Shattered Souls (To Love and Serve Book 1)

by Alison Mello

My eyes go wide with fear. “What do you mean you’re done?”

  “I’m done worrying about her. She’s not running my life anymore. Like I said, she’s dead to me.” I place my hand over his squeezing it gently. He slowly loosens his grip and opens his eyes. He wipes the tear that runs down my cheek. “Please don’t cry for me. It will kill me to know you cried because of me.”

  I shake my head. “You don’t understand. It’s not just for you, it’s for all the kids who have to deal with what you and Julian have dealt with. I’m also proud of you. It’s sad to think your mom is dead to you, but it’s also good that you’ve stopped allowing her to take up space in that gorgeous head of yours.” He grabs a tissue and wipes at his eyes.

  “Is Julian really okay?” He sounds concerned.

  I shrug. “Mentally, I’m not sure. Physically he will be fine. He has a concussion and some fractured ribs, but he’ll get to go home in a few days.”

  “I need to see him, Lexi.” He looks so sad and it kills me. This big, rough, tough cop is struggling right now, and I would do anything to take his pain away.

  “We will talk to the doctor when he comes in. The bed in Julian’s room is empty, maybe we can arrange for you to be moved to his room, but it’s going to be up to the doctor and if he feels that’s safe. With your condition they are going to be worried about infection.”

  Harper and another nurse walk into the room. “Good morning,” Harper sings out. “How is our patient feeling this morning?”

  “I’m good,” he says, wincing as he stretches.

  “Easy,” the other nurse who I do not know says.

  “Susie, this is Lexi. She’s the new OR nurse on my team.” I hold my hand out to her.

  “Nice to meet you. I hope you don’t mind, Harper insisted on checking in with me.”

  I laugh. “Not at all.” Honestly I expected her to demand that Keegan be her patient and that she be the one to tend to him. I’m shocked she’s letting someone else be here, and literally, that’s all she’s letting Susie do. Harper is checking him over and making the notes in his chart. “Hey, Harper. What are the chances of getting Keegan moved to Julian’s room so they can be together for the few days while he’s here?”

  She winks at me. “I’ll get them moved to the same room.” She shows me a cocky smile and walks out of the room with a shocked Susie following behind her. Keegan and I both laugh, but he winces in pain and stops.

  “Don’t laugh. You’re going to hurt yourself,” I scold.

  “Listen to her, will you. Lord knows you don’t listen to your partner.” Chloe comes in wearing her uniform.

  She gives me a hug and asks Keegan how he’s feeling.

  His eyes are getting droopy. “All I heard yesterday was Julian’s scared voice through the phone. I freaked the hell out.”

  “I know, and I’m glad the two of you are okay. Now rest, so I can have my partner back.” His eyes close, and in a matter of minutes he’s fast asleep.

  “How is he really?” Chloe whispers.

  I nod toward the hall and we both step outside. I tell her my honest opinion. I think he’s doing okay. I really think this was healing for him as far as his mother’s concerned. He finally recognizes she’s dead to him, and for the first time he’s okay with it. “Now we have to see if his nightmares go away.”

  “Listen, the captain knows I was stopping by here, but I have to get back to work. I’ll call you later to check in and bring you some dinner at the end of my shift.”

  I quietly make my way back into the room to find Keegan asleep with a small smile on his face. I kiss him on the forehead and whisper, “Sleep well, Keegs.”

  I walk back out of the room to go in search of my boss in the ER. I know she’s on right now and I want to chat with her about yesterday. I feel really bad that I disappeared in the middle of my shift, and I want her to know that had that been any other person I wouldn’t have reacted that way. Along the way I bump into Harper.

  “Hey, I just spoke with Keegan’s doctor. He’s fine with moving Keegan to another room. The plan is to have both guys moved right after dinner. That way they fill out their menus for tomorrow with their new room number on it.”

  “Whatever you say. Is Cheryl in?”

  “Yeah, you on your way to see her?”

