by J Q Anderson
“I’m pretty fucking vulnerable right now, Jake. And this is not even a relationship.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know,” she says, looking down. “Look. Maybe we end this here. I have a lot coming when I move to San Diego. I’ve worked hard to get there. I don’t want to ruin that because I am stuck in some fling with no future.”
I shrug. “I wouldn’t call this a fling. But maybe a relationship with no future is exactly what you need right now. Something that won’t take anything away from your dreams and what you want.” As I say this, I realize the extent of my assholeness. Let her go.
Her eyes are still on her hands. “I don’t know Jake. There are some things I don’t think I can’t deal with.”
“Like?”
“Like your lifestyle. I don’t want to be with someone I know is with other women. That bothers me, and since that’s actually your job, well, maybe that says it all.”
I rake my hands through my hair. There’s no dodging it now that she’s articulated it. Fuck. My job is not up for negotiation. During the last few weeks I have been toying with the idea of retirement, but if and when that happens I want it to be my decision. It can’t be for anyone else. But we are standing at a crossroad and I need to find a way out of this or it will in fact end here.
“Natalia. I am not trying to change who you are.”
“I know, Jake. It’s not really fair of me to ask you to do that either. You told me what you do from the beginning. I didn’t expect to feel anything for you. But now…”
I lean toward her and press my forehead to hers. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
Chapter 25: Natalia
We are standing at the edge of the cliff. If Jake lets go I will fall. Maybe he’s right and the kind of relationship he’s offering is what I need right now. Making careful plans with someone did not work out the way it was supposed to.
So I make my decision.
“Okay, Jake. Maybe we can try and see if this works. We live in the present. We don’t ask for more. I have just one request.”
He tilts my chin up and presses a soft kiss on my lips. “What’s that?”
“We always tell each other the truth.”
Relief floods the warm background of his eyes. “Deal.” He takes my face in his hands and crushes me into a kiss. I am grateful to be distracted from what I have just agreed to. A deal that may very well result in the biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced. I shift around so I am straddling him and wrap my arms and legs around him without breaking the kiss. His arms move to my back and press me so tight against him there is no physical separation between our bodies. I get lost in the feeling of being in Jake’s arms, knowing I have given up the more and settled for the less.
In the next two days I’m not able to change my shifts, but spend every second I am not working, with Jake. A huge weight has lifted now that we have defined the boundaries. The simple fact that I know when we will see each other again calms my anxiety. I just have to train myself to not wonder where he goes when he’s not with me.
The new surf shop in San Diego will take most of his time for the next few months and that comforts me because it probably means he won’t have a lot of time left for his other job. Maybe if I keep him busy enough…
The more I think about it, the more our arrangement seems manageable. Who knows where things will go. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship where I don’t know the outcome and I think that may be a good thing. I thought I had a sure hold on my relationship with Marc, but it took me to a dead end. At least with Jake there will be no lies. I can live with the rest.
I think.
Jake says he can stay for just one more day because he needs to start moving things into his San Diego apartment. I am excited about the thought of both of us living in the same city. He will move in about a week and I have two more weeks left in Aspen. I have already signed the lease for a small condo in Coronado and the excitement to begin my new life makes the hours go by slowly.
On Jake’s last day we go skiing, then we have dinner at his villa. We are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, our bare feet touching. I have not felt this relaxed in a very long time. I am in a blissful cloud of post-coital happiness with this godly man who’s only flaws are to exist exclusively in the present and to keep his heart in sealed armor.
Jake is trying to find a movie while I throw popcorn kernels at his mouth trying to score. He scrolls down the options on the TV screen, whipping his head around and opening his mouth when I prompt him. My aim is awful, but Jake has lightning reflexes and makes it every time. He must have been one hell of a goalie.
“I wish I could have seen you play water polo.” I smile and his eyes meet mine. “You must have been quite a show to watch.”
