by Leah Adams
“I have always been in love with Elizabeth. Even with her death, I still loved her. I didn’t care that she died saying she hated me for what I had become.” He told me, holding my hand and staring at it like it was the most beautiful thing in the world. “But then I meant you. I saw so much of her in you. That same confidence that made me love her made me want to know you. But you are different from her. She would have had me and Jay playing against each other and would have bullied both of us; because she knew we both loved her. She would have done it because of what we were. I can see you like Jay and you don’t know if you love him or not. I can also see you want to make the right choice for you, but also for us. So, I’ll tell you, I could fall in love with you, Bonnie, but I won’t let you fall in love with me.”
I blinked at him not understanding and not knowing why I felt like crying. He looked up at me and I could see a pained expression on his face.
“If I was human I would fight for you. I would marry you and want to grow old with you. But I can’t do that and I won’t let you give up your life for me. I was selfish with Elizabeth and now she’s dead. I won’t do that to you. You deserve so much more than what I could ever give you.”
“Why can’t I have the choice?” I asked, feeling tears feel my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was crying. I wasn’t in love with him. Was I? No, I couldn’t be. I should be happy that he didn’t want to take my soul, yet I felt like fighting him to take it. “Don’t sit there and tell me what you think is best for me. My parents do that enough. Let me make my own choices.”
“Bonnie, where do you see yourself in ten years?” He asked, staring at me. I just stared at not understanding why he had asked that. “You want to know where I see myself in ten years.” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “I see myself still seventeen and going through another year of high school. I see myself watching life passed me by as I say the same. What I am isn’t natural.”
“Don’t say that.” I said, for some odd reason I felt like I was hearing Elizabeth speaking for him. He told me she had said something like this to him.
“No, Bonnie to love me and be with me, you will want to be like me. You will want to stop your life so you could be with me. I can’t let that happen. I won’t let you wonder about the life you never got to live because of me. I stay up at night and think about that sometimes. The life I never got to live. I wanted to be a Doctor and maybe run for mayor, my father was mayor. I had my whole life planed and now I have to be this. You may not care now Bonnie, but in the future you will see I’m right.”
There were so many things racing through my mind, but nothing seemed like it was right to say to what he had said.
He was right. Could I really see myself being seventeen forever? Watching my family and friends grow old and die while nothing about me changed.
A life unlived.
I could see myself with my friends going to movies, going away to college, picking out things to wear to work, and maybe getting married.
To be with him I would have to step out of my world and into his.
There were things I wanted to do.
My friends and I had things we wanted to do together. I couldn’t even see a life without calling Ang or Beth, because I didn’t want them to know about a world I was now a part of.
I couldn’t see myself never seeing my sister again. I couldn’t see not watching Luria want to wear make-up because she had a crush. I couldn’t even see not hearing my mom yell at me because I wanted to go out on a date.
It wasn’t like the forbidden four were my whole life. They were a part of my life, but I had this whole life outside of them.
Friends, family, and things I wanted to do in the future.
I suddenly understood why the forbidden four never really got to know other people at our school.
Why get to know someone when you knew you could only be friends with them for so long or that they would be in danger because someone would fear they know your secret?
To be what they are I would have to take people’s soul or life force. Could I really do that?
To be with Jay or Leon I would be giving up on my life and to not be with them I would be giving up on a life I could have with either of them.
“I need to get going.” I said. Before I could get out of the car I felt his hand go around my arm.
“I know you,” Leon said. “Before you make any decision just remember what you would be giving up.”
I shook my head getting out of the car.
I knew to be with Leon or Jay I would be giving up on more than just my life, I would be giving up my world.
I guess everything had its price, but I just didn’t know if I was willing to pay.
Chapter 21
I Flirted With Death Why Not Make Out With It
Waking up, Monday morning, felt like hell.
Even when I got into the shower I felt like my day wasn’t going to be bright at all.
I didn’t feel like going to school or pretending nothing bad had happened. I didn’t want to think about what Leon had told me nor did I want to see him.
That was the first time ever. I thought with a sigh. I always wanted to see him.
After I got out of the shower I went to the kitchen and grinned when I saw my sister sitting down at the table with two plates in front of her.
“One of those for me?” I asked, sitting down.
She moved a plate down the table and passed me a fork.
I eyed the clock and saw that I had time to enjoy the food.
“Yup, just saying thank you,” She smiled and then added. “Your friend is really nice.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about that.” I began as I took a bite. “I should have let you know that he was taking her home.”
“Don’t worry about it,” She smiled, drinking some of her coffee. “I trust you.”
I grinned. “You know you’re going to have to teach me how to cook. I only have one more year to live here and then I’m going away for college. If I don’t learn how to cook I’ll just waste away.”
Mary laughed. “So, you’re going away?” She asked, with a soft smile.
I stopped eating and stared at her.
“I don’t know what college I’m going to yet, but I kind of always wanted to get away from our parents.” I laughed. “But….”
