Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature)

by Flann O'Brien

  2ND ENGINEER: Who’s thon?

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Who are you, sor?

  STRANGE ANT: (In refined English accent.) Matter of fact old boy I represent the Emperor of all the free ants and all that. Dropped into see you about fearfully boring imperial matters, imperial contribution and all that.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Sullenly.) We’ve ped all we owe.

  2ND ENGINEER: Ond we’ve kept in step, d’ye ondherstawnd.

  STRANGE ANT: Frightfully sorry but you must pay more, cost of living going up and all that.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: We’ve paid every penny we owe and delivered four mullion balls of food.

  STRANGE ANT: Not enough old man.

  2ND ENGINEER: It’s enough ond planty ond damn the more we’ll pay, d’ye ondherstawnd.

  STRANGE ANT: Magnificent dead beetle in your territory, must have that, you know, have instructions from higher up to annex it and attach it and so on. Food for the people in the Greater Ant Realm, fearfully important thing to keep them fed. Know how you feel and all that but it must be done, you know.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Savagely.) You’ll tack thon beetle over our dead bodies, so you wull.

  2ND ENGINEER: (Very excited.) We’ll die first, do ye hear, we’ll die first!

  STRANGE ANT: Do you mean war? Black shaow, war, you know. Fearful slaughter and bloodshed and all that. But rather glorious in its own queer way. Die for your country, you know. The supreme sacrifice. Altars and homes and all that.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Eff yew poot wun finger on thon beetle—

  2ND ENGINEER: Ye’ll be massacreed, d’ye hear.

  STRANGE ANT: By Jove I think this is treason! Treason. You are all frightfully Irish here.

  2ND ENGINEER: We’re loyal but we’re goin’ to keep thon beetle.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Is this the thanks we get for keepin’ in stup?

  STRANGE ANT: (In delighted amazement.) By George it’s a rebellion! These elements here are disaffected. Enemies of the Emperor of all the Ants! I say, this is quite a story! Really I must report back!

  2ND ENGINEER: Ye can go back to haal where ye came from!

  STRANGE ANT: An insurrection!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Eff ye want war it’s war ye’ll get, d’ye hear.

  STRANGE ANT: If you start insurrecting, you knaow, we’ll have to put you down with a firm hand. Suspend habeas corpus and all that. Really, I think we are going to have war here! A BLOODY . . . NOBLE . . . AND DISASTROUS WAR FOR HONOUR AND DECENCY.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: To orms, to orms! We’re being attacked!

  STRANGE ANT: (Going out.) No matter what you give them these damn people aren’t satisfied. They’re really hopeless, you knaow. Must report all this nonsense. We’ll wipe the blighters out and restore order.

  2ND ENGINEER: (Roaring after him.) May ye roast in haal!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: To orms! We’ll fieght them ond the Green Awnts as well. We’ll fieght everybody!

  (There is great activity; soldier-ants rush all over the place, bugles blow, sirens sound.)

  TRAMP: Well do you know what I’m goin’ to tell you. Do you know what it is. Them buggers is all mad. Down the road we have a dead beetle with his dirty bloody guts stickin’ out of him and all classes of bees and bluebottles tryin’ to ate him—a dirty useless-lookin’ sight. And these lads here wants to die for that. Nothin’ will do them but get slaughtered for a dead beetle. I’d die meself, of course, if I’d any reason to. I’d give me life this minute for a pint of porter and often risked me life for less. But a dead beetle! A DEAD BEETLE! Sure that’s a terrible reason for dyin’. The whole bloody lot of them is crackers.

  EGG: (Shouting.) Do you hear the mighty trumpets, the vast noises that announce my coming? The firmament resounds, I am nearly here!

  TRAMP: YOU’RE nearly here. Begob when you see what’s goin’ on here you won’t stay long then.

  (Activity among the ants has increased.)

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Eloquently.) Soldiers, friends, countrymen! We have to call the whole lot of ye to the colours. Not one wacked anemy is attackin’ us but TWO. The Amperor of the Awnts is attackin’ because we won’t give up our own beetle, ond them wacked Green Awnts is flyin’ at us too, some of them hardened speakers of Latin!

  2ND ENGINEER: We’ll have to call the weemen to the colours too. Ond the wee ants as well.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: At this great hour I have to proclaim meself Dactator!

  2ND ENGINEER: Three cheers for the Dactator!

  TRAMP: Good man yourself! Get out now and bate the lard out of them other fellas.

