The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  Real Boys Stand Up

  “Mattias could already stand up and pee when he was two. He had to stand on a step stool in order to reach. He was so proud.”

  —john, parent of a four-year-old

  “At our child’s preschool, there are unofficial girls’ bathrooms and boys’ bathrooms. Many children, mainly girls, avoid certain bathrooms since there’s usually pee on the seat or around the toilet. But how much fun is that for a boy who wants to sit down, or for anyone who needs to poop? For children, this is their work environment.”

  —josé, parent of a four-year-old and a five-year-old

  “It’s not okay to require that my child sit down to pee. He should get to pee standing up.”

  —malin, parent of a four-year-old

  When children leave diapers behind and start using a potty, they take joy in observing what they’ve produced. At that very moment, no one thinks that boys and girls should behave in different ways. All children sit on potties. After some time, boys start standing up to pee in toilets. The question of whether boys should stand up or sit down when they pee might seem inconsequential, but it often provokes strong emotions. Why? And why do many prefer to have even young boys stand up to pee? Because it’s simpler and more convenient for boys, or because it shows that they will develop into men?

  The public spaces we depend on are often designed not to meet our needs but to reflect old traditions and ideas. How else can we explain that boys have urinals while girls have stalls with locks? We don’t question the idea that men can and want to stand next to each other to pee. But far from all men are comfortable with urinals for the simple reason that they’re not comfortable showing their genitals or seeing those of others. Girls don’t have to publicly announce whether they’re peeing or pooping, while boys do, since you can’t do the latter in a urinal. In many countries, there are urinals where both women and men can sit or stand as they see fit, and plenty of girls enjoy the simplicity of peeing quickly in a urinal. Furthermore, for trans people, the gendered bathrooms that exist in some public spaces can complicate going to the bathroom.

  Suggestions

  Encourage all children to sit down to pee while they still have a hard time aiming. This makes things more pleasant all around.

  Pay attention to whether the boys’ bathroom is not as clean and nice as the girls’ bathroom. Having a nice and clean space is important for all children.

  Suggest that the preschool or school provide a gender-neutral bathrooms. Most children are used to gender-neutral bathrooms from home.

  In warm weather, all children can stand up to pee outside. You can teach girls to separate their labia and stand with their legs apart in the same way you teach boys to hold on to their penises to avoid spraying pee all around.

  Nice Girls Don’t Fart

  “When we had a snack at our neighbors’ house, their daughter spilled ice cream on her shirt. It was just a tiny spot, but her parents joked about how they were going to have to put her in the washing machine along with all her clothes. Their son was sitting next to her with banana all over his shirt and no one said a word about it.”

  —christian, parent of a three-year-old

  “I want my daughter to be nice and clean. She’s not allowed to eat with her fingers, and I’d like for her to wear a bib. Stained clothes are such a drag.”

  —patricia, parent of a three-year-old

  “When my daughter farts, she’ll happily ask, ‘Was that you, Mommy?’ Then she’ll proudly pronounce that she was the one who farted.”

  —carro, parent of a three-year-old

  Girls are often expected to stay cleaner than boys, both in terms of their bodies and their clothes. This plays out in the colors of their clothes: girls’ clothing is often made in lighter shades than boys’. There’s also a common conception of girls as being more interested in staying neat and tidy. They’re supposed to like washing and combing their hair and changing their clothes when they get dirty. When boys get dirty, that’s interpreted as them having a good time playing. It’s amusing to be able to read off an entire day’s worth of meals on their shirts. He’s in such a rush and talks so much that most of the food lands on his shirt.

  Girls get scolded sooner than boys when they pick their noses, burp, or fart. Nice girls aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing. Boys can fart and burp together and laugh out loud. It doesn’t matter whether they’re 3, 13, 23, or 43 years old. Bodily functions are apparently much more natural among boys. Boys don’t regularly place toilet paper in the toilet to mask the sound of what they’re doing. Girls are taught that some bodily functions should be muted. Surely, it’s not possible to be both a fancy princess and a loud farter? This might seem amusing, but it can have serious consequences. On average, one to two quarts of gas pass through the adult body every 24 hours. Without a safety valve, we get bloated and our bellies ache.

  Suggestions

  Don’t be so fussy about keeping children, especially girls, clean. Let them play. Dress them in clothes that are practical and easy to wash.

  Bodily functions are natural to all children. Explain that all people need to fart, burp, and poop. Fancy princesses, queens, and famous movie stars do it several times per day.

  Try to maintain a relaxed attitude to bodies and their functions. Explain that holding it in can be good in certain situations but that it’s not a good idea to do it often.

