Blacklisted from the PTA

by Davidson, Lela

  7. You used to be really into each other. Between the diapers, the [oops] late electric bill, and that odd smell in the hallway, romance can get away from you— quick. Sometimes sitting on the couch (after having just spent twenty minutes vying for the remote) you wonder how you ended up with this person. Getting away from everything together helps you focus on each other—on what attracted you (besides the, um, heat.) You may be surprised to find you’re still kind of into each other—at least until you need to get home to unclog the drain.

  6. There is no Bravo vs. Discovery Channel on a date. We all get selfish. When the routine at home gets stressful, we seek comforts, from eating the foods we like to watching what we want on TV. All of these petty preferences divide us. The great thing about date night is it has an agenda. Even if you’re only going to a coffee shop to share a triple-choco-latte, you’re there to be together. That’s the only objective. It’s not about what you want or what your partner wants, the time has been set aside to spend time together as a unit.

  5. Shoes, shoes, shoes. When you have young kids you can start to feel frumpy fast. If you don’t have a date night, what excuse have you got to dress up? Some of us end up covered in spit-up most days. Even if you dress in “real clothes” for work every day, you still need the glamour date night provides. Couples need to see each other at top form once in a while (see above). And it’s fun. Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to look cute. (But if you’ve got a little extra, I’d spend it on shoes.)

  4. The kids love eating mac-n-cheese out of a box. Your kids will enjoy seeing their parents go out and do something fun. They might not admit it, and they may even try to pour on a little guilt, but it can only do them good to see mom and dad make each other a priority. You’ll be setting a good example, and they really do like that junky food we fix on our way out to something better. (Oh, STOP feeling guilty. It’s not every night!)

  3. It may be the only night of the month you actually do your hair. Seriously, hair can take a long time! The point here is not that you’re not already bathing on a regular basis, but that everyone needs special things to look forward to. Sometimes our regular work-a-day and take-care-of-the-kids lives don’t offer many opportunities to shine. Maybe you aren’t working your dream job or slicing your carrots on granite countertops, but you can make date night a bright spot on your calendar.

  2. Date night is a good time to reminisce. In the early years of a relationship friends are always asking how you met. This inevitably leads to sweet or funny or mushy stories of eyes locking and hands trembling and blahty-blahblah-blah. But it’s fun, and reminds you why you (see above) a) find each other hot, and b)used to be quite into each other. So live a little, in the past. You don’t want rely memories for all your contentment because that would mean you’re not busy making new memories, but reminiscing about any good times together (not just at the beginning) is good for your future.

  And the number one reason to date your spouse:

  1. It could lead to sex.

  Sex is really, really good for you. You need it. Just like food and water, it’s fundamental to good health—both your physical well-being and that of your relationship. Obviously, date night is critical. How do you expect to get naked with someone you can’t have a conversation with? A scheduled date night is not the be-all-end-all solution to every relationship trouble, but it’s one little thing you can do. And it’s not the grand gestures define a relationship; it’s the little things, added up over time, that fortify. So think little, as in—get a little.

  Date Night Etiquette

  BECAUSE THINGS TEND TO GET A LITTLE—LET’S SAY RELAXED—with a long time partner, many couples commit to a date night. Before you do, consider a refresher course in dating etiquette. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to keep in mind for successful dating.

  DO make an effort to look your best. The shorts you wore to garden or mow the lawn are not appropriate date night attire, no matter how comfortable.

  DON’T point out the dieter’s special on the menu. Eating light on a date is one thing; suggesting it to your date is reserved for the pre-committed relationship phase.

  DO shave if you need to. This is a hard and fast dating rule and it doesn’t matter that you already did it once today. Do it again.

  DON’T ask if you’re getting lucky tonight. If you are, you’ll know soon enough. If not, you’ve now ruined your chances for next time, too.

  DO talk about something besides your pets and/or children. Your spouse is not nearly as interested in them as you think. Ditto for your boring job.

