by Mya O'Malley
In his heart, he knew that he was meant to meet her. When Amber had casually mentioned that she wished she had more time to volunteer at the shelter, Declan jumped on an idea. He had plenty of free time, why couldn’t he volunteer some of his time? So, Declan began working at the shelter during the week when Amber was busy working at the doctor’s office. He and Cathy had also become friendly, not as close as what he had with Amber, but he liked the woman and she was almost like a sister to Amber.
“You two are getting pretty close, aren’t you?” Cathy inquired one day at the shelter. Although he and Cathy were on good terms, Cathy remained fiercely protective over Amber.
“I guess you could say that.” Declan grabbed the food tub and made his way down the row of kennels, opening them and making small talk with the housed dogs.
Cathy made her way to the office but then turned to speak. “Declan?”
He should have known that Cathy wasn’t finished with their conversation. She had been throwing little hints here and there over the past few months.
“Declan, you and Amber have been friends for a while, right?”
He supposed that some might consider it to be a while.
“Well, it’s just that I know she tries her best to hide it, but that girl has feelings for you.”
Cathy busied herself, bending down to pet Harry, one of their latest arrivals. The tiny mutt barked his approval.
“I like her. She’s a great friend.”
Always being a man of few words, Declan said the least possible to contribute to this conversation, but was bound to end with Cathy’s disapproval.
“But that’s all.” She frowned. It wasn’t a question.
Declan could feel his pulse pick up. He liked Amber, enjoyed her company immensely. “What is it that you’d like me to say? I like her. We’re great friends. Amber is a very sweet, beautiful—”
Cathy stopped him short of finishing. “But you don’t like her like that.”
Declan froze to the spot, staring at Cathy for a moment. “Cathy, you have to know that I won’t hurt her. I promise you that. That woman means the world to me.”
“That I believe. But what is it? Why can’t you take the next step?”
The next step? That comment irritated him more than he knew it should have. Placing the bin of food at his feet, Declan moved closer to her.
“What exactly is the next step, Cathy?”
Cathy was pushing boundaries, here. She was butting in where she didn’t belong.
“I’ve already been there, done that.” He shouldn’t have commented, but the words escaped.
“Been there, done that? Can I be honest here?” Cathy’s voice rose as she gazed up at Declan’s face.
“Please do. What is this all about? I mean, things are good between us, just leave it alone.”
“Are they? I’m going to tell you one more time that Amber likes you, really likes you, and she knows that Morgan was the only one who will ever completely capture your heart and it kills her. Dammit, Declan.”
A few times Amber had questioned him about the break up with Morgan, and he had remained silent.
“Maybe Amber should talk to me, Cathy, to me. Maybe she shouldn’t be speaking about our relationship to others, people who couldn’t possibly understand.” Now his voice was rising, shaking. Tightening his fists, he tried to steady his breathing.
“You’re a stubborn fool, Declan, a stubborn fool. You couldn’t ask for a better woman. Don’t you dare hurt her.” She slammed the door to Harry’s cage then stomped off to the office, slamming that door behind her too.
“Dammit!” He pounded his fist against Harry’s cage, knowing that he and Amber would need to have a little talk this evening.
Gathering up his things, he realized that he was beat and decided to head home so that he could have some space to think. He heard her voice before he saw her standing there. Looking sweet and beautiful, childlike. He didn’t want to hurt this woman, swore he wouldn’t. But wasn’t he hurting her by not giving her what she wanted, needed? It didn’t go unnoticed to him that Amber hadn’t dated anyone since they had met. As irritated as he was moments before when he heard how she had been speaking to Cathy about their relationship, his heart melted a bit just looking at her.
“Hey, Declan. I got off early, thought I’d swing by to say hi. It looks like Cathy’s in a foul mood. What gives?”
Sighing inwardly, he bit down on his lip. Amber drew closer, her wide smile slipping away as she approached him.
“Oh, you too? What happened?” Her eyes filled with concern.
“Amber, we need to talk.” Frankly, he wasn’t even sure exactly what he would say to her.
“Is everything okay?” Confusion etched her face; her brows scrunched.
“Yes, no. I don’t know.” Raking a hand through his dark hair, he grabbed for Amber’s hand. “Let’s get out of here, okay?”
Amber nodded as he pulled her through the office and out the front door, all the while avoiding Cathy.
“What’s going on?” Amber placed her hands on his face once they were sitting in Declan’s parked truck down by the river. It took Declan a few moments before he could find his voice.
“You know I wouldn’t hurt you, right?” This was going to be a difficult conversation.
“Yes, Declan, of course I do. What’s the problem?”
“I… I just can’t… I can’t give you any more of me.” He hoped that she would understand. One thing he didn’t want was for her to leave him. Amber’s eyes drifted to the river as she released her hand.
“I don’t understand where this is coming from.” But something in her expression told him otherwise. Her conversations with Cathy proved that she wanted more.
“You and Cathy have been talking and well, she’s looking out for you, but it still pissed me off that you told her about your unhappiness instead of telling me.” That was one of the things that really ate at him. He thought they were close enough to tell each other everything.
