by Lori Wick
My father would have demanded an answer, not
given me a choice."
Cash waited, knowing he needn't say any more.
"All I can tell you," Reagan started, "is what I know. I
don't know the details. I just know how it affected me. Not
long after my ninth birthday, my parents had a terrible
fight. There was yelling and screaming, and I was locked
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out of the apartment. When my father came storming out,
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I ran in to find my mother on the floor.
'To this day I don't know if he struck her or forced himself
on her or what, but she was crying and her hair was a
mess, and she sat up and said she couldn't take it anymore."
Reagan looked up and found Cash listening carefully.
"She was gone when I woke up the next morning, and I
never saw her again. For a time I tried to be a very good
little girl, certain that would bring her back, but no one
even noticed. On top of that my father was addicted to the
bottle, and that only grew worse after Mama left. He was
angry all the time, and I became afraid of him when he
came close, to backhanding me. That only happened once,
and he stopped short, but I remember it I didn't answer
him quickly enough about where I'd been, and he almost
hit me.
"Day after day I would watch him drink until he
couldn't move in the chair any longer, and I'd leave him
alone until he roused again. I don't know how we ate or
even stayed in the apartment, but one day he didn't rouse,
and I went for the neighbors. He was dead, and I was
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alone. I wasn't going to let it get me down, so before I was
even a teen, I found work. I worked hard and did my best
to find adventure around every corner so I could forget the
things that hurt me. Thaf s why I took the nanny's job that
didn't work out. That's why I was willing to come to
Texas."
Reagan looked him in the eye.
"But there's one adventure that terrifies me. I never
wanted to be married. I never wanted a man to have control
over me or to love me and then leave me or hurt me."
Cash put his hand out, just holding it open and waiting.
After a moment, Reagan placed her hand in his palm, but
Cash did not enclose her hand. Still moving carefully, he
put his thumb on the back of her hand, not too tightly, and
not attempting to pull her toward him in any way.
City Girl 245
"I must know your views on marriage better than
anyone, Reagan. I've had to be very careful."
"What do you mean?"
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With his thumb stroking gently over the back of her
hand, Cash said, "You're not a woman a man can rush. Not
that I tend to be reckless, but I knew I had to be extra
careful with your heart"
"Oh, Cash," was all she could think to say. Her thoughts
felt scrambled. He was so wonderful--her heart knew
that--but her mind was still afraid. Even the way he held
her hand was undemanding. She didn't think she had ever
met anyone like him.
"You need to know, Reagan, how much I want to take
you in my arms right now and kiss you." Cash shocked her
with his words; the hold on her hand had given no indication.
"But you may not want to be my wife. You may never
accept my love, and as much as I want to kiss you, I'm not
going to do that if you're not going to marry me."
'I've never been kissed."
"When I was 16,1 had a girlfriend and we used to kiss.
When I got a little older, I saw what a mistake that was, but
I've not had anyone in my life since I came to Christ."
Reagan's face told Cash she was thinking again. Thankfully,
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she wasn't long in saying what it was.
"Kissing leads to other things."
Even though his head still hurt, Cash had to laugh. She
was always such a surprise.
"Well, doesn't it?"
"Yes, it certainly can--it never has for me--but even
talking about it can lead to temptation, so I think the two
of us had better get back on the trail."
Cash came awkwardly to his feet, and Reagan touched
his arm.
"How is your head?"
"It hurts, but my heart knows I'm not in love alone, and
that's enough to make me ignore the pain."
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Reagan smiled. She was not a woman who dreamed
about a man falling for her and telling her how he felt, but
if she were, this would not be what she imagined.
You've been fighting this for years, Reagan girl--it's the least
you deserve.
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The two made their way down the hill to the horses and
then very slowly back to the ranch. Reagan kept a close eye
on Cash, but he didn't look as if he was going to pass out
as she feared. She offered to go for someone to help with
the horses, knowing she was useless in the barn, and Cash
accepted. One of the hands, looking very pleased to be following
Reagan, came in a hurry and offered to help Cash
to the house as well.
Cash said he could handle it but was glad to get to the
living room.
"If this isn't the worst," he commented quietly as he
dropped onto the sofa.
"What's that?" Reagan asked. She had remained close
by, hoping for a bit more conversation.
"Finding out you love me and having a headache all at
the same time."
Reagan smiled. She had never heard him sound so disgruntled.