  “Yeah, Keegan is asleep, and I want to apologize for yesterday.” She nods her understanding and we quietly walk toward the ER together.

  When we get to her office, Harper hugs me and goes back to work. I knock on Cheryl’s door, she looks up and gives me a tight smile. “Lexi, come in, dear.”

  I walk in and close the door behind me. “Do you have a minute?”

  “For you, I have several. Have a seat.”

  I’m shaking, nervous over how this conversation is going to go, but I sit and take a deep breath. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry about yesterday, and that if that wasn’t my boyfriend on that stretcher I would have never reacted the way I did.”

  She chuckles and I’m shocked. “Lexi, I know that. What you went through yesterday we all dread going through as ER staff. We never know what’s going to come through that door, and all pray when a call comes in it’s not someone we know.” She walks around her desk leaning on it in front of me. “You have been through a lot between your tour overseas, and now this. How are you handling it?”

  I bite my cheek as I contemplate whether or not to tell her I’m in counseling. I decide to tell her the truth. “I’ve been in counseling for a few months now. I was having some issues with nightmares when I got home and I wanted to have it in check before I went back to work.”

  “Thank you for being honest. I’ll admit I was a bit concerned taking you on for this position. It can be gruesome, and I’m sure you’ve seen some pretty nasty stuff in your time, but the last thing I need is a flashback.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think that’ll be an issue. My nightmares are more about finding out that I lost my best friend not as much about things I faced.”

  “Okay, well, I guess we’re good here. I took you off the schedule for the remainder of this week so you can be with your boyfriend. I’ll see you next week.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I thank her, hurry out of her office, and head straight back to Keegan’s room to find he’s gone. I run to the nurses’ station. “Where is Keegan Ward?”

  “Oh, they moved him early. He’s on the seventh floor room, seven-twenty-four.”

  “Thank you.”

  When I get up to his room I find he and Julian lying side by side shooting the shit. It makes me happy to see the two of them recovering and to know they’re going to be okay makes me feel so relieved.

  “What are those two up to?” Julian’s grandmother asks me.

  I shake my head. “I have no idea. I just got here to find the two of them cracking jokes.” Both of them wincing in pain every time they laugh too hard.

  “Okay you two, that’s enough.” I walk in with my arms crossed at my chest, Julian’s grandmother chuckling as she follows behind me.

  “You’re supposed to be resting, not having a party,” she scolds them, and I can’t help but chuckle.

  “We are resting.” Keegan tries to feign innocent, but we know better. He looks good, considering only yesterday he had been shot and nearly died. His color is back, and he is full of smiles now that he’s seen Julian. “I’m starving, am I getting food?”

  “You should be. Chloe is bringing dinner by, which reminds me I need to text her the info for your room, or she’s going to freak when she gets here and sees you’re not in your old room.” I pull my phone out while Keegan tells Julian’s grandmother, whose name I still don’t know and feel silly asking now that I’ve had conversations with her, that the doctor came by and said Julian can go home tomorrow. I shake my head and continue what I’m doing.

  “What did he say about you?” I ask, tucking my phone into my back pocket.

  He shakes his head. “I’m here for another few days.”

 
; “That’s fine. My boss pulled me from the schedule for the remainder of the week so I could be with you. I’m back on next week.”

  His eyes go wide with fear. “Are you in trouble?”

  “Nah, she said she understands. What happened to me is a nurse’s worst nightmare. We are always praying that the person being wheeled off the back of the ambulance isn’t someone we know, and with your job it’s worse.”

  “That’s because he’s stubborn and doesn’t listen.” A gentleman walks through the door.

  “Captain Collins, nice of you to visit.” They shake hands and Keegan introduces everyone, finally letting me in on Julian’s grandmother name, Mrs. Cross.

  She holds her hand out and says, “Please call me Amelia.” She’s a sweet woman.

  The captain tries to convey his condolences for the loss of her daughter-in-law. She stops him and explains that she was into some bad stuff, and she’s sad for Julian who now has no mother or father, but really she’s happy she can now raise him in a healthy environment. I can tell this makes Keegan happy, he’s sporting a wicked big smile.

