sUnwanted Truthst

by Unwanted Truths (epub)

  ‘Yummy, can I have one now?’

  ‘Alright then, take two with you, then Simon can have one.’

  ‘I’m off then.’

  ‘Be careful.’ Since his tenth birthday earlier that year, Nicky had been allowed to cycle on his own to his friend’s house, but Jenny didn’t stop worrying about him until he returned.

  ‘Don’t fuss, Mum,’ Nicky said. He threw the cakes into a plastic bag and rushed out of the back door. Jenny went into the lounge and watched through the window as he cycled along the pavement and turned the corner. She could hear Robert moving about upstairs. He was taking three days extra holiday before half term to tackle and hopefully complete at least two unfinished projects. First on his list was to re-fix the front panel that had fallen off the bath, leaving a gaping black hole. Lorna was refusing to go in there, crying hysterically that she could see gigantic spiders lurking there. Jenny walked into the study, opened the top drawer to Robert’s desk, and sprinted upstairs. Robert was dressed in a pair of dark blue overalls, and lay on his back attempting to push the panel into place. Tools were strewn across the floor.

  ‘Wretched thing never stays where it’s supposed to.’ He raised himself slightly. ‘Have you come up to see how I’m getting on?’

  ‘What the hell are these?’ Jenny waved the house details under Robert’s nose.

  He sat up. ‘What are you doing with those?’

  ‘What am I doing with them? What are you doing with them? That’s what I want to know.’

  ‘How did you get them? I told them not to say anything to you.’

  ‘They didn’t say anything, at least, not until I saw them looking at them. They weren’t going to say anything, because you said it was going to be a surprise. Well it’s certainly that. Why have you got them?’

  ‘Oh, bloody hell, Jen.’ His blue eyes stared up at her. ‘I wanted to tell you, but you’ve been so damned moody and snappy lately, I just couldn’t. I thought… oh it doesn’t matter now. I thought it would be best to wait until I knew for sure.’

  ‘Knew what for sure?’

  ‘That I’d got the job.’

  ‘Got the job, what are you talking about? You’ve already got a job,’ she shouted.

  ‘No, I haven’t, at least not for much longer. That’s why I couldn’t tell you, not until I knew I had another one. It’s the re-organisation. My job’s going at the end of July.’

  ‘You mean you’ve been offered a job in Surrey?’ she emphasised the last word.

  ‘Yes, with Waverley Council. They offered it to me on Thursday, at the second interview. That’s when I went to the agents.’

  ‘You mean you accepted a job in Surrey, without telling me,’ she shouted. ‘Well you can’t take it, can you? You’ll have to tell them,’ she lowered her voice.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous Jen. I won’t have a job at all, if I refuse it.’

  ‘Well, you can always re-train for something else. Transport isn’t the only job in the world you know.’ She thought of Martin giving up his secure job in a bank.

  ‘Transport’s the only job I know that I’m good at, and interested in; and it pays a good salary.’

  ‘What about my job? I haven’t been there five minutes, and I enjoy it. I can’t commute from Guildford, can I?’ her voice rose to a crescendo. ‘I can’t believe you accepted without talking to me about it.’

  ‘I couldn’t tell you, at least not then. But it wouldn’t have made any difference if I had told you. We’d just have had this argument a week earlier. I can’t turn it down. It’s for all of us, Jen. I’m getting more money, for God’s sake. I’m sorry about your job, of course I am, but you can always get another job up there, when we’re settled. We won’t be short of money.’

  ‘Money’s not everything you know,’ she thought again of Martin. One of the things that made their separation bearable was that they still lived and breathed the same county air, and that she hadn’t upset Lorna and Nicky. ‘What about Lorna? She’s just settled at her new school, she has friends there. That’s important at her age.’

  ‘She’ll soon make new friends. Nicky seemed keen, when I mentioned it.’

  ‘Yes, he might be, but I bet Lorna wasn’t. I’m not going Robert.’ It was one thing to carry on with their life and remain where they were. But to move away, to give up her job – no – if her life was going to change it wouldn’t be like this. ‘I’m not going.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Jen. This is exactly why I didn’t say anything earlier. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. Can’t you see it’s really good news for us.’