"Should I go for the doctor?" Reagan asked, making herself
be practical.
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"I don't think so."
This was no more than said when they both heard the
bunkhouse cook coining through the kitchen. Max had
come to see Katy on occasion, but Reagan had never had
much interaction with him.
"Cash," he called again. "Where are you?"
"In the living room."
Max's voice brought Meg from Kat/s room, so she was
standing nearby when he arrived.
"You hit your head?" the older man demanded.
"Just a bump."
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"Let me see it," he grumbled, as though Cash were a
pesky child. "You've got a good egg there. What were you
doing?"
"I lost my footing and fell against a tree."
Max shook his head.
"You'll have to keep an eye on him tonight," he said to
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Reagan. "Don't let him sleep too long."
Cash tried to object, but Reagan was taking it all in. As
though the ranch owner weren't even in the room, plans
were made around him. Reagan was told to wake him
twice during the night, three times if he went to bed early,
and Max would check him again in the morning. Max then
proceeded to Katy's room, where she had just gotten back
into bed, to fill her in as well.
"I'm fine," Cash said for the umpteenth time and then
gave up trying to convince anyone. Meg was busy putting
lunch on as both Reagan and Cash had missed it, and Max
headed out to tell Brad about the head injury.
Cash was sitting in the living room feeling as though the
house were falling apart around him when he realized all
was quiet and that he was not alone. He looked over to see
Reagan sitting on a chair watching him.
"Do you feel like you've lost control of your own
home?"
"That was perceptive of you."
"Not really."
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Cash's brows rose in question.
"You're always the one in charge, always the one to take
care of everyone else. Having anything happen to you
makes the rest of us fall apart."
"You seem pretty calm right now."
'I'm not as calm as I look. I'm afraid you're not all right,
but you won't admit it or don't realize it."
"May I be honest with you?"
Reagan nodded.
"My head hurts a little, but my real problem is my frustration
in not being able to talk to you more."
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"What would you say?"
"I would ask you if I can talk to Pastor or Russell about
us. I know how I feel, and I know how you feel, but there
are things to be worked out because of your fear."
Reagan nodded in understanding.
"Once in a while," she admitted, "I would have a vision
of living here for always and being yours too, and sometimes
454
it would feel scary to me and sometimes not."
"What does it feel like right now?"
Reagan had to shake her head and confess that she
wasn't sure.
"I just wish," she whispered, her heart ripping a little
around the edge, "that you could have someone who's not
me. I think you deserve better."
Cash didn't say a word, but Reagan got the distinct
impression that he was not happy with this idea. She suspected
that he might even have addressed the issue, but
Meg came through the living room just then to tell them
she had lunch hot and ready on the table.
Cash and Reagan thanked her and moved to the kitchen,
both knowing that the end of this conversation was going
to have to wait.
tfumfa
"ARE you sure You want to try this?" Cash asked Katy
again.
455
"I'm sure. Are you sure?"
Cash smiled when her tone begged him not to say no.
Reagan had awakened him in the night, but even so he'd
slept well. Now, after having assured the woman repeatedly
that his head was fine, Cash had rigged up a ramp in
order to push Katy's wheelchair into the back of the
wagon. The plan was not without risks.
"What do you suppose the doc would say?" Katy asked
conversationally as Cash tied her chair to the sideboards to
steady it.
"You do know how to panic a man, don't you, Kate."
Katy gave a crack of laughter just as Reagan came from
the house with all of their Bibles.
"Are we set?" she asked, her eyes alight with excitement.
This scheme had been all her own, and even though
Cash had originally been horrified by the idea, he was once
again won over by Katy's pleasure.
"I think so. Are you still riding back here?"
"Yes. I have a quilt to sit on, and I'll just keep the chair
steady."
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Cash shook his head when she looked mischievous and
then stepped forward to help her when she moved to climb
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aboard. She smiled down at him, and his eyes held hers for
a moment.
"It's about time you two found each other," Katy stated,
shocking them a little. She looked at the couple staring at
her and snorted.
"My hip is broken/' she reminded them. "Not my eyes."
"Katy/' Cash began patiently, feeling very protective of
Reagan, "it's not that simple. We're going to give this--"
"I know," she cut him off. "Reagan has to get over her
fear of being married, but she will. And I'm not going to
spread the news until the two of you do."
