Breaking His Rules

by Aliza Mann

  “Terra, I had no idea…”

  “What?”

  “That you were so hopelessly lame. Who even says stuff like that anymore? Try something a touch more risqué, will you? Like sex or shagging. That at least brings it into this century.”

  “Eat your soup, Ash.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I laughed at her reddening cheeks. I loved learning new things about her, like the fact that she was somewhat of a prude and I hadn’t even known it.

  “I have to tell you something,” she said.

  I’d just taken a bite and the hint of spice caught me off guard. After a few weeks of eating bland, it was a welcome treat. “Mm-hmm,” I said, combining the nod to her fabulous cooking skills with acknowledging her statement.

  “Well, when you were in the hospital, I called your father’s nursing home…” She trailed off, as if waiting for me to say something.

  Truthfully, I didn’t know what to say. I put the spoon down on the tray and looked up at her, a flash of anger, then concern surging in my body. I got it. I could have died. But who told her to tell him? And did he even care if I lived or died? All those questions rammed my brain and gave me an instant headache. “Why?” I nearly surprised myself with the one-word question, given everything else that was rattling around in my dome.

  “Well, I thought about how I would feel if something happened to my child and I didn’t know.”

  Her eyes were filled with sincerity, but I couldn’t really concentrate on that. “But that wasn’t your place.”

  “He’s your next of kin. If I hadn’t lied about being your wife, they would have asked you.”

  “And I would have told them he was dead. That there is no next of kin.”

  “Ash, that would have been wrong.”

  “What did he say?” I worked hard to kill the edge in my voice, but it was still there. I felt it and was pretty sure she did, too. Even if I hadn’t wanted her to.

  “Ash, it was—”

  “What did he say?”

  “He didn’t say anything. The nurse gave him the phone and he just…hung up.” I knew she hadn’t wanted to tell me. That is must have been tearing her up inside, but her sense of right and wrong hadn’t let her keep quiet about it. She was good like that. Too damned good.

  “How’d you even find him?”

  “I…I called all the nursing homes within thirty miles until I found him. I got to number five before I reached the right one…” She trailed off again.

  Despite the pain, I picked the tray up and set it on the table, the groan audible as I stood up again. “Wrong or not, it’s my choice, Terra. You don’t get to do those types of things.”

  “Ash, I was only trying to—”

  “Stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

  She looked like I’d slapped her, but instead of saying anything else, she turned from me while sitting crossed-legged on the floor and concentrated on her soup. The spoon was up to her mouth and she blew on the hot liquid before taking a bite.

  “I’m sorry.” I stood over her and watched, hoping the words would come to me that would make it all better. To take us back to where we were before I’d insulted her. But they wouldn’t. Because I was mad at her. Just a little.

  “Look, if you were in my position, I’d like to know what you would have done. I don’t have any parents, so to say that you would lie about death is…well, it’s just unfathomable.”

  My headache began to pulse, frustration increasing the pain until it slowly began to mushroom throughout my brain. “Terra, I honestly don’t expect you to understand. You came from parents who loved you and treated you the way parents should until you lost them. And when you did, someone was there to help you pick up the shards of your life. It’s a different thing to live with a man who didn’t care whether you lived or died.”

  “Maybe I don’t understand,” she said, finally leaving the floor and standing in front of me. “But imagine if he would have found out the last person in the world who he was connected to died? How do you think it feels to find out on television that your child died? When I called him, I had no idea whether you were going to make it. And I wouldn’t have been able to live with knowing it was my fault you died and having to tell him the news after the fact.”

  “So how’d that turn out for you? Those couple of weeks I spent in the hospital, unless I slept through it, he didn’t come down, did he? He didn’t call…or maybe I was out of the room for testing…Oh, I know. Maybe he called after I left? Shall I reach out to the hospital to see if I have any hearts and flowers in the room? I bet that’s it.”

  “Stop it, Ash. You know he’s older and you can’t—”

  “Can’t what, Terra? Can’t be angry that after my mother died I never got another hug from a parent again? Can’t be pissed at the guy for forgetting to feed me? Can’t unfeel the pain of him knowing I was in the hospital and not bothering to get off his ass and come see me? You know what? He isn’t even in a debilitated state. He chooses not to wipe his own ass or get out of that chair in his room. He chose it. At least if he hadn’t known, I wouldn’t feel so fucked about him not coming to check on me. But instead of wondering whether he cares about me or not, now I know he doesn’t.”

  “I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry for you, for my part in your pain, and that you had to go through all this.”

  “I’m fine, Terra. I don’t need your apologies.”

  Then she was in front of me, her arms slowly coming around my body as if she didn’t want to break me. I’m not sure when my face got wet with tears, but I let them out as I wrapped my one good arm around her and pulled her into me, our bodies adjusting to each other after our time apart, and I stopped tracking whether it was soreness from the gunshot or the ache in my soul.

  “I’m here for you, Ashton. And I’ll give you all the hugs you missed growing up,” she whispered into my chest, her soft hair catching most of the tears that fell from my eyes.