His answering grin is disarming. I slide the bowl of popcorn to the floor and crawl onto his lap.
“Do you miss it?” I press a soft kiss on his lips. They taste salty from the popcorn, so I kiss them again and he smiles. “Tell me.”
“Yes, I miss it. When you feel so much passion for something, it never leaves you.” His eyes are intense and bright, then they quickly dart to the TV. “Pete has me come to teach clinics at his club from time to time, and it all comes back.”
“Why aren’t you a coach?”
He shrugs without taking his eyes off the TV. “The money sucks.”
I look at his profile for a long moment. When he turns to meet my eyes I close them and kiss him again. I don’t want him to see the emotions that I’m sure cross my expression as I am once again reminded that Jake’s choices steer away from deep feelings and lead to things he can control. Like money.
Sex is once again an effective distraction and I spend the night in his arms, sucking in every minute we have together.
When Jake leaves the next morning I don’t dread it. I am looking forward to what’s ahead.
Dani, Zack and I wind up our last week at the lodge. Saying goodbye to everyone is harder this time because I know that for me it is the last time. Dani and Zack will visit me in San Diego this summer and that makes saying goodbye to them a little easier.
This proves to be a year of curveballs and firsts. Instead of flying back to Buenos Aires right away, Dani is going to visit Dillon in San Francisco for a few weeks. She will take her final on the next calling in a few months. I look at her in shock and shake my head, but she has a face-splitting grin when she tells me and it is hard to not grin back. At first I thought Dillon was a player, but something about the way he looks at her makes me believe that what he feels for her is real.
I hug them tight before I leave for the airport. Dani leaves tomorrow and Zack the day after. I tell Zack for the millionth time to keep his promise to visit me. He smiles and tells me he will.
I check in at the airline counter and drop off my bags. My entire life is stuffed into two large suitcases and a duffel bag. Not much to sum up the last twenty-three years of my existence.
At the moment Jake is somewhere between Santa Monica and San Diego managing his own move. We made no plans except that I would call him when I was settled into my apartment. I have two days to get acquainted with my new environment before my internship begins on Monday. Excitement crawls on my skin like an army of ants.
I can’t manage to sleep during the flight, so I open my iPad and start Leah Reader’s new novel. She always manages to suck me out of the real world.
By the time we land my nerves have left me exhausted. I wait for my bag at the carousel, looking at the fading afternoon sun through the airport windows. San Diego is bright and everything here seems lighter and happier. I think it’s the perpetual sun, and after more than three months under the Aspen snow I am looking forward to the change. It is only the beginning of the spring, but people walk around the airport in T-shirts, shorts and flip flops.
I’m gonna like it here.
I see my bags and load them onto a cart. As I cross the sliding doors to the outsid
e I take a big swig of warm salty air and smile. I roll my cart toward the curb to wait for the light, then a silver BMW pulls right beside me, blocking my way to the pedestrian crosswalk. I lean down to scowl at the driver, because that’s flat out rude. But I freeze when I see Jake smiling from the driver’s seat. My heart feels as if a bunch of fireworks just went off inside my chest. His smile widens as he slips out and rounds the car. He is wearing board kaki shorts and a white short sleeve shirt. His roped arms are tanned underneath. The sight of him in summer clothes makes my breath catch. He looks like one of those lifeguards girls drool over in TV series.
“I was hoping I’d catch you before you took a cab,” he says, distracting me from my day dream. I am still blinking off the shock of his presence.
“How did you…”
“I asked Dani for your flight information.” He sweeps me away in a swift kiss, then quickly lets go and makes quick work of loading my suitcases into the trunk. I slip into the passenger seat still in a trance, trying to keep my emotions at bay.
