by Shayn Bloom
No. I can’t be pregnant. Not me. Not Nora Saynt-Rae. Pregnant at eighteen? Never! It could never happen. Not with any boy. Sighing my relief, I lift wine to my lips. Hastily put it down again.
The truth is we didn’t use a condom. I’m sure spells in the magical world sometimes go amiss. Geez, what a hard question. Do I feel pregnant? Hum – no condom, true. No period yet, true. Do I feel pregnant? The revelation hits me like a tidal wave. What was it Mom said? That I – I’m glowing…
I jump to my feet. “Oh my god!” I scream. “I’m pregnant!”
I’m out the door, running down the stairs fast as I can.
“Nora!” Kiri yells, darting after me. “Come back!”
I’m long gone. Out of dorm building C and running in the direction of Red Square.
Holy fucking shitballs!
I’m pregnant!
* * *
Evening is falling into night. I’m chasing lit lampposts to the center of campus. My feet thrum on the pavement, rhythmic with my panting. They are nowhere near fast enough to distract my thoughts.
I’m pregnant! How did this happen? To me of all people! My parents are going to be so angry. Well, Dad will be furious. Mom will have a field day. She’ll be able to tell me off for life. Her dream come true. They can never find out – never ever. How on earth am I going to deal with this?
Calm down, my alter ego tells me. People have babies every day!
Not helping! I exclaim.
I arrive at Red Square, panting and grasping a stitch in my side. Geez, this must be the fastest I ever got here. There’s no time for sightseeing. I’m looking for someone. Someone I want to kill!
“Gabriel!” I scream to the open square. “Gabriel! Show yourself!” The square is nearly deserted now most classes are adjourned, but a girl exiting the Daniel J. Evans library stares at me as she emerges. “What are you looking at?” I yell at her. She promptly runs away. “Gabriel!” I shout again, louder this time. “You’re in trouble! I know you can hear me! I know you’re somewhere! Gabriel!”
I stop shouting long enough to gasp the evening air. Nothing. Nobody responds. Fuck! Leave it to a wizard to impregnate you and then disappear. It doesn’t help he can literally disappear into thin air. It’s all too easy for him. I hardly blame him for taking the opportunity. Wait – yes I do!
“Gabriel!” I scream. “Gabriel!” I’ve gone crazy. So young, too. “You better –!”
A pop sounds. “Yes?”
I whirl around. “Gabriel!”
He’s here before me, gorgeous as ever. Dressed in resplendent jade robes today, Gabriel spreads his arms wide and bows deeply. “Gabriel Edward Lucius White at your service. How may I assist you?”
“You!” I storm, “are in trouble!”
Righting himself, Gabriel swipes his blond hair to the side of his forehead. “So I’ve heard,” he says, his expression impermeable. “What have I done to make your life anything but the best it’s ever been? I under –”
“Gabriel!” I interrupt. “I’m pregnant!”
Pause.
I’m trying to discern the expression on his face. This semi light isn’t helping. I wish Red Square was better lit. Do I want to know?
“No,” Gabriel says at last, “you’re not.”
We stare at each other, each with our own thoughts. Denial – really? So predictable. That’s textbook. There are like twelve steps of acceptance or something. Trouble is I forget what the second one is. Oh well.
I’m attempting to stare him down. It’s hard in the dark. “Yes, I am.”
“How do you know?” His tone is doubtful.
“Because,” I answer, stalling, “I feel it!”
Gabriel shakes his head. I see that much through the impending night. “You can’t feel pregnant, Nora. Not this early.” Geez, I hate it when he’s condescending! He sighs resignedly. “How do you feel pregnant?”
“I’ve been throwing up like crazy,” I tell him. “And I – like – never throw up.”
He considers this. Then rejects it. “You’re not pregnant.”
“How do you know?” I say angrily. Fucking know it all. “You can’t know what’s happening inside my body, Gabriel! You have no idea! Are you not ready to be a father – is that it? Is it cowardice on your part?” Okay – perhaps I shouldn’t have gone there. But I did. Too late. Too bad.
