Falling Hard

by J. K. Coi

  “Isn’t it the reason why you wanted me to prevent this very thing from happening?” Amelia narrowed her gaze. “Even if Gabriel were able to withstand Lucifer’s lure,” she continued slowly, aware that the destruction littering the room contradicted that very contingency, “Donato and Cassiel have both ferreted him out. Now that they’ve found him, they’ll never leave him alone.”

  Michael turned to look at all the shattered pottery and the blackened walls.

  She would be wise to keep a tight rein on her emotions. Nevertheless she demanded, “Michael, did you know this was going to happen? Have you known all along?” She couldn’t help the sick fear that churned in her belly or the outrage bubbling to her lips. The fingers of her right hand tightened into a fist on top of her knee. “Why didn’t you tell me? How could you let this happen?”

  Michael raised a brow. “I didn’t let it happen, Amelia.”

  She flinched. He was right. This was her own fault. She could accept that. It also meant she was the one who had to make it right, but to do that she needed answers. “What about Lucifer? You had to have known—”

  “That he’d become an Archangel before I killed him all those years ago?”

  Amelia surged to her feet. “Yes. But how is that even possible?”

  “Lucifer was the first of our kind to rise to the level of Archangel since before the time of man, but it has always been possible.”

  “I still don’t understand. If Lucifer was becoming one of you, why would he rebel, why did you kill him?” Amelia remembered that time. The Archangels had put her in charge of subduing Lucifer’s renegades and rounding up the dissidents into the angel realms. She had been the one to carry out their punishment, stripping her race of its heart and soul—after first letting the Archangels take her own.

  “The journey is not one that just any angel can make. Lucifer had the strength and the power to survive it, but it turned out he lacked the humanity required of an Archangel.”

  She choked. “Humanity? Since when are the Archangels concerned with humanity?” Even before decreeing that the entire race should be relieved of its ability to feel emotion, Michael had been one of the most logical and remote beings Amelia had ever known.

  A movement from behind her drew her attention. She wondered how much he’d heard but dared not turn around to face him. It had become more difficult to mask her feelings from Gabriel and she was unwilling to let him see the hopelessness that must surely show on her face.

  “I wonder who’s decided to come visit us now.” Gabriel’s boots crushed some piece of crockery as he stepped into the kitchen. A sneer coated his words and she imagined him glaring at Michael with all the brave, gruff disdain of his human pride. “You must be the big cheese with the power over angels’ souls. The great and mighty Archangel Michael.”

  Amelia positioned herself between him and Michael, knowing her body would be a poor buffer if this situation turned ugly. She didn’t even know who she was protecting from whom at this point, but…

  “Sorry we can’t offer you something to drink.” Gabriel’s voice dripped with artificial sincerity. He swung his gaze across the room, stopping pointedly at a puddle of spilled red wine amid a pile of broken green glass by the counter. “Must have been an earthquake. Or something.”

  “You are a very angry human.”

  “You know this from personal experience?”

  Michael, of course, refused to rise to the bait. He started to step around Amelia, but she instinctively backed up, moving closer to Gabriel. The Archangel glanced at her with a raised brow. Had she made her choice then?

  It no longer seemed to matter, even if she had. Gabriel snorted, pushing her aside to stand alone. He didn’t trust her anymore. She didn’t blame him.

  “I guess I’m not really human at all. Apparently, I’m going to be an Archangel. And from what I’ve heard, they’re emotionless pricks who like to play at being God, so I should think the anger issues won’t be a problem for long.”

  Amelia winced.

  “There are some who believe that,” Michael agreed. He turned back to Amelia, his next words for her alone. “As you said, the fallen one’s grip on the human is already strong. He’s filled with rage and pain, which Lucifer eagerly feeds on.”

  She shook her head. “But there’s also beauty in him. Love and laughter. Yes, he has scars, but he cares deeply for those he keeps close to him and he’s a born protector.” She was fighting desperately now. Fighting for Gabriel, and in a way, for herself.

