Manic Monday: (Dane Monday 1)

by Dennis Liggio

  "Here," said Dane, tossing her a weird ivory dodecahedron object that was a little larger than a golf ball. One side of it had a half inch protrusion of metal that was round and the size of a dime. "It's the Enochian Omnitool I mentioned."

  "How does it work?" asked Abby, staring at the weird object in her hand.

  "Just put that metal part on whatever lock you want, it does the rest. So put it on the ignition."

  Abby followed his instructions. The metal part seemed to attach magnetically to the ignition. She eerily heard some breathy tones sung in a language she didn't recognize as the tool glowed for a moment. Then it returned to its previously inert state, still attached to the ignition. She gave it a turn and the car started up. "That's amazing! You could open anything with this!"

  "That's why I have it!" said Dane from the backseat. "The last thing I want to be blocked by is a simple locked door!"

  There was a robotic growl from the tree line.

  "Umm, I think you should drive," said Dane.

  "Good idea," said Abby, putting the car into gear and pressing her foot heavily down on the accelerator.

  As the car drove off after a screech of tires, one of the robot animals leapt out into the road. It took it just a moment to turn and see the car racing away. It immediately began running after the car. Since it was a robot and not subject to the restrictions of mere flesh, it was able to pursue with all the speed its piston-based mechanics allowed.

  "It's gaining on us!" said Dane. "Drive faster!"

  "This is a heavy car built for luxury, not speed!" said Abby. "It'll get faster but it accelerates really poorly! Don't you have something in your bag that helps?"

  "Uh," said Dane, looking out the back window at the robotic tiger charging at them. It was definitely gaining on them. The cat's running had shaken off most of the dirt that had covered it, showing it as the metallic monstrosity it truly was.

  "Dane!" said Abby, her hands clutching the wheel and her foot pressing against the pedal as hard as she could. She saw the robot in the side view mirror and knew damn well that object was closer than it appeared. "Do something!"

  Dane had looked through his satchel and he could think of nothing which could stop a robotic tiger that could run as fast as a car. Well, a slow car. He started looking around the backseat for anything that could help. Nothing he found seemed useful: jumper cables, an umbrella, a tire iron, an opened pack of beef jerky and a water damaged novel. He could think of no way any of those would help against the crazy robotic feline that was almost behind them. Right behind them, he thought with panic, seeing the cat was at their bumper.

  With a crunch, the robotic tiger chomped down on the car's bumper. Abby screamed. The car swerved and Dane was tossed against one of the doors. Its jaw now firmly in the bumper, the cat stopped running, trying to dig its metal claws into the road. Abby had not let up on the accelerator, so sparks began to fly where the cat's paws scraped the road. It wasn't causing them to stop, but it was making them go much slower. Looking behind them, Dane saw that much farther back down the road and still at a great distance was the other robotic cat. It was running toward them.

  "Dane, I need you to do something about that panther!" said Abby. "There's nothing I can do up here other than keep driving!"

  Dane nodded. He guessed it was time for brute force. It was never his first choice, but there was nothing else he could think of. He grabbed the tire iron and covered his face with one arm. With the other he swung the tire iron at the rear window. In two hits, it had shattered into pieces. Abby screamed and the screeching noises of the trailing cat robot were even louder.

  "What are you doing?" yelled Abby. "You're supposed to be saving the car, not destroying it more!"

  Dane ignored Abby's criticism and carefully climbed out onto the trunk. Due to the robot cat's effect, the car wasn't going that fast, but it was definitely bumpy. Dane felt the wind in his hair, but this wasn't any faster than a robot driven sewer hovercraft, so he almost felt like he was in his element.

  The tiger robot's red eyes seemed to follow him as he climbed out. It seemed to wonder what he was doing, but its mouth and all its limbs were currently engaged, so there wasn't a thing it could do other than watch. As Dane got closer, he moved to a precarious standing position. Suddenly it was a lot like a sewer hovercraft.