“Nora!” Gabriel’s loud, overriding me. “First of all, I actually do know what’s happening inside your body. Second of all, because I know what’s happening inside your body, I know you’re not pregnant. Nora, we’ve been through this. I’m not a mediocre wizard! I’m not an average wizard! I’m a –”
“I know, I know!” I’m rolling my eyes. “You’re the crème de la crème!”
“Releasers need top marks,” Gabriel explains. “Think doctors or lawyers for Immags. You’re not pregnant. How do I know? Because I did the magic to ensure you wouldn’t be pregnant. Being a brilliant wizard, I didn’t fuck it up!”
Arrogant bastard.
“For the record,” Gabriel continues, “I’m comfortable with the idea of being a father. I’d make a great parent. Why? Because I have great parents. Sometimes that’s all it takes. I would, Nora – I would be a fantastic dad! You, on the other hand – you with all your craziness – are the question mark!”
So I won’t be a mom. Not yet. That’s too bad, because I’d love the opportunity to show my mom how to be a mom. It wouldn’t include tearfully dropping my daughter off at school then ignoring her for two months.
“Light, Gabriel,” I demand. “Give me light!”
Gathering his wand, he says, “Lumio!”
We’re blinded by a bright light. Gabriel proceeds to dim it so it’s manageable. Shielding my eyes, I glimpse his face. A blaze of blond hair and turquoise eyes stun me. How come I’m always shocked by his beauty? It’s almost like I forget. Right now his expression is surprising me more.
It’s forlorn.
“Sorry,” Gabriel says, “didn’t mean that. But you’re not pregnant. The spells I put on both of us made sure it couldn’t happen. You think I’m so careless with your feelings that I’d screw it up?”
I shake my head, eyes wide. “Of course not! I thought – you know – when you’re hot, things happen. Like distractions. Gabriel, I never doubted you. As a wizard, at least,” I add without thinking.
Turquoise eyes harden. “How about as other things?”
Oh shit!
“Oh,” I begin, “I – I don’t understand.” Best to play stupid.
Luckily, Gabriel is distracted. “The turtleneck!” he observes, expression lightening. “You’re wearing it! Comfortable?”
Looking down, I take in the gray fabric. “Very comfortable!” I say happily. “People are always asking me if I’m cold and they think I’m lying when I say no. I’m not – the joke’s on them! I’m comfy!”
Gabriel nods approvingly, the turquoise of his eyes looking me up and down. “I want you to be comfortable, Nora, or else I will fail in my duty to protect you from the pain of an Immag life!”
He means this as a joke. I’m not laughing. Because I’ve remembered something and it’s rising in me like a storm. “Gabriel!” I shout at him. “You cursed my pain away when we were having sex!”
I don’t care if people hear me. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how Gabriel will react to my indictment. Will he deny it? In which case we’ll have serious issues. Or will he fess up? In which case we’ll have serious issues.
Hands on my hips. “You did, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I only –”
“How could you!” I exclaim, interrupting. “Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve stolen my first time! I can never be a virgin again! Now – thanks to you – I didn’t get to experience my first time, either!”
“Nora, I don’t –”
“Understand?” I finish for him. “Of course you don’t! Because you’re a guy. All you care about is yourself! How dare you take aw
ay my pain, Gabriel! How dare you assume I’d rather not feel than feel pain! It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all, Gabriel! You gave me nothing at all!”
Oh geez, here they come. The tears. Not tons but a few – I’ve never been much of a crier. This is hitting me hard. I can’t explain it. Wiping my tears, I sniff the cool evening air. Why are my feelings such a mystery to me all the time? I rarely feel in control of myself these days.
Gabriel is swiping his blond hair to the side of his forehead in agitation. “I – I’m sorry,” he says falteringly. “You have to understand, Nora – I was trying to alleviate your pain. That’s what the Alleviate spell does. It makes your nerves register pleasure – only pleasure. I had no idea you wanted pain!”
I’m wiping my tears with the sleeve of my turtleneck. “Well, now you do.” Recovered and dry, I look up at him. He’s watching me warily, as though frightened I will begin crying again. I won’t. I’ve had my fill. Or spill, I should say. “I’m not inferior to you, Gabriel,” I say to him.