  The Fastest One Wins

  “One day, one of the boys didn’t want to sit next to one of the teachers any longer. After several weeks, we found out why: He was scared. He’d heard that the teacher had a baby in her belly, and he was worried she was going to eat him, too.”

  —lena, teacher

  When we talk about where babies come from, we often tell the story about the egg and the sperm. We describe how the sperm swims fast to the egg, which sits there waiting. The fastest sperm wins. When we explain how sperm get to the egg, we often say that the penis is inserted into the vagina. These stories repeat a number of myths about male and female behavior. Couldn’t we just as well say that the vagina takes hold of the penis? Or that the egg runs to the fallopian tube and decides which sperm can enter? Or that the egg and the sperm work together? Today, babies are made in many different ways, which means that there are many different stories about how babies are made, from insemination to in vitro fertilization. Similarly, love and families can take many shapes. Some children have a dad or a mom, while some have two moms. Some have a mom and a dad, while some have two dads. Even though many children live in a family that is not a mother-father-child family, many people continue to speak as if the nuclear family is the correct format. This results in many children feeling excluded, their families made invisible.

  Stjärnfamilj (star family) = A family that consists of one or more adults and children. The term star family covers all family constellations and emphasizes love, care, and respect as the basis for a family, rather than biological ties. The term was coined in 2009. In Swedish, stjärnfamilj is pronounced almost exactly the same as kärnfamilj, nuclear family.

  Suggestions

  Try telling the story about where babies come from as if it were any other story: There is a room behind the vulva and vagina inside the body, called the uterus. That’s a space where a baby can grow. To make a baby, you need a sperm and an egg. The eggs are in the ovaries and the sperm are in the testicles. The eggs and the sperm have to mix to make a baby. The mixing can take place inside the body (through insemination or intercourse) or outside (in vitro fertilization). Then the egg gets to grow in the uterus for nine months. That’s when the baby is ready and gets to come out. The baby comes out through the vagina, which is a very strong muscle that opens into the vulva. Sometimes an opening is made through the belly into the uterus (C-section) to take out the baby that way.

  Explain that families come in many shapes and sizes. There are families with one parent, adoptive families, nuclear families, large families, and new families. Explain that all fa
milies are love-families and configured just fine the way they are.

  Bodily Gender Equality

  How children feel about their own bodies affects their self-esteem and their developing identities. If we can help children of all genders see their bodies as something positive that can be used for all kinds of activities, then we will have given them a lot. If we had bodily gender equality, children would not be judged by their bodies, and their self-esteem wouldn’t be embodied in their hair or their muscles. There would be room for everyone, whether they’re known as her, them, or him. Bodies would be allowed to be functional, not reduced to something nice to look at. All children would have the opportunity to both claim space and make room, to practice fine and gross motor skills. Children could be proud of their genitals and know that they alone control their bodies, snippor, and snoppar. Bodily gender equality would also let children develop a strong sense of integrity and take a responsible approach to sexuality, with respect for themselves and others.

  In Preschool

  The Preschool Gender Equality Mission

  Most children spend more of their waking hours at day care or preschool than with their parents. After a few years at day care or preschool, children will have spent a full year’s worth of hours there. That’s the equivalent of three thousand kids’ parties or fifteen thousand dinners. Children take shape during all these hours. They develop their identities and discover who they are. They develop language, learn to interact with others, get to know the range of their own emotions, and develop characteristics and abilities. They’re also taught to be boys or girls.

  Even if it’s not always possible to choose an early education program for a child, it is possible to influence how it operates. Asking questions is a good start. Many teachers spend a lot of time and effort creating a safe and nurturing environment for children, and they appreciate parents who take an interest. It can also feel very good to know how the teachers work and what values they have. How do they interact with a sad child? How do they act when there’s a conflict? How do they work to let all children develop a strong sense of self and feel safe? How do they ensure that children practice their gross and fine motor skills? What do they do to let children practice both speaking and listening, asserting themselves and waiting their turn?

  In 1998, the preschool system in Sweden changed from being a day care system to being part of the overall educational system. All children in Sweden have the right to attend public preschool starting at age one. The preschool system has its own official curriculum, which, according to the Swedish Education Act, has to be designed in accordance with gender equality. In turn, the official curriculum requires gender equality to be integrated in all preschool activities—everything from how children are treated to the choice of activities and materials. Gender equality is part of the Swedish preschool value system, and preschools are required to organize their activities so that children mix, play, and learn together, irrespective of gender. Both the preschool curriculum and the Education Act are legally binding on everyone who works at a Swedish preschool.