  “I’m glad to hear the kid is going to be okay, and that he has someone to help him along.” The captain says to Amelia before turning back to Keegan, “As for you, I’d best not hear you’re giving these doctors any trouble. Listen and do what you have to do so we can get you back.”

  “Yes, sir.” Keegan gives him a half salute and begins to nod off. The captain says his goodbye and the guys both take a nap while they wait for food to arrive.

  It’s taken a while but I’ve finally been cleared physically to go back to work, now I have to be cleared mentally. Lucky for me I can see the very wonderful Dr. Miranda for my evaluation, and I know just how to sweet talk her. As long as she says I’m good to go, I’m back on desk duty for a short time, and then I’ll be on the streets with my partner once again. I miss work, I mean don’t get me wrong, it was nice having Lexi around to take care of me and all, but on the days she’s at work I’m bored out of my mind. I’m only allowed to do light duty which means easy workouts at the gym.

  When I get to the good doc’s office she’s in with a patient, so I take my usual seat by the fish tank, but notice a few are missing. “What happened to the fish, Roberta?”

  She huffs. “One of our more serious cases came in and dropped a ton of food in the tank. Said we were starving them and it was his responsibility to look after them.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup, God told him the fish were hungry.”

  “Roberta.” Dr. Miranda scolds her for telling me a little more than she should have.

  “He doesn’t know who it is.” She apologizes to Dr. Miranda, who shakes her head and waves me into her office.

  She takes her seat and I take mine. “I love that woman, but sometimes I swear she forgets we need to maintain confidentiality.” She shakes her head in frustration.

  “She means well, and don’t worry, I won’t say anything unless you would like me to arrest your fish murderer,” I add with a smile so she knows I’m joking.

  She fights her smile and says, “No need. I’m getting more fish this afternoon.” She taps at her tablet. “Now, let’s discuss you. How are you doing? It’s been a little while since you were last here, and from what I understand I get to decide if you can go back to work or not.”

  “Yeah, and I’m good. I haven’t had a nightmare since my first night in the hospital, and things are good with Lexi and I. She’s going to be moving in with me.”

  “So I’ve heard.” She looks up from her tablet. “What’s changed?”

  “How so?” I lean back in my seat to show I’m at ease with our conversation. If she sees any sign of agitation she’ll be all over me.

  “Well, last time we spoke you were concerned as to why your nightmares were back, and now they’ve disappeared. It’s certainly not from our conversations, because you won’t open up to me.”

  I chuckle. “I spoke to Lexi.”

  Her brows shoot up. “You told her everything?” I nod. “That’s great. Why don’t you share with me?”

  Fuck. I thought telling her I already shared would get us past this. I mean it’s not like I’m lying, I did share with Lexi, but I don’t want her digging in my fucking head. I catch myself staring out the window and my knee is bouncing a million miles an hour. I take a deep breath. “I told her my mother was dead to me and I wasn’t allowing her to run my life anymore. Owning that made the nightmares go away.”

  “That’s good, but why is she dead to you?”

  “Come on, doc. You know she got my father killed, what other excuses do I need?”

  “It’s not an excuse that you need, it’s owning that there’s more to it.” She taps at her stupid tablet. “If you thought for one second you were going to walk in here and sweet talk me into returning you to work, you’re crazy. And while I’m at it, let me be clear. I don’t have a patient after you so if it takes us two hours for you to tell me what really has you disowning your mother then so be it. I know it has something to do with why you blindly ran into that house, and I’m not letting you back to work until we discuss it.”

  My head whips around to see this all-knowing grin on her face, and it makes me mad. I’m mad she read right through me, I’m mad she’s not letting it go, and I’m mad I can’t talk about the woman who could ruin my career. “What do you want to know?”

  Her brows shoot up. “Why did you run into that building the way you did?”

  “Julian was in trouble. He needed me.”

  “Why are you so attached to him?”

