Longbourn to London

by Beutler Linda

  So this is how it is, Mrs. Gardiner observed. Fanny gives Lizzy no quarter. Why did I think the security of seeing two daughters very well married would change her? “Lizzy, if it is no inconvenience to your mother, perhaps we can converse privately in the small sitting room. I have some suggestions for your gown and trousseau, and nightgowns…and so forth.”

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened; she nodded and looked down at her plate, which she had scarcely touched. Mrs. Gardiner noticed Elizabeth had not taken her usual hearty helpings, and was chasing a morsel of ham around her plate without seeming to want to catch it. Mrs. Gardiner reflected upon the previous evening and recalled it had been much the same at dinner, even with Mr. Darcy by her side. Elizabeth was too discomfited to eat.

  “Oh, yes, Lizzy! You and your aunt must make lists first; it so aids the shopping. You will be much less likely to forget anything. No one needs the back sitting room now, Sister.” Mrs. Bennet was delighted to have Elizabeth out from underfoot and in someone else’s charge. “Take as long as you like. Once you have organised yourselves, you can begin placing your orders tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, Sister, you are most obliging,” Mrs. Gardiner replied, perceiving the motives of her sister-in-law. “Whenever you have finished eating, Lizzy, we can take our tea in there.”

  Once settled across from each other in two armchairs behind a closed door, Mrs. Gardiner had the chance to examine Elizabeth particularly. It was extraordinary to see her vivacious niece sitting still, staring at the folded hands in her lap. Elizabeth looked tense and tired. Mrs. Gardiner was sincerely cross when she said, “Elizabeth Bennet, I am astonished to see you behaving like a lamb being led to slaughter.”

  Elizabeth met her aunt’s eyes with alarm.

  “You, of all people, should know to think sensibly and consider the source of all you have heard. To put it bluntly, your Aunt Phillips is the town sot, and your mother wishes to make marital relations sound horrific so neither you nor Jane will anticipate your vows. I prefer to believe you and Jane will be most pleasantly surprised when the time comes, especially you, Lizzy.”

  Elizabeth gaped at her aunt, her mouth opening like a beached perch.

  “Close your mouth, dear. You will catch flies. Now honestly, Lizzy, what are you afraid of? That the man you adore will not treat you with consideration and affection? To have earned the love of a man of Darcy’s intelligence and nobility, to say nothing of his obvious physical superiority to any other man I have ever seen, well, it should make you proud of yourself, not fill you with trepidation. He is ready to dote on you if you will get out of your own way and let him!”

  “He is gorgeous, is he not?” Elizabeth whispered. “I have never told him so, but now we are betrothed, and he looks at me the way he does, Aunt, it is all I can do not to throw myself at him. I am much more fearful of myself than of him.” She looked into her aunt’s kindly eyes, and continued. “The dreams I am having! I am certain they are provoked by what I have been told will happen, but I am appalled to not be more…ashamed by what I have envisioned. I judge myself a thorough wanton when I awaken. Yet, what I dream seems so real and so overwhelming. I have dreamt that he—”

  Mrs. Gardiner put her hand up. “Stop right there, Elizabeth. I have no wish to know your dreams. Do not disparage them, to be sure, but only share them with Mr. Darcy. Do not encourage other women to envy you.”

  Elizabeth looked confused. “Envy me?”

  Mrs. Gardiner started to chuckle at herself. “I may seem like an old married woman to you, my dear, but I am not dead. I am only a year older than your betrothed, you know.”

  Elizabeth considered the implications of her aunt’s remarks. “Oh. I was rather hoping you would tell me whether I am normal or I am…fallen.”

  Mrs. Gardener started laughing. She shook her head, trying very hard to stop. “Oh, Lizzy. I am sorry…to be laughing. I have never known you so grave and serious.” Mrs. Gardiner removed a handkerchief from her pocket and dried the mirthful tears at the corners of her eyes. Elizabeth was not amused and looked it. “It is just, oh, you remind me so much of me! I have no intention of telling you tales of your uncle and myself, so do not ask, but I do see so much of myself in you. Such innocence and such desire!”

