Fade to Blue

by Julie Carobini

  Letty gasped. “Make over the studio? It’s been lifeless for as long as I have worked there.”

  Fred tilted his head, his rimmed glasses slipping further down his nose. “You don’t approve?”

  “On the contrary. I wish I had thought of it myself. The place could use some color and style, and who knows? Perhaps our ordinary studio will one day achieve the status of this castle and attract visitors from all over the world.”

  Fred chuckled. “In that case, we would certainly need to ramp up our security, but you are thinking big, Leticia. I like that. You’ll do well as project manager too.” He turned to his wife. “Are we ready to move on?”

  “Not until Suz says something. Well, dear, what do you think about our plan? Did I mention that you and your precious son are welcome to stay in the cabin?” She folded her hands, squeezing them together over and over.

  She needn’t have expended the energy. I knew, almost from the start, that the life of a conservator was one thing in my mind, and quite another in the day-to-day grind of restoring classic art pieces. I’d come to admire people like Letty whose patience surpassed mine at every stroke of the brush, but I also realized that my climb in this business could only go so far. It had become a niggling worry scuttling about my mind, but something I’d been unable to fully face considering my need for survival.

  Even though it would wear on me like a pair of cardboard flip-flops, I would in-paint molded crevices for the rest of my life if it meant that doing so would provide food for my son.

  “I’m overwhelmed and I won’t let you down. Thank you both so much for your support.”

  Sherry’s earnest expression faltered and she slid a glance to Fred, who blinked several times, his eyes reflecting the outside light. Had I disappointed them? Before I could find the courage to ask, Fred reached for Sherry’s hand and they rallied from their momentary show of emotion.

  “We are pleased, Suzi-Q,” Fred told me. “Very pleased indeed. Perhaps we’ll start early next week? We have a shipment coming in that I must deal with first.”

  “Oh, tell the girls, would you, Fred?” The last tremor of disturbance faded from her face.

  The breath he took added nearly an inch to his height. “As you know we receive curiosities from all over the world, and lately their value has been more or less sentimental.” He gazed at his wife. “We will need all hands available for the pieces that will arrive early Monday.”

  “They’re from Germany’s fairy-tale castle!” Sherry blurted.

  Letty’s face registered intrigue. “Neuschwanstein?”

  Fred nodded. “That’s right. A variety of pieces including damaged candelabras and the pièce de résistance: a lost mosaic.”

  I tilted my head. “Lost?”

  Letty tapped my arm, a mesmerized look in her eyes. “As in ‘just found.’ Fred, is this true? They have found a lost mosaic and are shipping it all the way here?”

  He glanced around as if the walls had ears. “It’s safer here with us, far away from the raiders in Europe. You will handle the project for me before moving up in the world, I take it?”

  “Anything, boss. You know that I will.”

  A tingle ran up my arm at the sound of the cloak-and-dagger project. I’d never heard of this fairy-tale castle, but whose interest wouldn’t be piqued by the idea of some long-lost German art piece showing up on California soil?

  Sherry fanned herself. “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

  The headiness from the past hour nearly overcame me too, and I moved toward the window, hoping for some fresh air. Had I really learned Seth’s secret, had a surprise visit from Len, and discovered that my life as a conservator was short lived—all in one day?

  Sherry slipped out of her wool coat and draped it over her arm. “There. My, that’s better. My goodness the excitement in here has me nearly sweltering!”

  Fred offered her his arm. “Shall we go?”

  Letty and I trailed behind them, watching Fred lead her from the suite. We giggled together, Letty and I, and listened as Sherry’s voice reverberated through the hall. “Let’s go take another look at that golden suite that Hedda Hopper always enjoyed so much . . .”

  The past few months made me feel as if I had slipped into a bikini and waded into the frigid ocean, the cold strangling my lungs. I’d determined to fight my own resistance to it, to warm up against the ever-decreasing temperature. Now, even though part of me felt dumped by my boss, the rest of me relaxed, as if the tide had waned, until it lapped only as high as my knees.