  2ND ENGINEER: We’ll fight for our altars ond our homes.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: We go to war proudly, seeking death or glory for our altars ond our homes ond the right to keep our own beetles, d’ye ondherstawnd. QUICK MARCH! I now assume commond of all our ormies. We fieght because we are attacked. I am with you till the last drop of me blood.

  2ND ENGINEER: We’ll all have to keep in stap with one another ond kill all them bustards that’s attackin’ us. We fight for the honour of our dead awnts of glorious and immortal memory. Quack march, to victory or death!

  (There is marching all about the stage, drums beat and bugles blow. A particularly large drum dominates the others.)

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Screaming.) Goodbye, now, soldiers, good luck, goodbye, fieght with all your might, never give in, shed the last drop of your blood, I’m here behind you all the time, make the world safe for your weemen and wee awnts, defand your altars and your homes, navver give in, navver NAVVER give in.

  2ND ENGINEER: Quack morch, blank two three fore! We’ll fight ond we’ll be rieght! The ormy is ready. Show no quarter!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee ones!

  2ND ENGINEER: Burn all before ye.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Ond kill all them bustards that speak Lotin, d’ye onderstawnd!

  (Troops keep marching past on their way to the front. A MESSENGER rushes in.)

  2ND ENGINEER: Wipe out everybody ye meet, tear the lights out of them Green Awnts. Ond them Red Awnts, do tham all in, roast them all in haal, cut them into wee bits, slaughter the whole domn lot!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Onwards, soldiers, to the soop-reme sacrifice, die for your altars ond your commonder-in-chief. Ond for your weemen and wee awnts. Well, what do you wont?

  MESSENGER: The Red Awnts has pooshed our forces back ond the Green Awnts is behind them pooshin’ them the other way. Half of our forces is destroyed.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Shouting.) Avverything is goin’ according to plan. Two more divisions to the front! Quack march! Your country calls! Onwards to death or glory! Show thot you’re worthy of your fathers of glorious ond immortal mamory! Quack march, laft, right, laft, right. . . .

  (Fresh regiments march out beating enormous drums. Great bangs are heard in distance.)

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Call fresh men to the colours! Get ready the reserves.

  EGG: Vast detonations shake the earth, thunderous music interferes with the rhythm of the spheres. The universe is in labour! Soon it will bring me forth!

  TRAMP: (Sotto voce.) I see.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: The great bottle is on! Second Angineer, wull ye issue a communique.

  2ND ENGINEER: (In a loud toneless voice.) Our preparations are proceeding according to plan. Ten thousand annemy troops are encircled and faced with annihilation. Our gallant forces, fieghting against tremendous odds, have occupied two thousand fortified points. The defeated annemy is being closely pursued. Mopping up operations are in progress. The morale of the troops is excellent.

  (Enter MESSENGER.)

  MESSENGER: The first, sacond, third, fourth ond fifth regiments has been completely destroyed.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: The bottle is progressing, a grand enormous bottle of annihilation is goin’ on, avverything’s goin’ according to plan. Send up more fresh troops! Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments, quack morch!

  TRAMP: If all this is goin’ accordin’ to plan, it’s a bloody queer plan, that’s all I have t
o say.

  2ND ENGINEER: Quack morch! Dath or glory!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Give out another communique!

  2ND ENGINEER: The annemy has lost half a million awnts in dead ond missing. The booty has not yet been counted but it is known thot a thousand annemy aircraft was destroyed on the ground. Mopping up operations are in progress.

  (A MESSENGER rushes in.)

  MESSENGER: The Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments has been wiped out. War has been declared on us by the Purple Awnts from across the sea because we’re at war with the Red Awnts. The Green Awnts has captured the Seventh Regiment and is torturin’ them ond makin’ them speak Lotin!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Roaring.) Quack morch, more regiments ond more drums. A great victory is axpacted! We are stronger now than when the war storted. Our production of aircraft ond munitions is staggerin’ and mountin’ every day. The tempo of our war effort increases. Call up the 50s. Forward gallant soldiers! The home front is behind ye!

  2ND ENGINEER: We’ll fight to the last drop of our blood. We will never capitulate, d’ye undherstawnd!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Send out forty thousand bombers right away!

  (Enter another MESSENGER.)

  MESSENGER: Two more regiments have been wiped out.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Call the wee awnts up for military service. Our gallant troops at the front is performin’ prodigies of valour. All must share in this glorious task!

