by Shayn Bloom
I grin at this slight. “Bad dog!”
“You have no idea…”
Mom appears at my side. She looks frazzled. “I guess you were going to leave me back there with my Diet Coke for company,” she says to me. Before I can respond she extends her hand to Wolf, smiling warmly at him. “Cindy Saynt,” she says formally. “Glad to make your acquaintance.”
“Wolfgang Ronfaro,” he says, shaking her hand.
“Mom, this is my friend Wolf. Wolf, this is my mom. We were having a drink when we saw you at the bar.”
Mom gazes at me pointedly. “You mean you were having a drink. I was having a Diet Coke.” She thinks… To my dismay, she takes the stool next to mine so I’m sandwiched between them. Between Mom and Wolf. Wolf’s the rock. Mom’s the hard place. Most unfortunate.
Two can play at her game. “Still hungry?” I ask.
“Not in the least,” she says, not missing a beat. “I’m on my second wind, my little saint! When you’re so hungry you’re not,” she explains to Wolf.
He seems to have no idea what she’s talking about.
“I’d better run,” Wolf says, dropping a bill on the bar and getting up. “Lots of schoolwork I don’t have to do!” He hugs me, whispering in my ear, “Think about what I’ve said. I’m ready when you are.”
Offering me his best crooked grin, Wolf’s out the door and up the street. Already far away. I wonder when I will see him again. Soon, I hope. And I don’t. The sooner I see him the sooner I have to figure out this mess with Gabriel. With the one who will never accept me as his equal – or will he?
Mom is gazing wistfully at the door Wolfgang left out of. “Handsome boy,” she says. “When did you start dating him?”
Alone with her again, I search for my gin and tonic. Fuck! I left it back at the table. “We aren’t dating,” I answer dismissively. “We’re friends. That’s all.” I have trouble believing my own words.
“Sweetie,” she says in that mothering way where the tone descends. Fuck I hate that. “I saw everything! I was watching the whole time. I may not have heard anything from across the room, but I saw his body language toward you. I saw you two hugging. He definitely likes you, Nora Saynt.”
“I know he does. That’s obvious!”
“Relax, honey,” Mom tells me. “I’m just saying what I saw.” Yeah, right. She’s rarely just doing anything. “The question is,” she begins again delicately, “do you like him? Because if you do you should get him while you can. And if you don’t, please leave him alone. It won’t end well.”
She would know!
Despite my fresh pangs of irritation, Mom has a point. This is what I’m doing wrong. Not being decisive. I can either date Gabriel or Wolf. Can’t live with neither and according to them can’t live with both.
“Yes,” I say to her, “I do like him. A lot.”
She smiles, patting her hair as she gazes at the ceiling. “Well, then make him yours before it’s too late. Because ‘too late’ is coming. Perhaps sooner, perhaps later. But it’s coming, Nora Saynt.”
I ponder this.
“Come on,” Mom says, “let’s go.”
Getting up, we leave The Mousetrap and find the car a block up the street. Mom takes me back to Evergreen State College, pulling around till she’s at the top of the horseshoe road adjoining Red Square.
I have half a mind to leave the car without giving her a goodbye hug. I think better of it. Instead, I embrace her as my mother. Not a perfect mother. Not a great mother. Not even a good mother. Simply my mother. Because that’s who she is.
“Bye, Mom,” I tell her, “thanks for visiting. Thanks for the iPad! I’ve been getting lots of use out of it!”
She smiles fondly. “Look at you, Nora Saynt. You’re practically glowing! You really do like that boy, don’t you?”
I nod, smiling back. At last we’re having a happy exchange! Best to quit while ahead. So I get out of the car. “Love you, Mom,” I say, despite a roaring inside me not to. “Have a good rest of semester. And easy on the Chanel!” Without waiting for a response, I turn on my heel and begin walking across Red Square.
I don’t look back.
* * *
I open the door to find Kiri not looking pleased. She’s sitting Indian style on her bed, her laptop on her knees, her hair bobbed. From behind horn-rimmed glasses her eyes lock on me as I walk in the room.
Oh shit. I don’t need more conflict.
“Hi,” Kiri says, and instantly I sense it in her tone. A tenseness. A straining to keep calm. I must have pissed her off. What on earth have I done now? “Haven’t seen you all day,” Kiri remarks.