  With a yell, he swung the tire iron down on the robot's head. There was a hollow clang of metal on metal, but for the most part it just bounced off. Seeing the second cat gaining, he knew he needed to do better. He tried aiming for the robot's red eyes, suspecting that was a weak point. But accuracy was an issue at high speed when trying to keep his balance. He settled for hitting it repeatedly, partially in frustration, while trying to strike its eyes. He also yelled at it: "Bad kitty! Bad kitty!"

  The first few hits did nothing but vent some of Dane's frustration and make his arm hurt with the vibration, but the fourth hit struck true. With a spark and a shattering of red glass, the tire iron struck the robot cat in the eye. Dane half expected to get a shock through the tire iron, but he felt nothing other than the satisfaction of breaking through its defense. The robot tiger did not let go, but Dane now had a weakness to exploit.

  Dane leaned forward and grabbed the tire iron with both hands, leaving the tip of it in the tiger's eye. He jammed the tire iron in deeper, then began twisting it around. Just like with all of Honnenheim's inventions, he knew if you could get inside to the chocolaty goodness, it was fragile and easily destroyed with brute force and continued poking. After a few moments of jabbing and twisting the tire iron, Dane was rewarded with another spark. Then the robot tiger's jaw suddenly sprung open.

  The car immediately lurched forward, no longer slowed by the heavy robot trying to drag it to a halt. Dane smartly let go of the tire iron, still lodged in the tiger and reached out for any handhold on the car as his footing disappeared in the car's sudden acceleration.

  "You did it, Dane!" said Abby, looking in the side mirror and seeing the inactive panther in the middle of the road getting farther and farther away. The other panther had just caught up to it, but the car had already accelerated too fast. The second panther had no chance to catch the car now. Then she noticed the lack of response. "Dane?"

  She looked in the rear view mirror, seeing just the broken rear window, but no Dane.

  "Dane?"

  In a moment, an arm reached through the shattered window. Then it pulled forward and another arm grabbed the inside. The wind whipping his hair, she saw Dane pull himself forward, throwing himself into the backseat.

  As Dane struggled for breath, Abby wondered if he was okay. She knew she shouldn't stop the car in case the robot panthers showed up, so she couldn't stop and check on him. The road started to curve and she had to cut her speed to what felt reasonable for the road. She was still far above the posted speed limit, but she had not yet seen another car on this road. She assumed it was a rarely travelled country road. But where were they?

  She got her answer a few moments later as the trees thinned and the road came up on an intersection. A sign said NEW AVALON 20 and there was an arrow pointing to the left. She took the turn and found herself on the highway north of New Avalon. Out here the highway was just two lanes on each side, no access road, and wasn't elevated. It might as well just have been some random road if not for the highway signs.

  Dane wheezed. "That was fun, but I'm in no hurry to do that again."

  "What, Dane Monday is finally not excited about something?" said Abby. "He doesn't want to go round two with robotic panthers?"

  "I still think they were more of robotic tigers."

  "I don't care what they are as long as we are away from them," said Abby. "They almost made me wish I was back there digging my grave. Almost."

  Dane just nodded, then leaned over to cough.

  "You okay back there?" said Abby. "You want to take a turn driving?"

  "Nah, I don't drive," said Dane.

  "You don't drive?"

 
; "It's... it's just really not my thing. Rocket bikes, sure. But cars? Not my thing."

  There was a long pause.

  "Do you even know how to drive a car?" said Abby.

  There was another pause. "No."

  "Dane Monday, fighter of robots, discoverer of secrets, bane of villainy, does not know how to drive a car?"

  "I don't, okay?" he said. "It's just.... well, it's never seemed important."

  "Wow, it's even a touchy subject."

  "Would you just focus on driving?" said Dane. "Look, there's another car coming the other way. Watch out it seems to be... travelling really fast." His voice dropped at the end.

  Now on the highway, Abby was going a much more legal speed. Normally they'd see many other cars, but it was late at night, so the road was empty. But now there were headlights coming the other direction. They hadn't even been there a moment ago, but now they were coming toward their car with great speed.

  "I've got a bad feeling," said Abby.

  "You too? I worried it was just me," said Dane.