  (Enter stretcher-bearers carrying a wounded ant. Others follow.)

  TRAMP: Ah begob your man is banjaxed. The unfortunate poor whore is bet.

  WOUNDED ANT: (Faintly.) Stop this, stop this. We are being cut to ribbons. A drink!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Move up another regiment! Give out another communique, Angineer!

  2ND ENGINEER: Formations of our aircraft have successfully carried out a heavy bombing raid on annemy territory. Harbour installations ond malatory objactives were successfully attacked. Bombs were seen to burst on the target area. Forty-five thousand annemy planes were shot down in air bottles. All our planes returned safely to their bases. . . .

  MESSENGER: Ond the Pink Awnts has declared war on us because we are at war with their friends the Red Awnts. Ond another thing has happened. . . .

  2ND ENGINEER: Ond what’s that?

  MESSENGER: The Green Awnts that talk Lotin is attackin’ the Green Awnts that doesn’t talk Lotin.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Loudly.) Our low ond despacable enemies are divided amongst themselves, they have all shot their leaders, there is terrible mutiny goin’ on, vactory is in sight.

  2ND ENGINEER: Avverything’s goin’ accordin’ to plan.

  (Several wounded ants have been carried in on stretchers. They groan hideously.)

  TRAMP: Ah your poor men, they have the insides shot out of them. Do you hear them lettin’ roars out of them!

  WOUNDED ANT: Shoot me! Put me out of me pain!

  TRAMP: Ah the poor bugger.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: I see a further massenger approaching. Get ready more reserves! Morch up another new ormy! Call up the wee awnts of sixteen!

  (A PHILANTHROPIST ANT with a red cross on him enters.)

  PHILANTHROPIST: Halp the wounded!

  TRAMP: Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers.

  PHILANTHROPIST: Halp the heroes, the glorious and immortal heroes.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Reinforcements! Hurry with the reserves! Here’s the massenger.

  TRAMP: (Tears off a button from his coat.) Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers. Here y’are, me son!

  (He puts the button in the box. Enter MESSENGER.)

  MESSENGER: The Tanth, Eleventh, Twalfth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth ond Saxteenth Ormies has been wiped out.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Our heroic men continue to fight gallantly. The annemy has sustained enormous losses. Give out another communique!

  MESSENGER: Ond the Savventeenth Ormy is now in the middle of bein’ wiped out too.

  2ND ENGINEER: Last night our troops fought the annemy along the whole front. Several fortified places ond inhabited localities was taken. Our troops are pursuing the defeated annemy. Mopping up operations are in progress.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Get me a wee spy-glass.

  2ND ENGINEER: (Shouting.) A wee spy-glass for the Commonderin-Chief!

  TRAMP: Begob it’s a good spy-glass you’ll want if it’s yerself winnin’ you want to see.

  (A soldier-ant brings a telescope.)

  CHIEF ENGINEER: The annemy is in headlong retreat!

  2ND ENGINEER: Vactory, vactory!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: We have captured ond invested five blades of grass.

  2ND ENGINEER: Vactory!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: The annemy has sustained enormous ond bloody losses. I see nothing but dead Green Awnts ond dead Red Awnts ond dead Pink Awnts. Ond dead Mauve Awnts. Ond dead Brown Awnts. Everybody is dead excapt our own awnts.

  2ND ENGINEER: A grond vactory for democracy and decency!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Now they’ve captured four more blades of grass! Vactory is assured!

  2ND ENGINEER: Tell them to take no prisoners. Slaughter avverybody! Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee awnts! A holy vactory!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: The ramnents of the beaten annemy is bein’ pursued. The Red Awnts ond their allies are annihilated. There’s nothing left to be done.

  2ND ENGINEER: —Only moppin’ up.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: We have fulfilled the glorious and immortal destiny of our race! Here, take the wee spy-glass!