“You won’t believe the day I’ve had!” I exhale, weighting my voice with exhaustion. Maybe if she sees I’ve had enough she’ll lay off. “Nearly died of boredom in two classes and then guess who shows up. My Mom! Right?” I follow up Kiri’s restrained burst of surprise. “So I take her to The Mousetrap and try and get her drunk. It didn’t work. Least I got a drink! Lord knows –!”
“Nora,” Kiri interrupts. “Why did you have sex on my bed?”
Oh fucking shitballs! I forgot all about that. Geez, I’m not having a good day. Didn’t I tell her that? I thought she would get the message. “Oh, that,” I begin lamely, “I’m not sure what you –”
“There’s blood all over my comforter,” Kiri informs me. “You didn’t tell me you’re a virgin. Or were a virgin. Either that happened or an axe murderer came in here, demanded you get on my bed, and slew you there. But then where’s the body? And how come you’re still living in it?”
Won’t be for long! my alter ego says happily.
Die, evildoer! I retort.
Geez, Kiri’s mouth gets small when she’s mad.
“Sorry,” I tell her. “I – I was going to replace it, Kiri, honest. I forgot – my bad. I’ll buy you another.”
Kiri puts her laptop aside and stands up, gesturing to the comforter. “What a mess,” she says. It is. It’s worse than I remember. Spots everywhere. “But it’s not about the comforter. It’s about something deeper. It’s about disrespecting me and my space. This is my bed, Nora! Why would you have sex in it?”
I shop around for a second before deciding on the truth. “Kiri, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect you. That’s kind of where we ended up. It wasn’t personal or in spite or anything. I promise.” Or was it? I remember differently, but now isn’t the opportune moment for facts to kick in.
Kiri sighs and looks down at her bed. “Buy me a new one and you’re forgiven. You’re still the best roommate I’ve had.”
“I’m the only roommate you’ve had,” I remind her, smiling despite myself. It helps that Kiri is far more reasonable than Mom. Like, far more. “So where did you get your comforter? I’ll get it this weekend.”
“Online,” she answers. “Kind of hard to find. Why don’t I buy another and you pay me back. Okay?”
“Buy two,” I tell her, smoothing down bloody folds. “I like this. It was – is! It is comfy,” I follow up quickly.
How is it I always manage to put my already overlarge foot into my even bigger mouth?
Going to the mini fridge, Kiri gets out a bottle of sparkling wine. She finds two flute glasses. She’s popped the cork and is filling the glasses before I have time to protest. Not that I would have. Are you kidding? I take a flute glass and sit down on my bloodless bed. Kiri sits on her wasted comforter.
“So,” she begins, sipping her sparkling wine, “you had sex with him.”
It isn’t a question. “Yes,” I reply. “You knew it would happen, Kiri!”
“Yeah,” Kiri says, “I did, but I didn’t think you’d do it on my –” A pause. She waves a hand to abort the thought and takes another, long sip of wine. “Never mind,” she says at last. “How was it?”
Closing my eyes, I sip the sparkling liquid. His kiss tastes so much better than this. “Amazing,” I tell her. “Fantastic. Wonderful. He is perfect, Kiri! My wizard,” I say without thinking,
fluttering lashes.
Kiri giggles. “Your wizard! That’s a good one. Was it magical?”
Oh shitballs. Can’t go there. “Of course! He is magical.”
Kiri narrows her eyes. “Did it hurt?”
I shake my head, drinking more wine. “No! Not at all. Well, a little. Here and there,” I amend. “Barely! Funny, I’ve always heard it hurts the first time. For girls – not for guys. Fucking jerks.”
Kiri looks astonished.
Oh no – what now? I can’t simultaneously imbibe alcohol and take criticism from everybody. First Mom. Then Wolf. Now Kiri. I need my wits about me to manage the perpetual onslaught.
“It does hurt the first time,” Kiri says to me, “almost without fail. You obviously popped your cherry,” she adds, gesturing to the blood all over her comforter. “I can’t see how it didn’t hurt!”
“I –”
It dawns on me.
Oh fucking no!