  The headlights came closer and then rushed past them. As it passed, both Dane and Abby looked over at the passing car. It looked to be a non-descript olive colored sedan with tinted windows. Ugly, but otherwise not of consequence.

  "I guess that was a false alarm," said Dane.

  Abby, however, was watching the car in the rear view mirror. She watched as it braked sharply, its tires screeching, then it drove over the median to turn around and enter their lane. It started accelerating.

  "No, I think this is definitely real alarm time," said Abby.

  Dane squinted through the broken rear window, trying to see what the car was doing. "What, did the cat robots hitch a ride?"

  "Wrong direction," said Abby. "This came from toward the city."

  They expected this new car to accelerate and rush past them. Or they hoped, at least. Instead, once it had caught up to them, it slowed, matching their speed.

  Dane looked at the car, trying to stare through its illegally tinted window, but he couldn't get a look at the driver. This became a moot point seconds later when the roof of the car, the windows, and everything holding the roof on suddenly ejected, flinging the whole setup into the air. It crashed down on the road behind the car. There was no interior of this car. Instead, the whole inside had been covered over with sheets of steel, probably hiding electronics. The upper portion of two robots, likely welded directly into the car, turned toward Dane and Abby's car. These were very similar to the R-36/R-37 robots seen earlier in the day. They had guns mounted on their shoulders. From the back seat, a large vid screen rose from the car, then turned to angle itself at Dane. Honnenheim appeared on the screen, his bearded and bandaged visage wearing an expression halfway between gloating and annoyance.

  "Oh come on!" said Dane in exasperation.

  "Monday!" said Honnenheim. "You have thwarted me for the last time!"

  "It's always the last time!" Dane shouted back.

  "This time you will not escape!" challenged Honnenheim.

  "We're in a speeding car," shouted Dane. "We're not even trapped. This seems the most likely time we'll escape!"

  "Dane, are you sure you should be taunting the madman who's trying to kill us repeatedly?" asked Abby, her hands on the wheel and trying to get more speed out of the car.

  "Fire!" shouted Honnenheim.

  The cannons on the robots fired. Instead of superheated plasma, they erupted with a stream of small pieces of metal. Dane flung himself away from the window and Abby ducked as low as she could while keeping her eyes on the road. All of the windows shattered instantaneously and small metal pieces rebounded within the car before coming to a rest. Luckily once they were rebounding, the metal bits lacked their previous force and were deflected off Dane and Abby's clothes harmlessly. Eventually the robots stopped firing, either reloading, at Honnenheim's command, or possibly due to a glitch in their programming.

  Dane picked up one of the small pieces of metal. It was like a small thorn.

  "Needles?" said Dane incredulously. "Needles?" he shouted at Honnenheim. "You're shooting us with needles? What happened to the plasma guns and lasers?"

  "None of those seemed effective to fire on a rapidly moving target such as a car," said Honnenheim. "Needles work better."

  "But needles, Honnenheim, needles?" shouted Dane. "Where's the class in needles? Plasma cannons, lasers, death rays, those are all classy. But needles? I feel like you're above needles."

  "Are you really sure you should be pissing him off?" said Abby in a low voice made a little louder to rise above the wind whipping through the space where there once were windows.

  "Trust me, I known Honnenheim," said Dane in an equally low voice. "Just be ready if we need any fancy maneuvers."

  Honnenheim seemed to be considering Dane's words carefully. "I admit that needles are not quite as elevated an idea as energy based weapons. But energy based weapons are not the solution for every problem."

  "I would think for a man of your intelligence, you would find a way to make energy based weapons a solution to every problem," shouted Dane. "I mean, you are a Honnenheim, aren't you? Why are you shooting needles at me? Needles are so... common." Even in a yell, Abby could hear how Dane had really telegraphed the disgust in his final word.

  "I don't believe there's anything common about needles..." began Honnenheim.

