesn’t understand. And it kills me, knowing she is going to have too eventually, if we are going to be together. “They are going to go ballistic, Tori.”

  “Because I’m not good enough for you?” Her voice cracks.

  I spin around quickly, kneeling on the floor in front of her, splitting her thighs. Looking up at her, my jaw twitches, and I hate knowing I’m responsible for how hurt she looks. My heart crumbles in my chest. “Do you honestly believe my parents don’t think you’re good enough for me?”

  Her lips turn down, and she sighs. “Well, you said your mom holds up this picture-perfect family to everyone. My family is not exactly one that fits in that frame, Brady. She and my mom haven’t been close for years because of my mother’s mistakes.”

  “Don’t, Tori,” I say firmly. “We live in a glass house like everyone else. My mother may have put up more shades than most, but you can see just as many mistakes when you draw them back.”

  There I go, being cryptic again. I don’t want Tori to fall victim to my mother’s games. I’ve had twenty-four years of her manipulation. I hate the fact that she admires my mother so much.

  “That doesn’t explain why they'll be so upset."

  I sit down on the bed next to her, move her hair to the side, and massage her neck. “My parents are going to be pissed because they don’t think I’m good enough for you. Not the other way around. My parents love you. They think the world of you. In fact, I’m sure they’ll say I’m corrupting you.”

  She turns her head to me, sucking her bottom lip in between her teeth. She smiles. “I kinda like how you corrupt me.” She bats her lashes once.

  Jesus, she’s a little minx. “Hmm… Oh, I like doing it, too. And I have no plans to stop any time soon.”

  She leaves the bed and drops to her knees in front of me. I bend down and press my lips softly to the corner of her mouth. She gently pushes me back and starts kissing a path up my inner thigh. I lean back, resting on my hands, and swallow my next breath. She curls her delicate soft fingers around my hard length and begins sliding them up and down. My head falls back, and I exhale slowly. Her tongue swirls around my tip, and then her lips close around me. My breath shudders. The sensation of her warm mouth moving over my most sensitive skin is unbelievable, and I’m already about to erupt. Unexpectedly, something warm and wet hits my thigh, and I’m almost positive she’s crying.

  I sit up quickly, and grip her shoulders, pushing her back. As I suspected, tears are cascading down her cheeks, and she won’t look at me. My heart pounds against my chest, and I struggle to breathe. “Jesus Christ, Sunshine. What’s wrong? What did I do?”

  She shakes her head vehemently. “Nothing…Brady. You didn’t do anything.”

  I drop to my knees beside her and curl my hand around her neck, bringing her to me.

  She pulls away, and sniffles. “Don’t, Brady, please.”

  “Fuck!” I hiss air through my gritted teeth. “Please, baby. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She looks up at me, her eyes swollen and rimmed in red. She wipes the tears clean from her cheeks. I can’t fucking stand it, and I’m wracking my mind to remember what I might have done to hurt her.

  “When I was with Jake…” she starts, but then begins sobbing again.

  I pull her to me, and this time she doesn’t resist. I stroke the side of her head and wait, trying my best to soothe her. I can’t push this. I try to stay calm, but I’ve already made an assumption about what she’s going to say, and it has me biting steel. I should have kicked Jake’s ass years ago.

  Tears finished, she starts speaking again in a low and heart-wrenchingly painful voice. “I’d caught Jake once before the night with Savannah. I was walking the beach at dusk, and I saw his car in the parking lot.” She begins hiccupping, and for a second I assume she’s started crying again, and then I realize it’s actual hiccups. She smiles as though to apologize for the interruption. “I was so excited to see him. I thought he was there for me.” Hiccup. “When I got closer, I knew something was wrong.” Hiccup. I want to laugh because even her hiccups are lovely, but I hold it in. “I opened the door, and there he was.” Hiccup. “With some slutty girl’s head in his lap.” Hiccup. She plugs her nose with her fingers and holds her breath.

  I want to tell her Jake doesn’t deserve her tears, but she needs to let it out. Get this piece of her past off her chest so she can move forward with me. When she’s finally redder than a tomato, she lets go of her nose and releases her breath. Surprisingly, the old trick works. As soon as she catches her breath, she continues telling me how the asshole shattered her heart.

  “When he came to apologize, he told me that oral sex wasn’t something I was any good at. He needed it, so he found someone to do it right. He apologized and promised to teach me how he liked it if I stayed with him. He said he didn’t mean it and that he’d make it up to me. I was young, trusting, and in love with him, so I stayed. His teaching was more yelling and belittling, and eventually I flat out refused to do it anymore.”

  “Fucking prick!”

  She calms me now, rubbing my knee with her hand.