But the answer appears to be oh fucking yes. Gabriel put a spell on me before we had sex. If only I can remember what it is! I can’t. Not now. I wonder… Could it have removed virgin pain?
The thought of him doing this spills fury in my veins. I don’t know why. Yes I do! Because that pain was mine to experience! Mine to live! I wanted to have sex for the first time like humans are supposed to! With pleasure and pain! It was all pleasure. No pain. Gabriel has robbed me of my first time!
“Is something wrong?” Kiri asks, snapping me back into reality. “You look really mad about something.”
I slurp down my wine. “It’s nothing!”
I’m so mad! How dare Gabriel relieve me of pain! I can’t believe him! He takes and takes and takes! Everything! Until it’s gone! I wanted to scream in agony my first time. Wanted to have a first time. It’s every girl’s right! Not according to Gabriel. He doesn’t believe in Immag rights!
Kiri is eyeing me warily. “We’re friends, right?”
This wakes me up. I nod, cocking my head to one side. “Why do you ask?” Do I want to know?
“My opinion matters to you?” Kiri follows up.
Fucking fuck! I hate where this is going.
“Yes.”
Kiri takes another sip of wine. She allows these facts to sit in the air a moment. Undisturbed. “That being the case, I’m going to be blunt with you. I want you to stop seeing Gabriel.”
“You –”
She holds up a hand. “I understand,” she says, enunciating clearly. “Believe me, Nora – I do. He’s fucking gorgeous. I have eyes. Among other things, but I also have a head. I sense he’s dangerous for you, although I can’t say how or why. It’s a feeling, and I think it’s meaningful.”
“I love him,” I say. “I love him, Kiri. I can’t not see him.”
Kiri isn’t breaking eye contact. When she does, she sighs. She must have seen the truth therein, that I do love him. “I get it,” she remarks. “I do. Believe me, he’s the prettiest thing I’ve seen. But let’s get real – he’s not going to hang out forever. He doesn’t even go to school here! You’re dating a townie, Nora. Ew!”
“First of all,” I begin, “not a townie. Second of all, I love him! That’s all I need to say! Case closed! Done deal! Some other similar expression! I don’t have to explain myself beyond that point.”
“Nora!” Kiri erupts. “Please end it with him. Love is… fickle. That’s being complimentary. You had fun – you had sex with him. You lost your virginity to a super model! Lord knows I didn’t. I congratulate and applaud you. But it’s over. Done. Don’t fall in the love trap with him.”
“So I’m allowed to fall in love with somebody,” I say aloud, trying to follow her logic, “but not him. Not Gabriel White?”
Kiri refills our glasses with the remainder in the bottle. “Correct!”
“Thanks for letting me know your grand duchess-ness!” I trumpet loudly. Geez, too much alcohol. “Are there more royal decrees I should bring forth from the castle and write on tablets by the river?”
Kiri hastily takes a mouthful from my flute glass before returning it. “How much did you drink at The Mousetrap?”
“Two gin and tonics.”
“Lightweight!” Kiri guffaws. “Pace yourself! You’re new at this.”
Rolling my eyes, I swig down more wine. “I’m not leaving him,” I tell her. “Never ever. I love him, Kiri. I’ve never loved anybody – not like this. I have to try and make it work.” Kiri opens her mouth to speak, but I plow on before she can. “If it fails it fails! But making it fail to make sure it doesn’t fail is insanity!”
She opens her mouth, then closes and opens it again. “You’ve heard my opinion,” she states, “it hasn’t changed. But it’s starting to sound like you seriously aren’t going to leave him. So if letting you know what I think is the best I can do now, it’s enough. You know what I think, don’t you?”
I reply, “You hate his guts!”
“No!” Kiri exclaims. “I don’t hate his guts. I love yours. I want you to be safe!”
Setting aside my glass, I stand up and hug her. “You’re a great roommate,” I say, embracing her strongly, “and a better friend. Thank you!”
Hugging me back, Kiri giggles. “Thank you for being a great friend and roommate. I should get you drunk more often. This is fun!”
I feel it coming.
Lurching from her arms I double up over my trashcan. I throw up magnificently into it. What the fuck? I cough horrendously. More comes, spewing from my mouth. This is awful. Terrible. Oh geez!
