by J Q Anderson
Sydney calls me a few times to talk, but I tell her I need a few days. I can’t talk about Jake.
Zack and Dani go shopping and I spend the morning at the beach on my own. I think of all the things that have happened over the last few months. Where did it all go wrong?
That evening Zack and I go out for beers with some people from work. Charlie and Zack hit it off right away. It is good to be around people and it temporarily distracts me from my own thoughts. My work is the only place where there are no memories of Jake.
Outside of work, Jake is everywhere.
Chapter 30: Jake
The first rays of sun stretch from afar. The sky goes from black to indigo and the soothing sound of the waves wakes me. I get up, stiff from hours without moving, and head back to my apartment for a shower. Today will be a busy day at the shop and I am vaguely relieved it will keep my mind busy.
But as the day advances, focusing on anything becomes fucking impossible. I do the inventory but have to count the same things two and three times and I’m pretty sure my employees think I’m a complete moron.
By the time I close the shop all I want is to get drunk. I buy a bottle of Glenlivet at the liquor store and head back toward the beach. I don’t want to be in my apartment in case Dillon and Dani are there. The beach does not allow alcohol, so I roam around in my car without a better plan. Before I know it I am crossing the Coronado bridge.
I park at the corner of her apartment and kill the engine. The lights are off, so she must be out. Did she already move on? The thought of her at a bar laughing at some prick’s jokes makes my blood boil. Maybe she’s with that fucker she works with, Charlie. I can’t stand the guy, always hovering around her. I take a swig and welcome the burn of the alcohol as it slides down my throat. I take another long drink, then another. I stop before it’s too late and I’m too drunk to drive.
She comes home after one in the morning. I watch her get out of a cab with Zack and make a tipsy line to her apartment. At least she’s with Zack. He’s protective and probably kept all the assholes in the bar away from her.
I get out of the car without any idea of what I am doing next. I just want to see her. Know she’s okay.
No. That’s not it.
I want to see that she’s not okay. I know that if she sees me I may have a chance to put this back together.
We can’t be over. Brilliant plan, asshole.
Zack opens the door and asks me what the fuck I’m doing there. Good question. He looks pissed and his eyes narrow when I don’t respond right away. I tell him I need to see Natalia. He tells me to fuck off and when I try to push past him he clutches my shirt and before I can blink his fist snaps against my jaw in a whiplash. I fall back a few steps, but manage to grip the handrail. I want to take him out, but he’s protecting her from me, which is exactly what she needs right now.
A second later she appears at the door wearing only a T-shirt. A fucking tornado thrashes my chest. The last time she wore that she was in my bed and I was wrapped around her. Her eyes are wide and red rimmed, her hair falling over her shoulders in an untamed mess. She looks beautiful. I can see the conflict in her expression and I want to tell her we can work this out. She belongs with me.
But Zack pulls her back into the apartment and slams the door before I can take a step and scoop her in my arms.
Chapter 31: Natalia
There’s a knock on the door and Zack goes to it.
Jake.
Then the distinct sound of a fist against flesh. I bolt to the door and Jake is down a few steps, his body half bent forward as he holds his jaw. Blood is trickling down from the corner of his mouth.
“Get the fuck out,” Zack growls, then grips my shirt and pulls me back inside with him as he slams the door.
“Don’t cave, Nati. You deserve better than him.” He pulls me into his arms. I nod against his chest because he’s right.
I take a sleeping pill and don’t wake up till the next morning when Zack shakes me.
“Your alarm’s been going off for the last five minutes, Nati.”
I rush through my morning routine and go to work while Zack and Dani go paddle boarding with Dillon.
I am glad to lose myself in the fast-paced environment of the kitchen. Charlie doesn’t ask me how I’m doing and I am relieved. I told him about my breakup with Jake last night and he seemed concerned about me. He’s more attentive than normal and I tell him I need him to challenge me and stop treating me like a baby. Charlie smiles and tells me he’ll make me wish I had never said that.
The next morning Zack, Dani and I cross the Mexican border and drive an hour to Rosarito, a touristy little town on the beach. We spend my two days off having margaritas and street tacos. It is a welcome change of scenery with no memories from the past. It is good to be with my friends and finally celebrate our graduation from cooking school. The atmosphere is light and Mexicans are friendly and unconcerned in general. The three of us leave everything behind and have a good time.
Zack leaves and without him the apartment feels empty. On the days that follow, Dani spends most of my time off with me and away from Dillon. I don’t want her to worry about me, so I assure her I will be fine. The best thing for me right now is to focus on work and not dwell on what happened with Jake.
She and Dillon leave to San Francisco a few days after and even though I will miss her, I am glad to be alone with nothing that connects me with Jake.
Syd and I talk on the phone a lot and a few times she drags me out to dinner. I don’t ask her about Jake and she doesn’t bring it up. Our conversations stay around the club and the latest gossip in the kitchen. It is only inches at a time, but I slowly feel like I am moving forward.
