by J Q Anderson
The city lights glimmer in the distance and behind the thick glass of the floor to ceiling window I feel like a caged animal.
Maybe it’s time for a change.
I resent the thought. I used to feel like the luckiest bastard on earth. Being flown around the world by wealthy women who paid my weight in gold just to have me show up with them at a party. Well… maybe not just that. But it’s never been only the money. All the while, being able to keep my interactions with women at bay brought an incredible rush. I’d been dealt a shitty hand early in life and now I was beating the game big time. As long as I was winning I was ahead at the game that promised no stabs to the heart. No exchanges except for money and pleasure. And I’ve always been good at winning.
Until now.
For the first time, I am out of my comfort zone. I feel the pull back to Aspen. Back to that girl with untamed black hair and fierce green eyes. I know there is hurt now in those eyes. I know because I put it there. Bastard. I should get a medal.
I pour myself a scotch and down it, then lie down next to Tamara, who’s been asleep for a while now. I close my eyes and feel the frost rise from within. I pull the covers over me, but they do nothing to warm me up. I crave the warmth that enveloped Natalia. Tamara’s body is not warm like hers. I wonder why that is.
In the morning we visit a few art galleries and Tamara buys a piece for her home in the Hamptons. We have a party the day after tomorrow with some moguls from her company’s competition.
Another party.
We have lunch, then go back to her place. I fuck her with automated motion and she can tell something’s up.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. Tamara never asks any questions, so this throws me off.
“Nothing,” I say almost immediately. I curse myself for letting my emotions slip. She accepts my lack of an answer the way she always does and tells me she wants to go shopping.
We visit a few boutiques and I give her my opinion on the dresses she tries on for the party. As the day advances dread and hollowness fill me. By the time we are back at her penthouse it’s unbearable.
“Let’s order food in,” she says as she walks out of the shower. “I don’t feel like going out.”
I stare through the window at the park below. My hands close into fists. The grip on my chest tightens.
“Tamara.” I turn around to face her. “I need to go back to Santa Monica tonight.”
She frowns. “What? Why?”
“There’s something urgent I need to take care of.” I walk toward her and brush her face with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry, Babe. Ryan is available to go to the party, if you want.”
She watches me for a moment. I know she will like Ryan. We met at a party a while back. He is new to the business and when I called him ten minutes ago he jumped at the opportunity to go on a date with Tamara.
“Is everything alright, Jake?” For the second time today she attempts to step into my personal world. I don’t like it. That’s one of the reasons all my clients are on the East Coast, as far as possible from my own life.
“Everything’s fine.” I kiss her forehead. “I have a flight booked from JFK in two hours.”
“Jake,” she says before can I turn around to pack my bag. I have never walked out on a job before and Tamara is not the kind of woman you walk out on. I expect some kind of a scene. But she just looks at me with a strange emotion in her eyes. “You take care.”
Chapter 23: Natalia
Dani and I go about our day as if Jake and Dillon never happened. Dani acts the same way she always does, but I know better. She’s serene, reigned in from her usual explosive self. She doesn’t talk much to the customers either, doesn’t make jokes about them. No snarky comments that make me laugh hard or gape in horror. Nothing. Just plain’ol Dani, if there’s such a thing.
She cares about Dillon.
I care about Jake.
We are two fools swimming in a pool of sweet memories that left a sour taste.
She never mentions Dillon and I don’t ask. But when I get up from the computer to go to bed one night, she walks out of the bathroom and tugs me into a hug. We don’t say anything. We just hug. And I know she’s hurting.
On Friday the lounge is swarming with the after ski crowd. It’s all back to normal. Groups of guys flirting with us and tucking their numbers into our pockets. Too-blonde girls with perfect manicures, shaking the snowflakes off their expensive ski gear as they walk in.
Dani, Zack and I are making bets on table seven. Who’s going home with whom. The tips are rolling thick and it looks like a profitable evening for the three of us.
Dani and I wait at the bar while Zack fills our drink orders. She’s laughing at the scrap of paper she just pulled from her pocket and reads it out loud ‘Call me. I’ll be your slave for a night.’
“I’ll never understand these guys’ hard-ons for waitresses.” I chuckle. Dani laughs again, then her expression freezes as her eyes rise to the far entrance.
“Holy Shit,” she breathes.
My eyes follow her as she bolts in that direction, then I freeze, too. Dillon drops a duffel bag by his side and extends his arms in welcome. A megawatt smile stretches his mouth as Dani launches herself into his arms.
My heart stills and I hold my breath while my eyes scan the space around him.
Empty.
I wait, and wait, and wait, and as the seconds fade, so does the spark of hope I felt.
He’s not here.
I immediately feel like a fool. Hope was never something Jake offered me. Zack must see the hurt in my expression because he gently squeezes my elbow and gives me a half-smile.
“Ready,” he says, gesturing to the drinks on my tray. I nod and turn away from Dani and Dillon and the sudden tornado of memories that just ravaged my mind.
I don’t see Dani all weekend. She switched her days off with another girl and disappeared with Dillon to the cabin he rented outside the property. I’m happy for her and it’s strange that her happiness also hurts. I shake off the selfish thought, dreading the few weeks I have left at the resort. In less than a month I’ll be in San Diego starting the life I’ve been crafting for myself all these years.