  “Given what will befall this world and our own should Lucifer return, can you afford to assume responsibility if you are wrong?”

  “Michael, please help me,” she pleaded. “There must be some way to prevent this and yet spare Gabriel’s life…”

  “That time has passed.” Michael’s eyes were cold, his lips pressed into a hard line that brooked no more discussion. “You have let your feelings for him blind you to what must be done,” he said aloud.

  “And just what is it that has to be done, Amelia?” Gabriel jerked her around to face him. Her heart ached as she was confronted with his anger. “You were supposed to kill me. That was the plan all along, wasn’t it? That bastard Donato was right.”

  A vision rose in her mind of the war that had raged between her people so long ago. So many years. Of blood. Of hate. She remembered the reasons why she’d given Michael the use of her sword and let him amputate her soul. She’d been desperate for an end to it. The constant battle, the ravening greed as angels fought each other over the fate of the human race.

  The thought of bringing war down on all of them again—war that would overflow into Gabriel’s world and endanger the lives of everyone in it, including the friends he cared about so much—was unthinkable. She couldn’t allow it.

  Taking a step back, Amelia closed her eyes, ruthlessly cutting her uncertainties to the quick. Michael was right. She had let the flood of emotion—uneasiness, want and need, compassion and hope—blind her to the truth.

  The truth was, they were out of time.

  When she opened her eyes, she felt stronger, more in control. It was a lie, but a lie that gave her courage. Her chest still ached and her heart bled, but she felt certain Gabriel couldn’t see the pain of this impossible decision in her eyes and hoped he wouldn’t notice the trembling of her fingers as she curled them into fists at her sides.

  “I’m sorry I failed you. I never wanted it to come to this, I hope you believe that. But my responsibility has always gone beyond the oath I took to keep you safe, you knew that.” She looked him in the eye. “Preventing Lucifer’s return is essential to keeping both our worlds from falling into centuries of war. It cannot be allowed to happen.”

  Amelia felt as if she’d just cut out her own heart. She waited a long moment for Gabriel’s explosion. Half expecting him to rant and blast her with fireballs as he’d done to the others, she was taken off guard when he finally lifted his hand from her arm with a grimace, as if he felt the need to shake something distasteful from his skin.

  She had a moment to decide that she would have preferred his stormy anger to this sudden cold antipathy.

  He turned from her with an air of finality, looking only at Michael. His voice was cold, considering. “I need to be certain my friends get safely away from here.”

  Michael nodded. “Of course, we would ensure their protection.”

  Gabriel glared down at her again, his face contorting into a scornful frown. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t just take your word for it.”

  Amelia shook her head. What was he doing?

  He’s giving himself up.

  She gasped. Hundreds of cracks started running along the barriers she’d only just managed to rebuild. They quickly branched every which way, like seismic fissures widening the land as an earthquake barreled up from beneath the surface, making a mockery of her attempt to block out everything but her sworn duty.

  No. No. No.

  She tried to hold on to her reso
lve, to find her hard-fought distance, but it seemed there was no going back to the angel she’d once been. She’d thought she would be able to do it, but she was wrong. She couldn’t. Couldn’t let Gabriel give himself over to Michael, couldn’t pretend she didn’t care that it would mean his death.

  “No.” The roar in her head pounded out her ears, a thunderous cacophony so that she couldn’t hear Michael’s next words. “No,” she repeated, desperate. “Michael, this isn’t right. We can’t do this. I can’t allow it.”

  “Allow?” The Archangel looked at her, but he showed no real surprise. Gabriel’s dark expression remained unchanged, his anger at her palpable.

  That was fine. That was better, actually. If what she was going to propose had a chance of working, it would be much easier if there was no longer anything between them.

  She ignored the ache in her chest. “What if I take Lucifer’s soul? Could I do it? Would Gabriel live?”

  “What?” Gabriel was certainly paying attention to her now.