I don’t know if I’m ready to leave without knowing where I stood with the forbidden four. I didn’t want to leave and always have to wonder what if. There was also the matter of a pixie wanting to kill me.
“But should you listen to your heart or your head?” Mary grinned, nodding her head. “I was there before. I’m not that much older then you.”
“I know, but this is different. I’m not dating anyone.” I said, playing with the food. “I want to go away, but I don’t want to look back and wonder what if.”
“I’m going to say something to you that will make you think I am crazy.” She paused and I stared at her waiting. “Mom was kind of right.”
“Yes, I do think you’re crazy.” I laughed.
“Listen,” Mary laughed. “Mom didn’t want me to get married so young because she knew that it was going to be hard. It’s not like Rick is rich and we would never have to work, but at that time I didn’t care. I was just happy because I wanted to be with him. He was my soul mate.” She said the word ‘soul mate’ like she was some kind of love sick girl. “I wanted to be with him and still do. But I will admit sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I waited to get married. I mean I have this low paying job….”
“But what about the interview?”
“Didn’t get it,” Mary gave me a false smile.
“Mary, I’m sorry,” I told her.
She shook her head and smiled. “It’s fine. But anyway I understand what Mom was saying.”
“She didn’t have to say it to you the way she’s been doing all these years.”
“Mom was only sixteen when she had me.” Mary said, watching me.
; “What?” I let out not being able to believe her.
“Yeah, granddad through her out and she had to make her own way.” Mary said, softly.
“But dad?” I frowned.
“He’s not my biological father.”
“What?” I asked, shocked. “But everyone says you and dad are just alike.”
“He is my dad, blood couldn’t make us closer.” Mary smiled. “But, you might not remember how I rebelled all those times when I was a teen?”
I did.
The last time I had thought about it was when we were both in the car together, right before I saw Jay at the mall. That seemed so long ago. I didn’t know what he was at that time.
“Yeah,” I murmured.
“That’s when I found out.” Mary told me, she looked like she was going to cry. “I hated her and him. I even didn’t like you very much.” I frowned. “You had a dad who loved you and mine run out on me and mom.”
“But, you just said….”
“Yes, he’s my dad, but it took me a long time to be okay with saying that.” Mary frowned. “He’s the only dad I have ever known. Image founding out when you’re in your last year of high school that the man you called father isn’t really your father and that your parents both have been lying to you all these years. I felt like an outside. I even wondered if he loved me or if he just put up with me.”
“Mary, you know he does.” I said, wanting to cry.
“I know he does, I think I knew then, but I just couldn’t take the lie.” Mary frowned. “So, I did everything she told me not to do. I felt it was better. All this time I had thought she was perfect and didn’t make mistakes, but she had and her mistake was me. In my head that was why she pushed me so hard, because she didn’t want me to make the same mistake. I kept thinking I was the mistake. That was why she pushed me so hard and not you. So, I wanted to prove her wrong. I got married in high school, and had children and didn’t go to the college she wanted me to go to. I wanted to so badly to let her see that just because she loved my father didn’t mean I had to be a mistake.”
“You’re not a mistake Mary.”
“Yeah, well sometimes I think she thinks that.” Mary frowned. “Sometimes she looks at me like she sees Jim and not me. That’s why I hated you. Because when she looked at you she didn’t see Jim, she saw our dad. She always tells you don’t be like Mary.”
“Mom loves you.” I whispered.
“I know she does, in her own way, it’s just she doesn’t know how to forgive me, yet.” She grinned. “But I’m telling you this because I want you to make your decision because you want to do it, not because you feel like getting back at anyone. I know how hard it can be listening to what everyone tells you to do, so you think I’ll just do this because I don’t want people telling me what to do any more. But don’t do that. Do it because you want to. So you don’t have to look back and worried what if.”
I shook my head.
“Do you like your life?” I asked.
“I love it.” Mary smiled. “I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and a great little sister.” I laughed. “But sometimes like I said I wondered what if.”
“Okay,”
“Bonnie, don’t tell anyone I told you this.” Mary said. “Mom doesn’t want you to know.”
“It doesn’t matter Mary.” I whispered. “You’re still my sister no matter who your father is.”
She smiled and I hugged her.
By the time I got to school I was crying. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall down my face.
Mary had given me a lot to think about. She and I not having the same biologic father meant nothing to me. She was my sister, no half, just my sister.
I wasn’t going to think about this now. Now I was going to go to school and worry about all of this later.
Sighing, I finally got out of my car and walked to the school. It was a nice hot day and soon summer would be here.
That meant senior year. I grinned just thinking about it.
“Yeah Bonnie.” I heard Beth yell.
“Hey, Beth,” I said.
“That was some party, huh?” She laughed. “Through, I saw you and Jay go upstairs. Was there a nice party going on up there?”