  “Is that what I feel?”

  “Yes, and it is healthy. It is what you should feel. Once you are married, as soon as you are married, you may act upon the desires you feel now.”

  “What if Mr. Darcy thinks me too forward? I do not fear him, truly, but I do dread his disapprobation. What if he thinks me indecent?”

  “Oh, I highly doubt he will think that, my love. More likely he will be flattered, perhaps dumbfounded, but I promise you, he will be thoroughly pleased if you are bold.”

  “What if he thinks me unchaste?”

  “I suspect there will be ample evidence to the contrary.”

  “Will it hurt so much as that? I have been hoping what I have been led to expect is a complete exaggeration.”

  “It is impossible to say if, or how much, the first time will hurt. Each of us is different, and so is every man, I am told. You may bleed a bit, but you are used to that. It will be not as much as what happens every month. And after the first experience or two, any discomfort will cease and you will find it all very pleasant.”

  “Pleasant? Not arduous?”

  “Pleasant. Not arduous.”

  “What if he wants to undress me?”

  “Let him.”

  “And to see me…undressed. Naked.” Elizabeth reddened.

  “Let him.”

  “What if he wants to sleep in the same bed?”

  “Let him.”

  “What about if he wants to…during the day, instead of at night?”

  Mrs. Gardiner waved an impatient hand. “I doubt instead is the word you want, more like in addition to, but let him!”

  Elizabeth remembered the disquieting conversation she and Darcy had after he kissed her the first time, and he blurted he wanted to teach her to ride horseback. “Aunt, I think, if I inferred correctly, and the way he blushed, I am sure I did, that Mr. Darcy might want to…to have relations with me…outside. In the woods or…somewhere.”

  “You will have a large estate, Lizzy, and if you feel the place he chooses is sufficiently private, by all means, let him!”

  Chapter 8

  Walking to Oakham Mount

  “Sit by my side, and let the world slip: we shall ne’er be younger.”

  William Shakespeare

  The Taming of the Shrew

  Elizabeth left Longbourn seized by energy, determined to walk to Oakham Mount with or without Fitzwilliam Darcy. It was two full days after conferring with Aunt Gardiner— full in every sense— and there had since been no opportunity to have the private, lengthy conversation with Darcy that Elizabeth had settled upon as the next necessary step of their relationship.

  The day after the important conference saw the arrival of Georgiana Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam at Netherfield, and Darcy had spent the day with them. Elizabeth and Jane had been invited thither to dinner, with an evening musical interlude featuring Georgiana on the harp and pianoforte, and Bingley’s sisters singing and playing duets. Those assembled politely requested a performance by Elizabeth, but she had demurred, which Darcy did not like but understood. The performance was a gift to the betrothed couples and Elizabeth felt it rude to display herself. She was grateful her sister Mary was not in attendance, for she would have had no such scruple.

  Elizabeth had also spent the two days shopping for wedding clothes with her aunt after receiving very particular—if not particularly helpful—instructions from Mrs. Bennet. Those went largely ignored. Aunt Gardiner had her own ideas about what would suit the occasion for Elizabeth and later to please Mr. Darcy.

  Just the evening before Elizabeth’s expedition to Oakham Mount, the Bennets hosted Darcy, Georgiana, and Colonel Fitzwilliam to a family dinner as the Bingleys were engaged elsewhere. It was the first opportunity fo
r Georgiana to meet the younger Bennet sisters, and her shyness prevailed. Elizabeth had prepared her sisters and mother for this likelihood, and even the often oblivious Kitty was slightly subdued. Mrs. Bennet showed Georgiana every civility without her usual heavy-handedness, for which Elizabeth was grateful.

  Kitty was privately disappointed that the colonel did not wear his regimentals, and thus was less inclined to put herself in his way. Elizabeth observed that the colonel paid Jane rather too much attention but felt reasonably certain no one else noticed as he was known for his pleasant manners in company. Elizabeth was seated between her father and Darcy; the men chatted like old friends, each having learnt the style of comment likely to raise a smile from the other. Their sources of amusement were discovered to be more alike than not, and they included Elizabeth in their sport whenever they could.