"How did you know, Katy?" Reagan asked from her
place on the floor of the wagon bed.
457
The older woman's face was kind. "I live with the two of
you, Reagan. Cash didn't even know it, but as soon as you
came to Christ, his feelings toward you started to change.
And you didn't want this, but no woman has ever been
able to resist Cash Rawlings. He's never encouraged them,
mind you, but when that man walks the streets of Kinkade,
female heads turn from all directions."
It was an interesting start to the morning. They had to
get going because the ride was going to be slower, but both
Cash and Reagan were somewhat shocked by all of Katy's
observations.
"I've been praying for you both," she added when the
wagon was finally set into motion.
"And what exactly have you been praying?" Cash asked
over his shoulder from his place behind the reins.
"That you would grow in the Lord, so that if He did
bring you together you'd be ready. I prayed in God's will,
but I must admit I've wanted to see it happen."
"Why did you never say anything?" Reagan asked.
"That wouldn't have been wise. If I had been mistaken,
458
it would have just made you uncomfortable around each
other."
"But why did you say something now?" Cash asked.
City Girl 251
"Because something more went on yesterday than you
bumping your head. I don't need to know what, but
Reagan doesn't have to try not to look at you anymore, and
you touched her arm twice last night, Cash. Thaf s not
something I've ever seen you do to any woman before."
Cash turned around and met Reagan's wide gaze before
both started to laugh. Katy joined them, not knowing when
she had felt so good. Her hip was mending, and she was
headed to church--and not out of fear--but because God
now lived inside of her. This thought, however, reminded
her of something she needed to take care of with Cash.
"Cash," Katy called to him just as her chair shifted a
little and her hip experienced some pain.
"Am I going too fast?"
"No. I've got something to apologize to you about."
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"All right. Did you want to talk to me later?"
"No. Reagan can hear this. Remember how angry I was
about your view of your parents' salvation?"
"I remember."
"Well, I can see what you were talking about now. I
know your mother would have come if she'd received the
letter you sent. She's that type of pers'on. But I do see what
you meant before. Being a good person is not what God has
to say."
It had been said in Katy's way, but Cash understood her.
"Thank you, Kate. I appreciate that very much."
The three went on to church and had a wonderful
morning. Less man a handful of folks missed the chance to
greet Katy and wish her well, and she thought that if she
died that day, she would do so the happiest person on
&n
bsp; earth.
"How many folks get a second chance at my age?" she
asked Noelle Ellis.
"Not many take it like you have, Katy. Even at the
eleventh hour God saves, but it seems that not many folks
460
see their need in time."
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Katy was so excited she could hardly speak. She was still
sitting there smiling when Cash came to claim her.
"Are you about ready to head out?"
"Yes, I am. Is Reagan ready?"
"I believe so."
Several men were on hand to help Cash load Katy and
her chair back into the wagon. It wasn't without discomfort
to her, but if the truth be told, that lady barely even noticed.
'3T
"Katy!" Cash called to her after he made a trip into town
on Thursday morning.
"In the kitchen," she called back.
Cash just about ran to find her and saw Reagan in attendance
as well.
"My parents are on their way!" he told them. "Davis at
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the telegraph office caught me just as I was leaving town.
They had been out of the state, and while away my father
had taken ill, but now they're on their way."
"We'll have to shop," Katy said decisively. "Do we have
time?"
"I'm not sure," he spoke as he tried to scan the contents
of the message again. "With this date, they could be
coming in today."
Amid Katy's and his own excitement, it took a moment
for Cash to notice that Reagan was missing. He called for
her and began to check around the house, but not until he
walked through the living room did he spot her out front,
bicycle in hand, getting ready to hop on and ride. Without
having to be told, he knew she was not headed out for
exercise.
He was out the door in a flash, running faster than he
had in years. He caught up with her just as she was giving
the bike a push to jump on. He was thankful she heard his
approach and stopped.
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"Oh, Cash," she said quietly, her features strained and
tense, "I have to go home for a little while. I should have
told you, but you're here now, so now you know."
"Can I tali you?" he offered, his chest still heaving
some.
"No, no," she said, her eyes filling with panic. "Ill be
back sometime."
"Reagan, honey," Cash said gently, "whaf s wrong?"
"I just need to go home. If s been a long time."
"Does this have anything to do with my parents'
coming?"
"I have to go," she told him, not even looking at him.
"I'll be back."