I rolled my eyes and then blushed when Jay’s words echoed in my head. “Pet, the only preference I have is you.”
“Is that a blush I see?” Beth nearly yelled. “I was joking! You didn’t? How was it? Wait, don’t tell me. I’ll just die.”
“I didn’t do anything.” I yelled, walking to my locker. “We didn’t do anything.”
She eyed me carefully as if she was trying to see if I was telling the truth. I stared at her wondering why she was acting as if I would lie about something like that.
I noticed how her blue crystal clear eyes looked like Jay’s and how she had the same shade of blonde hair as Leon. The more I looked at her the more I noticed she was perfect. She would fit right in with the forbidden four if she wanted too.
I sighed, shaking my head. I needed to stop think about the forbidden four. I was now even comparing one of my best friends with them.
“If you did anything I would totally be okay with that.” She smiled.
“Oh for the love of….I didn’t do anything.” I let out, angrily. “In fact we haven’t even kissed yet.”
YET! Why in the world would I say that?
“He hasn’t kissed you yet, huh?” She frowned then turned her head to the side. She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “He will. You’re too perfect not to want to kiss.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Well I need to get to class.” I frowned.
“Yup, see you at lunch.” She smiled and took off down the hall. I watched as she stopped right by her boyfriend and he grabbed her things from her hand. They held hands as they both walked off. I wasn’t sure if something like that was in my future.
“Bonnie,” I jumped and then turned.
Keith.
“I need to go to class, before the bell rings.” I said, not wanting to talk to him. He could talk to Madison if he wanted to talk.
“Bonnie, you can’t keep avoiding me.” Keith told me as I walked into my class.
“I didn’t realize I was avoiding you.” I said not sure if he heard me over the ringing of the first bell.
By the time school was over I was ready to scream. Not only had I not seen the forbidden four, but Keith had shown up every time my class was over and even tried to get my attention during lunch. Which made me leave the cafe to ask one of my teachers’s if they needed any help that period.
“Helping the teacher during lunch hour was really a bad move, Bonnie.” Keith told me as I walked to my car.
I looked at him and sighed. “What do you want?”
“Come on Bonnie, why are you acting like you hate me?” He asked. I continued to glare at him wondering why I was as well, but I was too proud to say anything. He sighed after it was clear I wasn’t going to say anything. “If this is about Madison….”
“I don’t care about Madison.” I screamed, opening up my door. I may have said the words, but my actions were proving to show something else.
“Bonnie, I don’t like Madison.” Keith told me. I paused at stared at him. “I’ll admit that after our date I could tell that the only reason you said you was sick was to spear my feelings.” What did the forbidden four make him think? “So, I’ll admit I tried something with Madison. I know you didn’t like me like that, but she did. But I know now I don’t like her very much. I can only take so much of her at a time.”
I laughed and saw him smile.
“I’m sorry for acting the way I have.” I told him, I honestly meant it. “I have just been kind of out of it lately.”
“It’s fine.” He grinned. “But I hope we can still talk and be friends. I don’t want that date to make things weird between us.”
“I don’t either.” I responded.
“What are you two talking about?” I looked over
my shoulder and saw Jay.
He didn’t seem angry but rather amused.
Then I noticed his skin wasn’t that beautiful shade of a golden tanned. He was even wearing dark sunglasses to hide his wonderful eyes.
“I’ll talk to you later, Bonnie.” Keith nodded with a laugh. He then stared at Jay and nodded his head. Jay nodded back and I frowned.
Why were they acting like they were talking without talking?
Once Keith walked away I folded my arms. “What was that about?”
Jay shrugged his shoulders. “He’s not half bad. He cares about you, so I respect that.”
“You two have been talking or something?” I asked staring at Keith’s back as he walked back into school, heading to practice most likely. “The last time you two were together you wanted to kill each other. Now you two have an understanding….” I paused, my eyes going big. “You didn’t use dust on him, did you?”
“Every time someone likes me you think I used my dust on them.”
“Well how else would they like you?” I teased.
He laughed, “What’s your reason then?”
“Not funny.” I frowned, folding my arms. “I don’t like you.”
“Pet,” Jay sighed, and then changed the subject. “Are you hungry?”
I just shrugged my shoulders; something told me that Jay wouldn’t have used dust on Keith for something like that. Jay seemed like he would rather hurt Keith, then been his friend that night.
“I could eat.” I smiled finally, not knowing why I wanted to spend some time with Jay.
We sat in a booth, at that pizza place I had told him about, in silence. Until the waitress had come over.
“Do you want anything to drink?” She smiled warmly at Jay and briefly at me.
I told her what I wanted and Jay did as well.
She walked off.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Nothing,” He sighed, and leaned back in the booth.
“Jay,” I pressed.
“Jennifer showed up at my party with some of her friends.” He frowned. “What pissed me off was the fact that she had the nerve to show her face.”
‘No wondered he looked so pale.’ I thought.