Life

by Sullivan, Leo

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “All Eyes On Me”

  – Life –

  It was Friday and we were all tired. I watched as the judge mopped his face with a weary hand and admonished to the jury, once again, they were not to read any newspaper reports about my case, watch the news, or talk with anyone outside of the jury about the case. The jury was sequestered in a hotel and ordered to hurry up and reach a verdict.

  On the ride in the van back to the FDC building it was one of the most beautiful days I had ever seen, at least that’s how it will always look through the eyes of a man that has lost his freedom. I remember sitting in the back of the van in chains and shackles feeling like a caged bird. The officious U.S. Marshal tried to talk me to death. The van rode through Frenchtown. I searched for Nina Brown. She was nowhere in sight. I saw a few rock stars. I thought about Black Pearl and Blazack showing up at my trial. I had to smile. Blazack was past keeping it gangsta. He was on some guerilla G-Unit shit.

  *****

  By the time I changed clothes and made it back into the unit I was so fatigued that my brain even hurt. I needed a smoke bad to get my lungs out of pawn. As soon as I walked into the unit, all eyes were on me. In the distance I could see that most of the prisoners were watching the news. I had the uncanny feeling they already learned from the television about the proceeding of my case. The first lesson a true convict learns in prison is, if you want to enhance your chances of waking up in the morning without a shank stuck in your back, keep your mouth shut. See nothing, but at the same time, see everything. Being anti-social is the key to survival. I learned that from my first bid in the joint.

  I walked straight to my cell, opened up a pack of Newports had in my locker and went and sat in the smoking range out in front of my cell. Major walked over and sat down next to me. He too was into the church lately since we caught our case. I inhaled deeply on the nicotine. Irately, Major fanned the smoke away. I could see all the faces watching us. Curiosity did not just kill cats, I knew a few niggas that got killed, too. So I mean mugged a few niggas as if to say, what the hell you looking at? Ever since I cracked Stevey D’s cranium with the swift demonstration on how to punish a rat, I was respected by all. I’ve never been one to adopt the fear factor of influence because I don’t care what anyone says, both fear and love will produce illogical results when pushed to the brink of precipice.

  As Major and I talked about our cases and his lawyers decided that they would wait for the outcome of my case before going to trial, so I thought. However when Major expressed to me that he was going to cop out to ten years my heart sank. I tried my best to keep a straight face as I blew smoke up at the ceiling. We both knew that if he wanted to testify against me they would let him go home. For him that was out of the question. We just mellowed in our own silence, the way people do when they’re heavy into thought. Finally, I said “Whatever you want to do my nigga, I’m behind you one thousand percent. You or your family will never want for anything.” With that, I gave him my word. Major was still lost in thought. I surveyed the scene. Directly to my right was a water cooler. I noticed this big dude spying on me. In fact, ever since he first got here I caught him looking at me like he knew me or something. It dawned on me he was the same dude a few weeks ago who made a testimony at church saying his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ told him to come back from the penitentiary and testify against his homies. He said that he had his life sentence taken off and reduced to five years. Everybody in the church hooped and hollered praising the Lord, all Black folks and a white preacher. I had to walk out of there. I was sick to my stomach. I knew that the life of a Christian was going to be hard work for me, but damn! I asked Major about the dude and I could tell from the look on his face he did not want to tell me who he was. In fact, Major began to stir uncomfortably in his seat. All major said was the dude was once one of the biggest drug dealers in Tallahassee, then he quickly changed the subject. We continued to talk, just shooting the shit. Occasionally I would see the big dude glance our way. I made a mental note to step to the big dude as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Major was holding something back. I wondered why?

  At lockdown, I got into my hard-ass bunk, and for the first time in almost a year, I slept peacefully.

  Early the next morning I was awakened, someone was yelling my name. “Thugstin, you got a visitor!” I quickly took a shower and got dressed in my prison jumpsuit. Whoever designed them was playing a cruel joke on convicts. The CO checked underneath my nuts and all in the crack of my ass. To this day I still haven’t figured out what they were checking for.