“Wait here!” Kiri tells me. She runs out the door. I know she’s going to the bathroom to get paper towels. In a moment she’s back and mopping my face with a wet one, her expression pained. “Oh, Nora,” she says sadly, “I guess there has to be a first time! Oh no!” I’m hurling again. “Easy does it!”
Grabbing a paper towel, I wipe my face. Gross! “What’s happening?”
“You’ve had too much to drink is what’s happening,” Kiri informs me. “What did you have at The Mousetrap again?”
Coughing, I say, “Gin and tonic!”
“You’ve been mixing,” Kiri says, “no wonder you’re sick! Here, let me get you a glass of water.”
I shake my head, confused. “I don’t understand!” I expel. “I never vomit. Even when I’m really, really sick. My reflexes are so poor for it, Mom said I would probably never vomit. I don’t understand!”
Kiri goes to the bathroom with my flute glass. When she returns, it’s brimming with fresh, crystal clear water. “Drink,” Kiri says, handing it to me. “It will refresh your stomach. It’s empty. Too acidic.”
Drinking the water down, I feel better. Except for a moment when I think I’m going to throw up again. It passes. I drink more water, finishing the flute. I definitely feel better now. Burping, I make Kiri giggle.
“There’s an art to drinking,” Kiri begins. “It’s important to learn –”
I’m running to the bathroom. Oh no!
Fuck! Fuck!
Stay inside me for another second! The next moment I’m over the toilet and spewing majestically into it, coughing midway and everything. The works. Geez, this sucks! I feel completely horrible.
Following me gingerly, Kiri hands me a paper towel. I wipe my mouth. A moment later she’s back from the sink with the flute glass refilled. I wave it away this time. Best to learn from my mistakes.
“I never throw up!” I exclaim. “Never, Kiri! I didn’t feel sick. This is coming totally out of left field. It’s so strange!”
Kiri grabs my arm.
“Ow!” I yowl. “What – what is it?” Turning around, I look into her unflinching, deadly serious gaze.
It dawns on me.
Holy bejesus shitballs! No way! I don’t believe it.
“I’m not pregnant!”
“We can’t know!” Kiri exclaims. “You could be!”
I shake my head, refusing to allow it. “Not possible.”
Grabbing my hand, Kiri drags me back into
our room. She forces me to sit down and then proceeds to force paper towels and water on me. I take them so she will shut up. She doesn’t, of course.
“Before you kill the idea,” she begins, sitting down opposite me, “answer a few questions for me.”
“I –”
“Humor me!” she yells.
“Okay!” I gasp.
Geez, what a tyrant!
She takes a deep breath. “Did you use a condom?”
Fucking shitballs!
“No,” I answer. Kiri gasps. “But –”
“Yes?” Kiri pushes. “Please tell me good news!”
I wipe my mouth with a paper towel. “There isn’t any, Kiri. We didn’t use a condom.” Well, what the hell am I supposed to say? He’s a wizard and he charmed my cunt? Give me a fucking break.
Kiri sighs heavily. She’s looking at me as though I’m a dying patient in a hospital ward. “Strike two,” she says. “The problem is –”
“Wait! You can’t skip to strike two!”
Leaning back in her chair, she crosses her arms. “Having sex is strike one,” she says. “So yes I can. One more question. Have you missed your period this month? You have to tell me, Nora!”
Geez, what a personal question.
At least I can answer it honestly unlike the condom question. “I don’t know,” I tell her. “It’s not my time for another ten days.”
Kiri swipes her bobbed hair to the side. “I guess we can’t know till then, unless you want to take a pregnancy test.”
“No thanks,” I tell her, “I’m too embarrassed to go out and buy one.” Leaning over, I take Kiri’s wine flute from the windowsill. There’s still some left, so I drink it. “Could you?” I ask her.
“I’m not going to buy you a pregnancy test,” Kiri says to me. “In the meantime, Nora – when we don’t know whether you’re pregnant or not – you should probably abstain from alcoholic drinks!”
Spluttering on my wine, I put it down. “Right!”
“Do you feel pregnant?” Kiri asks, looking me up and down.
“Feel pregnant?” I guffaw. “What does that feel like?”
Kiri shrugs. “I don’t know, but do you feel pregnant?”