  DON’T keep checking Facebook or the score on whatever game you’re missing. You will be back to your pathetic existence-as-usual soon enough. Enjoy the moment you’re actually in.

  DO give each other some privacy to get ready. There’s nothing that spoils the mood so much as your date watching you tame the rogue eyebrow.

  DON’T accept any old excuse to skip date night. The dog’s toenails can be clipped tomorrow. In fact, those suckers can go for months.

  DO build up the excitement with some pre-date flirtation. If you don’t know how to sext, just ask that high school kid next door.

  DON’T flirt with the waiter or waitress. And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. There you are—refreshed and completely primed for your next adventure in dating. And one last don’t: if you don’t follow my advice, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

  How to Date Like a President

  THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY HAVE MADE IT PUBLIC THAT THEY embrace date night. If the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth, responsible for maintaining world peace and keeping the markets from spiraling ever downward, can commit to a regular date night, what’s stopping you? Sure, the Obamas have more than their share of reasons to skip date night, but let’s not overlook their advantages. Despite all the responsibilities facing the First Couple, they have a few things going for them:

  • The Obamas have live-in help. Even if the First Family didn’t include Michelle’s mother, I’m pretty sure they’d have a hook-up for quality childcare on demand. ~ You have that girl down the street who just started to drive and wear black eyeliner. If you’re lucky and call three weeks ahead, she’s available.

  • The Obamas have a limo and driver, which leaves little chance of getting in a fight on the way to the restaurant because Barack won’t stop to ask for directions. ~ You have a minivan with Chick-Fil-A ground into the seats and a collection of pinecones from the state park rolling around the back. Sexy.

  • The Obamas have lots of invitations to parties and events. I’m pretty sure they’re not sitting around on Thursday night trying to decide how to spice up their date night. ~ You live in the suburbs where on any given date night you might be choosing between Red Lobster, a pottery class, and a talk on that endangered bird.

  • The Obamas possess the hotness factor. Face it: we’d all be more excited if our mates were as toned and attractive as Barack and Michelle. ~ You squeeze fitness in between trips to the new Target and dance recitals, and your personal beauty routine consists of flossing.

  • The Obamas have less time together. The demands of the presidency make it that much more important for them to carve out quality time together. ~ You spend way too much time with your spouse as it is. All you want to do on the weekend is escape. Besides, isn’t cleaning the garage quality time enough?

  First Lady Michelle Obama stated in an interview that her big moment of realization of just how important date night really is came when one of their daughters mentioned how much she loved seeing her parents hold hands and go out on a date. Remember that next time you feel selfish leaving the kids behind. Call me, I’ll come over for Secret Service duty.

  Hot Date at Sam’s Club

  I WRITE A COLUMN GIVING ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE ROMANTIC date nights with your spouse. I’ve encouraged married folk to commit to a regular date night, shake things up with novel activities, and take that extra time to prep
are for and flirt with their spouses. I’ve profiled happily married couples and even created a primer on how to date like the Obamas. I’m such a fraud. My own dating life is not so healthy. My dates lack the romantic spark I advocate. On a recent Saturday night, for example, my husband and I experienced the rare thrill of being childless for a few hours. I sat on his lap and told him there was something I wanted to do. Before he even had time to ponder the possibilities, I laid it on him: what I really, really wanted—was Sam’s Club.

  I wasn’t lured by the flattering fluorescent lighting or the possibility of making out in a pleather recliner in the furniture aisle. No, I needed to scope out the food options for the fortieth birthday party I was throwing myself. (In more romantic couples, the person not actually having the big milestone birthday might be the one to plan the party, but this is about us.)

  Let the dating begin! First we stopped at the optical counter, where I talked John into some stylish new frames. A few minutes later we shared samples of Goldfish crackers and compared the price of meat and cheese trays. He told me he’d take care of everything for the party, which is not how it will work, but it sounded nice, and saying pretty things is half of romance.

