“Russian prison tattoos,” Bishop told me in my ear. “All of them tell a story.”
“What do his say?”
“That he’s a really bad motherfucker.”
I didn’t take my eyes off Mathias, like something bad would happen if I looked away for a single second. Like I was his good-luck charm, and for that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be so.
I fisted my hands when he fisted his. “Why does he fight like this?”
“For me.”
“That doesn’t make...” But it did make sense before I could get the word out. I’d met them. I’d known Bishop was the more violent of the two, although Mathias was the most aggressive. He burned nervous energy like crazy. And in order to keep himself calm, which, in turn, kept Bishop calm, Mathias had to burn off his energy.
In the ring, the electricity was a pop and sizzle in the air. The air was crisp outside but inside the tent the humidity hung over us like a heavy rain cloud ready to burst. People crowded me—or tried to, anyway—but Bishop was my wall.
Tru came up next to me then, with Caspar on her other side. I’d seen Mathias fight for my life, so I wasn’t sure why I was so nervous now.
That was about your life. This is about his.
Tru patted my shoulder, then squeezed reassuringly. I couldn’t tear my eyes from Mathias. He didn’t even glance my way and I guessed that was better because otherwise, I might’ve run into the ring and thrown myself on him.
And then the air changed and it was as if everything and everyone got sucked out of my line of sight. I had tunnel vision, focused on the brother of a leering LoV biker named Ocho who’d put a hand on my breast and said, “You’ll be mine” every day for the two weeks I’d been captured. What was he doing here?
I’ll never be yours. “Never.”
That word echoed and landed squarely at the LoV biker’s feet, because the man had stepped in front of me, blocking my view of Mathias. Next to me, Bishop growled, because those actions were a dare. An explosion that would happen if anyone from his crew tried to touch me again.
The LoV biker leered, but moved away. I looked up at Mathias and then my eye caught on something, a man watching me from the other side of the ring. He looked familiar, and it took me a few seconds to understand who he was.
I hadn’t seen Keller when he’d come to the compound, but he looked enough like his son for me to finally get it. Last time, Caspar hadn’t let the LoV close and now, they’d been invited in, along with the man threatening to destroy Defiance. Threatening to destroy me.
For a long moment, I couldn’t breathe, but Bishop’s hand was strong on my shoulder. I glanced up at him. He was watching Keller steadily, that look of almost amusement on his face that actually made me think that a psychotic rage was running through his veins. When he glanced and caught my eyes, I saw I’d been correct. I never wanted to see that look in his eyes directed at me, and thankfully, it wasn’t. But it was still because of me.
They’d known this fight would bring Keller out to the compound—Caspar, Mathias, Bishop. They’d wanted him to know where I was. This was a taunt of, Try to get her if you want her but we promise you that backing off’s the best option.
Defiance was going to fight for me, and tonight Mathias represented Defiance.
Because of that, I drew my strength from them and pretended I was part of this plan all along. I put my head against Bishop’s arm and in turn, he wound it around me, drew me in and the rabid dog inside of him was calmed for the moment.
I did it because that’s what Mathias would’ve done. And in that moment, I knew I could have a place in Mathias’s life. That there was room.
As if reading my mind, Bishop said, “Mathias deserves to be happy.”
“So do you,” I told him.
This right here’s as high as it gets
Mathias
Keller figured shit out pretty quickly, but man, the look on his face when he’d seen Jessa had been worth it.
On fight night inside the MCs, there were no weapons allowed, other than fists. The MCs had been checked at the gates, their cars and bikes and weapons secured. These events were rarer and rarer these days, because few MCs could trust the others not to break these rules. But tonight, Caspar had only allowed in two LoVs and a handful of Keller’s bodyguards with him.
I don’t know what Keller thought about the invite—if he figured Caspar was giving in. But the message had been sent that giving in wasn’t an option, and I reiterated that by beating the shit out of Keller’s man in the ring. The smell of blood and sweat overpowered everything else and I honestly didn’t remember much beyond the sounds of gloved fists hitting flesh.
Another time, another place, another fight for my life. For a span of time in my early teens, I’d fought for my life every single day, and I’d won. Back then, I’d fought for me as much as for Bish. Tonight, I’d added Jessa to the mix, and when I left the former Russian prisoner half-dead on the ring floor, Caspar came over and patted me on the back.
Keller pointed at me and mouthed, You’re dead. But he was wrong. I’d never been more fucking alive.
Chapter Twenty-Five
This is my last resort
Jessa
“You knew.”
Mathias stared up at me from his seat in the small tent that housed medical attention for the fighters where I’d be quickly ushered post-fight, totally unconcerned as Bishop put ice on his hands. Shrugged.
“Am I supposed to not worry that the men who tried to sell me are here?”
“Actually, they’re dead, Jessa. These are different men.”