  If only she could.

  * * *

  —

  We danced around each other over the next few days. I was genuinely sorry for snapping at her when she’d only been trying to help. Her actions were a touch intrusive, but I was sure after we talked a few times that she’d only been looking out for my best interests. Surely she couldn’t have imagined the depth of anger I still held toward my father. I’d finally even managed to talk her into going back into work. Gary had come over and brought some cards from my colleagues. Even Johnston had pulled his head out of the computer long enough to send me a PlayStation gift card. Of course, I didn’t play videogames anymore, but it was the thought that counted.

  I sat across from my friend and he still had the same look of amazement each time he visited me. Terra was at work usually when he came by, but I got the impression he wanted to see her physically present in order to believe it all.

  “So, you feeling better at all?”

  I sighed. “One day at a time. It’s slow and they may need to do a revision on the chest closure a little later on, but so far, so good.” I shifted and couldn’t help the wince.

  “What about that bastard? I can’t even imagine what would have happened if you weren’t here with her.”

  That’s when the smile came. “Actually, I’m pretty sure Terra would have been okay. She’s not really a shrinking violet. She has more strength than most people I know.” I meant that. She was proud and battle ready. I truly believed, had he banged on her door that morning, she would have possibly killed him. She’d been distracted with my injury so her aim was off. Probably the only thing that saved his miserable life, lucky bastard. “The court case isn’t set yet, but he’s in jail with no chance of making his bond since he breached the terms of his release. That’s one thing I’m happy about.”

  “Still. I don’t want to find out what could have happened. But I’m glad you’re
okay. Even though”—he looked around at all of Terra’s belongings and then back to me—“our days of prowling the streets at night appear to be numbered. Weren’t you the one warning me not to end up cuffed?” he asked, clinking imaginary handcuffs at his wrists.

  “Things change I guess. Speaking of, how are you and Gloria?”

  “Going well. I just like her, man. You know how it is,” he said. I could have sworn he had stars in his eyes. “One day you have everything you need and life is going fine. The next, you get knocked off your square by a bolt of lightning. Everything you think you know, think you want, is just changed. Forever. Right?”

  I did know what he meant. But in my case, it had been more like a tropical storm. My whole life was somehow up in the air, swirling around me, while my feet were off the ground and I was entirely off-kilter. When I reached the eye of the storm, nothing else seemed to matter. Everything was shifting to a new place, some new order with which I was wholly unfamiliar. Everything I once knew had broken apart, but while I was in the eye, it was calm and wonderful. So what if things were out of place? I didn’t mind putting them back together again, maybe in a different order. “Yup,” was all I could say.

  Gary nodded his understanding and took a sip of his beer. “Anyway, Gloria is making us all dinner when you get well. You gotta keep me posted on when so we can start planning.”

  “Neither of you have to go to any trouble to plan anything. I’m good with grilled hot dogs. Just make sure they’re extra crispy.”

  Gary belted out a laugh, running his hand over his closely shorn head. “No, sir. We’re pretty close to gourmet when we cook together. We’ll put something special together. It’ll be paleo, but by the time you’re done recuperating, you’ll probably be a bit chubby from not working out.” He laughed again.

  “Shit…I wish. Terra has me on a mild diet that won’t cause issues with the painkillers.”

  “You know what’s funny? I’ve sold more Rhobatrin in the past few weeks than ever. Maybe you should ask your doc for some.”

  “Yeah, Terra thinks pills make you dependent on more pills,” I said. She was maniacal when it came to more holistic medicine. Having worked in the industry for a while, I couldn’t say I blamed her.

  “She ain’t lying,” he said, downing the rest of his beer. Completely inconsiderate since he knew I couldn’t drink any. “Well, I’d better get going. Oh, and call your father, you selfish ass.”

  I glanced up at him for a moment, my eyes wide. Oh…Gloria. “Yeah…I will.”

  Gary walked over and gave me a dap handshake before heading to the front door. Thankfully, that door had its own locking mechanism so I didn’t have to struggle to get up and let him out.

  I was alone, processing thoughts I’d long ago pushed out of my mind. Like my relationship with my father. He should have called me. Could have checked on me since he knew where I was…but he hadn’t.

  Maybe he didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say I was wildly different from himwas. I’d always struggled with telling people how I felt, what was on my mind.

  Maybe I don’t understand, but imagine if he would have found out the last person in the world who he was connected to died?

  Terra’s words echoed in my mind…and my heart.

  I picked up the phone before I could stop myself and scrolled through my contacts until I found the number to the nursing home. I hit call and then waited while the phone rang two times.

  “Hello,” the chipper voice on the other end said. “Grace Elder Care. How may I assist you?”

  “Hi there. Could you please connect me to Mr. Lyle’s room? Benton Lyle?” I coughed, as my throat seemed to be closing in on itself.

  “Why yes, I can. Hold for one moment, please.”

  The line went to music and a recording that gave tips on caring for nursing home patients who visited loved ones at home and I sank a bit further into sadness. My father wouldn’t visit me outside of that home. Probably never. It was a horrible thought.