  Sweden’s Discrimination Act, in effect since 2009, also governs how preschools and schools are run. It protects everyone, including the children, against discrimination. The Discrimination Act requires each individual school and preschool to have an action plan against abusive treatment that shows the measures the school is taking to promote the equal treatment of all children. According to the law, equal treatment means that all children irrespective of their “sex, transgender identity or expression, ethnicity, religion or other belief, disability, sexual orientation and age” have the right to be responded to as individuals and equally.

  What Should Be Included in an Action Plan Against Abusive Treatment?

  A vision that describes how the preschool staff pictures an equal preschool—including gender equality. The vision should apply to children as individuals and as a group.

  An account and analysis of current activities in terms of gender, ethnicity, disabilities, sexuality, and religion. The account should be based on observations of the activities, and children and parents should participate. Observations can include how the teachers treat the children, how children choose what to play with, which children play together, what activities the children participate in, and what the general mood is among the children as a group.

  Goals that are concrete and that show what should be done, how it should be done, and who will do what. It’s important for the goals to be for a certain timeframe and for there to be a schedule for implementation. If the goal is to provide a more diverse range of role models, one method could include reviewing the preschool’s literature and assortment of toys and other materials from a gender perspective to ensure that these match the preschool’s mission to promote gender equality.

  Equality represents the equal opportunities and rights of all persons, irrespective of gender identity, ethnicity, religion, disability, sexual orientation, or age. Gender equality is part of the equality concept.

  Follow-up and assessment that examines whether the preschool has reached the goals and also provides information on methods that have worked and those that need further development. The same methods used for the account can be used for the follow-up to simplify comparisons and make changes easy to see.

  An emergency plan that describes the actions teachers and administrators should take if a child or a parent experiences abuse. The emergency plan should also describe how to follow up on the event and how to communicate with those involved.

  A plan for the continued development of expertise that describes the expertise among the group of teachers on gender equality and equal treatment, and what expertise needs to be developed going forward. This can include lectures, field trips to other preschools, literature, and staff exchange programs.

  Children and parents should participate in the work on gender equality and equal treatment. This can happen through surveys, interviews, and individual conferences. Letting parents and teachers participate in creating the preschool vision for gender equality and equal treatment and against abusive treatment is a good idea. Parents can for instance discuss this and summarize their ideas at a parent conference.

  The action plan against abusive treatment should be followed up, assessed, and revised at least once per year.

  Questions from Preschool Teachers

  “Many parents want their girls to look like little princesses. It’s very hard to talk with them about this because they take it so personally.”

  —berit, teacher

  “Sometimes when a boy arrives and there are only girls outside playing, his parents will ask us where the children are. They want us to go inside and bring out boys so that their child can stay outside and play. I just don’t know what to say.”

  —gabriella, teacher

  “When we bring up gender equality at parent-teacher conferences, there’s often no response. Parents prefer to hear about how we teach children counting and writing. It’s as if they think ‘that other stuff’ has no bearing on their children.”

  —adam, teacher

  Implementing gender equality in schools requires skills, curiosity, courage, and persistence. Here are some common questions teachers may have about working with parents who may not share their values, along with suggestions for how to think and talk about those values.

  Teacher: What can we say to a parent whose child is rarely dressed for playing?

  Clothing can be a sensitive and loaded issue because how we dress shows who we are and who we want to be. Address this issue at an early stage, during the transition period when a child first starts at the preschool. Explain that certain clothing can make it hard for children to participate in school activities. It can be useful to also mention that clothes and accessories easily become status symbols that exclude certain children. Explain that you do not acknowledge children on the basis of how they look or what they are wearing, but rather on the basis of their personhood because you want to strengthen their sel
f-esteem. That way, parents don’t have to be sad that their children aren’t receiving compliments for how they look. They can rest assured that you see their children no matter how they dress. Together, parents and teachers can agree on clothes that are practical for preschool.

  For parents: What are your thoughts about your child and their clothes? Just like adults, children want to look nice and get dressed up every now and then, but children want to and need to be able to play without being limited by their clothes. Teachers are not supposed to, and they can’t, tailor activities around fancy clothing; children who have to be careful with their clothes are saddled with a huge responsibility. For more on this, see the gender trap “Dressing to Play or Dressing to Please” (page 66).

  Teacher: One of the parents doesn’t want their son to play dress up with dresses or play with dolls. How should we respond to this?

  Explain that the preschool strives to let all children develop and practice a wide range of skills and roles. You can highlight the positive characteristics that playing with dolls can foster. The child has the opportunity to practice empathy and intimacy. Explain that dresses are considered an item of clothing that all children should have access to. The drama around dresses can be reduced with various activities, like dances, where all children wear skirts and dresses and dance together. Explain to children that becoming a good dancer requires a lot of strength and coordination.