Minus one lying, cheating fiancée.
As soon as my shift ends I slip into my swimsuit and throw on sweats and a long sleeve shirt under a robe. The night is below freezing and even though I don’t feel like swimming I go anyway because the alternatives are a washed-out poker game with the guys, or hanging out in my room. Besides, I haven’t practiced since Jake left. I already know that goddamn pool will remind me of him, but I have three weeks to get my shit together, so I girl-up and go.
I make a slow journey along the hallway that leads to the pool. It’s past eleven and even from where I am I can see it’s empty. The freezing weather has chased away the regulars that swim laps.
As I push the door the whole area comes into view. My eyes instinctively dart to the Jacuzzi.
That’s when I see him.
I am stunned, but my feet are making their way toward him like he’s a magnet and I’m a scrap of metal. I can’t stop. Part of me wants to. A very small part. But I know I can’t.
He watches me approach with a guarded expression. He’s submerged all the way to his neck, then his shoulders rise as I stop next to him. He never takes his eyes away from me.
God, he’s beautiful.
His hair is still dry, a ruffled mess in perfect disarray. I curl my fingers inside the pockets of my robe and let the silence between us thicken.
“How’s the swimming coming?” He says it as if he’s just left me on my own to practice for ten minutes and is now coming back to check. I strangle all the emotions that raise from my chest and keep my expression stoic.
“Why are you here?” I mutter. It’s almost a whisper. I don’t care why he’s here. He came back.
“I can’t stay away,” he says matter of factly. His mouth is grim, as if the words burned on their way out, but hi
s eyes are full of everything.
“Natalia.”
I close my eyes and hang my head as the sound travels through every single part of me. I hear him raise from the water, but keep my eyes closed. His feet pad on the wet tiles and even though I can’t see him, I feel the heat that radiates from him. It’s almost unbearable.
He has to be fucking freezing, but he ignores it and wraps his arms around me in a death grip. Everything inside me tenses and comes to a halt. I’m in a sensory overload. His smell, his heat, the wet skin of his chest against my chilled face.
I don’t move. I can’t.
“God, I’ve missed you. Can we talk inside?” he says in a low voice.
The words are stuck in my throat, so I nod. When he withdraws, the arctic air slaps me. It’s a warning, I think. Because I know whatever this is, it’s going to hurt later.
He shrugs his robe on and I follow him to the villa he rented. Our hands hang close but we don’t touch. It’s hard enough to be this close to him.
He lets me in, then closes the door and reaches for my hand. The static between our fingers sizzles and I pull mine away. He curls his fingers in and lets out a small sigh. He then sits on the couch, extending his hand in an invitation. I look at his hand for a long moment. This is my last chance to run. I’m entitled to it after the way he left the last time.
But I don’t.
I sit on the corner of the couch as far away from him as possible. He nods once like he understands.
“Why did you leave like that Jake?” The words are out before I realize. He winces as if I just slapped him.
“This... You... I don’t know how to do this.”
“Then don’t. Why keep coming back?” I say acidly.
He nods, then those eyes meet mine. My fortress crumbles at the corner.
“I can’t stay away. “
“Then what?”
His eyebrows meet. He looks as if I just asked him to tell me what the weather is in Mars.
“I don’t know, Natalia. I just... I needed to see you.”
The way he says that, needed, rips the stitches in my still fresh wound.
“Jake, I can’t. I’m sorry. I just... Can’t.” I stand and head for the door. He beats me to it and presses his palm against it from behind me.
“Please. Don’t.”
He’s so close. A force of radiating heat that sticks to me and pulls. I keep my eyes on his splayed fingers still on the door.
“Jake.”
His lips are on my neck and the heat, with that familiar masculine smell and the chill running down my back and arms are suddenly too much. His arms snake around me and he presses my back against his chest, his mouth and nose buried in my hair.
“Please,” he whispers. I wrap my hands around his, still gripping me and he makes a guttural sound of relief. He unwraps himself from me so quickly it feels like a whiplash, then presses me against him with the same force. My fingers find his hair and our mouths are gasping as we steal each other’s breaths. It’s not romantic, sweet, or tender. It’s desperate, the quenching of a need that unleashes simultaneously inside both of us.
He lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist. He carries me into the main room, then lowers me onto the dining table, pushing my legs apart as he pulls off my shirt, then my sweatpants with my swimsuit and my Ugg boots. I hear them meet the floor with a Thud. As certain as what’s about to happen between us.
He fucks me on the table, then we move to the couch where I sit astride him and take charge. It’s a battle of wills against each other and against our own inner selves urging us away from another bad decision.
We eventually make it to the bed. The animal rage has faded and there’s only the two of us left. Jake makes love to me and I let him. I kiss him with abandon and with all the turmoil that stirs inside me.
Afterwards I watch him sleep, the fear inside me pulsing under a cloud of fog. I know I can’t give myself to this man, but I also can’t deny the inevitability of what his presence does to me. He came back. He said he can’t stay away. Could things have changed for him?