The days turn into weeks with a slow, automated rhythm and before I know it, a whole month has gone by since the last time I saw Jake at my door. Sometimes when I come home at night I feel like he’s somewhere close by. But it is always my imagination playing tricks. Jake is gone. The only noise in the air are the Sycamores shaking their leaves as they prepare for the fall.
I only have a month left in the internship. They will announce the winner of the permanent position in the staff in the next two weeks. Charlie and I are neck to neck and even though Chef Pierre favors me, the management loves Charlie. He’s got that charisma that makes everyone instantly like him.
On the days before the announcement of the position, I push myself beyond my limits. I want this job bad. I also send my resumé to a couple dozen hotels in the area. Chef Pierre is being very tight lipped about the whole thing, but has agreed to give me letters of recommendation after I beg. If something can help get me a job it is Chef Pierre’s reputation.
On the day of the Chef’s announcement Charlie and I stand side to side next to the rest of the interns. He reaches for my hand and squeezes it. My heart is racing and I feel like I am about to pass out. There is no oxygen in this kitchen and I don’t know why Chef Pierre and the hotel manager are taking so goddamn long to put us out of our misery.
The general manager thanks us for our immeasurable dedication and all the hard work we have given to the hotel during our internship. All I hear is Blah, blah, blah, position, and blah, blah permanent and blah staff and… Charlie Hunt.
Charlie.
Not me.
I turn around to hug him and he simultaneously does the same. Then he pulls away and presses his forehead to mine.
“Fuckdammit,” he mutters. I smile because Charlie never swears.
“You fucking earned it, Charlie,” I tell him.
Charlie gets ambushed by the rest of the staff and shakes hands with Chef Pierre and the management who take turns congratulating him and welcoming him to the staff.
I am disappointed but it is hard to surrender to that feeling when I lost to Charlie. I am genuinely happy for him, despite what this means for me. Chef Pierre gives me an embrace and tells me he is saddened to see me go. “I wanted it to be you,” he says. And I believe him. He assures me he
has made some calls on my behalf and I thank him with a heavy heart. I hold the tears until I get home.
Then I let it all out.
The two reasons why I came to the U.S. have ended up in grand failures. Both Marc and a job working with Chef Pierre are now bleached out dreams. For the first time since I left Aspen I think of Marc and all the plans we once made together. Then I think of Jake and the plans we never made. Which was worse?
No. I’m not going there.
I have to keep going forward. Having worked under Chef Pierre will open doors for me.
I can’t let this be it.
I have two weeks left of the internship and start my interviews. The next day I have the first one at a hotel in Del Mar and have a few more lined up on the next three weeks.
The interview in Del Mar goes well and I meet with the Executive Chef. He is a close friend of Chef Pierre’s and I hope that helps. If I don’t find a job in the next three weeks I will have to go back home to Buenos Aires. The thought depresses me. I have fallen in love with San Diego and I want to find a job here.
Charlie and I walk out as the day ends. The staff is going out for drinks later and he’s making his case to get me to come. I am about to agree, but then look up and my heart jumps into my mouth. I skid to a halt.
Marc.
He’s standing at the curb, leaning on his black Maserati. Shit.
Charlie’s eyes are now locked on Marc, too. Or on his car, I’m not sure.
“You know him? Sweet ride.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. Marc smiles at me and shrugs. I look up at Charlie and I think he sees the confusion in my expression.
“You okay?”
I nod. “See you later, alright?”
He answers with a nod and watches me as I make my way to my ex. Marc’s black hair is neatly trimmed, the way it always is, with that carefully crafted disheveled look. Everything about Marc is stylish and refined. I used to love that about him.
He cuts the rest of the distance and pulls me into a hug, then kisses my cheek. The familiar scent of his Ralph Lauren perfume greets me. The whole time, I am in a trance.
“What are you doing here?”
His eyes soften. I had forgotten how pale they are, like crushed ice.
“I wanted to see you. Is that… okay?”
I eye him for a moment, then nod. “Okay.”
“Wanna go for a drink?”
I say yes and he opens the car door for me. We drive a few blocks to a small restaurant nearby. I am pleased because it is probably one of the only places in the island where I haven’t been with Jake. We sit at a small table by the window. The whole time Marc makes easy conversation and I half-listen while I rake my brain as to why he is here. I think he sees that in my eyes because his hand reaches for mine over the table.
“I’m here for the weekend. I have rented a sailboat. I thought maybe we could spend some time together, the way we used to before it all went to hell. We can talk.”
“Marc. I…”
“Come on. Give me two days. We can just be… friends. Are you working tomorrow?”
I shake my head No.
“Say Yes. I know you love sailing.”
I look out the window. I did… do love sailing. That used to be our thing. We would get on his sailboat and would go away for long weekends at a time, or sometimes just long enough to catch the sunset. We snuggled together watching the sky darken while we made plans to go around the world.
“Alright.” I turn to look at him and his answering smile is dazzling.
We end up having dinner, too. Marc talks about his work projects and I listen, glad with the distraction from my own life. He’s with a new agency and is excited about the new accounts he’s managing. They are mainly pro athletes and he gets to travel around the world.