  “This is Benton,” the voice said.

  I was startled. I hadn’t heard him speak in so long I could barely recall what he’d sounded like. His voice seemed tired, worn, but hadn’t it been the same back when I was a child? “Dad…” I started. “It’s Ashton.”

  Silence.

  “Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m, uh…out of the hospital. I know that my friend…my, um…girlfriend called you to let you know I was there. And that you didn’t speak to her. At all. And that’s fine, you know, because…because I’m pretty used to that. But it would have been nice to know that you were concerned.”

  More silence. He hadn’t hung up, but I was starting to wonder what would have been worse.

  “So um…here’s the thing, Dad. All those years ago when Mum died…we never talked about it. I mean not one time. We didn’t visit her grave. I mean, I don’t even know where it is in New York. You could have told me something, Dad. Should have tried to help me through it. Instead…” I choked back the lump that was making my voice waver and continued. “I lost both my parents when I was ten years old. And I needed you. I had no one to navigate manhood with. No one to tell me about girls. Do you know, I’ve spent half my life scared to death that if I fell in love, and I lost them by some cruel twist of fate, that I would lose my mind entirely? That if I happened to have a kid with that woman, whoever she was, I wouldn’t be able to give the child the life it deserved? Dad…do you even know how fucked up that was? I think…I think getting shot was the best thing that happened to me. Because it was the very thing that woke me up to needing someone to love. I’d been walking around in a haze—remnants of shit you left smeared all over my life.” The lump in my throat was growing and left me unable to say anything more.

  After a few tries and the silence that lingered on the phone, I finally hung up. As sobs racked my body, I felt Terra’s arms go around me.

  “I’m sorry, Ash. I know it hurts and I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I called your name when I got home. You were yelling so loud that—”

  “It’s okay. I just…” My ability to speak was gone again.

  Terra pulled at me, cradling me in her arms, enveloping me with her warmth and love, and rocked me until I slowly let it all go.

  Chapter 20

  Terra

  I took it easy on Ashton the next couple of weeks after his conversation with his father. I knew he was sorting through his feelings and I didn’t want to push or pry. He’d been through more than enough. Even after we’d just gotten back from his follow-up appointment, I didn’t press him for details on his visit, didn’t go into the room with him and the doctor, hadn’t inserted myself into his business any more than I already had. For the most part, I let him be. He talked to me about things and I answered. I’d overstepped my boundaries with him, hurt him, even though it was the last thing I’d wanted to do. So I’d need to let him come back to me.

  Hell, he hadn’t even asked me for sex in a while. When I started going in to work for a few hours every day, he didn’t try to sneak out once. It had been all I could do to keep him from leaving my place for the first few days after “the thing,” as I’d taken to calling it when I spoke with Gloria about it. He wasn’t in good enough condition to cook for himself, and they were checking his staples from a revision they’d had to do on one of his sutures that afternoon to see if they could come out or whether there was any infection. I didn’t ask about that, either. I figured he’d tell me if he wanted me to know. That would have to be good enough. We walked into the house and he sat beside me at the island in the kitchen while I sorted through the mail.

  Ashton cleared his throat and ran a thumb over my wrist to get my attention. “So, um, since I’m off the antibiotics and they’ve moved me from opioid therapy to something that doesn’t tranquilize elephants, you think I could have something that resembles table food?”

>   I couldn’t help but laugh at his comparisons. The laughter was good after a couple of days of tension between us. Walking in to put my bag on the table, I waited for him to stand beside me, the scent of masculinity enveloping me. “So, salmon and brown rice?”

  His brow shot upward, accentuating his handsome features. “Maybe steak and potatoes? I feel like I’ve earned it. How about we call your aunt over?” Ash took his favorite seat on the barstool and glanced up to me expectantly. Probably anticipating a battle.

  “How about seared beef tips, broccoli, and couscous? And maybe we’ll go see Aunt Sonja later this week.” I leaned over the island and smiled at the compromise.

  “I was shooting for no veggies at all, but I’m too busy drooling over the idea of red meat. I hope my teeth haven’t begun to loosen from not having to chew for the last month and a half.”

  “I think you’ll survive.”

  “And since I have an almost clean bill of health, may I have some whiskey and a cigar?”

  “Now you’re pushing it.” I stopped smiling, even though I’d brought him a bottle from the bar the other night. It’d been chilling in the freezer waiting for him to get better. Since he never actually opened the freezer, perhaps not even knowing the function of the thing, it was hiding in plain sight.

  “All right.” He laughed. Hadn’t heard that from him in a while, so that lifted my spirits. He’d said he’d forgiven me for calling his father and apologized for his reaction, which he called over the top that night, but I still felt bad. Neither of us was prepared to deal with actually being mad at each other. It was both unexpected and unwelcome in the cocoon. “Can I help you cook?”

  It was my turn to pop a brow. “Can you cook, Ash? You don’t seem like…”

  “I cannot. Not at all. But I’m surprisingly good at following orders. I need something to do with my hands, since they haven’t been on you.”