  “I assumed he was getting blowjobs from other people, but I kept living in my little bubble of denial. The night I found him with Savannah was my breaking point. I was appalled he did something so awful in front of our friends. I was humiliated. My bubble had finally burst, and I let him go. He took my dignity and my heart when he left.”

  She leans back and looks up at me. The pain on her face is agonizing. I hate that he did this to her.

  Anger is flaring, building to a full-on inferno. I tamp it down and steady my breaths so I don’t tear out of here and hunt Jake down. “That fucker didn’t steal anything from you.”

  “Maybe, Brady. But he wrecked me. Look at me? I want to do this for you, and you want me to, but I’m not sure I can.” Tears start falling from her eyes again, and I cradle her back to my chest.
/>   “Shhh…hush, listen to me.” I pull her back so he has to look at me. “You don’t ever have to do anything because you think I want you to. Being with you is everything to me. Intimacy requires unwavering trust. It’s obvious you didn’t have that with Jake. But I promise you, you have it with me. I would never welcome you to a vulnerable place and then degrade you the moment you arrived.” I grab her face in my hands. “Don’t waste another breath worrying about what he thought of you. He’s not worth it.”

  “I want to get past it, Brady, but it eats away at me.” Her lashes are wet with tiny beads of tears. I swipe my thumb over her eyelids to remove them because they belong to him, and I can’t fucking look at them. She falls back into my arms and I wrap her in my embrace.

  “I understand wanting to get past things. But it doesn’t have to be right now, in this instant. I’m not going anywhere. We can just let things happen naturally and do what feels right, not what we think the other person expects.”

  “Thank you, Brady.”

  As I watch a smile reach her beautiful blue eyes, I silently vow to do everything I can to repair her confidence. And if I ever see Jake again, he’s getting the ass beating I’ve always wanted to give him.

  I tilt her chin and give her a quick peck on the lips. “For the record, Sunshine, there is no such thing as a bad blow job. Your ex is just an asshole.”

  She laughs, a full, beautiful laugh. It’s genuine and grateful, and I would do anything to hear her laugh this way every day of my life.

  I stand and lift her off the floor, holding her in my arms. “Now, it’s bath time.”

  She giggles and lays her head on my shoulder.

  Chapter 20

  Tori

  Brady sets me down gently on the bathroom counter. The tiles are cold against my skin. The shower door squeals open, and Brady starts filling the tub with water. He pours bath oil under the stream. I grip the edge of the countertop, lean forward, and smile as I admire his backside. He steps in and holds his hand out to help me in. Body weak, I hop off the counter and take his hand. We slip into the steaming hot water together, and I sit in front of him with my back and head against his hard chest. The hot water and the aroma of the bath oil are soothing. I’m sore from the top of my head to the tips of my toes – the most delightfully sore I’ve ever felt.

  Brady scoops water into his hands and pours it over my shoulders while he talks. “I need to be the one to tell my parents about us. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to speak with them. In the meantime, you need to wait to talk to Liv or anyone else.”

  “Can we hide out here until you talk to your parents, then?” The mere thought of attempting to hide something as big as this from Liv makes me nervous. Aside from what a snoop my best friend is, she also knows me well enough that she’s going to sense it.

  His soft lips kiss the top of my shoulder. “You only have to keep it a secret for a little while. I promise. I have to figure out the best way to drop the news on my parents.”

  The small smile slips from my face when I hear the word “secret.” All of a sudden I’m self-conscious, thinking he needs to keep me hidden because he has so many other women in his life. I cringe, feeling dirty and like I want to leave.

  Biting my lip, I sigh. This is the chapter in the novels I read where the girl misinterprets what the guy means to say and runs away from him before hearing his explanation, whining about how he hurt her. The two spend countless months apart in utter misery before they realize they had a misunderstanding. Refusing to be that girl, I decide to just tell Brady what I’m thinking and let him explain.

  “Brady, I’m insecure, and I feel like maybe you want to keep me a secret because you don’t want anyone to know about us.”

  The words sound awful out loud compared to how they sounded in my head moments ago.

  He massages my shoulders, and a robust laugh leaves his lips. I hear the grin in his tone – it’s the one he wears when he thinks I’m being cute, the one I adore and detest. “Are you kidding me, Sunshine? The second my parents find out, I’m going to tell everyone that you’re mine.”

  I laugh and playfully say, “I can hear the hearts breaking now.”

  He doesn’t laugh. Instead, his teeth click together. Fingertips dig into my back between my shoulder blades, moving upward until they reach my scalp and then back down. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you?”

  “No.” I’m barely able to respond. The force of his fingers on my skin is spine-tingling, tender yet strong, working magic on my neck and shoulders. I blush, thinking his fingers work magic in other places as well.