  “Because he is going through what I went through, the only difference is, thanks to his mother dying, his suffering is over, and mine continued until I finally let go.”

  “So saving him was in a way saving yourself?”

  I shrug. “No one saved me, and no one protected me. I had to pay the price every time she screwed up, every time that nasty bastard saved her ass with food or money it wasn’t her that paid for it, it was me.” I shout at her. “I was going to be damned if I let another kid be raped and abused the way I was.” I can’t even look at her as the words pour out of my mouth, anger and embarrassment radiating from my body.

  “Who raped you?”

  “What does it matter who it was? She allowed it to happen, yeah, sometimes she would beg them not to hurt me, but she still allowed it, she still stole the crack from him instead of selling it to get the money she needed for the house. Someone had to pay, and he didn’t want her dirty ass. No, it was me he wanted.” Anger has me panting, a tear running down my cheek. “I fucking hate her for all she did to me.”

  “You need to forgive her and move on. The hate is what’s eating you, the hate is what’s going to cause you to be reckless, and will only end up getting you killed.”

  “You want me to forgive her?” I ask with pure shock.

  “I don’t mean it in a way that you would have a relationship with her. You need to accept she is ill. That she has an addiction, and some people aren’t strong enough to kick it. When you forgive her, your shattered soul will begin to heal. You’ll still be the Keegan who cares for others and will want to save children, that will never change, and it shouldn’t. You’re a great cop, and you and Lexi are great for each other.”

  “You think so?”

  “I do. I’ll admit at first I thought it was a bad idea that you dated this woman. You were hiding your problems trying to help her, but I believe you two have saved each other in a way no one may understand, but that doesn’t matter. You’re two shattered souls that came together and helped each other to heal in your own way.”

  I wipe the tears from my face. “I love her.”

  “And she loves you, but that doesn’t mean you two don’t both still have work to do. It just means you’re each one step closer in the healing process.”

  I nod. “Let me guess, you’re going to tell the captain I’m not fit to return yet.”

  She throws her head back an
d laughs. “What makes you think that?”

  My brows shoot up. “I just totally lost it.”

  “Keegan, you were supposed to lose it. Holding it in, not accepting there was an issue from the past you needed to face, would have kept you from returning to duty.” She taps at her tablet for a moment and then looks back up at me. “You can return to desk duty, but no field work until we’ve had another session.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I really want you to consider what I said about forgiving her. I truly believe it is your final step in this process.”

  “I will, but I meant what I said. I’m done letting her get to me, I’m not sure if it means I forgive her or not, but I’ll let you know once I figure it all out.”

  “You can let me know next week when I see you for another appointment.”

  I chuckle. “Okay, okay.” She hands me a card and tells me to have a great day.

  As soon as I’m back in the car I dial Lexi’s number. I can’t wait to tell her the good news. “Hi, Keegs, How did it go?”

  “It went okay, it was a tough session, but I’m cleared for desk duty. She won’t let me back into the field yet.” I start the car to head home. I want to make us dinner so we can have a quiet night, just the two of us.

  “It doesn’t really matter to be honest because I’m not physically cleared for field work anyway. I have a few more weeks before the doctor will allow me back on the streets. That means I have have time to get my head on straight.” I hear someone calling her in the background.

  “Okay, well I’m sorry to cut you short, but I have to get back to work. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Okay, I’ll have dinner ready. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I hear her name called again as she cuts the call.

  I drive off with a smile on my face and plans to set up a nice dinner for two.

  The ambulance door opens and there he is, lying there with blood all over him, and a mask over his beautiful face. They rush him through the door spitting out medical terms, but I’m having a hard time hearing them. Keegan is on a stretcher bleeding from a gunshot wound to the chest, and they think it’s close to his heart. They lost him once already in the ambulance and have managed to bring him back. I’m frozen in time as nurses and doctors run around trying to save his life, his uniform is being cut away from his body in order to prep him for surgery, and all I can do is watch. I don’t even remember getting here, I want to help, but I can’t seem to get my body to move.