“Declan, slow down. You’re not making any sense.”
Placing his large hand on her soft face, he focused on Amber’s sky blue eyes. “Amber, honey, I feel that you want more, more from us.”
Instantly, her hands flew up to cover her mouth. “Oh my God, she told you, didn’t she? Cathy told you about our conversation. I made her promise not to say anything. I’m sorry, Declan, she shouldn’t have butted in…”
Grabbing her hands from off her face and holding them a bit tighter than he had intended, he attempted to make her see. “No, it’s probably a good thing. I thought you were okay with this, with us.” But of course Cathy didn’t need to say anything, he saw it in her face every day and it crushed him.
Amber pulled at Declan’s arms. “Declan, I’m not going to lie. I do have feelings for you and I think that you feel the same, if you would just admit it to yourself. I can wait, I’m a patient woman.”
“Amber, can’t you see? How can I be any more honest with you? I think you’re great, beautiful, a catch. You’re slowly becoming one of my best friends. But, how can I say this? My heart… it belongs to Morgan.” He had never led her on, had he? Oh God, what had he done to this poor girl?
Amber’s eyes flooded with tears. “Then if you love her so much, why the hell don’t you go after her? What is going on with you and her?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” It was a simple statement, but it meant so much more.
“You’re right, Declan. How could I understand when you never open up to me?” After opening the passenger door with force, Amber got out and slammed the door tight.
If it wasn’t for his leg, he could have caught up to her, but it was of no use. He stood there, like a fool, calling for her. “Amber, come here. I’m sorry!”
Amber spun on her heels, heading straight for him. Anger and hurt stained her face.
“Don’t leave like this, please,” he pleaded like a small boy. He didn’t want anything to change; he couldn’t stand it.
For the briefest of moments, the two stood, just gazing at each other. This had to be one of the kindest women alive. He should have his head examined for not wanting to date her.
He had to turn away. Just for the briefest second, Declan thought, what if? What if he kissed her that very moment? Daring to look into the depths of her eyes, he saw the face of an angel.
“Declan, God help me.” She grabbed his face and pressed her lips to his, as if searching for him to respond.
He did, he was helpless not to. It felt funny, nice at first, but as he found himself caught up in her kiss, his heart wanted Morgan, only Morgan. He pulled back abruptly, eyes wide.
There was no way she could misinterpret his expression. She smacked his chest, crying out his name and then started to run again.
“Amber.” It was a soft cry. “Come here. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.” But of course she was too far away to hear him. She was gone.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
BY THE END OF the workday, Mike had come around. Every few hours, Morgan had made an excuse to run over to check her cell phone. Elle wasn’t fooled; she had told Morgan that he would come around, but questioned as to whether Mike was truly the one for her. Was she just afraid of being alone?
It felt right to be with Mike, but her feelings were all jammed up; if her past with Declan weren’t an issue, Morgan was pretty sure that their relationship would be without problems. Questioning herself as to her share of blame in the drama of her relationship with Mike was getting to be old hat.
He was waiting for her with red roses when she arrived home that evening.
Hesitation caused Morgan to wait until he spoke first. Mike shifted from foot to foot, as nervous as a schoolboy. Why, oh why hadn’t she developed feelings for Mike that rivaled the intensity and passion of her past relationship with Declan? It wasn’t anything that Mike had or hadn’t done. She was emotionally scarred and her fiancé had suffered because of it.
“Mike.”
“Morgan.”
They both spoke at once, causing Morgan to laugh nervously. She tried once more.
“Mike, I’m so happy to see you.” And she was; she had been anxious all day, just wondering if he would come around.
“Baby, I’m sorry. About everything.”
He gently grabbed her hands in his, bringing them up to his mouth for a delicate kiss. Morgan grabbed him tightly, holding onto him. Feeling his hands reach up to stroke her back, she sighed. They weren’t in the clear yet.
“I do feel that we need to talk, to get everything out in the open.” Morgan had a lot she needed to say.
“What else is there to say?” Mike frowned slightly, drawing her hands close beside him.
“I want to talk, be honest with each other. If this is going to work, I need to clear the air, be honest about everything.”
“Oh. I thought that we were honest with each other, I mean, I know that I am with you.” Mike averted his eyes as he spoke.
That was odd; she could have sworn that a strange look had just passed over his eyes. What could he be holding back?
“I am with you, too, for the most part. Sit, let’s talk.”
Morgan led the way to the living room, to sit on the oversized couch.
“Mike, I want to tell you everything, everything that I keep close to my heart, but I’m afraid you’ll be jealous and not understand. I need you to understand. I don’t want to stop thinking about Declan. He’s in my heart, he always will be. Just as if you and I were separated by something, a piece of my heart would always belong to you.” There she said it. No more lurking around, trying on Declan’s ring, hiding her nightmares from him.
That peculiar look appeared on Mike’s face once more.
“I need you to stop being mad if I dream of him. You’re with me now and just relax. I’m not going anywhere.”
It was now his turn. Morgan waited, but it took Mike a few moments to gather his words.
“Morgan, I wish that you could love me as much as you loved him, that’s all I ask. If you did, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so insecure.”