On the nightstand the light of his cell phone goes on. He doesn’t stir. I watch the lit screen from my side. It stays on for several seconds, taunting me. A text at two a.m.. Morbid curiosity digs its claws into me and before I know it I slip out of the bed and walk around to his side. The text is still on his lit screen. A blade pierces my chest and finds my heart as I read it.
‘I can’t wait till next weekend, Babe. Don’t forget your swim suit. X. Rachel.’
Chapter 24: Jake
I turn on my side and she’s gone. That sense of emptiness that fills me every time we say goodbye, returns. I stare at the ceiling. The lack of control over my life ever since I met Natalia is starting to feel permanent. I can’t allow that to happen, but I also need to acknowledge that the pull I feel for her is not going to give.
I have to find a way to make things with her work without losing a hold on my own feelings.
‘You can’t love someone without giving them your whole heart, Jake.’ My father’s words barge in my mind. How did that work for you, Dad?
No. My heart is not up for negotiation.
There’s got to be a way to find balance without promises of happiness for all eternity. Promises end in disappointment when love finally ends. Why can’t relationships be simple? Why can’t people focus on the present without building a whole future in the air?
But I’ve seen the hurt in Natalia’s eyes and I know I can’t keep doing this to her. There’s got to be a way to make this work without anyone getting hurt. There is. Walk away, Jake. Let her have a normal life with someone who gives a shit.
The thought swells in my chest. No. I’ve tried running and it’s led me right back here.
Maybe she will be okay with a simple relationship where we both keep our independence. Relationship? My heart kicks at the word, but I stay on my train of thought. Natalia is about to start a new life in San Diego. A new job that will absorb most of her time and energy. The last thing she needs is a sappy boyfriend who demands attention. The more I think about it, the more sense my selfish plan makes in my head.
Maybe this can work.
I kick off the covers and head to the shower, eager to find her and see what she thinks of my proposition of living in the present with no strings attached. You’re a prince, Jake.
I scurry through the employee hallway keeping my head down. When I reach her door, I knock softly and wait. The door swings open and there is Dani. Her head tilts to the side as she looks me up and down. Her eyes narrow. I think she’s not happy with me.
“She’s not here,” she says.
“Oh. Where…”
“She went skiing.”
“Do you know when she’ll be back?”
She watches me for a long moment, probably questioning whether or not I deserve to know the answer.
“Anytime now,” she mutters.
I turn to leave, but she grabs my arm. “Jake.”
I stop in my tracks and turn to meet her eyes. They are like blue ice, deep and penetrating.
“Look,” she says. “I don’t know what’s going down between you two. But you know as well as I do that Natalia just got her heart broken by that piece of shit fiancée of hers. The last thing she needs is a swing to the heart to finish her off.”
“I wouldn’t…”
“Natalia doesn’t open up to people easily. Marc was the only guy she dated for most of the time I’ve known her. She’s had a difficult life and has worked her ass off to save for this internship and make her dream of being a chef a reality. Do not fuck this up for her, you hear me?”
She has articulated the perfect warning. All the things I have been pushing to the background so they wouldn’t conflict with my determination to make things work my way. Her eyes are locked on mine, waiting for my answer. Any words that cross my mind seem inadequate, or a flat out lie, so I don’t say anything and answer with a single nod.
She lets out a sharp breath. “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. I’ll tell her you stopped by.” Then she shuts the door in my face.
I stand there for a few seconds, trying to process, then head back to my villa. I won’t know what happens next until Natalia and I talk.
Another half hour goes by and I am ready to punch something. I need to get out of here. I’m grabbing my coat when there’s a knock on the door. I let out a sigh of relief. When I open it she’s standing there, beautiful as always in a long overcoat that drowns her delicate frame. I smile and swing the door all the way open. The moment she steps in I pull her into my arms. She smells like she just took a shower. Flowers and sun. Sappy, Jake.
“You left so early,” I mutter against her hair.
“Yeah.”
I wait for her to say more, but she doesn’t. She seems somber. This morning I assumed she’d left because she had to work, but the fact that she went skiing means she left because she wanted to. I rake my brain for something that might have upset her, but come out empty.
“Are you okay?” I pull away to look into her eyes. They seem endless.
“I don’t know,” she says. I take her hand and lead her to the couch. I need to fix this, one way or the other. I know it is hurting her.
“Why did you come back, Jake?” Her voice is low, hesitant.
“I told you. I needed to see you.”
“Okay, you’ve seen me. Now what?”
“What do you want, Natalia?”
She looks at me for a long moment, as if she’s searching for the right words.
“I don’t know,” she says, finally. “But it is not this. This… hurts.”
Her sincerity disarms me. I am used to concealing my feelings, even from myself. She’s not like that. “Why did you leave this morning?”
She shrugs. “A text came in while you were sleeping. I saw it.”
Fuck. Rachel’s text. I should have turned my phone off. But she knows what I do for a living. Why is this a problem now?
“Babe,” I say, searching her eyes. “You know enough of me to know I can’t make promises for the future. I am not wired like that. Besides, relationships make people vulnerable.” Wow, Jake. You’ve just reached a new level, you selfish prick. Let the girl go.