  ‘Good news. Good news – what, that I’ll have to leave my new job, and Lorna leave her school. What’s good about that?’ Jenny shouted.

  ‘You’re completely over reacting. We can have a good life in Surrey.’

  ‘I don’t want a good life in Surrey, I have a life here.’

  ‘Not without me and the children you wouldn’t.’

  ‘I might.’

  ‘What do you mean, you might? You’re not going to stay in Brighton on your own, are you? We can’t afford two houses,’ he gave a deep sigh. ‘For God’s sake, any other woman would be pleased that I’d had the gumption to find another job and be accepted.’

  ‘Well, I’m not any other woman.’

  ‘No, you’re not. You’re moody and unpredictable. You’re not the girl I married; a change would do you good.’

  ‘Do me good, do me good, it wouldn’t make any difference, because I don’t love you,’ she screamed.

  He stood up and faced her, his face drained of colour. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

  She smelt onion from lunch on his breath. ‘I don’t love you. I love someone else.’

  ‘You love someone else – who?’ A sliver of spit landed on her cheek.

  ‘It doesn’t matter who, does it?’

  ‘It does to me.’

  ‘You don’t know him.’

  ‘So that’s alright then, is it? Oh I get it. It’s someone at work isn’t it? That’s why you don’t want to leave. You think you can go to him. Well, who says he wants you. You’ve been bloody moody ever since you started there.’

  ‘You’re wrong. It’s no one at work.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. You would say that, wouldn’t you? Who the hell is it then? You don’t go anywhere else.’ Jenny saw the truth dawning on Robert’s face. His upper lip curled. ‘Of course, that’s it isn’t it? It’s a man you met at those classes you went to last year. You went out on those so-called field trips in the evenings, and you go out when I go to the exhibitions. Are you still seeing him?’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ she shouted.

  ‘Did you sleep with him?’ His eyes bulged.

  Jenny turned her head slightly so as not to see those eyes.

  ‘I’ll take that as a yes then.’

  ‘You’re not whiter than white, are you? What about those office parties? You never came home ‘til the early hours.’

  ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ He shoved her back against the bathroom wall, kicked his hammer out of the way and marched out of the room.

  Jenny’s heart hammered against her ribs as she stood staring at her reflection in the mirror above the wash basin; her lips apart as she breathed heavily. The floor was covered with tools, and the panel hung loosely from the bath. Five minutes later she heard footsteps on the stairs. Robert stood in the doorway.

  ‘Look I’m sorry Jen. I’ve been thinking, we’ve both made mistakes. I can forget about this afternoon, if you will. This is a good reason for us to move, don’t you see – we can start again – somewhere new.’

  Jenny took a deep breath. ‘No, I can’t Robert. That’s what I’ve been trying to do here. I’m sorry, I really am.’

  ‘Well fuck you then – bitch.’ He slammed the bathroom door in her face. Jenny stared at the paint work and began to shake. A few minutes later she heard the revving of a car engine as Robert screeched away from the house.

&nbs
p; *

  The next morning as she was getting ready for work, the telephone rang. ‘Hello,’ she answered.

  ‘Oh, it’s you.’ Jenny froze, as she recognised her mother-in-law’s voice.

  ‘Do you want to speak to Robert?’ Her heart raced.

  ‘Well, I certainly don’t want to speak to you. Robert told me what you said. How could you do that to him? Those poor little children.’

  ‘He’s no angel himself, you know.’

  ‘It’s different for men.’

  ‘Oh, is it? At least I made him happy once; which is more than he can say about you.’

  ‘How dare you speak to me like that, you little slut; blood will out in the end, that’s what…’

  Jenny slammed the phone down; her hands trembling. She sat in the chair by the window and felt a pricking at the back of her eyes. A tear teetered on the edge of her eyelid and trickled down her cheek. Another formed and dripped onto her lip, she removed it with her tongue thinking how salty it tasted. Outside a young mother was pushing her child in a buggy. Jenny watched until she was a dark speck at the end of the road, and then stood up, walked over to the corner table and flicked through the telephone directory. She picked up the receiver and dialled the number. She felt strangely calm. ‘Martin, it’s me. Can I come over?’