  "I don't want to hear about it," shouted Dane. "You have an entire car frame to store a power source or to anchor your weapons. It's not like these are drone chassis. There's plenty of space to build in enhancements for energy based weapons. I really feel like you got lazy on this one. You had all these design opportunities but you decided to just stick to R-36s -"

  "They're R-37s," interrupted Honnenheim in a sulky voice.

  "You just decided to stick R-37s in a car body and call it a day. But then you had a targeting issue. But did you solve the targeting issue?"

  "Yes," said Honnenheim.

  "Did you truly solve the targeting issue?"

  "No," said Honnenheim in his sulky voice again.

  "So do you really want this to be the time you finally kill me? Knowing that you really just kind of phoned in this death trap. I mean, the robot tigers? Really nice touch. I didn't expect those at all. They're new, aren't they?"

  "Yes," said Honnenheim. "But they're robot panthers, not tigers."

  "Ha!" said Abby. "I told you they were panthers!"

  "I'm sorry," said Dane. "But those were really cool. Quite a marvel. But this? A beat up ugly car with R-37s and needle guns? Not so good at all."

  "I was on a tight schedule," said Honnenheim. "There's only so much time to design and construct murder bots. And you keep surviving. If you'd just die I wouldn't have to iterate so much."

  "Now Professor Honnenheim, you're not being fair. If you had a nemesis who you could just easily kill without much thought, it wouldn't be much of a nemesis, would it? It wouldn't be a testament to your brilliance at all, would it?"

  "No," said Honnenheim in his sulk.

  "So I'm thinking we should just call a truce so you can design or deploy something really awesome to kill me. Then you can get on the vid screen, have your monologue, and we can have a nice conflict as hunter and hunted," shouted Dane. "I'll even... I'll even let you say The game is afoot and not make fun of it."

  "Really?" said Honnenheim.

  "Just this once, but yeah," said Dane. He turned to Abby and rolled his eyes.

  "Fine," said Honnenheim. "I will withdraw my forces for now. But do not think this is kindness, Monday. This is no reprieve. I will return, Monday, mark my words. Your death will be on my hands!"

  Dane said nothing in response. The robot car began decelerating, disappearing as Abby leaned on the accelerator to put as much distance between the death car and their own sad, beat up, windowless car.

  "I can't believe that worked," said Abby.

  "Sometimes knowing the twisted mind of a mad scientist can be useful," sai
d Dane. "All part of my plan!"

  Abby turned to give him an incredulous look.

  "I also can't believe that worked," conceded Dane.

  "Is he secretly just stupid or does he have the maturity of a child?" said Abby.

  "Of the two, I'd think the latter," said Dane. "I mean, how mature are you if you think conquering the world is a worthwhile life goal?"

  "And I sometimes think you are an adolescent."

  "You do?" said Dane.

  "You seem to be thrilled to fight robots, stick your nose where it doesn't belong, and jump headfirst into danger. Adolescent to me, but feel free to take it as a compliment."

  "At least I somehow talked Honnenheim down," said Dane.

  "I am still in awe of that," said Abby. "I really can't believe we made it!"

  "I guess it helps having a villain who's kind of stupid," said Dane with a laugh. "I mean, did you see how he swallowed all that?"

  "Uh," said Abby, looking in the rear view mirror.

  "It wouldn't be a testament to your brilliance at all - can you believe he bought that?"

  "Uh Dane?" said Abby, seeing the headlights in her rearview.

  "I even bought him off with letting him say The game is afoot!" said Dane. "I'm still chuckling over that one."

  "Dane?" said Abby.

  The lights were upon them. Behind them was Honnenheim's robot death car. The robots were pointing their cannons toward their car. Honnenheim's gigantic face on the vid screen was turned toward them.

  "THE GAME IS AFOOT, MONDAY! I decided I couldn't wait! Your death comes now!"

  Robot Death Car

  "I thought we were waiting!" shouted Dane as the robot death car loomed behind them. "What happened to the truce?"

  "I decided that I did not want to wait," said Honnenheim. "Why should I let you through my grasp?"

  "But it will not be satisfying!" said Dane, digging through his satchel, trying to figure new and unorthodox ways to use his gadgets for this new threat.