  I only hoped the sensation would last.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  “So after the top-secret shipment arrives, Fred will be sending you off to that remote location to work alone?”

  We strolled through the grounds of the zoo, Jer, Seth and I, animal sounds filling in the gaps of our conversation. I shucked off the bite in Seth’s tone. “You sound like my brother. It’s not like that. It sounds like a demotion, but really, Fred’s done me a favor. Restoration work is tedious and backbreaking. My esteem for those with the patience for it has tripled.”

  Jer swung my arm hard. “That bird is speeding, Mama!”

  Seth stopped and hoisted Jeremiah onto his shoulders. “There. You can see it better now.”

  I stepped up and read the plaque. “It’s a scarlet macaw. And you’re right, kiddo—it can fly up to thirty-five miles per hour.”

  Jer’s eyes widened. “Wow!”

  We watched the bird a long while, until I looked away at one point, dizzy. How strange and comfortable to be here with Seth and Jeremiah. So much had happened in the past few years, and yet this day felt so simple. So easy. It should have struck me as odd seeing my son riding on Seth’s shoulders. It didn’t. I wished the feeling could last.

  Seth winked at me. “Bet the colors of those birds in there inspire you.”

  I snapped out of my meanderings. “Definitely. Fascinating how many bright colors God thought up for those feathered creatures.”

  Seth let Jer down but took his hand while we continued strolling along the winding path. “So what’ll you do after the cabin’s finished?”

  “Dream bigger, for one thing. Open my own freelance painting business maybe.” I shrugged. “Callie’s already planning to hire me to do some painting up at the camp. She’s thinking about a mural for the new Kitteridge Clubhouse.”

  “Well, then, I guess I have something to disclose to you.”

  I raised my chin. “Go ahead. Disclose.”

  “Callie asked me to bid on window cleaning for the camp. If they accept my bid, we’ll likely be bumping into each other up there since it’s a big job. Wouldn’t want you to think of me as your stalker.”

  I laughed. “Too late for that.”

  Seth stopped and opened his mouth in mock surprise. His hand wrapped firmly around Jer’s. “I’m shocked.”

  I grimaced. “Whatever.”

  Screeches ricocheting through the air indicated we had reached the monkey exhibit. The only visitors to the area, the white-eared monkeys swung high in the air, from branch to branch, giving us a private show. Jer bobbed his chin and grinned at Seth. Without hesitation, Seth knelt to let Jer once again climb aboard his shoulders.

  He hoisted Jer up for a closer look. “Can you imagine swinging through the air like that, Jeremiah?”

  “Maybe when my arms grow bigger!”

  We all laughed.

  Seth glanced at me. “So are you excited to see the shipment from the magic castle?”

  “It’s a German castle, and yes, I am.” I kept my voice low, like on a reconnaissance mission. “I may not be the best conservator candidate around, but I do love a good suspense. Apparently the castle’s owner, King Ludwig II of Bavaria, was quite the eccentric.”

  “Kind of like Hearst.”

  “Touché. Anyway, the Disney castles actually are based on Neuschwanstein.”

  “Disneyland!” Jer’s heels kicked into Seth’s chest.

  I win
ced and reached out, stilling my son’s feet. “Sorry.”

  Seth stood there, unfazed.

  “We going to go to Disneyland with Daddy?” Jer bent his head down, his hands cupped beneath Seth’s chin. “You can come too, Seth.” His voice sounded so sweet and earnest.

  I reached up and patted Jer’s arm. “I don’t know about that, son, but maybe Gage and I could take you.”

  Jer barked out a “Yes!”

  Seth’s brows bunched together, and his eyes searched my face.

  My heart dulled. “It’s still very confusing to him,” I whispered.

  He flexed those brows again and nodded. “I understand.”

  “It’s not that going to Disneyland with you doesn’t sound fun.”

  He smirked. “Of course. The Magic Kingdom with me would be amazing.”

  A laugh dribbled out of me. “And there’s the Seth that I know.”