  Michael nodded, reinforcing her suspicion that he’d known she would end up proposing such an option. His earlier words came back to her. You do not fully understand your own destiny…

  The Archangel didn’t have to ask if she’d thought the matter through. Amelia’s resolve crystallized even as her dread escalated, for she knew exactly what she was doing, and she knew what it meant. She effectively had no more destiny. This would be the end for her.

  And she would still agree to it a hundred times over if it meant saving Gabriel from a fate he hadn’t asked for and didn’t deserve.

  Ignoring the whispering voice in her head that insisted she was deceiving herself, that her motives were more about fear than honor, Amelia pressed the Archangel for confirmation. “Michael, can it be done?”

  “Yes,” he agreed. “But it has to be soon, and your human must assent. If he starts to fight you as you begin the process and you’re forced to rip Lucifer’s soul from him, his human body won’t be able to withstand the trauma and he’ll die—which is exactly what Donato has been trying to do.”

  “Amelia.” There was both anger and panic in Gabriel’s voice. She’d known he would argue, but she couldn’t do anything about that now.

  “I understand,” Amelia said to Michael. Now it was she who refused to look at Gabriel. She would talk to him later. Convince him this was the only way. He’d have no choice but to agree. His life depended on it, and she realized now that his life was the most important thing to her. “I’ll do this. But you have to promise that when it’s done, you’ll lock me up and strip my emotions again. With Lucifer’s strength pounding inside of me…I’ll need to be shut away somewhere no angel will ever find me, where no human could ever be harmed because of me. And you’ll have to do it right away, before it’s too—”

  “Amelia, damn it.”

  Stubbornly, Amelia shook her head, remaining focused on Michael. This was her destiny. She was always meant to give her life for Gabriel’s. She knew that now.

  Michael blinked, which for him seemed a deep pause that set off an alarm in her brain.

  “Michael, promise me this,” she insisted. “Or promise to kill me afterward. Either way, you know it has to be you.”

  “Amelia, don’t even think it. This is insane.” Gabriel stepped forward. “You’re not doing this. It’s so far beyond stupid—”

  She kept her gaze narrowed on the Archangel. She couldn’t allow herself to be swayed from her course. It was the right thing to do, she felt it in her heart—and oddly enough, her heart was the one thing she trusted completely right about now.

  Michael glanced toward the door. Lila and Sam had entered the room.

  “I give you my promise to be there when you need me.” Michael took a step back and then he was gone.

  Sam whistled. He had Lila’s hand clasped firmly in his own. “Well, at least that one didn’t destroy what’s left of the bloody kitchen.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Are you insane?” Gabriel’s heart pounded, its angry beat echoing loudly in his temples where a raging headache had started. “Do you think what you just did here was heroic? Because I’ll tell you, in case your crazy-ass angel self is having trouble distinguishing between the basic human conditions. That wasn’t heroism. That was stupidity. That was the dumbest, worst fucking idea I’ve ever fucking heard.”

  Amelia didn’t respond to his furious cursing. She didn’t point out that her idea beat the only other alternatives—all of which involved his death. Instead, she met his glare with a smooth look.

  The return of her stoic calm just made him angrier. He swung away with a growl, pacing the kitchen floor, glass and pottery crunching beneath his feet. “If you think I’m going to go along with this shit plan of yours, you’ve got another thing coming.”

  She glanced over at Lila and Sam, who’d been listening intently, and started walking to the door. “We all need to leave this house now.” The tone of her voice was soft and unruffled, as if she’d suggested a trip to the grocery store for some ice cream.

  Gabriel growled again. Amelia stopped at the entrance to the hallway and turned around. There was nothing in her expression. No fear, no uncertainty. No hope. He wanted to shake her. This is what she’d been expecting all along—that this thing between them would end in death.