“But I…”
“Don’t, Morgan. I’m not a fool. You don’t have the same feelings. Sure, you might love me as much as you could possibly love another man, but don’t lie to me, please don’t lie.”
She swallowed, hard, contemplating her next words carefully. “Okay, our love is different. Honey, I’m different. Perhaps if I had met you first, I wouldn’t feel so…”
“Jaded?” He finished her sentence for her.
Confusion set in. How could she escape this conversation without hurting his fragile feelings?
“I… I don’t know. Call it what you will, this experience has changed me, I can’t deny it.”
“But it still wouldn’t matter, would it? If he came first or I came first. You and Declan share a bond that nobody else can break.”
Was it sarcasm dripping from his lips? And why was he speaking as if Declan were still around?
“Mike, don’t.” Prickling sensations covered her scalp, was this fear? She didn’t like the direction this conversation was headed.
Mike was on his feet, pacing the floor. He stopped to face her.
“No, if we’re going to be honest here, really honest, tell me the truth. I swear, Morgan, you’d better tell me the truth right here and now. Am I wasting my time? Have I wasted the past couple of years, hoping that my girlfriend, my fiancée, will miraculously grow to love me more than her dead fiancé?” With each word, his voice grew louder, more agitated.
This was it, the moment of truth. What could she say? How had this conversation taken such a drastic turn? Would it do any good to deny her feelings?
“Mike. What you’re saying is true. I loved him, at the time, with my entire heart. Now, I do love you, but please understand that given the circumstances, my heart isn’t whole to give. What is left is yours, that I can promise you.” Oh my God, she hadn’t meant it to come out quite like that, but she was being honest.
Mike turned, came up very close to her face and then backed away, tears shining in his eyes. She was a selfish, selfish person; she should have never started a relationship with him years ago when she wasn’t ready. Now, both she and Mike were paying the price. He was out the door and she was on the floor, left broken and alone, the red roses long forgotten.
It felt good to get everything off his chest; it was a cleansing of sorts. Declan had persisted, calling and texting Amber, pleading with her to stop by his house. It had taken her a few hours, but late that evening, thankfully, she had come around. When he finished his heartrending tale, he dared to look her in the eyes. Amber’s gaze spoke of sorrow, misunderstanding, confusion, but ultimately hope.
“You poor, poor thing.” Sobbing, Amber grabbed him in a hug and held on for what seemed like hours. Fresh tears spilled from his own eyes. Realizing that Amber was the only person he really confided in besides his therapist and Stephen back home, he knew that he would do whatever it took to keep his friendship with her on solid ground.
Amber now seemed to get it; there was a new look about her, as if she didn’t take the rejection personally. His biggest fear in sharing this story with Amber was that she would perhaps consider him awful for what he had done to her. It went beyond Morgan, though. He never lied to his mother, but asking her to lie to Morgan in the beginning, before his mom deteriorated to such an extent, caused her so much grief. By the time he had considered actually telling Morgan, his mom was incoherent and didn’t seem to remember anything about the lie. Most of the time lately, she didn’t even recognize him or remember that she had a son.
“Do you think I’m terrible, Amber?” His worst fears surfaced. Waiting an endless moment, Declan bit his lip.
“Terrible? Declan, yes, it was terrible. It was awful. But it was also the most selfless, giving thing I’ve ever heard of. The only thing I don’t understand is why, now, why you didn’t try to contact her. She must be heartbroken.”
“Engaged? You mean she just moved on?”
Shaking his head firmly, Declan set the record straight. “No, it was never like that. My buddy, Stephen, I swore him to secrecy and he has been keeping tabs on her for a while. I know that Morgan has suffered every bit as much as I have. If only I would have figured that into my stupid plan.”
He should have known that although he wasn’t going to be there physically to burden Morgan, she, like him, would remain haunted emotionally by their love. Stephen had even needed to back off after a few months because he couldn’t stand the heartache.
“But surely this calls for drastic measures. Before the wedding, she needs to know. You owe it to her.” Amber was insistent.
“No, you’re wrong. After all this time, I owe it to her to leave her alone, let her move on with her life.” He was sure it was the right thing to do. “Besides, I’m a train wreck. Look at me.”
“Oh, I see. But then you’ll just suffer and never move on with your own life?” Amber was tough, he had to give her that. She was like a little tough love package, spilling her thoughts.
“Who knows, maybe someday I will,” he muttered. If he could have retracted those words, he would, for he saw a spark of hope in her gaze.
Clearing her throat, the spark dissipated. “I’m sorry, Declan, but you need to tell her.”
Believing that she couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of his situation, he rationalized that he had his own reasons for backing off.
“Amber, honey. I know you mean well, but please, I’ve told you everything. Now please, drop it.”
Her mouth set in a firm line; her eyes told him that she wouldn’t let this go. He wouldn’t hold her back, but if the day came that he was ever ready for a relationship and she was available, he would sweep her off her feet, treat her like she deserved to be treated, like a queen. He had such complicated feelings for her, but for now, to be fair, he would keep his mind on loving her as a friend. There was only room in his heart for one.