  PART THREE

  1

  September 1984

  Toby sat expectantly at the door of the cottage, his tail sweeping the floor.

  ‘Alright, I’m coming,’ Jenny bent down and attached the lead to his collar. She pulled down the door latch and stepped out onto the brick path that led to the lane. Once past the old school she removed his lead. Toby rushed to the edge of the pond and barked at the ducks waddling on the baked mud. Startled, they retreated and paddled furiously towards their island refuge. Jenny stared at the water level. It was low, but not as low as she remembered it had been in the drought of 1976. Wandering past the disused village pump, she turned right alongside the church; the morning sun warming her bare arms and legs.

  She had been living with Martin for over a year, and they were renting a small flint knapped cottage in Falmer. It was cramped, but in a strategic position; Martin said that his journey took only five minutes longer than it had from Ringmer, and Jenny could drop Lorna at school on her way into work. She bent down and threw a stick for Toby. It had been her idea to buy a dog; to help distract Lorna and Nicky from the inevitable fall-out from her separation from Robert. Last December, she had taken Lorna to the R.S.P.C.A. kennels, where a wire-haired fox terrier cross had immediately decided they were going to adopt him. The cross part of Toby had been the subject of much discussion since, but with no determinate conclusion. Toby had been a great success. No one could fail to raise a smile in his presence. Both Lorna and Nicky – when he came to stay for the weekend – vied to be the one to take him for a walk. At the southern edge of the churchyard, harvested fields, prickly with stubble, stretched into the distance. Jenny turned right alongside a line of alders, and picking up another stick threw it onto the grass. Toby hurtled towards it, skidding to a halt and returned to her triumphantly. ‘Only a short walk today, Toby.’ Usually, she would take the narrow path that led to the footbridge over the A27. They would walk past the village stores and almshouses, and along the lanes of the northern half of the village. The walk would take at least half an hour, and Toby would return exhausted. Today, he was still lively as she walked up to their cottage door and stepped into the sitting room. A wood burning stove sat in a tiled recess. By the side was a wicker basket filled to the brim with logs that Martin had collected ready for autumn. Picking up a writing pad and pen from a side table, Jenny walked through the kitchen and out onto a small brick patio. Sitting at the small wooden table she began to write.

  Dear Dido,

  I hope this letter finds you and the boys well, and I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since I last wrote, but you’ll see I’m not at the same address anymore. You remember I told you that Robert and I were separating. Well, here I am, living with Martin. I don’t know if you’ll remember, but Falmer’s just outside Brighton. We’re really happy, but the last few months haven’t been easy, and still aren’t, because of Lorna and Nicky, and Martin’s boy – Daniel. The children have been the hardest part – I feel permanently guilty. We plan to stay here, at least until our divorces are finalised. Lorna lives with us, it’s a bit cramped, and Nicky lives with Robert in Surrey. He’s settled at school there, and Lorna goes up once a month – for the weekend – and Nicky comes here on another weekend. Anyway, enough about us, I’m really pleased that you’ve got a job, and things are a bit easier now the boys are older. I can’t believe that Mike’s chucked his job at Lloyds and is travelling around South America. Has he gone on his own?

  Jenny put her pen down and stared along the narrow garden which faced due west. The sun was prevented from reaching her by the walls of the kitchen extension. The hum from the dual carriageway formed a background to her thoughts about the children. The phone rang in the sitting room.

  ‘This is a nice surprise,’ Jenny said, recognising Martin’s voice.

  ‘Daniel phoned today.’

  ‘Oh, good, I’m so pleased.’

  ‘Apparently, he had a bad cold at the weekend, and Marilyn didn’t want him to go out and make it worse. He said he wasn’t that bad, and still wanted to see me, but didn’t want to upset her.’ Martin had planned to meet Daniel on Saturday, but after waiting one hour, he had given up and returned home with disappointment written over his face.

  ‘Is he better now?’

  ‘He’s still a bit croaky, but he said he’s better. What are you doing this morning?’