  But it wasn’t supposed to have been hers, and he wasn’t going to be able to convince her any differently, not here anyway. The stubborn idiot had gotten it into her fool head that she’d failed in her responsibilities and the only way to make things right was to make herself a martyr.

  Well, fuck the damn angels. The way he saw it, not one of them was fit to lick Amelia’s boots. Why the hell should she lay down her life for any of them? As far as he was concerned, they could all take their goddamn war down to hell with them and rot there for the rest of eternity.

  Gabriel himself was no better. He damn well didn’t want her thinking she had to save him either. There was nothing about him that was worth Amelia’s life, worth her soul. His cause had been lost from the first. There had already been too many deaths because of him.

  His legacy was covered in blood, but it was a legacy he was determined to end before another life was lost.

  Staring Amelia down, he almost didn’t notice Lila’s soft touch on his arm. Startled, he blinked and shifted to look at her, guilty because he couldn’t mask his volatile emotions. He hated to see the strain in her drawn, pale face. Strain and anguish—both courtesy of him. He had brought this devastation to her door.

  “Gabe, can I talk to you a minute before we go?”

  Amelia left the room without another word. Sam hesitated as if he didn’t want Lila to be alone with him, but then followed, mumbling something about putting their bags in the car.

  Gabriel scowled through the empty doorway for a tense moment. Rubbing a hand through his hair, he took a deep breath again in an attempt to calm down.

  “Okay, what’s going on with you?” she asked.

  He sighed, shaking his head. “Lila honey, you don’t want to know what this is all about, truly. Just trust me when I say that I’m so far beyond fucked…”

  “I don’t understand what’s going on, obviously, but isn’t there anything Sam and I can do? I know David’s death has been hard for all of us…but we’re still family, Gabe. I want to help you.”

  “You don’t know what that means to me.” He took her hand and squeezed it hard, wondering if he was ever going to see her and Sam and little Tony again. “Listen, this needs to be said, especially since…I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I hope you know I loved David like a brother. I would have done anything to keep him from harm, including trading my life for his. And I’m going to do my best to bring you justice for his death.”

  “You know that isn’t what I want, Gabe. Please.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “Whatever is happening to…to change you. Don’t let it destroy your soul in the process.”

  He laughed, the sound broke
n and hoarse, feeling as if he’d breathed in fine particles of glass dust. It dug deep, cutting his throat to ribbons. If she only knew how close to the truth…that it was already much too late. “God, Lila. There’s barely anything left to be destroyed. What small part of me that isn’t flooded with guilt is being burned out by rage and hate. And you know I was already on a slippery slope to hell before any of this even started. I keep fighting it, but I’m starting to wonder why I bother.”

  “Don’t talk like that. You’ve been known to make mistakes, have a quick temper and a sharp tongue—”

  Gabriel almost smiled.

  “—but your heart has always been in the right place, your intentions have always been good. You care about people.”

  He opened his mouth to argue, but she shushed him as she would have done with her precocious four-year-old.

  “I know you’ve spent a lot of time trying to atone for your past, but I don’t want you to add David’s death to the weight you carry on your shoulders. It wasn’t your fault, and this isn’t something he would want.”

  “I can’t just—”

  “Don’t.” She stopped him. “Don’t use David as an excuse to throw your life away because you’re afraid of living it.”

  “Lila,” he warned. “There are powers at work here, things you don’t understand—”

  “I understand that this woman—this angel—has somehow gotten through that cage around your heart. I know you care about her, and I know it’s got to scare the crap out of you. I’d go so far as to say you’re in love with her—”

  “It isn’t like that.”

  Wasn’t it, though? Wasn’t it exactly like that?

  Because, hell, it was much too late to be lying to himself. He loved Amelia. Completely. Even the things that drove him crazy about her made him love her. From her strength and the infuriating control she kept trying to hold on to, to her obstinate belief that she had to take on Lucifer and the angels all by herself. He loved her fierce loyalty, dedication to duty, and the way she could shatter his heart when she finally let down her guard and smiled at him.