“They’re all the same to me,” I ground out. I was shaking. Watching Mathias fight was one thing, but doing so with the men who knew who I was, who now knew exactly where I was, was a different story. I’d been able to tamp down my fear and anger in the tent because I’d had no choice, because I owed that to Mathias and Bishop, and even to Defiance. But now, the anger rushed forward, an unstoppable force. “You both sold me out.”
You said you wanted to stay here. Bishop translated for Mathias. You have to trust us.
Maybe I didn’t belong in this world at all. I didn’t understand it. It made me uncomfortable. Maybe my parents had been right to shelter me—they’d known I couldn’t handle it.
But you handled the LoV...
It must’ve been desperation. Or dumb luck. Or my illness, as my mother referred to it, coming out.
You did it because you had to. This...this was people putting themselves out there to fight and kill for sport. For fun. For money.
Do you think everyone’s independently wealthy? Mathias mouthed.
I blinked at him. “I think you like fighting.”
He nodded, nonplussed, and my breath caught in my throat. I’d actually begun to think that this was my safe place. That Mathias was the safest place of all.
You can accept it or not, but this is my life. Probably would’ve been, Chaos or not. And a part of you really likes it. It turns you on. And because of that, you’re scared of how you feel. Scared of how far you’ve come, and how real it is. I think I’m just who you’ve been looking for your entire life, but if you want to play the scared virgin, maybe you do belong back where you came from. No one can protect you all the time. You have to protect yourself.
Mathias was signing, his eyes dark. Bishop’s words seemed to fly from his fingers and I didn’t take my eyes off him.
What had I expected—a different answer? A promise that he’d stop? We were in the middle of hell and I realized I missed my cotton sheets, for God’s sake. I’d lived in luxury my entire life and I’d thought I’d hated it. Thought I was rebelling because in my soul, I’d known I was in the wrong place when I was actually a foolish little girl who belonged there.
And when I told them both that las
t part, Bishop answered, “Or you’re just scared. Sometimes, when you finally get what you want, that happens. But you got your chance and now you’ve got to decide if you’ve got the balls to handle it.”
“I don’t,” I told him with a tremble in my voice. I got up to leave. Bishop put out a hand to stop me, but Mathias shook his head and I spun away from them, not sure where I was headed. Not at first, but then it became clearer where I needed to go.
I threaded through the crowds still wandering the compound, my head down, my heart pounding that maybe I’d run into Keller or the LoV. But I couldn’t care at that moment, because I needed to go to the person who’d started the whole thing.
Charlie was chained to the wall but it was his turn to look self-satisfied, the way I’d been when I’d first visited him with Mathias to back me up.
“Where’s your biker?”
A flutter in my stomach betrayed me and I almost turned and walked out. But I didn’t, because he added, “Let’s go back home together.”
It was exactly what I’d wanted to hear. But there were still things that needed to be resolved.
“Jessa, I was terrified. I knew that Keller wouldn’t hurt you. It was the best way to keep you safe until my father could get us the money. I thought you’d understand that.”
“How would I?” But had I misread the situation? I thought about the kidnapping and why Charlie and I started out from D.C. in the first place.
“I didn’t tell the LoV anything. Keller was going to get me to the right people. God, Jessa, it killed me to do that, but you said you’d do anything to stop what was happening. I was trying to save your goddamned life. I know it didn’t come off the way I’d planned it.”
I wanted desperately to believe him and maybe a little part of me did. But as I watched him, that voice inside my head, the one that was never scared, informed me, He’s playing you.
And because he was the consummate politician, I would never know the truth. But I knew mine. “So what now? How are we going to stop what’s happening at home?”
“We’ll have to run from here. Unless you can convince your biker to ask for ransom. My father will pay.”
And we’d just go home. Nothing would change. Defiance would be easily and effectively wiped off the map with my decision, and I hated that I had that kind of power.
“If we ran, Jessa, we’d be running and hiding forever, and we’d be vulnerable in every single town we stopped in. I realize now I was wrong to put you in this kind of danger. If we go home, I’ll take care of it and you can lean on me, the way you always have.”
I walked out and slammed the door before the sob tore from my throat. That had been a mistake. Had everything?
I looked up then and saw Mathias standing there. He’d heard everything. Whether he’d followed me because he didn’t trust me or because he wanted to comfort me, it didn’t matter. He took me by the arm and led me into the dark and across the compound. For a while, we walked and I breathed in the cool air. Mathias didn’t change his unhurried pace or his light hold on me, but he was steering me. I didn’t care which way—I let him guide me.
“End of the line?” I asked, but I hadn’t meant it as a joke.
Is it? he mouthed. You’re the one who walked away.
And he’d come after me. He didn’t seem angry, but maybe all these men were good actors. All I knew was that I could never hide my emotions. I could barely shield them, and in the case of Mathias, I’d failed miserably.
“I didn’t tell Charlie anything.”
What was there to tell?
“About us.”
But he knew.
“I could’ve said more. Told him I was with you.”
Are you?
“I thought I was until...”
Until you got scared.