  I bounced into the visiting room halfway expecting to see my stepmother, but I was instantly greeted by the jubilant frolic of small kids scurrying about. Scooby Doo was on the television, the acoustic volumes turned up loud enough to hide the humiliating whispers of crestfallen men, gangsters, thugs, desperately trying to hold onto a man’s most prized possession, his family, the jewels, the cars, the money.

  The delicious aroma of buttered popcorn and pizza delighted my sense of smell. I approached the desk and gave the CO my ID card just as a little brown girl ran into my leg at full speed ahead. She bounced off my thigh and fell on the floor. She was about 3 years old. I resisted the urge to reach down and pick her up. She was as cute as a baby doll. She got back up and continued to play with the rest of her new friends. The place was crowed. It was Saturday morning. The CO seated me all the way in the back. As I walked to my seat people pointed and whispered. My face had been plastered on the television and newspapers so long that I’m sure these people had me on celebrity status.

  I sat in my chair and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible as I occasionally spied the front door waiting for whom it was to arrive. Finally, I looked up to see Black Pearl and Trina stroll through the door looking like sophisticated chicks the way broads start looking when they get used to spending another nigga’s money. Trina had her hair piled high on top of her head in some kind of French bun with embellished designs. She wore painted on black Guess jeans that showed off the curvaceous symmetry of her God-bless-the-world Black woman’s thighs. She also wore enough jewelry to make an Egyptian jealous. The diamond baguette earrings with an iced out Cuban link chain thick enough to pull a train. She wore rings on just about every finger and each one of them was laced with diamonds. Opposite to her was Black Pearl, unadorned, unpretentious. She wore a simple white sundress and sandals with her manicured feet showing. Unlike Trina, Black Pearl’s hair was real thick and natural and it cascaded past the middle of her back. Her sable velvet complexion seemed to radiate in hue in contrast to the white dress that strained against the sensuous rondure of her curves. At 19 years old, Black Pearl was still blossoming into one of the most stunningly gorgeous Black women that I had ever seen. Trina looked somewhat generic standing next to her. From the look on both of their faces they did not look too happy to be visiting me. As for myself, I couldn’t help but to smile a shit-eating grin. I thought back to the time I first met Trina and she had stolen my stash and came back and blessed a nigga with two bricks. I then wished I married her like she wanted.

  Still with a goofy-ass smile on my face, my delight in seeing this gangsta bitch, I thought about all the millions she had stolen from me. Wondered how she was going to dazzle me this time with her return. Maybe she bought a nigga a yacht. That was the one thing I did not have. Giddy, I laughed out loud throwing my head back. A few people glanced over in my direction. I watched as Trina approached the CO’s desk. He pointed in my direction. More goofy-ass smiling. She walked toward me. The sway of her wide hips, ass so fat that you could see it from the front, then my smile died in a carnage of burning betrayal. I watched as Trina made a left at the next row of chairs and walked right up to another man, she extended her arms. I could hear the bangles on her wrist chime as she hugged him. He kissed her passionately while palming her ass. I was blinded with rage! All I could see was blood behind my eyes. Murder, murder, murder! I breathed in fitted s
ips of air like sipping oxygen through a straw, I was desperately fighting for control. I could feel my blood, a rivulet, rushing through my veins.

  Timidly, Pearl approached. Subconsciously I stood rigid. She tried to speak but no words came out of her mouth. The brim of her starry eyes were filed with tears. I remember feeling uncomfortable, ashamed and embarrassed. Pearl hugged me in a way that felt like she latched on to my body. Her pungent sobs rocked us both. I looked up to see the CO giving me the evil eye. I could get my visitation terminated for “Unauthorized Touching.” The entire visiting room was watching, including Trina. I had to wrestle Pearl off of my neck. We sat down. I tried to smile, I’m sure my face looked like cracked glass in the mirror in her eyes as she cried openly for everyone to see.

  “Girl, what you cryin’ fo?” I asked with a frown on my face.