  ‘I’ve just walked Toby round the pond, and I’m in the middle of writing to Dido, you remember, I often mention her?’

  ‘Well, enjoy the peace while it lasts. I’m just off to that meeting I told you about, so I might be a bit late.’

  ‘Take care – love you.’

  Jenny replaced the handset, went into the kitchen and filled the kettle. She smiled as she imagined Martin in his office, his elbow on the desk as he told her the good news. At least Daniel’s phoned him at work, she thought, even if he doesn’t want to phone here. She knew he felt guilty about Daniel; she felt the same about Lorna and Nicky. They only had to be unusually quiet; say they felt ill, or have trouble with their friends, and she would immediately blame herself. At least we can sympathise with each other.

  She sat and stared at the trees on the skyline beyond the university, and again recalled last Saturday afternoon. Robert had met her as usual at the petrol station on the A23. With a nod of his head and a curt hello, he had opened the car door to let Nicky out. She had been surprised to see Nicky dressed in school uniform.

  ‘Why are you wearing your uniform?’ she had asked.

  ‘I have school now on Saturday mornings. Dad’s just collected me.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘It’s O.K. Dad’s brought a change of clothes for me.’

  ‘That’s not the same uniform you had last term, is it?’

  ‘No,’ he had quickly looked away, watching Robert’s car as it disappeared down the slip road. ‘Mum, can I have a Cornetto?’

  ‘Alright,’ she opened the glove compartment and gave him some coins. ‘Don’t be long. Lorna’s looking forward to seeing you, and so’s Toby.’ As he disappeared into the garage, she had realised that whatever they had agreed about their son, now counted for little. She recalled their conversation from the day before, Martin was standing at the end of the kitchen table carving slices off a leg of lamb, when Nicky had said, ‘We had lamb chops on Friday.’

  ‘Did you? That’s good,’ she had replied, pleased that at last Robert was cooking decent meals. ‘Does Dad often do those for you?’

  ‘No, I think he did it because Louise came round.’

  ‘Louise – is she your new friend?’ Lorna had asked.

  ‘No, Dad said she was a friend from work. She cooked me
sausage and bacon before school yesterday.’

  ‘You better watch out, or you’ll be getting too fat to play in the football team,’ Martin added quickly with a nervous laugh.

  ‘I prefer rugby now.’

  She had felt an unexpected pang of jealousy, and wondered what Louise looked like. Looking across the table she saw Lorna had stopped eating and was staring at her plate. Later that evening she came into the kitchen.

  ‘I don’t want to go to Dad’s on Saturday. I’d rather stay here.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ she had spoken without thinking.

  ‘I just don’t.’

  ‘You’ll feel differently at the weekend. Could you get an apple from the fruit bowl for me please?’

  ‘Get it yourself,’ Lorna had yelled, slamming the door behind her. She hadn’t spoken to her since.

  *

  Ancient elm trees lined the right side of the road that led up to West Blatchington windmill. It looks strange without its sails, an armless torso, Jenny thought. They must be down for renovation. She flicked the indicator switch, and turned left into the crescent.

  ‘It’s on the right, in the middle,’ Martin said, ‘the one with the red roof tiles.’

  Jenny swallowed several times as she followed Martin up the shared drive to the semi-detached bungalow. Dandelions sprouted from cracks in the concrete and marigolds multiplied haphazardly in the flower beds. It was the first time she had accompanied Martin to visit his father. She decided that she couldn’t put it off for ever. They had spoken several times on the telephone, he had been polite, but she always passed the receiver to his son.

  Martin pressed the doorbell. He was about to press it again when the door opened, and a grey-haired man of medium height stood before them. Replicas of Martin’s eyes stared at Jenny.

  ‘You look as if you’ve seen a ghost, Dad. We told you we were coming today,’ Martin said.

  ‘Yes, I was expecting you. It’s just that… Oh, it doesn’t matter. Come in, come in.’

  The aroma of freshly made coffee wafted around the hallway. Jenny held out her right hand which he immediately lifted to his lips. ‘So you’re Jenny?’ His eyes glinted. ‘Ricco, call me Ricco.’