  A jumping monkey clung to the fence, inches away from us. I stepped back but Seth stayed steady, nearly eye to eye with the animal. With his constant movement, Jer massaged Seth’s chin, his eyes fixed on that monkey. “My mom’s afraid of the fast rides,” he said, surprising me. He dropped his gaze to Seth’s crown. “You could hold her hand or something.”

  No doubt I turned crimson.

  As that monkey hung there, vying for attention, Seth slid a glance at me. He grinned. “I’d hold her tight, Jeremiah. Real tight.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  “The shipment is on its way up the highway!” Letty hung up the phone, alerting the crew—and the additional presence of plainclothes security—of the imminent arrival of our new and top-secret assignment.

  The pieces arrived, brought packed in heavy, rugged wooden crates, just as Fred had described them. My boss motioned for the head of security. “Secure the doors, and we’ll have a look, shall we?”

  Much like that moment, the rest of the week zipped by like a blur. After five days’ worth of nonstop hours on my feet, most without lunch, I limped home on Friday night and headed straight for the sand. Callie had picked up Jer from school with a promise for a movie with Moondoggy, along with ice cream for dinner and hamburgers for dessert. How could he or I resist?

  Fall had come, and yet telltale signs of summer continued to hold fast. Wild lupine sprouted in craggy places between rocks and under the weathered stairs to the beach. Though the air held a nip and the clear seawater felt like melted snow to the touch, I slipped off my shoes and tread across exposed rocks, careful not to step on pillows of anemones that lined the way. Despite their blameless appearance, they were known to become quite belligerent, squirting seawater at offending tide poolers.

  Safe on my perch, I watched the waves crawl in lean and low and offer an occasional drenching to the creatures needing water to live. Unable to resist, I brushed the tentacles of an open anemone and delighted as it suctioned itself to my fingertips. It released me once it realized I wasn’t dinner. I remembered what Letty told me about anemones shrinking when undernourished. Did that apply only to food? Sometimes when confusion reigned and doubts overshadowed me like fat rain clouds, I too felt myself shrinking.

  Despite the breeze and the darkening sky, both my mind and body longed to stay out on this rock. Just a little while longer, my mind seemed to say, like Jeremiah might upon visiting a park filled with shiny new toys. Voices drifted in the distance, broken only by the increasing crash of waves. Reluctantly, I unfolded myself and stood, carefully making my way back to shore.

  A couple strolled by as I stopped among a scattering of moonstones to slip my feet back into my shoes.

  “Hey, Suz.”

  Still bent over, I looked up to find Holly standing next to a guy wearing long swim trunks and carrying a short board.

  “This sure is a favorite place of yours.” She smoothed back wayward curly locks against the breeze. “This is my friend, Duke.”

  “Hi, Holly. Duke.”

  Worry dimples sunk in around Holly’s mouth. “I don’t know if you’ve talked to our Seth lately, but this is not what you might be thinkin’.”

  I gave a quick nod. “He told me that you two, um . . .” I glanced at Duke. “That you decided to be friends.”

  Holly threw back her mess of curls and exhaled toward the sky. “I am so relieved!” She looked at me, her face still a bundle of nervousness. “I don’t know what I’d do if you thought I was some kind of two-timer. Seth is a good man but too serious for me. Know what I mean?”

  I hesitated. “Yes, I think I do.”

  “I mean, if anybody’s perfect for him that would be you!”

  I opened my mouth to answer, but it stuck there, frozen. Holly was exactly the fun-loving type Seth once wanted me to be, but the passage of time had brought change, making us both more cautious, thoughtful. After those first few startling moments of spotting Seth in Otter Bay, I’d believed that rekindling our friendship would be miraculous. Now I stood here, thinking about Seth, no longer a boy but a man. Could there be something more?

  “I wish . . . oh, I wish . . .”

  I tilted my head, waiting. “What do you wish?”

  Holly searched my face, and she had something big on her mind. You could not sit at this woman’s table as many times as I had and not know when she had something she wanted to share. She inhaled, her shoulders rising, but visibly shook off whatever thoughts pressed on her and released her breath.