Afterwards he takes me home and we make plans for him to pick me up early the next morning. He is staying at a hotel downtown and the sailboat he rented is up the coast at the Dana Point marina. I tell him I am tired and don’t invite him in. I am still not sure how I feel about him being here. I guess I’ll have two days to find out.
He pulls me into his arms and inhales into my hair. “I miss you, Nati.”
I close my eyes, knowing that the next two days will either be one more curveball life throws at me, or a brand new chance.
Chapter 32: Jake
I drive to her house most nights after the time Zack branded me with his fist. Switching corners so the neighbors don’t call the cops on me, I keep vigil until the late hours. Great headline, Jake: From Olympic gold medalist to ultimate stalker.
Sometimes I can see her through her windows. She stares outside and ties her hair up into a knot. She stands there for long periods of time. Other nights she’s not home when I get there and I wait, letting the possible scenarios torture me as they go through my head. Her with Charlie, her with someone new. The anxiety grips me until she finally comes home.
She always comes home alone.
Until one night, she doesn’t.
Sudden fury surges through me when I watch her step out of a black Maserati followed by that fucker she used to be engaged to. I have to fight the urge to bolt out of the car and ask her what the fuck she thinks she’s doing. That asshole is a cheating scumbag. She can do better than him. Who, Jake? You? I close my hands into fists.
I don’t go back after that night.
Double Post keeps me busy. The surfboards are already on backorder and the sales for custom gear have almost tripled. I really have more than I can chew for now and it’s almost enough to keep my brain occupied.
I have to hire more employees and a manager. One of the girls I hire eyes me with puppy eyes and doesn’t miss an opportunity to flirt with me. I have half a mind to tell her this isn’t going to work. She asks me out for a drink after we close one night, and I turn her down. In Natalia’s words, drinks with the boss are Not a Good Idea. She frowns when I tell her and doesn’t ask again.
I call my brother Jamie and ask if I can come up to Santa Barbara that weekend. I haven’t seen him in a while.
When I finally make it up there, he greets me at the door with a hug.
“It’s good to see you, Jake. It’s been too long this time.”
His two boys run to the door and immediately start climbing on me. I grab their arms and throw them on my back. They love it when I do that and giggle till they can’t breathe. Jamie’s wife Christina appears at the door and smiles, then hugs me.
“Jake. We’ve missed you. Come in.”
We have lunch and the kids run to the pool afterwards. They are only five and seven years old, but Jamie’s already teaching them to play water polo. I promise them I’ll be out to play after I catch up with Jamie. Christina smiles and leaves behind the boys.
I tell Jamie about Double Post and about my decision to retire. Jamie knows about my former job as an escort. He is glad to hear I have left that and listens intently. Then without planning to, I tell him about Natalia. I tell him about the day I met her and how things quickly turned into more.
“It was unstoppable. She just barged in and changed the way I felt about a lot of things. That’s why I ended up retiring. I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“That’s good, Jake. Sounds like she’s worth fighting for.”
“How did you do it, Jamie? How did you forgive Mom?”
Jamie looks at me for a long moment. “I had to. When I met Christina, it all came back. Just like it happened with you and Natalia. Christina told me she loved me every day. And after who knows how long the penny dropped. I wouldn’t be able to love anyone until I forgave Mom and let all of that go.”
“Just like that?”
“No, Jake. It took a long time. But I did it. I have an amazing family now. You can have that, too.”
Jamie’s words soak into me. As I drive home, the memories from the past flood me once again, but for the first time I feel pity for my mother instead of hate. Dad always said she was broken. Maybe he was right.
What I don’t know is if I can be like Jamie, or if I am as broken as she was.
Chapter 33: Natalia
Marc picks me up at six the next morning. We drive for a little over an hour up the coast to the Dana Point marina. He packed enough food for an entire weekend and makes quick work of loading everything into the sailboat. It is beautiful, twenty-five feet of space we will be sharing for the next two days. The fog is light today and the wind is slowly picking up. The forecast announced perfect weather and as we set sail, my nerves rattle.
We immediately fall into our own sailing routine as we make our way across toward Avalon in Catalina Island. Marc is an exceptional sailor. He moves around the sailboat with confidence and ease. I follow his commands and we work in comfortable silence, the way we have done so many times in the past.
By the time we get to Avalon it is a little after four in the afternoon. The sun is still high, so we decide to walk around the island to explore.
We find an old Cantina, have cold beers and fried fish, then go back to the boat to watch the sun disappear behind the island. Despite everything that’s happened, it is still easy to be with Marc. He is an innate charmer. He wants to know every detail about my internship and laughs at my anecdotes about the kitchen and what we had to endure as interns. When I ask him about his job his face lights up. I used to love listening to Marc talk about work. His mind is brilliant, the ideas flowing non stop. He tells me about his latest work at the agency and all the places he’s traveled in the last few months. I listen to him talk and smile, remembering the trips we took together. There are so many happy memories in our past: sailing around the Caribbean in a boat like this one, eating fresh shrimp and drinking warm rum on the deck as we watched the sun sink into a collage of magentas and blue.