Turquoise eyes widen in surprise. “What?”
“You heard me. I’m not inferior to you because I’m an Immag. We’re both equals – not one better than the other.”
Gabriel’s eyes are fixed on the light emanating from the end of his wand. “But you are inferior,” he begins, “because –”
“Don’t want to hear it!” I shout at him, fury pumping through my veins. “I don’t want to hear it, Gabriel! You’re such a fucking bigot all the time! I’m sick of it! You know what? Wolf is right about you. You think you’re better than everybody because you have a magic stick! Well let me tell you something Gabriel White. There’s a lot more magic in this world than can come out of a wand!”
Turning on my heel, I walk away from him. Forever.
I can’t be with somebody who doesn’t respect me. I can’t be with somebody who doesn’t understand the basics of equality. Why, you ask? Because I’m a self-respecting woman who believes in herself. That’s why.
I am no less than he.
“Wait!” Gabriel cries, running to catch up. “Wait, Nora! Wait!”
I turn to face panicking pupils. “Accept me as your equal,” I demand of him before he has the chance to say a word. “Do it now and I will forgive you. Otherwise, I’m leaving you for someone else.”
“Not that dog!”
I yell, “Do it! Accept me as your equal!”
Gabriel takes a long, deep breath. “I accept you as my equal,” he says.
We stare at each other for a moment, neither of us breaking eye contact. Something’s not right. He said it too quickly. Or did he say it not quickly enough? No – he said it too quickly. I am right the first time. I don’t think he’s had time to consider what he’s saying. It came out in emergency mode.
“Say it again,” I order.
Gabriel says, “I accept you as my equal, Nora Saynt-Rae.”
“Do you believe what you’re saying?” I ask him calmly. “Or are you lying so you can keep fucking me?”
Marble skin turns whiter in the glow of his wand. “Neither, to be honest,” he answers. “I’m lying so I can keep loving you. Nora, it’s hard – I’ve been told my whole life I’m superior to Immags. I don’t even know how not to believe it,” he explains, his expression gloomy. Defeated. Depressed.
My heart is going out to him. I can’t deny it. Why am I so weak? Or is this strength? Perhaps strength is what it takes to forgive somebody like Gabriel. Kiri’s words float to me on the evening air.
“Well, then,” I begin, “I guess I’ve heard your opinion. It hasn’t changed, but if letting you know what I think is the best I can do right now, it’s enough. You do know what I think, don’t you?”
“You think we’re equals.”
“I know we’re equals,” I correct. “I’m going to give you some time to realize that. Since you’re finding it hard. I expect you to come around to the idea eventually. Can you promise me you will?”
“I promise I’ll try,” he says.
I blink back my dissonance. “That will have to do,” I reply.
Silence between us. Can things be the same? I am glad I said all that. I need respect like everybody else to thrive. How long will this cold last between us? The chill is surpassing my charmed turtleneck.
“I have a surprise for you. I’ve been putting it together for a few days. Planned to show you tomorrow. Why wait?” At once he’s smiling at me, the warmth returning to turquoise eyes. Here’s the Gabriel I love!
“A surprise?” I gasp. “I love surprises!”
Coming closer, Gabriel wraps his arms around me and hugs me to him. The world darkens as his wand falls behind my back. But soon I’m distracted. Gabriel is kissing me like heaven. Soaking me in honey. I’m lost to him so quickly I hardly notice my involuntary surrender. Astonishing.
Breaking from me, turquoise eyes find mine. “Of course you do,” he says. “This way.” He’s guiding me forward, his hand still wrapped around my back. “You’ll love this,” he reassures as we walk. “This took some imagination. Lucky for you I’m not defaulting there. You wait!”
“I can’t!” I say happily.
Geez, what a turn around.
Moments ago I threatened to leave him. Now I’m giddy for whatever he has planned. Do I need help or something? No – I’m sure I don’t. This has been an exhausting day. Troubles with Mom. Troubles with Wolf. Troubles with Kiri. Now troubles with Gabriel. Well, until now, anyway.