I give Jake my apartment address and he pulls into the evening traffic. Coronado is an island connected to downtown through a massive bridge that curves over the San Diego Bay and a strip of sand on the other side. Jake merges onto the bridge onramp and I hold my breath. The view on both sides of it is spectacular. Little sailboats rock to and fro underneath, tiny strokes of paint on a deep blue canvas. The island is smaller than I imagined, but it is absolutely charming. Small houses are packed next to one another behind perfectly manicured yards. My condo is on Third Avenue, close to the landing where a ferry leaves every hour to downtown San Diego. Living here I won’t need a car right away. I can ride my bike to work and take the ferry if I want to leave the island.
Jake parks by the address I gave him and we both look up at my condo on the second floor. It is a small complex consisting of three apartments on the bottom and three on the top. I open my door and round the car, searching my bag for the key the landlady sent me a week ago. I am supposed to meet her at her office tomorrow to sign the rest of the paperwork.
Jake gets my bags out of the trunk, then drops them and pulls me into a hug.
“Hi,” he says against my lips. I kiss him and goose bumps travel down my arms. The familiar scent coming from him sends a swirl to my stomach.
“Thanks for coming, Jake.” I smile and his answering grin is dazzling.
“You’re welcome. I didn’t want you to have to take a cab to your new place.”
I nod, unable to stop smiling because even though he makes no promises this is a very nice welcome to my new city.
Inside, the apartment is simple, but well fitted. Everything is new including the carpet, and the walls are freshly painted. I look forward to adding things that will make it my own, but for now Jake is all I want to focus on.
We walk to a brewery on Orange Avenue, just two blocks away, and order fried calamari and beer. The evening is warm and it is such a welcome change from the arctic cold of Aspen. Jake looks relaxed and tells me about the opening of his shop in a little over a week. He sounds excited as he describes what he has left to do on the next few days wrapping up the merchandise orders and last minute preparations. I don’t think I have ever seen him this enthusiastic. It sends a warm feeling to my chest.
Back at my apartment door he asks me if I want him to let me rest. I answer him by clutching his shirt at the chest and tugging him inside with me. He smiles as he helps me pull it over his head.
I spend my first night in San Diego tangled in Jake. His tanned arms and legs are wrapped around my pale body like a vine and as I drift into an exhausted sleep, a spark of hope flicks my heart.
Chapter 26: Jake
As the next weeks pass, I have a good feeling this arrangement between Natalia and I is going to work. She looks happy and so far she’s given me no indication that she wants anything more. Her internship at the hotel leaves her little to no time off and our schedules make seeing each other nearly impossible. When we finally get time together, we gladly take what the other one gives and ask for no more. We are both exhausted. I’m already patting myself on the back because this is pretty close to perfect.
She switches her days off so she can help me with the opening of the shop. Double Post is set up to open in two days. The concept I created divides the store into two main sections: an area where we offer custom surfboards featuring a few floor models with cutting edge designs, and a retail section dedicated to water polo gear including apparel, high end sunscreens, shampoos and other cosmetics designed exclusively for swimmers and water polo players. It’s the only surf-shop of the sort and I am pretty excited with the prospect. I have met most of the retailers in the area and everyone’s been great about spreading the word. Cardiff is a small community of entrepreneurs and they welcome new concepts that are connected with the ocean and surf-lifestyle in one way or another. Pete and Sydney have also been advertising my shop within their water polo club as the best place to purchase dedicated gear, so opening day is looking promising.
The day finally comes and a crowd hovers at the door even before we open. Natalia helps me run through the last details and we are ready to go. Before we open the doors for the first time I wrap her in my arms.
“Thank you, babe. It means a lot that you are here,” I tell her because it’s true. Her face lights up like a Christmas tree and she smiles.
Throughout the day I walk around the floor and shake hands with people as they engage me in short conversations about the design of the store and the products and services we offer. There are quite a few customers from Pete and Sydney’s club. They are eager to meet me and get their water polo playing kids’ picture taken with an Olympian gold medalist. As a gift for the store opening, Syd had a few action shots blown out and framed from my days as a pro player. She turned one of them into a wallpaper that panels an accent wall and I have to admit that she did an amazing job. I am not thrilled at being the center of attention, but my reputation as a player proves to be a great marketing tool and I am thankful to Pete and Syd for everything they’ve done to make this dream a success. Shit. I sound like an award winning speech.