  “I ... miss … you,” she wailed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. The little brown girl that ran into my leg earlier meandered over, with her index finger in her mouth, the expression on her face said she was in awe at seeing the big girl cry.

  It had been about a year since I last saw Black Pearl. I sat right there in that chair and reminisced about how a dreary past had run me down and pounced on me. I thought about Lil Man.

  Shamefully, I cast a glance down at the floor and looked at the ankle bracelet on her leg.

  “L, when I was 16 years old, pregnant, strung out on crack with no place to live, you took me in, fed me, gave me a place to stay.” Pearl painfully swallowed a sob inhaled a sigh. The little girl tentatively took a step closer.

  “Nigga you picked me up out of the dirt, made me go to school, made me the woman I am today, and the only reason I’m saying this is because I love you and it hurts.” She cried some more. I looked over at the little girl, she was about to cry, too. I remember a feeling of despair like I have never felt before. And for the millionth time, I wished that I were someplace else. Black Pearl continued. “Trina knows just how much I love you. She knew it from the very first day that you brought me to that hotel.” I just sat there in the chair like a deaf mute soaking in her poignant words. Pearl furtively glanced in Trina’s direction and whispered. “Don’t be mad at her. When she found out Big Mike was coming home –”

  “Big Mike!” I repeated taking a closer look at the dude she was talking to.

  At first, all I could see was the side of his face, and then the face turned.

  Goddamnit! Big Mike was none other than the big dude that made that testimony at church talking about his Lord and Savior told him to come back and snitch on his friends and family. I thought to myself, no wonder he was watching me the whole time. And to think, Major knew it all the time, but did not want to risk telling me so there would be no drama. Because of all the anger and frustration, all I could do was laugh a mirthless chuckle, for the sake of my ego and the fact, all eyes were on me. With a plastic smile on my face, all I could do was think about Trina going for the okey doke. I thought about the lives this rat ass nigga must have had to sacrifice at the expense of gaining his own freedom. OK, I’ll admit, I was jealous as hell too. I knew one thing, I could not wait to step to dude. As Black Pearl talked I really didn’t pay much attention to what she was saying. A woman with a bad case of acne came and picked up her child. I took the opportunity to make the bold leap of no return. This is the hardest part about going to prison, you have to let go, not just of life and liberty, but love and affection, or else it will come back to haunt you. No man can remain immured in concrete and steel for too long and not suffer the pain and anguish that a woman can bring. A man can’t expect for his woman to be stronger than he is. In essence that is what he is asking her to do when he expects her to wait for him.

  I took hold of Pearl’s hands and forcefully looked into her big brown eyes pulling her close to me, her sweet perfume engulfed me. “Baby girl, I’m no good for you! I’m an illusion, these crackas have created a game with our lives. That’s what the dope game is. I want you to sell the Chateau, all the cars and go far away from here, find you a square and marry him, not some thug. We’re des-tined to destroy some shit, and sometimes even ourselves. I’ve fucked up, it’s a wrap with me, my life is over.”

  “No, what about the trial? The jury didn’t reach a verdict yet.” People in the visiting room turned and looked in our direction, including the CO.

  “I was with you when you were on the grind, when we didn’t have shit, we dreamed together, lived together and if we have to, we’ll die together. I don’t want to live my life without you. I love you L.” A lone tear distilled down her ebony cheek. Through teary eyes, she tried to smile, and at the same time, keep the panic out of her voice. Her fear of the inevitable, even to the end, I was going to keep it gangsta. I saw her bottom lip trembling. This shit was getting too emotional. With my mind made up, I knew what I had to do. I rose to my full height towering over her.

  “Go to the Chateau, get my Bible and bring it to my lawyer, Hope.” Pearl tried to grab me and I pulled away and saw the hurtful scowl on her face. “I never want to see you again! You have to promise me you’ll never come back here again.”