  2ND ENGINEER: Isn’t it grond to be alive at this glorious ond immortal hour. Our gallant troops have covered thamsalves with glory.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Roaring.) Vactory is ours, right ond justice ond fairplay and democracy has prevailed. (Falls on his knees.) Great God of the Awnts, thou has deigned to bless the orms of thy faithful sar-vants, thou hast given us victory! I appoint thee an honorary member of our gallant ormy, with the rank of colonel. (He jumps up.) Twenty-first ond Twenty-sacond Ormies, forward! Quack morch, onward to the front! Take your place by the side of your gallant ond victorious comrades! Call up all reserves! Form the weemen ond wee awnts into battalions! All must fight at this glorious ond immortal hour. (Down on his knees again.) Righteous ond all-powerful God of all the Awnts, thou knowest how well we desarve the vactory thou has deigned to give us! (Jumps up.) Attack! Take no prisoners! Forward avverybody to the front! Set all the annemy prisoners on fire ond roast them! Tear up the wee prisoner awnts into wee bits! (Kneels.) Glorious ond immortal God of the Awnts, by our vactory thou hast conferred the priceless boon of peace on the world! (Jumps up.) Quack morch! Attack! We will navver retreat, we will navver give in, we’ll fight to the last drop of our blood for our hearths and our homes. We have won a glorious peace! The world is now a fit place for hero-awnts to live in!

  TRAMP: (Bending over CHIEF ENGINEER and talking to him softly.) The world? Did I hear you sayin’ THE WORLD? Sure Lord save us man this isn’t the world! Sure this here is only a lump of muck. I could kick the whole bloody issue from here to Carlow with wan root of me boot and you along with it!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Who are you? Why aren’t you doin’ your duty at this glorious hour?

  TRAMP: Who am I? O indeed faith you needn’t bother your barney about me. I’m only . . . an oul’ chap . . . lyin’ here . . . havin’ an odd jar to meself here. And I fought hard enough in me own day, too. God be with the oul’ Munsters and every dacent man that was in them. Ah, the oul’ crowd, you can’t beat them. But YOU! What’s all this cavortin’ and rampagin’ about? How many of these poor little bastards have you slaughtered? How many of them have you killed to make yerself a big fella?

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Haughtily.) I’ll pay no attention to the like of you. On behalf of all the Yalla Awnts I now crown meself Amperor.

  2ND ENGINEER: (Looking through glass.) Long live the Amperor!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: What can you see through the wee glass? Are we havin’ any more glorious vactories.

  2ND ENGINEER: The vactory is a wee bit delayed. The l
ast ormies we sent out is callin’ for reinforcements.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Make them hold out! Tell the generals to shoot down cowards that won’t fight! Send the weemen to the front!

  AN OFFICER: (Off-stage.) Quack morch, quack morch!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Ond the crapples ond wee awnts!

  2ND ENGINEER: Holy Gawd, all our glorious ormies is in full flight. The Red Imperial Awnts is after them ond after them again is the Green Awnts.

  CHIEF ENGINEER: To orms, to orms! Avverybody must fight! Protact the Amperor.

  (The confused noises of battle are heard coming closer and closer. The screams of wounded fill the air.)

  2ND ENGINEER: Our ormies are bein’ massacreed!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: Protact the Amperor! The Amperor!

  A SHOUT: Back, Back! Stop! Stop!

  ANOTHER SHOUT: Run, RUN! Avvery man for himself! Run, RUN!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (Screaming.) Where is the Amperor’s personal bodyguard? Fight, ye bustards, FIGHT!

  (Two yellow soldier-ants rush in. Din of battle increases off-stage.)

  SOLDIERS: We’re bin’ slaughtered! Escape!

  2ND ENGINEER: Go back ond fight, ye dirty cowards. Fight for your country ond your Amperor! FIGHT!

  CHIEF ENGINEER: (To soldiers.) I commond ye as your Amperor to protact me ond be my bodyguard!

  SOLDIERS: Away out o’ that, ye wee bustard!

  (They kill him as they rush out again right.)

  2ND ENGINEER: Holy God, we’re captured! The lights, put out the lights! It’s the only chance to escape. The lights!

  (Several Red ants rush in. The lights go out. There is terrific turmoil and noise.)

  2ND ENGINEER: Fight on to the last! AH——

  (He groans, evidently mortally hit. A faint light in the centre of the stage indicates that it is filled with victorious Red and Allied Ants. There is great clanking of weapons and confused noise. Then a refined ENGLISH VOICE says:)

  ENGLISH VOICE: Phew, jolly hard going. We’ve wiped out the bastards. Deserve what they get, too, dim shaow attacking us, you knaow.

  COCKNEY VOICE: (In alarm.) Gorblimey, the Green Awnts!

  (There is a rush and some Green Awnts are discerned fighting madly with the Red Ants, though most of the fighting is off-stage, judging by the row. When the battle has subsided, the centre of the stage is occupied by victorious Green Ants. A voice with a thick southern brogue is heard.)