Opening day is a smashing success. Pete, Syd, Natalia and I head to a local bar for a celebration dinner. Natalia and Sydney hit it off the second they met. I am glad Syd and Pete approve of Natalia, given that I spend the only time off I have with her. Syd can’t help herself and offers Natalia to introduce her to a few members of the club who often hire a private chef for their dinners. Natalia laughs and reminds her she’s still only an intern.
By the time we leave the bar it is past midnight. Syd and Pete have to go back to their babysitter and Natalia has to be at work early. We round the corner to my car. The night is warm. Natalia smiles as the ocean breeze lashes her hair onto her face.
“Why did you let me drink so much, Jake?” She laughs at her own wobbly walk and it’s infectious. I scoop her in my arms and kiss her, pressing her against my chest. Her mouth welcomes mine. It is still sweet from the mojitos and it makes me want to kiss her all night.
“Jake, I’m proud of you,” she says against my lips. “You’ve done it. You made your dream happen.”
“So have you.”
She smiles. “Not quite. I am only the chef’s apprentice. I have a long road ahead of me.”
“You are on your way. Look at all the praise you’ve received from the management in just one month. I have no doubt you will accomplish everything you set that beautiful mind to.” I close my eyes and kiss her forehead.
“I hope so,” she whispers. And for some reason it makes me think she’s not only referring to her job. I curse myself for letting my goddamn mouth run, then distract her with another kiss. We drive back to her place and I invite myself for a sleepover.
In the morning she wakes me with a kiss. Her lips taste like coffee and she smells fresh from the shower. I snake my arms around her back and bring her down to the bed with me.
“Good morning. Are you le
aving me already?” I kiss her again and she relaxes in my arms.
“Jake. I can’t be late for work. The chef is in a bad mood even when I get it right. I don’t want to give him any reasons to use me as his doormat today.”
“Maybe I should come with you and have a word with him.” I frown in mock irritation. Her eyes widen.
“What? No. Jake. Just… Please, babe. Let me go.” She laughs when I don’t loosen my grip and she can’t move. When all her attempts to push me away fail, she pouts. She knows I can’t resist when she does that. I kiss her deeply and she moans.
“You are evil. I have to go.” She pushes off me, but can’t stop smiling. She looks happy. I get up from the bed and kiss her once again before she leaves. We won’t see each other for another week. I have a three day trip booked with Rachel, one of my clients in Boston. Natalia doesn’t know the details and she doesn’t ask me where I’m going, but I’m sure her mind doesn’t miss a beat. I haven’t seen any of my clients since I moved to San Diego and I don’t want Natalia getting any ideas that our relationship is turning serious. We’ve finally reached a point of balance and I don’t want to screw it up with unrealistic expectations and sappy boyfriend shit. Charming, Jake.
I meet Rachel on Tuesday at the Marriott in Copley Place in Boston. She has a couple of dinners planned and a charity event at a museum. Like Tamara, Rachel takes careful care of herself, and even though she’s north of forty, she hardly looks over thirty-five. Rachel’s favorite sport is hunting for rich husbands and she says I am a ‘delightful in-between.’ Her red hair cascades down her back and she flicks it back with a perfectly manicured hand. I can’t help thinking how she is the opposite of Natalia in every way. Nothing Rachel does is spontaneous. Every single move she makes is a step closer to what she wants. I have also never seen Rachel without makeup, never smelled and kissed her after a workout as she tells me I’m disgusting, the way Natalia did in Aspen. Shit. Rachel’s a job and I don’t know why in the fuck I’m thinking about Natalia when I’m supposed to be fucking working.