  With that I walked off, my legs felt like rubber and my heart was hemorrhaging a trail of blood behind me. Black Pearl had always been like a little sister to me, there was no way I was going to fit her in with a ball and chain around her neck and expose her to my own self induced torture. She was too young and she didn’t know what she would have been getting herself into, the misery and hurt that destroys a woman within, like some virulent disease. A woman that waits on a phantom lover that will never come. Always waiting, always hoping until she finds that time is her enemy, too.

  My pride wouldn’t just let me walk out of that visiting room no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it was my sweltering ego or even Trina for that matter; whatever the case, in passing I could not resist stepping to Big Mike. I had to. I walked right up to him like I knew him. I secretly enjoyed the terror stricken scowl on his mug when he looked up and saw me. I glanced over at Trina. A million episodic memories flashed on the screen of my mind. Trina, the Brooklyn chick, who stole me blind. I thought about the luggage full of money she walked away with as I lay in bed writhing in pain, body riddled with bullets. I thought about the woman that had introduced me to a game bigger than life, the real mastermind behind a million dollar plan. Ain’t no longevity in the dope game, stick and move. Get out within a year.

  I felt my top lip curl up as I looked down at the both of them. The only thing missing was the gun in my hand and I would have put both their asses on fire with them hot balls. On the inside I raged with violence. I wanted to take the crime to dude bad! “Wuz up Trina?” I said coldly. She rolled her eyes at me, turning her head she sucked her teeth disdainfully. I felt my hand coiling like how it feels when you’re about to slap the shit out of somebody. “How is the good Christian brotha doin’?” I asked sarcastically. With a mouthful of pizza, Big Mike looked up at me in between bites. I could see the puzzled look in his eyes, the way people look at you when they’re trying to assess your motives.

  “I’m aiight,” he grunted. I could tell he was trying to act hard by his demeanor. He had a mouthful of gold that looked like chipped old pennies. He wore his jumpsuit about two sizes too small, showing off his huge arms.

  “So dis the muthafucka you was waiting on? Had me acceptin’ his collect calls and shit. Huh bitch?!” I said stepping closer to Trina getting ready to swing. Her eyes bulged at me in frightened disbelief.

  “L, man you wrong! Nigga if you got beef wit me you could have waited until we got into the unit,” Big Mike said and stood up.

  “Nigga it didn’t start in the unit. You been grillin’ me with the screw face ever since you got here,” I said. I created a scene as I continued, “And you, bitch ass nigga, I ain’t got no respect for a nigga that snitch on his friends and family.” With that Trina’s jaw dropped as she looked at him. I took a step closer hoping to get off a punch first. I really wanted to p
unish dude and get one of them gold trophies out of his mouth. The CO started to walk in our direction. I played it off and whispered as I smiled. “My nigga, I’m tryna holla at you when we get back into the unit.” With that said I strolled off. My life trying to serve God was going to be difficult. The old folks had a saying, what would Jesus do?

  *****

  I waited in the unit for Big Mike, strapped with my joint in my pants, a box cutter stolen from the R&D department. By the time the 4 o’clock count came around, he still had not shown up. A sexy female CO with fake European hair and nails approached me. She wore her pants tight with ass for days. She had ghetto written all over her, and for some strange reason, it made her appealing. Twice I already offered her some money to let me hit it. Playfully she would always ask me was I serious, and laugh hysterically when I replied, “hell yea! Does a bear shit in the woods?” So when she sauntered up to me at count time with a dead serious expression on her face, that fat ass spread eagle on my bunk flashed in my mind. At count time everyone would be locked into their cells, that would be a perfect time. I touched myself as my eyes roamed over all the curves of her body, she was jet Black. I watched her sexy mouth as she talked–there was something about women with big lips that turned me on. She had about two or three shades of lipstick on her large soup coolers. Sexy.

  “Thugstin, they want you in the LT’s office,” she said and shrugged her shoulders to answer the question that she knew was coming next.

  “Shit!” I cursed and took off to my cell. I had to get rid of the knife. While I was there I stashed some cigarettes in my drawers.

  Four deep, all rednecks, they escorted me to the LT’s office. Once there, I was informed that I was being placed in SHU for my own protection.