  After dinner, Mary played for Georgiana followed by the reverse. Mary’s appreciation of the abilities of Miss Darcy was slow in developing, but Mary did, by the end of Georgiana’s third piece, begin to understand humility.

  During the playing, Darcy leaned to Elizabeth’s ear and whispered that his cousin had brought him a most pleasing letter of congratulations from Darcy’s aunt and uncle, the Earl and Countess of Matlock. They were in such despair of their nephew ever marrying that they cared nothing for his intended’s wealth, connections, looks, or education; the list of attributes they did not care about went on at some length. The earl and his wife were concerned only that she still be of childbearing years and healthy. Colonel Fitzwilliam had assured them that Miss Elizabeth Bennet was merely one and twenty and of uncommonly robust health; therefore, that branch of the family was most favourably disposed towards her. Elizabeth was highly diverted. Clearly, Lady Catherine’s sway within the family is not nearly so wide and commanding as the lady thinks. Her practical sphere of influence seems entirely limited to the parsonage at Hunsford and her poor daughter!

  ***

  When Darcy did not appear for her early walk, Elizabeth returned home out of spirits and convinced Jane to send an immediate note to Bingley, ostensibly about the coming evening’s entertainment at Netherfield. Jane just happened to mention that Elizabeth was planning to visit Oakham Mount on foot and she would set out after the Bennet family’s breakfast.

  As often happened when excessive tension was bound within her, Elizabeth began to trot and eventually to run up and down the rolling lanes until the paths became too narrow and uneven, beginning the steady rise to the mount. She had slowed to a brisk walk when she heard the cantor of a horse approaching and turned to look behind her. She could not help smiling when she saw it was, at last, Darcy.

  “You have been running, Miss Bennet.” Darcy slid from his horse and took her ungloved hand, kissing it. He found her skin delightfully warm. “I own, I have been watching you.”

  “Please do not reveal it to anyone, Mr. Darcy, as it leads to a scolding at home. Mama thinks a lady running is quite deplorable, unless, of course, one wants to run after officers. That is the sort of running of which she heartily approves.”

  He did not let go of her hand and joined in her laughter. “It pleases me that you run for exercise and not for any other reason.”

  “You may suppose my motive for running is as you say, sir, but I have always thought I run because I have energy that cannot be expended in any more productive way, which may be seen as a fault. The activity does seem to dispel my ill humours. Now I may continue my walk in a more contemplative and circumspect manner.”

  “I am pleased that we begin to have these little secrets between us. I like knowing things, which—although I find them charming—you would not wish me to share with the world.” Darcy’s dimples punctuated his approbation.

  She blushed a little, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “Will you join me as I walk, Fitzwilliam?” She knew she should wait for him to ask whether he could join her, but Elizabeth felt such ceremony unnecessary. It seemed one propriety had already been breached and possibly more.

  Darcy held the reins of his horse in one hand and offered his other arm. Elizabeth tucked her bare hand into the bend of his elbow. They walked along quietly. After several minutes, Elizabeth found herself again becoming perturbed. Why does he not speak? Has he no questions for me? I certainly have a few for him! Where is his native curiosity? Or does he already know what was said? Just as Elizabeth thought she might have to increase the speed of their climb to oust her uneasiness, Darcy began to speak.

  “Elizabeth, are you aware that Mr. Gardiner has made your aunt acquainted with every particular of his business?”

  “No!” She was confounded at the direction of their conversation. “I suppose I have never thought of it. The news does not surprise me; he seems to have every confidence in her. Her powers of organization are the stuff of legend within the family.”

  “It has been a great education for me to become well-acquainted with your aunt and uncle. They are fine people, and they have an unexampled marriage. We would do well to emulate them.”

  “I am inclined to agree. The Gardiners have provided proper guidance to Jane and me where my own parents are found wanting. It is a pity the expansion of their family has prevented my younger sisters from knowing them better. But tell me, Fitzwilliam, where do these reflections tend?”