“I hate being scared.” The words were a fierce bite out of my mouth, and they made him smile.
Your fight’s back. He paused. If you want to go back with him, no one’s stopping you.
“Just the chain on his ankle.”
We’ll send you both back, if that’s what you want. But I don’t want you here, with me, pretending you want me when all you really want is a place to hide.
“There’s more to it than that.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Never break the chain
Mathias
Of course there was more goddamned to it. But before I discussed that with her, I left her in Rebel’s care and headed back to Charlie.
I’d fought more than once tonight. I’d have no problem taking on someone else. And when I kicked the door open and Charlie saw me, he backed up a few steps.
He’d been expecting Jessa to come back. And he’d sorely underestimated her. I rubbed my sore hands together as Bish came into the room behind me.
“What are you going to do with me? Because anything you do to me, Jessa will end up hating you for it,” Charlie told me. “She’s delicate.” He pointed to his head. “She had a couple of breakdowns. That suicide attempt wasn’t out of the blue. She’s fucking nuts. I can take care of her a lot better than you can.”
“Bullshit,” Bish said, startling me. But I’d signed the word unconsciously and now, he continued to translate for me to Charlie. How were you protecting her by selling her?
“I did the best thing for her. Keller would treat her like a princess.”
Did the guy really believe that? Shit like that doesn’t happen in the real world.
Charlie smiled. “All part of the plan.”
Yeah, I know the plan. Jessa told me everything.
“No way she’d do that. She’s been in love with me since she was a little girl.”
But you couldn’t make her come, I told him. Never underestimate how far something like that goes. I opened up her eyes to a whole new world.
“Low class.”
“Since when is good sex low class?” Bish demanded. “Shit, I’d never want to be president if they’ve got you in chastity.”
Why take her on in the first place? I asked Charlie.
“I was nice to her because I had to be, for both our families. A united front. I could keep her in line. I did keep her in line, until she decided to spy and stick her nose where it didn’t belong.”
Charlie looked so goddamned smug. It was hard to remember, at times, that he was Caspar’s age. But Caspar appeared so much older. This guy was a spoiled kid who’d never grown up, and he had so much power behind him.
“No one’s come for you yet,” Bish said. “Ever consider that they’re happy you’re gone, that you’re a liability?”
Charlie’s face got red, like he was mad we suggested it. Mad it might actually be true. “Give them time.”
Give ’em all the time they need. But Keller and the LoV aren’t helping you anymore. They know you used them and that you’d planned to put all the blame on them. They’ll also know that the LoV was up next for execution.
I left then, because it was time for Jessa to tell me everything. Keller and the LoV were here. They knew Jessa and Charlie were here, and Caspar had let them in and then escorted them out.
Keller wanted to negotiate. Before that happened, Defiance deserved to know the whole story. So did I.
I found her sitting on the bed, doing that hand-wringing thing again. Rebel waited outside with Bish and I had the alphasmart, because this would be too much for lip-reading. Even though I expected her to do most of the talking, I’d have to do most of the convincing.
“What did he tell you?”
He said you’d had a couple of nervous breakdowns.
She rubbed one wrist unconsciously, but didn’t look down at it. “He’s right.”
Want to talk about it?
She stuck her bare wrists out toward me. “Isn’t this t
elling enough?”
No, that’s actually the easy way out.
“The attempt or telling you about it?”
Both.
She stared at me, offended. “I never said I was strong, Mathias.”
You don’t have to. You are strong. Why don’t you know that?
“Because my whole life, I had people telling me I was too weak.”
And you believed them?
“Obviously.” She paused. “The first time I tried to get away from my family was when I was sixteen. I ran away from the bus and the campaigning and tried to get to Europe. I got as far as the airport before the bodyguards caught up with me.”
And if they hadn’t stopped you...
“I wanted to disappear. And I told my parents and the doctors that. I wasn’t allowed to choose my own classes or my friends or my clothes. Everything was carefully orchestrated to get me to the next level, and the hospitalizations were kept quiet. The press thought I was homeschooled the second time I went to the hospital. This was right after the campaign started and they just had the doctors drug me up with happy pills, put me in long sleeves. Of course, there were always rumors, but the Chaos brought an end to most of the paparazzi.”
I watched her carefully. What was wrong?
“I was a teenage girl who wanted to do her own thing, not play family politics. Therefore, I must be crazy.” She held her body tight, so tense she looked like she’d break if I tried to touch her. I didn’t, continued to play the part of the bodyguard and not the boyfriend—a fucking ridiculous term when we’d nearly seen the end of the world—and she kept staring up at the darkness like that would give her all the answers.
You already have them.
I’d signed without thinking about it, and the movement of my hands caught her attention. She blinked in my direction and then she gave the briefest of smiles, lighting me up before it disappeared and her tight-lipped look was back.
I went over to her, wondering if she’d understood what I’d told her. It seemed like it, like she was trying to hide shit from me still. And that was never a good idea.
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