  After a beat, she nodded toward the stairway, her forehead etched with worry lines. “Somebody’s been watchin’ you, Suz.”

  I squinted in the fading light. Len leaned against the rickety railing and gave me a slight wave. How long had he been there?

  “That your ex?”

  “Hmm. Yes.”

  “Well, then. ’Night, Suz. Thanks for understandin’.”

  “Sure. Of course.”

  She wandered away and I took my time wiggling pebbles out of my shoes, knowing that as Holly and her surfer friend made their way up the staircase, Len would probably pass them on the way down.

  “Figured I’d find you here.”

  “Hey, Len. Tried to call you earlier . . .”

  “I was on a job.”

  I nodded. “I bet you came by to talk to me about Jer. He’s with Callie right now, so I suppose this is as good a time as any to hash out some kind of visitation schedule.”

  “Suz.”

  I crossed my arms, tensing against the cold. “Yes?”

  He cupped my shoulders with his hands. “I’m not here to talk about Jer. I want to talk about us.”

  I wrinkled my forehead. “What do you mean ‘us’?”

  “You know . . . the letter I sent? I came back here for more than Jer—I came back for you too. You understand that, right?”

  There it was. What everyone had warned me about, the intentions I had suspected but never openly acknowledged nor embraced. Some small part of me may have wanted to believe we could turn back the hands of the clock and love each other again. That wispy belief dissipated, however, the second Len appeared at the studio, the first time I’d seen him in months. I couldn’t even accept the wilted flowers from his hands.

  Even so, I tried a little. For Jer’s sake, I tried to stay open to possibilities far outside my comfort zone. Although I hadn’t known about them, my pastor and his wife had weathered the unthinkable in their marriage—and emerged strong and healthy and whole again. Should I have tried harder to look for a similar miracle in my own life?

  Guilt tweaked my insides but not enough to make me change my mind.

  “You said something like that in your letter, yes.” I rubbed my lips together, unable to allow my eyes to connect with his. “But it’s too late.”

  His hands slid down my arms, stopping at my elbows. “Too late? No, Suz, it’s not too late for us to put what we had back together. Weren’t you the one always telling me to have faith? Where’s yours now?”

  I made myself look at him. I didn’t have all the answers, but I remembered the tears I crie
d when those divorce papers came. Len had lied, he cheated on me, but I never filed for divorce. He had done that. For months afterward, I obsessed over whether my signature on those papers effectively denied God the chance to do some kind of supernatural healing of our marriage.

  “Len, my faith is in God, not marriage. I can forgive you for the past—I already have, but I can’t be with you again, not in the way you’re talking about.”

  He dropped his hands to his side and clenched his jaw. “Why not?”

  I stood there as spray from the rising tide began to mist our feet. My eyes grew heavy and sad, and my insides shivered against the cold. Our relationship lacked more than a romantic spark. “I’m sorry. I don’t trust you anymore.”

  He drew back, his face incredulous. “Like I ever asked you to.”

  I jerked my head. “Excuse me?”

  He smirked, a familiar, unwelcome side of him emerging. “Never mind, but this conversation isn’t over, Suz.” Len ran one hand roughly through his hair, clearly agitated. “Not by a long shot.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Nor the night after that. Callie and Gage, each in their own way, tried to find out what had happened to cause me to become a poster child for insomnia. It didn’t matter how often I attempted to deny it either—the dark circles gave me away.

  So wouldn’t you know it? Sunday morning arrived and a knock on my bedroom door woke me from the soundest sleep I’d had in days.

  “Jer’s up. Come to church with us?”

  Although I heard my brother’s voice, the actor Simon Baker appeared in my head. I must have been dreaming about the Aussie with the sly smile and magnetic eyes. I blinked and threw off the covers. “Give me half an hour.”

  Forty minutes later, as I sipped coffee from a travel mug, the three of us arrived at church. Callie ditched camp early and joined us. She swooped down to Jer’s eye level and gave him a smooch. “How’s my bud? Having a nice weekend with your mama and Uncle Gage?”