  A particularly zesty looking tray of enchiladas wouldn’t let us go. We picked them up to pop into the microwave at home. Our hot date would now include a romantic meal. The free appetizer course was served in store: pizza, granola bars, and sausage.

  We saw and were seen. Among the thirty-pound bags of avocados and lifetime supplies of Pop Tarts, we found people we knew—a neighbor, a friend, a co-worker. Turned out Sam’s was the place to be that Saturday night.

  We even held hands. There were no cute jeans, no sexy shoes. I didn’t blow out my hair or retouch my makeup. But it was nice. This errand I could have done on my own was as good a date as any. Doing it together reminded me of how life used to be before the business end of our family got so big it required dividing up all the little tasks that used to bring us together.

  We went home and shared those enchiladas in the living room like old times. John tried to sit next to me on the love seat, but it wasn’t comfortable and we’ve got nothing to prove. He headed over to the recliner, where I was welcome to join him for a make out session—or not. And he let me pick the movie.

  Maybe I’m not such a fraud after all.

  Retiring Romance

  RECENTLY MY HUSBAND AND I SAT DOWN WITH A RETIRE- MENT specialist to discuss our financial future. I am the consummate multi-tasker, so I may have erroneously referred to this as a lunch “date.” Or maybe it was no accident.

  Not that it wasn’t romantic. Especially digging through our files to find copies of what we fondly refer to as “coffee money,” aka our combined 401k accounts, Roth IRAs, and statements from some option we bought during one or another bubble.

  Several years ago we sat down in a bright Dallas office of Charles Schwab and worked out a suitable asset allocation based on our low tolerance for risk and high desire to have a lot of money someday. After that, life interfered. The systematic review of our assets went the way of date nights. That is to say, it was neglected.

  Then there was the whole stock market issue. Remember 2009? Or don’t. Neither my husband nor I had the stomach to look at our accounts for months. I kept telling him, “Don’t worry, everyone’s in the same boat.” When the communal sigh of relief was heard throughout the land as the Dow began to rise, our portfolio was still looking like a latte finance plan. I switched my encouragement to, “Don’t be such a baby. It’s not a trailer park; it’s a mobile home community.”

  Because it was a date, and because my husband was coming from work, where he is still expected to wear something a notch up from yoga pants and flip flops, I dressed for our appointment with the banker. As I pulled on big girl slacks, I thought I’d better not gain weight, or lose it either. Ever. These may be the last nice clothes I’d ever own.

  We were greeted, served coffee, and showed to an office where our retirement specialist explained to us the process of mapping out best case and acceptable case scenarios for our non-working future. We spent what I thought was an inordinate amount of time discussing the age at which my husband would retire.

  “Fifty-five is ideal,” he said.

  “Are you kidding me?” I said. “That’s in ten years. You have no hobbies. What would you do with the rest of your life?” And, I thought, I’ll be fifty. My need for cosmetic procedures will just be ramping up and those are not cheap.

  “Okay, sixty.”

  “Sixty-five.”

  “You know,” the nice woman with the calculator said, “there are considerable benefits to waiting until you’re sixtyseven to stop working.”

  “Ha!” I said. Such a romantic.

  After a brief discussion of Social Security and far fewer questions about our saving and spending habits than I expected, we came to the “extras” section of the interview. This is where my husband asserted his need in retirement to buy a boat—a big one.

  “Except I want to buy it now,” he told our trusted counselor.

  “Okay,” she said. “We’ll work that into the calculation.” She turned to me. “One last question—how do you want me to treat your income? Should I count it as extra or include it in the overall forecast.”

  “Put it toward my world travels,” I told her.

  “Your travels?”

  “Best case scenario.” She turned to John. “Did you know about the traveling?” He shrugged. “She doesn’t like my boat.”