  “Do you remember when I came home and Jesse threw me a party for my birthday?” he asks, still stroking my skin with his talented fingers.

  “Yes.” I remember it all too well. That was the night Jake and I had sex for the first time, after I made him wait a whole year, figuring that made it more meaningful somehow. God, I was naïve.

  Brady’s breath is in my ear, whispering, “And do you remember what you were wearing?” His voice is low and growly.

  I shiver when his lips touch my neck. “No.” My reply is less than a whisper.

  His lips leave my neck, and he starts rubbing his fingers over my shoulders again. “A red dress. A very short, very tight red dress. You had these heels that did amazing things to your legs.”

  “I have a tiny recollection,” I lie. I’d let Liv do her thing with me that night, and I’ll never forget that skimpy scarlet dress. She’d gone overboard, but it was the only time in my life I’d ever felt sexy, until now.

  “I was talking with my friends when I spotted you coming down the stairs with my sister. The moment I saw you, I wanted you. You went from Liv’s friend to the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, right before my eyes. I started to go to you…and you wrapped your arms around Jake’s neck. He grabbed your ass and kissed you, passionately kissed you. I’d known you two were together, but in that moment I knew he’d made love to you. I wanted to pound his face in.”

  I can’t contain my smile. He wanted me then. I tilt my head up to look at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  His wet hand drags across my cheek. His fingers run along my jaw, and then he brushes his thumb across my lips. I can tell by his expression he’s remembering that night, Jake’s lips on mine. “Because after Jake kissed you, I could see how much you loved him. I knew he held your heart, and I couldn’t compete.”

  I lie back on his chest again and tap the faucet with my toe. I would have dumped Jake in a heartbeat if I’d known. “You were wrong about that, Brady.”

  “Maybe.” His chest moves when he shrugs. “I figured one day he’d fuck up. It’s who he is. When the opportunity came along to make you see who he really is, I seized it. I regret hurting you more than you’ll ever know, but I’m not sorry he lost you. You never should have been with him.”

  How had I missed all of this? If I had known Brady felt this way, and planned that night because he cared about me, I would have done so many things differently. I was so angry with him. He left the party and I never saw him again until he walked in on me in the bathroom. “Brady, I don’t understand why you never told me if your plan all along was to get rid of Jake so you could be with me.”

  “I probably should have talked to you, but my life was complicated. I was afraid I would hurt you. The night you left Jake, I was with Vanessa already. I went back to school and tried to make it work with her so I could forget about you.”

  “Obviously you got over me. Liv said you were in deep with her, and breaking up with her broke you.” I have insecure, ugly thoughts again. Self-conscious, Jake-induced thoughts, screaming that Brady can’t possibly care about me. Thoughts that I’m only a way to heal his wounded heart. Assumptions form, making me want to run from him. “What am I to you Brady, honestly? Because I don’t want to be anyone’s consolation prize.”

  He reaches down in the water and his fingers wrap around my hip bones, scooting me close. His breath i
s hot in my ear again. “I settled for Vanessa because I couldn’t have you. You were always the grand prize. I broke up with her, remember?”

  I should be elated by his answer. Hell, I should get up and do backflips naked across the bedroom. But I’m insecure, and after Jake, words don’t mean as much as they used to. “Yeah, for some crazy reason you don’t like to talk about.”

  “You’re the goddamn reason. Jesus, Tori, have you heard anything I’ve said?”

  “I have, Brady. But Liv said you and Vanessa were close. And you have that tattoo.”

  His breath rushes out of him, a gust of wind against my neck. Fingers dance up the sides of my arms, leaving goosebumps behind. His arms slip under mine, and his hands grip my inner thighs. The groan tearing through his chest vibrates against by back.

  “Yes, Vanessa and I were extremely close,” he admits. “We met freshman year and were instantly best friends. When we started up a relationship, she knew my heart wasn’t in it. Right before spring break, she called me out on it. You and Jake had been broken up for a while, and I hated myself for what I did to you. Vanessa and I were at dinner, and she told me to, and I quote, ‘Put your fucking big boy pants on and tell Tori how you feel about her.’ We broke up. Now she’s gone, and I’m the biggest son of a bitch on the planet.”

  And I’m the pushiest girl on the planet. Why did I ask? It’s obviously painful for him to talk about. “Wait, you’re not even friends anymore? I don’t understand. If she wanted you to tell me, then how can she be mad at you? I’m sure if you called her, you could work it out.”

  He sighs – a long, drawn-out, finished-with-this-conversation sigh. “She’s gone. I can’t call her.”

  With abandon, I continue to push, thinking it will help if he just hashes it out with her. “You should try, Brady.”

  “Fuck, Tori. I wish I could, but I can’t, okay? Let it go!”