  “The Gardiners have inspired my desire to teach you the workings of Pemberley estate management if you are willing to study it. I am eight years your senior, Elizabeth, and it would be a comfort to know, should anything happen to me, that you could pass the knowledge onto our children, to continue Pemberley and make improvements.” He stopped to assess the effect of his words in her luminous eyes.

  Elizabeth looked up at him slightly breathless. “You do me a very great honour, Fitzwilliam, very great indeed. I would be most pleased to learn about the estate. That you would allow me to help you, to support you, in so material a way is highly gratifying. I assumed I would run the house—but in truth Mrs. Reynolds does it all— and plan neighbourhood entertainments. I do love to garden, and I am very good help in a stillroom. There will be tenant visits, I expect, and tending new mothers and the ill, which will naturally fall to me now rather than Georgiana. But to learn about the planting of crops and the husbandry of sheep, and, I suppose, investments? This degree of trust, I had not envisioned. Thank you, Fitzwilliam, for your faith.”

  Darcy lowered his head towards her face as she stood on her toes to meet him with parted lips. They closed their eyes as their mouths met. Darcy barely touched her with his tongue, but he felt her respond by briefly leaning her body against his. They separated, each mirroring the other’s satisfied half smile. Darcy dropped the lead of his horse and removed his gloves. His hand joined hers, fingers entwining as they walked more casually.

  “I want you to be my partner in all things, Elizabeth.”

  “So I have been given to understand.” She avoided his eyes and felt her colour rising, her aunt’s words still foremost in her mind. ‘A willing and responsive partner,’ Aunt Gardiner said. ‘Do not just let him do things to you, respond!’

  Elizabeth’s bonnet blocked her view of Darcy’s countenance. He stopped again so she had to look up to see him gazing tenderly at her. In a gentle voice, he asked, “What does your understanding encompass, dearest Elizabeth?”

  “You wish me to be happy with you…or rather, perhaps it is that you wish to make me happy? You wish to be the means of my happiness?” He nodded, encouraging her as she refined the accuracy of her phrasing. “Your parents were uncommonly devoted to each other, you have said, as are my aunt and uncle. These marriages are characterised by mutual respect and good humour and…a passionate regard, which you also wish to find in married life. With me.” She shook her head in astonishment. “With me…”

  “Yes, Elizabeth, you and I together. Your aunt told me about your explorations of Derbyshire prior to visiting Pemberley, how fearlessly you scrambled over the tors, scaring her to death! She said you admitted feeling
you could spend the rest of your life there.

  “So why was I searching in the ton for a woman who did not exist in that sphere? I know you bear society and unknown company with infinitely more grace than I, but if I understand your true nature, you are most yourself outside in the open air as we are now. How I would have loved to see you climbing the Peaks.”

  “I did not recognise it at the time, but perhaps those two days in Derbyshire—before we met at Pemberley— were a preparation after a fashion. The very country you live in was preparing me for you.” She looked seriously into his face, hoping he understood the depth of her feelings.

  “Elizabeth!” Her words thrilled him. She was in his arms without either of them realising he had embraced her. “Elizabeth…” he whispered.

  “Please, let me finish my thought.” She chuckled, bending away to watch his face without leaving his grasp. “The country around Pemberley has a handsomeness not wholly tamed, and you are of that place. When I saw Pemberley so civilised and well situated, elegant within the wilderness with no useless finery, it was as if I was seeing you. I have already spoken of all the kind words Mrs. Reynolds said of you. When I saw your portrait with its observant smile, I only then remembered it had been sometimes fixed upon me, and I fell deeply in love. Now I see how every circumstance of those days led to truly seeing you.

  “Had we not met, I would have spent that night, and surely many after it, completely bereft and heart-broken. I would have realised I had been loved and was in love myself, at last, all to no avail. But I had no time to dwell upon what might have been because I went outside and there you were. Embarrassed confusion snuck into my heart before abject despair could. But when I learned of Lydia’s actions, I did despair. I believed you would think ill of me and the association of my family with him.”

  “I chose love, Elizabeth.”