Night has been our host for a while. My wizard leads the way with his wand, its light shining forward without fail. Leaving Red Square, we flank the Daniel J. Evans library and hug the tree line. We’re heading northwest. Oh geez, I think I know where we’re headed. I want to make sure.
“Do you know where you’re taking me?” I ask Gabriel.
He swipes his blond hair to the side of his forehead. “Of course!”
“Where?”
Turning around, his jade robes glowing in the illumination of his wand, Gabriel grins. “Can’t tell you that, Nora – can I? Then it won’t be a surprise! Walk tight and follow me. You’ll see soon enough!”
“Well, don’t get us lost,” I huff. “Do you have a compass in case? I know you don’t have a phone…” Okay – I admit it – it’s fun doubting him aloud. The slightest of vendettas, if you will.
“Naturally,” Gabriel answers, surprising me. Reaching into the pocket of his jade robes, he brings forth a package. I catch it. “Brand new Vampass,” he says, eyes glinting in the light. “Finally badgered them enough about my broken one, I suppose. Latest model. I can’t wait to open it!”
Judging from the package, it’s the same size as the old model. “Can I open it?”
“Perhaps,” Gabriel replies, holding out his hand for it. “Let’s not get distracted by vampire-finding gadgets. I’ve worked too hard for what’s ahead. I promise you it’s worth it. You’ll see. And love it!”
Returning his new Vampass, I slip my hands in the pockets of my jeans. “I’ll take your word for it.”
By now we’ve left the tree line and are in the forest, snaking our way deeper into the woodlands. The path beneath us is shallow and overgrown, but at least it’s visible. It carries our steps forward.
I’m too aware of every twig that breaks and every bush that moves. I’ve learned to not feel safe in the forest. I am with my wizard. That counts. Still, if the vampires ambush us… No, Nora – don’t have those thoughts! You must keep your wits about you. Not to mention your head.
“Are the woods safe at night?” I ask.
Scared of the dark? asks my alter ego. Grow up, shit face!
Shut up! I shout at her.
“With me you are,” Gabriel answers. “I don’t think we’ll run into vampires, Nora. They are west of here a-ways. And if they did come, they wouldn’t stand a chance,” he adds slyly. “Let them try!”
Following him, I make sure to avoid protruding roots and fallen branches. “You really hate them, don’t you? Vamp
ires.”
Wand light illuminates the deadly seriousness of turquoise eyes. “Yes. I hate them beyond imagination. Vampires are not fit to walk our world. They must be destroyed! All of them. The men. The women. The –”
“Children,” I interrupt, finishing for him. “I know, I know – you’ve told me before. I wish you’d tell me why you hate them so much. Once – not long ago – you said you’d tell me someday. Is it someday yet?”
“I can tell you now,” he responds. “I hate them because they are the most parasitical and abominable species ever to walk this earth. They must die. All of them. Every man. Every woman. Every child.”
“Can’t you hear yourself?” My tone is harsh. “It’s like the words are programmed into you. What are you? A robot? A machine? A killing machine? Consider the morality of what you do!”
Gabriel doesn’t miss a beat. “The BOM – the Bureau of Magic – has hired me as a Releaser. It’s my job to kill vampires. It’s my career. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m trained to do. My job isn’t to ‘consider morality.’ Nor to question it. But I have done so, landing on the same conclusion.”
“Which is?” I push.
“That my crusade is just!”
“How can you say that? How is murder just?”
“I seem to recall,” Gabriel begins, his voice menacing, “the last time we were in the forest. Not only were you almost raped and murdered by a vampire, you were almost raped and murdered by two! The Nora I remember then was ready to help me slay the Newborn – was ready to assist in the execution of number thirteen. The one too many. The one that crossed the line. Where has she gone?”
I cross my arms. “I don’t know. I’ve had a change of heart.”
“Do you still want to help find the Newborn?”
I nod hastily. “I do. Wolf is coming, by the way. Like we agreed on. It’s not only for my safety,” I say loudly, before he can interrupt, “but for yours, too! Three is safer than two. So there!”
Gabriel is angry. “I will not allow –!”
“Aaaahh!” I scream. For I’ve promptly tripped over a root and fallen to the ground. “Holy hell!” I’m clutching my foot.