  Top Ten Stupid Date Night Ideas

  WITH THE RIDICULOUS DATE NIGHT ADVICE OUT THERE, IT’S A wonder anyone’s having any fun at all. Here are the top ten stupid date night ideas I found on the Internet. (I swear I did not make these up.)

  10. Put on your sexiest stilettos and sip fancy cocktails at a hotel bar. I’m hoping the heels are for the ladies, but still. Watch your step. You won’t feel too sexy on the stretcher en route to the nearest ER.

  9. Bubble bath for two with candles and champagne. Ah… the classic. Remember that what passes for sexy in the movies does not necessarily translate into your real life. Unless you really enjoy taking baths and you and your lovahhh can fit neatly into the tub together, this play might be out of your league. Then again, bubbles hide a multitude of [cheesecake] sins.

  8. Make a meal of aphrodisiac oysters. Slurping oysters from the shell is supposed to be hot. Perhaps, but if you’re leery about tomatoes and bagged spinach, raw seafood may not be in your comfort zone.

  7. Grown up trick-or-treating. Again, I did not make this up. One site actually suggested putting on a sexy outfit and knocking on the bedroom door. This is disturbing and wrong. Plus, unless you’re a size two, the naughty nurse costume is a little scary.

  6. Enjoy a rousing game of Twister. Uh huh. If you’re going to try this, I suggest you first program the number of a great chiropractor into your cell phone and keep it within reach. Better yet, leave it with your neighbor, as she’ll likely be the one to rescue you from your twisted little love knot.

  5. Spread a blanket on the floor and have a carpet picnic. Maybe your house is cleaner than mine. Maybe your carpet is newer. I’m just saying. Getting too close to my floor would quickly transform any romantic ideas into fantasies of having the steam cleaner guy come twice a year instead of once.

  4. Take a sketchpad to a scenic bluff and draw your own version of the vista.

  Is it just my husband, or would your guy also draw a stick figure with boobs?

  3. Suit up and spend a late afternoon at the indoor pool of the YMCA. Nothing gets me hotter than nasal burning chlorine and swimming in kid pee. You?

  2. Paint coffee mugs at a paint-your-own-pottery place. Seriously? Coffee mugs? Shoot me now.

  And my all time favorite:

  1. Give each other haircuts. What can I say? I hope you have a pre-nup.

  Marriage, Home Maintenance, and Imaginary Widowhood

  IF HUSBANDS WERE LOTTERY PRIZES, MINE—WIT
H HIS FAT paycheck, full head of Richard Gere hair, and sly smile—would be the Power Ball. He takes care of his kids, makes me laugh, and is great in bed. (Don’t tell him I said that—any of it.) Bonus: he’s handy. Not snake-the-toilet handy—Bob Vila handy.

  His skills have saved us thousands over the years, and currently subsidize my twice-monthly housekeeper habit. John changes oil and brakes, makes filtered water flow, and spackles my drywall. He doesn’t complain about these jobs, which are always more difficult and time consuming than they should be.

  He sighs and says, “Nothing’s ever easy.” We fell in love with our house six years ago. Relocating from out of state, we had two harried realtors and forty-eight hours to make a decision. Our favorite feature was the two-story living room and its arched windows flooding light in every direction. We didn’t notice the six canister lights on the ceiling—twentyfive feet up—until some time after closing.

  When we moved in I placed lamps all over the room and pretended the dull overhead lighting didn’t exist. We could have lived like that forever without changing a single bulb if John hadn’t insisted on using the damn things.

  But you choose your battles. Especially when you live with the jackpot. For years John pondered what to do at the first bulb fatality. When one of the easy-access lights in the kitchen popped, he replaced it at its ten-foot perch and sweated over the eventual death of one of those unreachable living room lights, trying to estimate how many hours of life remained. I humored him, joining debates over the relative merits of ladders versus scaffolding versus accessing the cans through the attic. It always ended with John imploring the cosmos, “Why the hell would anyone put lights up so high?”